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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wrong to exclude my SEN child ?

205 replies

Maria1979 · 02/06/2024 17:29

I've got a son who's 14 y old on the autism spectrum + very immature. He loves to play w younger children but needs to be told off sometimes to be careful: he's not trying to intentionally hurt someone but fooling around on the beach w younger children two of my friend's younger children (who are my younger son's friends) later on told my friend's husband that he had been rough. Now he has told my friend that my soon can't be around them anymore and she obeys. The thing is this is my BF and we see each other a lot w our children. My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt but I do realise that we should have played closer attention w DH but since noone went in to the water and they were running around on the beach we "relaxed" and talked w the adults.
I'm torn between understanding her husband for wanting to protect his children (he wasn't present) and btw feeling his reaction is exaggerated. Couldnt he just say that if DS is to be present we all need to pay closer attention since he's "bigger" but not more mature than the other children present ? I'm hurt that my friend just choose to go on her husband's line cause I don't think she realises that this will mean the end of us getting together. My older son is highly dependant on me and does not have a social life on his own so I have to bring him everywhere. He's 14, my younger 10 and her children are 7 and 10...

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria1979 · 02/06/2024 22:50

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/06/2024 22:42

be very careful ' My youngest son will lose a friend as well but that's life.'
one day your youngest may resent his older brother.

Too late. He already does. But luckily he has lots of friends and since he's kind and well-behaved he gets invitations all the time to play/sleep over at friends' houses which he enjoys. And parents know I can't have their children over so I just buy lots of snacks/gifts/flowers to compensate.. I would have loved to have my house filled w children but you take what life handles you..

OP posts:
Topee · 02/06/2024 22:51

Why can you not facilitate your younger son maintaining his friendship?

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 02/06/2024 22:52

My youngest son will lose a friend as well but that's life.

No. That's life with a husband that's unwilling to step up for the sake of his wife or his kids.

FauxIgnorance · 02/06/2024 22:56

Maria1979 · 02/06/2024 22:50

Too late. He already does. But luckily he has lots of friends and since he's kind and well-behaved he gets invitations all the time to play/sleep over at friends' houses which he enjoys. And parents know I can't have their children over so I just buy lots of snacks/gifts/flowers to compensate.. I would have loved to have my house filled w children but you take what life handles you..

Show quote history

Sending hugs OP. You sound a bit broken. I have no first-hand experience but I can feel your sadness and pain. Life does not sound easy for you x

Original poster
Maria1979 · 02/06/2024 22:57

Topee · 02/06/2024 22:51

Why can you not facilitate your younger son maintaining his friendship?

I would never leave him in my friend's house on his own since her husband is sometimes smoking weed and when he isnt he's got quite a temper and can be violent.

OP posts:
Sorchamarie · 02/06/2024 22:57

Your life sounds very hard, OP, both with your son and your husband. I'm sorry. I hope things get easier for you in the future. 💐

FlyingPandas · 02/06/2024 22:58

I'm so sorry to read this @Maria1979 . As a PP has commented, it really sounds like you let your guard down for a moment or two and this happened as a result. Not your fault. Just one of those things. Parenting a child on the spectrum is really, really hard. I have an older teen with ASD/ADHD and he is amazing and wonderful BUT there are times when I get it right and times when I don't and being his mum - trying to do the right thing but very often failing - is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's really tough and I feel for you.

Agree with others that the friends will want to protect their DC and it is a tricky stage of development for your DS - at 14 he may well be still at the emotional age of the 7yo, but if he's been through puberty he could be the size/strength/physical capability of an adult male.

Also agree with others though that your DH needs to step up more. We have a similar split in our house (DH supports the family financially, I manage the childcare/logistics/run the home) but this has never stopped him having the DC to enable me to spend time with a friend. Would he not even have the DC in the evening so you could meet your friend for a child-free drink or a meal?

WithOneLook · 02/06/2024 23:05

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/06/2024 22:42

be very careful ' My youngest son will lose a friend as well but that's life.'
one day your youngest may resent his older brother.

Hmm 'may' resent, yes I suppose so. He may also grow to be empathetic and fiercely protective of his brother who faces stigma and judgement at every turn.

MultiplaLight · 02/06/2024 23:10

Why can't you have children in your house?

Your eldest can play x box or whatever while the youngest has friends over.

Or is it your DH?

ManchesterLu · 02/06/2024 23:14

It's all very well saying your son should be included in everything, and I get it because you want the best for him, but at the end of the day, the other parents want the best for THEIR children, and if they've been hurt, they understandably don't want to put them in that position again. Not only that, but the kids might be nervous about being around your son now, so again, not fair on them.

Also, why do you type every word fully apart from "with"? "Play w my son" "Paid closer attention w my husband"? I don't get it. What purpose does that serve? It's not a long word to begin with. You use much longer words. (Genuine question, as I've seen it on here a lot recently).

oakleaffy · 02/06/2024 23:17

A large, rough Fourteen year old male can be very overwhelming for younger children.
I don't blame their Dad for wanting to protect them from this potential injury.

Most parents want to protect their children from physical damage by larger, stronger, more unruly kids, no matter what the excuse.

Daisypod · 02/06/2024 23:20

It sounds to me like you've said to your friend you can no longer see them in a manipulative move to get her to back down on including your son. It's a very dramatic move to make, if that was my friend I would make sure I made time to see them on their own and keep the friendship going. Dh should be stepping up and parenting their son for an hour or two so you can do this.

fashionqueen0123 · 02/06/2024 23:38

Maria1979 · 02/06/2024 22:57

I would never leave him in my friend's house on his own since her husband is sometimes smoking weed and when he isnt he's got quite a temper and can be violent.

