If one spouse wants to rehome a dog, and the other doesn't, who should get their way?

[AnonAnonEmouse]

As title. Currently a huge source of tension in our home. In cases where a couple disagree on having another child say, on here the consensus is that the one who doesn't want one should get their way. Would the same principle apply here?

For the purposes of voting:
YABU - the one who no longer wants the dog should get their way
YANBU - the dog should stay

Even your dog's behaviourist feels you're the wrong family for this dog.

Depends on the reason and its not comparable with having a child.

You can't force an individual to own a pet if they don't want to so the choice becomes which is the most important to you.

Ahhh...

Tell me you're an adolescent dog owner without telling me...

Which party is doing the bulk of the work with the dog.
That should be the person who gets their way... however, if the other person wants the dog more than they want to stay in the relationship, theres not a lot you can do about that!

Adolescent dogs are hard work, bloody needy and often regress in their behaviour/skills. It isn't forever, but it is for now. I think it'd be a shame to rehome because you didn't realise this is a part of raising a dog.

Again, don't want to go into lots of detail or drip feed, but in fairness to the one who wants to rehome circumstances have changed quite a lot since the puppy came in ways we could not have forseen. If circumstances were then what they are now then the puppy would not have been bought. But that's life, and they are here now, hence the disagreement.

Dogs are brilliant if you put the work in. The stupid/stubborn dog teenage years are not easy, but you both should have known that from your research prior to committing to a dog. They settle down around 18 month / 2 years if you keep the training up. Or are there issues beyond this normal behaviour?

What breed and do you have a contract/agreement with breeder to return for rehoming?

have only read OPs posts. Rehome the poor dog.

Do the changed circs mean one partner has to take on the extra burden of additional dog care?

Christ. A dog is not a family member in the same way that a child or a spouse is.
Yes, in an ideal world, you wouldn't have got the dog if you can't meet its needs. But now that you're in that situation the right thing to do is to let it go live with someone who can, not force it to live in a substandard situation surrounded by tension amongst its humans. I know of two families who have rehomed a dog because they couldn't deal with having it and in both cases it was absolutely the right thing to do, for the humans and for the dogs, whose needs just weren't being met in the homes they were in.

Eleven months old can be a difficult time for a young dog - and if you are willing to put time and effort in now - things should hopefully become easier over the next few months .

However - this is dependent on the time you have to devote to the dog . Do you both work full time ? Do you have children ? Or plan them in future?

Have things changed for you in the last 10 months ? As if not these things should have been considered before getting your puppy .

But obviously you can't go back in time so you need to manage the future and if you are not prepared or able to put in the time and effort needed then it's probably best to see whether you can safely rehome.

It's not about whether you or your partner should win your argument but what's best for the dog .

Without details it is a pretty pointless thread. What do you want from it?

Everyone agreeing or disagreeing with you (whichever one you are) based on no info??

It isn’t - what I said was that if your relationship is damaged by the dog issue, it likely was before, because in isolation that’s a bold step. It would be symptomatic of other issues that mean you’re not compatible.

I would also absolutely break up with someone who could disregard a responsibility because it isn’t convenient, because… children aren’t always convenient either, would you disregard one of those? As above, it would be a sign of a bigger issue for me personally. That issue would already exist behind the scenes, the dog dismissal would just make it obvious.

Whichever one of you is saying the dog is part of the family is right, it is. It should be, or you shouldn’t have got it.

It's not about whether you or your partner should win your argument but what's best for the dog .

This with bells on it.

Btw I know retired people who when they were or are under 75 have taken on an adolescent dog. This is because they mainly live in child free households, have the time to devote to a dog, and are aware of the restrictions it places on their life.

@AnonAnonEmouse We have a similar scenario...

DH had a dog when I met him. I grew up in a pet free home. A nice clean tidy home...

I got used to the dog, but it's always been said that the dog belonged to DH, he walks him, picks up poop etc... NOT ME!

When dog died, I discovered that DH is a miserable fucker without a dog, and there was absolutely NO WAY our marriage would survive without another dog. DH was grumpy, miserable, and got fat without the walking.

10 years and 2 more kids later we now have TWO dogs, they are still DH's responsibility, but it's the mud and hair all over the house that drives me crazy. I hate it and it makes me feel un-relaxed, but DH just doesn't see it, so it's me that spends ages vacuuming and wiping walls.

You can't just rehome a dog. The person that wants to keep it needs to put that time and effort into training it as well as pulling their weight in the household. DH once tried to include dog walking as a chore. It did NOT go down well! I made it clear that I would re-home him with the dogs if he said that again as the dogs are supposed to be something he wants/needs!

If my husband couldn’t be bothered to help care for an animal mutually decided on I don’t think I could be bothered with him so the marriage would be over regardless.

Why can so many people these days not seem to manage life without making everything a drama, it’s very possible to have children, pets and jobs with a bit of effort put in. Get up earlier, walk the dog when the kids are in bed. It’s not rocket science.

I sounds like you want to rehome. I think that rather than viewing it as the dog being placed above you, view it as a disagreement on something ethical. For instance, a partner decides to become vegan. The non vegan partner has to accept they might never share a meal with their partner again, cooking meals to their liking suddenly falls on them exusively as the vegan will only touch vegan food...
But they have to accept the vegan is sincerely convinced that cooking meat would be wrong. Not because they no longer lo e their partner but because they can't cross what has become a moral boundary for them.

