If one spouse wants to rehome a dog, and the other doesn't, who should get their way?

[AnonAnonEmouse]

As title. Currently a huge source of tension in our home. In cases where a couple disagree on having another child say, on here the consensus is that the one who doesn't want one should get their way. Would the same principle apply here?

For the purposes of voting:
YABU - the one who no longer wants the dog should get their way
YANBU - the dog should stay

In my opinion, it really doesn’t matter now what you thought you were getting into as opposed to what you’ve ended up in. The person who wants to keep the dog, do they want to because they love the dog, they want a dog, they want that dog etc or do they feel guilty and that it’s sting to rehome the dog? That’s what it boils down to for me. Dogs can live many years and if you’ve made a mistake and it’s not going to work for you all, dog included, please rehome the dog, with great care and diligence, to someone who can give the dig the home it needs. Shit happens, it’s not ideal, but are you all going to spend the next decade miserable, including the dog, because it’s ’the right thing to do’ because actually, the right thing to do is rehome the dog, feel shit enough about what’s happened that lessons are genuinely learned so you won’t make that mistake again ever and then everyone gets on with their lives, including the dog. If you know in your heart that your heart isn’t in it and you’re ultimately going to rehome it down the line anyway after trying to make yourself feel better that you tried, forget that for all your sakes, do it now, feel the guilt, take the lesson from the guilt and draw a line under it. It’s all you can do really. People make mistakes. The dog can and will go on to have a genuinely happy life elsewhere with careful and prompt rehoming and you’ll know that a dog isn’t for you. Yes ideally people would know that before they got the dig but you can’t jump in a Time Machine and change that so you just do the best you can now.

It sounds to me like the dog may have developed issues with separation anxiety and the behaviourist has suggested a plan which requires a lot of work (ie, not leaving the dog alone for a while, gradually building up in formulaic ways). This requires patience, commitment and diligence to get it right.

If this is the case, rehoming the dog will only worsen the problem for the dog, since he will feel abandoned and struggle more with alone time with a future owner. You really need to do the right thing by the dog and stick to the plan.

If you decided to get a dog as a family, it's your responsibility to carry it through.

As a non dog owner myself because I KNOW I do not have the time for one, it's quite sickening how many people get dogs without considering the consequences. Such selfish behaviour.

I find the “keep the dog” stance really bizarre. It’s perfectly possible to responsibly and thoughtfully rehome a dog. Yes, it may take work - in some cases, a lot of work, but THAT is your unquestionable obligation. Not keeping an animal against your wishes and being miserable for a decade.

What would be in the best interests of the dog? My parents had a spaniel from a puppy, it should have been great with children, thousands of pounds spent on multiple different trainers later he still couldn’t be trusted. They couldn’t have back doors open in the summer because he didn’t like the neighbours, there was no enjoyment from chilling with him because he didn’t want it and he had to go in a crate when anyone visited. He just simply wasn’t a family dog (he should be been sold as a working dog) and was rehomed to a more suitable owner.

As we don't know the whole situation, I don't know whether keeping him is workable with a lot of inconvenience or whether it's just not possible to keep him.

If it is possible, which you do imply, then the one who wants to re-home should take a step back and think about the fact you made a commitment to that dog when you bought him.

Dogs are hard work, I'm out of the puppy stage now and have a gorgeous dog who I adore, but even being as well behaved and adaptable as he is, I still make most of my decisions around him and his needs.

I don't go on a holiday he can't join me on, I don't go out on New Year because of fireworks, and probably many other things. I work around him all the time. That's what having a dog is. He is worth it to me, the sacrifices you make.

However, I understand how absolutely awful it would be to make those sacrifices if I didn't want him and I imagine how much I could potentially resent him and how negative the impact on my life would be.

So in my heart I guess I'd say keep him and work it out, but in my head I think I'd say re-home him. He deserves 100% committment and if you're not happy, maybe he won't be either.

Good luck, it's a tough decision :(

@AnonAnonEmouse disgusting thing to do after the dog is now a loving part of your family!! dogs are extremely loyal to their family but obviously we cannot say the same about the poor dog's "loving" family! whoever wants to rehome the dog needs a good kicking! dont ever think of having another kid!