Show quote history

Why didn’t your husband say anything about this when he brought up the whole thing?
A drug user criticising your son.

cerisepanther73 · 03/06/2024 02:13

@Maria1979

I totally agree with ubove poster's @gamerchick and @TheKeatingFive too,
with spot 👌 hit the nail on head advice.

Ger1atricMillennial · 03/06/2024 05:05

Look I grew up in the disability community and all sorts of social shifts happen when children (especially with intellectual disabilities) hit puberty.

They are no longer a child, but an teenager with poor boundaries and this is something that needs to be strongly supervised. If you dont supervise your child closely then other parents have to make decisions.

It is really difficult and yet another drain on your energy and you have my sympathies. I would also check in with your 10 year old because maybe the play is to rough for them too.

Ger1atricMillennial · 03/06/2024 05:08

Maria1979 · 02/06/2024 22:50

Too late. He already does. But luckily he has lots of friends and since he's kind and well-behaved he gets invitations all the time to play/sleep over at friends' houses which he enjoys. And parents know I can't have their children over so I just buy lots of snacks/gifts/flowers to compensate.. I would have loved to have my house filled w children but you take what life handles you..

Show quote history

I went though this. There is a term for siblings of high-needs children called "glass children".

It would be a good thing for him to have a trusted adult to talk to that aren't his parents so he can be honest. He will have troubles too but will constantly feel that his problems aren't as bad.

Ellaelle · 03/06/2024 05:15

Maria1979 · 02/06/2024 17:29

I've got a son who's 14 y old on the autism spectrum + very immature. He loves to play w younger children but needs to be told off sometimes to be careful: he's not trying to intentionally hurt someone but fooling around on the beach w younger children two of my friend's younger children (who are my younger son's friends) later on told my friend's husband that he had been rough. Now he has told my friend that my soon can't be around them anymore and she obeys. The thing is this is my BF and we see each other a lot w our children. My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt but I do realise that we should have played closer attention w DH but since noone went in to the water and they were running around on the beach we "relaxed" and talked w the adults.
I'm torn between understanding her husband for wanting to protect his children (he wasn't present) and btw feeling his reaction is exaggerated. Couldnt he just say that if DS is to be present we all need to pay closer attention since he's "bigger" but not more mature than the other children present ? I'm hurt that my friend just choose to go on her husband's line cause I don't think she realises that this will mean the end of us getting together. My older son is highly dependant on me and does not have a social life on his own so I have to bring him everywhere. He's 14, my younger 10 and her children are 7 and 10...

You should be grateful he hasn't hurt anyone.....yet! pray it continues that way! why where you not monitoring him/ them in the first instance?

OhmygodDont · 03/06/2024 06:31

So the poor lad losses yet another friend. Glass sibling indeed as per a pp.

Your useless husband needs to step up and be able to watch his own child for even an hour.

A violent drug user according to you has more care and thought to their child’s wellbeing that your actual friend mind. Notice her dh has suddenly become a monster the more posts there are though 🙃

ageratum1 · 03/06/2024 06:57

T1Dmama · 02/06/2024 21:08

Why can’t you and friend meet
up and leave kids home with their dads? Both dads were after all off work!
Or why can’t just your son be left with his Dad? Allowing the other 3 to play. Your DH could take the 14 year
old out for some 1:1 time

I am guessing that at rhe times the families meet up, that op's dh is working!

OhmygodDont · 03/06/2024 06:58

ageratum1 · 03/06/2024 06:57

I am guessing that at rhe times the families meet up, that op's dh is working!

Show quote history

I mean ops dh was sat there on the beach with her there’s clearly times he could get off his arse and watch his child so his youngest one doesn’t miss out yet again.

duchessofsilk · 03/06/2024 06:58

I am guessing that at rhe times the families meet up, that op's dh is working!

OP said her husband doesnt do any childcare as he has no patience and shouts so she does it all. Therefore, he could do it, he just doesnt want to and the entire burden is left to her

TomeTome · 03/06/2024 07:03

It sounds to me like you’ve made the right call. Those with similar caring responsibilities will really understand and those without probably not so much. You can’t mitigate every negative of having a disabled sibling for your children. I’d question if that was necessary or something to aspire to myself. This family don’t sound like a good fit going forward. The mum and kids sound fine but the Dad is too angry/violent/druggy to be around your children because your family unit is more vulnerable than others. I’m so sorry you are losing a precious friendship.

InterIgnis · 03/06/2024 07:04

OhmygodDont · 03/06/2024 06:31

So the poor lad losses yet another friend. Glass sibling indeed as per a pp.

Your useless husband needs to step up and be able to watch his own child for even an hour.

A violent drug user according to you has more care and thought to their child’s wellbeing that your actual friend mind. Notice her dh has suddenly become a monster the more posts there are though 🙃

Edited

Indeed.

The husband may be terrible for a whole host of reasons. He may be a violent drug abuser that OP’s friend should divorce. He’s can be all those things, and he is still be absolutely right on this occasion.

SpringerFall · 03/06/2024 07:11

It is not up to you how other parents arrange things with their children

gamerchick · 03/06/2024 07:13

Wonder how many pages this will go on now it's reached it's conclusion. I'm sure there are many more wanting to rag the OP about for not being a perfect parent to a disabled kid and wanting some sort of a life.