Wrong to exclude my SEN child ?

[Maria1979]

I've got a son who's 14 y old on the autism spectrum + very immature. He loves to play w younger children but needs to be told off sometimes to be careful: he's not trying to intentionally hurt someone but fooling around on the beach w younger children two of my friend's younger children (who are my younger son's friends) later on told my friend's husband that he had been rough. Now he has told my friend that my soon can't be around them anymore and she obeys. The thing is this is my BF and we see each other a lot w our children. My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt but I do realise that we should have played closer attention w DH but since noone went in to the water and they were running around on the beach we "relaxed" and talked w the adults.
I'm torn between understanding her husband for wanting to protect his children (he wasn't present) and btw feeling his reaction is exaggerated. Couldnt he just say that if DS is to be present we all need to pay closer attention since he's "bigger" but not more mature than the other children present ? I'm hurt that my friend just choose to go on her husband's line cause I don't think she realises that this will mean the end of us getting together. My older son is highly dependant on me and does not have a social life on his own so I have to bring him everywhere. He's 14, my younger 10 and her children are 7 and 10...

Your son is only the main character in your story, in everyone else’s story he is a sub character.

I can see how it would be upsetting but the other dad is correct, he will be far too big now to play safely and could seriously hurt someone.

you have said that their is no SEN provision in your town, have you tried setting something up yourself? A quick message on the local Facebook group will find other people in your situation it doesn’t have to take a lot of admin.

you have said that their is no SEN provision in your town, have you tried setting something up yourself? A quick message on the local Facebook group will find other people in your situation it doesn’t have to take a lot of admin.

what other nonsense. Setting up Sen provision is incredibly complex and complicated and expensive. It's not something which is done with some Facebook clicks by finding other families who are in the same mess. Families like ours cannot magic up social care/desire care where the state has failed us utterly. You have absolutely no idea what you are taking about and it's quite insulting as you make it sound as if the parent is to blame for having no Sen provision.

Both were off on this beach trip so obviously not impossible

How did your friend respond to that @Maria1979 ?
Seems very sad that your husband doesn’t help at all. When do you get time off?

This is true, but also apart from siblings, it's probably rare that a 14 year old would be hanging out or playing with a 7 year old. Unless at a childminders which is where something happened to my DD.

Slightly different scenario with ages but recently we had an autistic boy at DDs childminder. DD is 3 and the boy who pushed her is 8. He really hurt her and we had to take her to hospital due to the bump on her head making her sick.

Sadly, due to the safety of the other children, the boys contract was terminated immediately.
Although i desperately feel for the parents who are trying to work, we all want our children in a safe environment.

As PP said, as parents we keep our children away from danger regardless of the circumstances and sadly that means some children will be excluded. A 14 year old boy can be a big strapping strong lad, or on the smaller side, but regardless, will be a hell of a lot bigger and stronger than a 7 year old.

To push a 7 year old over to the point they had sand in their mouth must've been quite a violent shove, and I would not want DD around that again just like I didn't want DD around the lad that shoved her. Shoves and pushes happen, but shoves and pushes at lead to injuries are not in the normal realms of children's rough play. But your DH sounds totally incompetent, and you can't even enjoy any alone time with your friend due to this. His laziness is at your expense and it's not fair at all.

An out there suggestion. How about the friends bloke looks after his kids so their mother can meet up with the OP?

How does that help ops youngest child play with his friends, the ops children.

They are right to protect their child

Eh… calm down. She meant post on a local page to see if any other parent’s of SEN kids wanted to meet up for some play days. Then you can meet other parent’s in a similar situation and maybe make some friends who understand it and possibly the kids could make some friends also. That’s all she meant. You were really horrible in your post and should probably apologise.

Thank you for your input. I do understand that it is hard to get the full picture when you dont have all information.

1. I always watch my son when he's playing with younger children. Always. Except this once where my friend told me to for the 11th time to relax they are good. Will never happen again.
2. Nobody got hurt or injured. They were playing in the sand and tripped over at several occasions while running around. Twice because my son tagged them. Not minimising, just setting the record straight for some people who seem to think they were brutally aggressed.
3. The children LIKE to play with my son and they are quite proud of having an older friend. They also love to get each other into trouble with their dad. This one said this, that one said that because they know he reacts strongly each time and has forbidden them to even talk to different children in school.
4. DH does things with our younger son. It's just with the oldest he loses his temper because he refuses to acknowledge his handicap and expects him to act like a 14 year old neurotypical boy. Except when there is a problem, then ofcourse people should take his handicap into account 🙄... but that's for another thread perhaps.

And an update. I had a long conversation with my friend who called me to say she had talked to her husband. I totally understand his pov : he wants his children to be safe. And so do I, ofcourse. My friend has promised to supervise closely when we are together. This is what she told he husband but ofcourse that's my job. So he is no longer excluded and that's it folks..

What I will do is to tell my son that he can't touch younger children at all. Ever. That way It's easier for him to understand rather than just saying be careful when you play cause you are much stronger. And I will continue to watch him all the time and whenever my friend tells me to relax (she says this alot cause Im always on alert) I will gently remind her that it's for all of our childrens sake.

Thank you (some of you:) for your compassion and understanding.

