Wrong to exclude my SEN child ?

[Maria1979]

I've got a son who's 14 y old on the autism spectrum + very immature. He loves to play w younger children but needs to be told off sometimes to be careful: he's not trying to intentionally hurt someone but fooling around on the beach w younger children two of my friend's younger children (who are my younger son's friends) later on told my friend's husband that he had been rough. Now he has told my friend that my soon can't be around them anymore and she obeys. The thing is this is my BF and we see each other a lot w our children. My son has promised to never play wildly again (this was at a beach outing), nobody got really hurt but I do realise that we should have played closer attention w DH but since noone went in to the water and they were running around on the beach we "relaxed" and talked w the adults.
I'm torn between understanding her husband for wanting to protect his children (he wasn't present) and btw feeling his reaction is exaggerated. Couldnt he just say that if DS is to be present we all need to pay closer attention since he's "bigger" but not more mature than the other children present ? I'm hurt that my friend just choose to go on her husband's line cause I don't think she realises that this will mean the end of us getting together. My older son is highly dependant on me and does not have a social life on his own so I have to bring him everywhere. He's 14, my younger 10 and her children are 7 and 10...

Surely the boys would’ve run out during the day if they were hurt and mentioned they weren’t happy!

Nope. I had older kids bully me at school and didnt tell my parents until they sat me down and coaxed it out of me at home.

I am NOT saying OP's child is a bully btw, so dont interpret that from what I am saying. I am merely pointing out that for a little kid, its not always easy to express that you are uncomfortable with a much older child's behaviour if they make you a bit scared is all.

We definitely need more info @Maria1979 …
werent the kids in view ? Did anyone come and moan they weren’t happy throughout the day? If so did you act?
Have you responded? Try to be apologetic and not defensive

@DoreenonTill8 well that's why I said hard to know without knowing more about what happened and the history. Some parents are over protective, some are doing the right thing for their children.

children get hurt or have fall outs, excluding an NT child would be an overreaction. Excluding an ND child is even worse. And just because they were "a bit rough".
@JLou08 do you see these younger children as collateral? That they should accept getting hurt and people being rough with them?

The OP acknowledges the younger children were hurt. Isn't that enough?

Jesus! Some 14 year olds are adult sized!

A 7 year old shouldn't have to cope with that

OP I have a 14 year old DS and he is stronger than me. A 14 year old is way too big and strong compared to a 7 year old. If your DS is known not to understand where the limits are when playing they he should have been supervised so that you could remind him.

I'd be ending the friendship, if they couldn't accept my child there is not a chance they would be a part of my life.

To be honest, that's probably what friend and her DH are doing by looking out for their child to avoid them being hurt. It's an entirely appropriate boundary.

It hurts OP, of course. But every parent will put their child first. At least they ought to.

Well, no. I know that for a fact because my friend is really outspoken and blunt which is one of the things I appreciate about her. Her husband was supposed to be there but apparantly he fell asleep on the sofa after having smoked a joint(!), again my friend told me this straight up.

I agree w those saying the fault is mine. I should have watched more closely. What qi did see was that they were all building sand castles and playing tag. Apparantly he made two kids fall twice when "tagging" them and they got sand in their mouth from falling down.

To my defense I can only say that I have been the mother who has never sitten down in a playground always watching and interacting w my child and other children to explain comment rules to him and help him out with social interactions. I have dedicated my life to him, I cant work cause not compatible w hubby's work which involves travelling and my son has outside activities 2-3 h/day and then it's just me. He has always tagged along and it's been fine cause we're next to him. My friend has actively encouraged to think about me and not always hoover over my son(s). Im a helicopter mum but not by choice, by necessity. So I enjoyed adult company and we even said isnt it great how the children are enjoying themselves. When my friend's children came over (it happened twice, one time for each one) crying he had pushed them when playing tag my friend told them to stop whining for a bit of sand in the mouth and DH told our son off. When we left everything was fine..so I am a but shocked and really sad tbh..
When it comes to my younger son he has got friends and is often invited on sleepovers so he is not forced to spend excessive time w his brother.

Well, no I can't see my friend childfree. I wish...

The children were all in our view and except for the two times my friend's children came over crying over sand in the mouth they were all laughing..

So your DH was also there.....2 supervising parents

What else didn't you both 'see' though?

When my friend's children came over (it happened twice, one time for each one) crying he had pushed them when playing tag my friend told them to stop whining for a bit of sand in the mouth

So your much bigger and stronger child pushed both of the younger children over and made them cry. Why didn't you stop the game of tag after the first incident?

Is this an ongoing issue ? Then you know more than me.. If it would have been an ongoing issue I wouldnt have needed my friend's husband to say anything. My friend would have done so herself, (and myself obviously). I wouldnt have considered attending an outing If that was the case.

Two parents couldn’t watch and control one child enough that a 10
and 7 year old both came over crying upset because hour much older bigger child had pushed them over and got sand in their faces and mouths…

After the first incident one of you should have got off your butt and intervened rather than letting him shove another child. Or you should have made him sit out as a time out to calm back down.

Sorry… now you’re saying it has never happened before? He isn’t known for getting too rough? That’s not what you said to start with.

Either this is a known issue which has happened before when he plays with younger kids or it’s never happened before and your friend is cutting the kids off after this one incident. So, which is it? Because you’re saying you always have to follow him around and watch for this which makes it an ongoing issue. But you’re actively saying that you had no idea he was doing this…

Your son was much bigger than the children he was playing with. I think you need to be thinking about protecting your son here as much as well as the other children. He'll be an adult in a few years and there will be much less tolerance to this kind of thing. I would start preparing for that now and mitigating any potential problems that could occur if this carries on and your son ends up seriously hurting someone.

Have her children been hurt before by your son?

Pushed down head first into sand? With force so it went into mouths

Nope. I would be putting a stop to that madness too

@DoreenonTill8 well no as there are so many degrees of being hurt and causes behind it - it's not so black and white.

100%

It black and white. If the child is hurt, they're hurt, or are you saying that it's acceptable at times for a child to be hurt?

It was sand on this occasion. Imagine the injury on concrete

Still ok?

In fact I've come back to this as it's quite scary.. 'you were only slapped' 'you've stopped bleeding' 'you didn't need hospital' you really want to teach your dc that being hurt is OK sometimes because 'reasons'...?

Indeed till
its a strong tag and and a child’s head his the concrete floor or a kerb edge of a road.

Your child is stronger than he or you realise and isn’t able to control his strength so he is in fact a danger even in a simple
game of tag. Sad but true.