For many / most, getting rid of a dog is something morally wrong they cannot do.

I wanted to know what people would do if they were in the situation where one partner feels the dog is a commitment too far on top of existing and new commitments but the other was strongly against it.

Those of you saying the dogs needs are the priority are absolutely correct. Unfortunately we can't agree here either - the one wanting to keep dog feels we can but the other disagrees.

Welcome to having an adolescent dog. They’re shits. But part of the family. What type of breed is it as that’ll give a little bit of an indication of how long adolescence will last? They push boundaries during adolescence and it’s hard. Some days it’s really hard to like them and if you aren’t fully on board, it’s hard to keep them in your house. However, if you keep at it then they slowly become less puppy and more dog. At the minute he’s probably 99% puppy (aka a shit) and 1% dog (that loving animal you thought you were getting). But it’ll gradually get easier and hopefully within a year you will be at 20% puppy and 80% dog. They’re still idiots but you can cope with the idiocy a bit more then.

You've said there is nothing more going but the behaviourist agrees you’re not going to make a difference. Is that because both of you aren’t willing to put the work in? Or is there something else? Puppies need consistency. Both of you need to be willing to put the work in and it will pay off.

I'd normally say that once you have a pet you're committed, but if the behaviourist is doubtful you can make the change needed then you really can't and you should rehome.

Those of you saying the dogs needs are the priority are absolutely correct. Unfortunately we can't agree here either - the one wanting to keep dog feels we can but the other disagrees.

Well, if they can met the dog’s needs, great. They can go ahead and do that, can’t they?

Ignore my last question, I think the person wanting to get rid of the dog is being a bit selfish. But maybe it’s best if the dog goes to a family who can properly care for them.

I'm cross that you and your partner didn't fully think this through before you got the dog. But you're (sadly) not alone in that and it's done. What's important now is to make sure your dogs life can be the best it can be.

I think you should set a time limit, say 4-6 weeks and see what progress has been made with the training and behaviour. If there's not real progress and effort being made then rehome the dog because it deserves to have a home where all its needs are met and it's wanted. It's not fair to let this drag on and then find in a few months or years that you rehome. That's more damaging for the dog. But please rehome it responsibly - no gumtree, facebook, free-ads etc. If you got the pup from a good breeder they should take it back. If not use a reputable rehoming charity be that the RSPCA/SSPCA, dogs trust or a good local one (your behavioralist probably can advise).

Seems fairly obvious you want to keep the dog and your husband wants to get rid. But it’s difficult to say which is right without details of the dog’s behaviour.

if it’s weeing a bit inside, then that can be resolved with hard work,
if it’s biting people then that is entirely different.

on the whole I think the effort should be put in. It’s only 11 months, still a puppy. And a dog is for life.

but we really need the full picture to advise Properly.

I have 3 dogs and one who passed 2 years ago. Of those 4, 3 have been rescues and one was bought as a puppy.

I love my dogs. They mean the world to me and I could never conceive of giving them up. Yes they are hard work, especially until they reach about 2/3 years old and are past the puppy and adolescent stages. And it’s easy to forget just how much time and effort it takes when you’ve come out the other side….all comes flooding back very quickly when you’re cleaning up another accident or throwing away another chewed up something or other!

At the most stressful times with all our dogs, but especially with the latest rescue we got in October, my DH has thrown a paddy and alluded to an ultimatum “It’s me or the dog” style. Then he calms down, realises how much he loves them all too, we calmly discuss what we can do differently as a team to make things better and then we act on it.

If you and your partner aren’t united and willing to work together to give the dog the best life possible, then sadly the best option may be to rehome.

If you choose to do this, PLEASE do not just stick them on Gumtree. Make sure they are rehomed ideally through a dog charity or breed specific rescue, or if doing it privately, look into Facebook groups for rehoming which may be able to help find the right new owner who will give your dog the forever home it deserves.

@noctilucentcloud has good advice. Set a time limit to make some progress with training and see whether you can make it work. If not, you’ve got your answer.

Putting my amateur sleuthing hat on, the OP’s updates suggests that something major has changed since they got the dog. Perhaps the primary caregiver has changed jobs and is no
longer as available, for example. Or they’re traveling more for work.

On the one hand I think that if you get a pet then you should commit to the pet. On the other hand… if you find someone else who can clearly genuinely give it a better home then that’s better for the dog as well as for you. Don’t take it to a rescue centre, but consider careful re-ownership. My parents took on a 10-12 month lab from a couple who realised they couldn’t give her the attention she needed, and she really fell on her paws.

Op is the problem the dog’s behaviour or that as you said one partner has to do more around the house because the other is dealing with the dog?

Or is it to do with holidays or not being able to visit someone (which I get, I eased up on visiting dm when we got the dog, but now she looks forward to seeing him too!)

What breed? Up until 1 and a half I honestly thought we’d made the hugest mistake ever and our cocker spaniel almost broke us- we were just wrecked and miserable.

I’d recommend you both read easy peasy puppy squeezey to remind you why you wanted a dog in the first place and look through all the rehoming threads here to show you we’ve all been there!!