If the decision was before getting the dog I’d say it WBU to get the dog. The child analogy in the OP doesn’t hold up here, it would be like having a child then changing your mind and giving it up for adoption!

But you both made that decision and commitment so I think the dog should stay. So long as it’s being well cared for of course.

My vote is rehome the one who wants to give up on their commitment!

However, if there have been huge life changing circumstances since getting the dog, then I’d be more understanding.

Without knowing what these circumstances are it’s difficult to give a true opinion. But the rest of your posts suggest you both were simply underprepared for raising a puppy.

Is the dog closer to one of you than the other? This is quite normal and maybe the other person isn’t getting the same love and joy from the dog?

I don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone who wanted to give away our 11 month old puppy we committed to raising together.

I wouldn’t be able to give up a dog, but if you aren’t in agreement on keeping it and it affects how you spend your leisure time and holidays, your lives are going to become more separate and resentment will build.

You mentioned a big change, is this a new baby or a change of job which doesn’t allow WFH? An inheritance which gives you more flexibility to travel? It would be helpful to know what the change is so posters can offer more support.

I feel for the dog. If spouse who wants to keep the dog can put in all the effort required to train the dog well then I would say fine to keep it. If not then it will be better for all to find the dog a new home where it can get all the training it needs.

How the hell do people not realise this before getting a dog? Of course they restrict your movements and holiday choices, require energy, attention, money etc. I wish it was harder to get a dog and that people had to go through a course explaining the bleedin obvious prior to making the decision.

Poor dog.

Whose idea was it to get a dog? Is that person prepared to take on all the work a dog requires?

If my spouse wanted me to get rid of any of my pets , and when we met I had 4 horses , it would be the spouse that I would be losing . I seriously couldn’t feel loving towards someone who wanted to give away a family member which my pets are to me .

This is why we don't have a dog, kids nagged for a while, we said no as we don't have the time for it that it deserves and I knew they'd get bored of it. There's been a huge rise in dog ownership during/since pandemic and many people don't actually think about what it entails, it's a huge commitment. Having said that, I do think if you can't give it what it needs, rehoming may be a better choice.

Thoughtfully rehoming the dog is one thing. Forgiving my husband for making me do it is another. I would feel he didn’t care about me.

The issue here isn’t what to do about the dog, it’s how the couple decide what to do about the dog. While one person is still emotionally invested in turning the situation around, the other needs to be patient.

Agree I'd leave a marriage over this. Total deal breaker.

Not an easy thing to deal with, but a dog needs to be in a home where everyone (or certainly every adult) wants him or her there. Same with a cat.

I quite agree re what the issue is here.

My post was a response to the many posts on this thread advising that there is an overriding responsibility to keep a dog even if it is making the owner(s) miserable.

@Beula82 If a new owner can be found who’s at home a lot, could it work out better in the end ?

I don’t have much dog training experience, I’m just wondering whether it might work out in the longterm. Our dog was abandoned when he was one and we adopted him from a shelter. He quickly bonded with us and doesn’t suffer from anxiety.

Good luck with rehoming.

Rescues and kennels are overflowing and not many are adopting dogs due to the COL crisis and people being forced back to the office.

Sadly this means many healthy young dogs end up being PTS.

a dog is a lifetime commitment. Reasons for rehoming are allergies, specific aggression, and catastrophic life changes.

The dog doesn’t really fit our lifestyle is not a good reason to rehome a dog.

it’s not really a matter up for vote.

You mention having another child as in one that does not yet exist. Yes if the child does not exist then the only option is not having another child. If the child was already born and you changed your mind on wanting the child, the child would stay. Same for the dog. If it's about taking on another dog it's a no unless you both agree, if the dog is already family then the dog stays.

Every dog is different, separation anxiety is higher in rescues but sounds like your bond is good and he’s a lucky one.

In this case, if the problem with OP’s dog is separation anxiety, rehoming to someone who is home more won’t help. SA, once established, is a fear of being left no matter how long. It needs to be addressed with a set protocol to desensitise the dog from time alone before it can be left alone at all. It’s time consuming and hard work but so worth it for the dog.

@Beula82 We’ve been very lucky, he’s a lovely cuddly boy. 😍