Wrong to exclude my SEN child ?

[Maria1979]

I've got a son who's 14 y old on the autism spectrum + very immature. He loves to play w younger children but needs to be told off sometimes to be careful: he's not trying to intentionally hurt someone but fooling around on the beach w younger children two of my friend's younger children (who are my younger son's friends) later on told my friend's husband that he had been rough. Now he has told my friend that my soon can't be around them anymore and she obeys. The thing is this is my BF and we see each other a lot w our children. My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt but I do realise that we should have played closer attention w DH but since noone went in to the water and they were running around on the beach we "relaxed" and talked w the adults.
I'm torn between understanding her husband for wanting to protect his children (he wasn't present) and btw feeling his reaction is exaggerated. Couldnt he just say that if DS is to be present we all need to pay closer attention since he's "bigger" but not more mature than the other children present ? I'm hurt that my friend just choose to go on her husband's line cause I don't think she realises that this will mean the end of us getting together. My older son is highly dependant on me and does not have a social life on his own so I have to bring him everywhere. He's 14, my younger 10 and her children are 7 and 10...

Really?! Your children have never fallen over on the beach before?

It sounds like he just tagged them too enthusiastically and they fell over. Children fall over playing tag all the time, they're running and chasing each other. My DH accidentally knocked my DD over on the beach once when they were playing and she got upset but she was fine. He's much bigger than a 14 year old. Is he not allowed to play with DD any more? Honestly, some people are so precious.

@howaboutchocolate honestly, some people are so negligent

Did your husband then go on to shove her or another child over very soon after. Once is an accident.

@howaboutchocolate what did you say to her? "For goodness sake! How can you be upset, its not like he meant it?"

I don't think you are BU, I think a blanket ban on your son being present will hugely impact your friendship and I am amazed your friend has gone along with it. That said, the first time a child got pushed over, it should have been stopped. Hope everything will calm down, it sounds very upsetting.

No, I comforted her obviously. But that doesn't mean she shouldn't carry on playing or that falling over isn't sometimes a normal part of running around in a game on the beach. Sand isn't the most stable of surfaces, is it.

If I wasn't allowed to play with anyone who accidentally knocked me over as a child then I would have had no friends left! Partly I was a clumsy child and fell over at the slightest touch, partly it's just how children sometimes play, they get over enthusiastic or don't watch their step. It's not like OPs kid was going around deliberately holding their faces down into the sand maliciously.

The kids were crying, so you need to take that on board. It wasn't a nice experience for them, playing with your son - they don't want to do it again and they are not unreasonable for that.

Sounds like he doesn’t know his own strength and size. He shouldn’t be playing tag with children half his age if he can’t play gently with them.

Wow you must wrap your kids in cotton wool and never allow them to play anything physical! Yes it's ok for my children and others to occasionally get hurt in the course of playing/doing sport/existing. What happened before, the incident itself, the motivation and level of injury of course all make up the whole picture of whether it's acceptable or not.

This, I'm sorry OP but you are completely contradicting yourself here. First you say its never happened before but in your OP you said he has done it before and needs to be told off when it happens. Also, you say you can never meet your friend child free, and yet your husband went to the beach with you, so surely he must have some time off to look after your son whilst you pop out for a coffee with your friend?

My last comment was for @DoreenonTill8

No but ops kid is known to have to be told
to be more careful. His clearly regularly too heavy handed/doesn’t know his own strength.

Why can't your DH watch your son sometimes so you can meet your friend alone for an hour or 2?

I think a wider issue here might be that the age gap is a bit wide. My youngest is friendly with a much older autistic boy who lives locally. It's been nice to see all along . but now he is 14 and my son is 9, it's just getting a bit inappropriate as the conversation has recently changed as the other boys is maturing and hitting puberty. I have to say I'm getting uncomfortable with the friendship and have pulled back a bit . The rough play was just one element of the whole thing for me.