@Maria1979

A good outcome! She's obviously a good friend who does understand.

Close supervision is needed, I know we all let our guard down occasionally, been there! Here's to lots more happy days out!

I didn't say your son injured anyone. I was explaining an event that happened to my daughter who got injured from a much older boy with SEN.

Your son did push them enough to fall down and get sand in their mouths, and was quote 'playing wildly'. I'm not saying at all that the other children your son hurt were injured, but if they were only playing tag it would take a lot for children to be pushed down to the point of having sand in their mouths. As when you fall you naturally put your arms out to protect you, unless the fall or trip was substantial.

Anyway, a good outcome for you both OP and I'm glad that your friendship will remain with your friend.
It really sounds like your husband needs to step up more with your older one though. He may feel like he's treated differently by his dad which isn't fair at all.

So you can’t pop a quick message on Facebook to see if there is anyone else in a similar position who you can catch up at the park with?

you never know parents and children may be able to make some friends.

I don't think she means setting up provisions at all. More a fb group to find similar parents with similar children for meet ups. In a town that doesn't over sen provisions this could be a life raft for op. Even if the child meet ups don't happen she may meet mothers are are where she is or have been.

I have to wonder if there is more to this than just some kids falling in the sand. Because if you run on sand, you will fall while playing tag. If they were all the same age, it probably would have still happened.
So, you have to wonder if there is a bit of prejudice towards SEN children from the husband. Or, is he jealous of his wife spending time with other people and thought he had found a way to guilt her into giving up a friendship?

I don’t think your 14 year old should be playing with 10 and under, he is bigger and stronger and if he plays rough then he is going to hurt the younger kids. They have probably had enough and told their Dad who has understandably stopped it, and rightly so. It feels like your son is being excluded, in a way he is, but he can’t play rough with younger kids. It’s not fair on them wanting to play nicely and fear your son coming in and going overboard. I don’t blame the parents in this case. There would be hell to pay if my kids got hurt whether the other child be SEN or not.

Sorry. what "we"?

If your child is diagnosed SEN, you're probably getting direct financial benefits and extra school support.

But just when did any other parent need to take direct responsibility for your child?

Your son scared the other children. You were being absent mum and not noticing.

You can't do that.

Your son's behaviour negatively impacts the well-being of other children,

You don't mention a husband, otherwise you'd handle this as a team.

But your son is 14. At age 18 he has access to adult services and supported living in the community.

But right now he's a hormonal nightmare to your friend's children. You need to have a 4 year plan.

If you read the whole thread before making erronous and judgemental comments?
He is diagnosed with autistm spectrum disorder why I refer to him as SEN for the UK public. We do not live in the UK and we do not receive any financial aide. He is supposed to have a place in school with special needs services but there are too many of them so he is on a waiting list. There is a husband who is working hard to compensate for me not being able to work.

I have never stated that anyone else than myself is responsible for him, where do you get that from? And the children are not terrified, they are happy to play with him. I do supervise, I slipped up once. He is not a hormonal nightmare, not all teens are. A lot of projections?

I don't know why you bother to write when you havent bothered to read the thread? Anyway, Im sure you're happy to know that we went out for ice cream after school and everyone was happy 😋

I'm sorry OP it's ok for people who have no understanding of the situation to criticise, l sympathise with you as l know the situation it's very isolating for you and your son as people are not always understanding of your day to day struggle. Hope your son gets a place in a school soon.

An aside to what the thread is about...if you're not involved with them already, could your local social services help you at all with respite care? My son doesn't have severe needs, but I've been helping my SIL find out about hours available to give her a break. Not knowing where you are I can't be sure if there is anything though, but could there be SEN parent support groups who could give advice?

Your son is much too old to play with children that young. Surely you can see that. Do not deprive your younger child of his companions. He is entitled to his friends and his own life. Figure something else out to do with your older son.

Supervised, no I do not see the problem. Sometimes we invite a 25-year-old mentally disabled but incredibly sweet girl/woman to join us with her mother. She loves to play with dolls with the youngest ones. These children are growing up to be openminded and inclusive.

And ofcourse my youngest has his own life with his own friends. As I said earlier he is often away at his friends on his own.

It's very hard to find friends with similar problems as I have. Those I know are in boarding school/institution or are in school so need to rest when home. I am lucky to have a friend who finds it great that all children play together. We have a mutual friend who sometimes join us with her son who is 16. He is severely autistic and does not speak nor play with the others but he seems happy enough sitting nearby spinning his toys.

Her DH smokes weed and is violent?!

Perhaps this is the reason her kids don't feel safe?! And the strength of your DS would probably act as a trigger.

I would use the hula hoop metaphor with your son. Explain that people have something like an invisible hulahoop around them and some are bigger than others just like regular hula hoops. People don't like you going inside their hula hoop so some people you can't get near at all and some don't like being touched. It's polite to ask if you want to hug someone for example.

This isn't an issue with your son. It's an issue with your friend's Husband.

Both things can be, and indeed are, issues.

if what OP says about the husband is true then that is of course a problem for her friend and her friend’s children. The husband may be awful, but he’s also right about not wanting his children to be harmed by OP’s son. One doesn’t negate the other.