So there was 2 incidents that made children cry ?

in all fairness that was 1 too many, and after the 1st incident - if there were 2 incidents, then you should have dealt with it either by actually watching your son instead of chatting or asking your son to sit with you for a while

I've got 3 dc and sometimes it's great taking all three, and other times it doesn't work. One of the times it often didn't work was when the other dc were dd2/ds' age and dd1 was by far the oldest, but there were any tiny ones for her to look after.
Because adding a 13yo to a group of 10 and 7yos (my dc's ages) changes the dynamic.

I'll also say that there have been times when dd1 (my most timid one) has been scared by behaviour of an older child, that has just been them playing, but scary for a younger child. There was a time when I had to pull back from a friendship because although dd1 loved playing with the dc who was about a year older than her, the older one who was about 3 years older was just wanting to play games that she found too rough.

I think you're also minimising the falling in tag. Yes, children fall in tag, you're quite right. But it would be unusual to fall face forward and get a mouth full of sand. That sounds to me like they were shoved pretty hard from behind.

I'd also note that in your Op you say:
Couldnt he just say that if DS is to be present we all need to pay closer attention since he's "bigger"
If you said that to me, I'd be thinking: "no YOU need to be paying closer attention."
At 7 and 10yo they're at the stage you're beginning to relax while they play, they don't want to be taking responsibility for another child - in the same way if they met up with friends with a toddler, they'd expect the toddler parent generally to be doing the supervision, not saying to them "we need to watch them more carefully".

Now he has told my friend that my soon can't be around them anymore and she obeys.
it sucks but there’s nothing you can do about it.

Why can’t you and friend meet
up and leave kids home with their dads? Both dads were after all off work!
Or why can’t just your son be left with his Dad? Allowing the other 3 to play. Your DH could take the 14 year
old out for some 1:1 time

I think you're also minimising the falling in tag. Yes, children fall in tag, you're quite right. But it would be unusual to fall face forward and get a mouth full of sand. That sounds to me like they were shoved pretty hard from behind

Yes, that does sound much more like being shoved than simply falling over. It would be quite difficult to accidentally fall over twice and both times get sand shoved in your mouth surely? That sounds like they're being pushed over from behind and face planting forwards. Dont forget that a teenage boy aged 14 is going to be double the size and strength of a 7 year old. I'm female and I was 5'10" at age 14/15. If I had shoved a 7 year old at that age I would have sent them flying

Op if your friend is so blunt and outspoken then surely she would have set her husband straight about it? Sounds like she too agrees with him or the kids have said they don't want to be around him and she rather blame the dh than her kids.

I'm sorry, OP. I have an autistic DS a bit older than your DS, and all exclusion hurts. I think your friend went over the top saying your DS can't be around her kids anymore. A lot of the time, I can tell how a NT kid has been parented by the way they act toward my son. There's always a proportion of really intolerant NTs who are quick to judge any of his differences.

Despite my son being incredibly smart and generally low support needs I had to explicitly teach him how to sort of pull his punches. It took years of hands-on work but he knows his own strength now and I'm happy I did it because he is over 6 foot now and is much more aware of his own limitations/abilities.

That being said, I would be really leery about letting him play tag with younger kids for a prolonged period of time. I find that the autistic kid almost always gets the lion's share of the blame when shit hits the fan.

@Scattery what are your thoughts on both parents being present and 2 kids getting hurt?

Do someone did get hurt? Only getting slightly hurt doesn't matter. You know he's not capable of managing his behaviour so sorry it's your responsibility to either constantly monitor in these situations or keep him with the adults. It's tough but younger kids need to be protected

Also @Maria1979 how did you respond? Have you apologised?

Considering that you bear the brunt of all the childcare, why on earth didnt your husband step up a bit and supervise your son to give you a bit of a break and a chance to relax?

What the heck was he doing all the time at the beach and why cant he watch your son for an hour or two whilst you go and meet your friend on your own? you say he travels for work but he must have some time off if you all went to the beach. He sounds lazy and checked out to me.

It's his son too.