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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to concentrate on family time

197 replies

RunningAhead · 30/05/2024 05:09

I love being a mum. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I completely adore my children. My DH is a wonderful father and he also adores the children.

We regularly have trips out as a family. Probably every weekend we go to a beach, a park or local attraction. These are the best times for me. Everything feels great when we're all together and I want to put all my effort into these times and being a mum.

My DH says I'm neglecting our relationship. I admit things are not great when the kids aren't around. He wants to be closer again and go on date nights but I have no interest at all in spending time as a couple.

I see him more as a friend and I'd rather put my focus into family time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 30/05/2024 14:26

Thing is OP there’s no shame in admitting your marriage is over. And it certainly is over. You no longer like or desire him. It happens a lot and it doesn’t make you a bad person. There are worse things to happen than divorce.

But it does mean you have a responsibility to own it and be open with him and allow him to make an informed decision about how he wants to spend the rest of his life. Marriage and children doesn’t mean you can railroad someone into your version of how you want to live without their input.

You can’t simply demand that he also live in this weird Disney version of Happy Families in perpetuity because it suits you to not have to face up to reality.

Notellinganyone · 30/05/2024 14:27

That final sentence is the harbinger of doom. He’s not just an accessory to your family life - he’s your partner. Before you know it your children will be teenagers doing their own thing and you’ll be left with a hollow relationship. It’s really not fair on him.

BananaPalm · 30/05/2024 14:35

I'm afraid you might be setting yourself up for a full blown depression later on, when the kids don't need you that much anymore/leave the house... If I were you I'd slowly start building YOUR life to have something to fall back on. Time really flies...

HcbSS · 30/05/2024 15:04

Did you ever love him and want to be in a marriage or did you just want a sperm donor to have children? What would have happened if either of you had turned out to be infertile?
Poor man.

Liliee · 30/05/2024 15:13

Surely a reverse? It's too overtly clueless.

harriethoyle · 30/05/2024 15:25

Hope you've a good lawyer lined up for the inevitable divorce.

Mostlycarbon · 30/05/2024 15:25

There was almost exactly this post from the husband's perspective recently. You need to make an effort in your marriage and listen to what your partner is trying to tell you otherwise it won't last.

Hankunamatata · 30/05/2024 15:31

This is how affairs can start. He is telling you what he needs from the relationship and you are ignoring him.

KreedKafer · 30/05/2024 15:38

My DH says I'm neglecting our relationship. I admit things are not great when the kids aren't around. He wants to be closer again and go on date nights but I have no interest at all in spending time as a couple. I see him more as a friend

If my partner said that about me, I'd be absolutely devastated.

Yes, of course YABU. You say you see him as a friend, but I can't believe you actually treat your friends as badly as you're currently treating your husband. You're just using him as a prop in your eternal game of happy families and you clearly don't give a shit about his feelings. Just because he's a man, that doesn't mean he doesn't need to feel loved and desired. You're basically keeping him on like some sort of live-in help to support with childcare and to play along with your cutesy vision of what a family is. He's the absolute bottom of your list of priorities and honestly, I hope to God he leaves.

Crunchingleaf · 30/05/2024 15:41

I honestly believe that nurturing your marriage/ relationship is good for the security of the family especially the children. If our marriage breaks down then financially that would be way harder which would impact the kids. Our children would be going between two houses etc. I already had a DC when I met DH and it’s very difficult on a child when parents split up even when it’s the best thing for the child and parents. I think anyone who throws their marriage away when the DC come along is being very naive and short sighted.

tearsandtiaras · 30/05/2024 15:42

He will resent you and cheat on you in time for treating like this. He did not sign up to just be a parent.

You are betraying him now with your actions and thus he will betray you in time

GingerPirate · 30/05/2024 17:56

Jenepeuxpasdiscuteravecdesstupides · 30/05/2024 06:27

You are being v unreasonable. He contributed to the making of the children, but he also chose to marry you, assuming you would be a couple.
Now you are no longer interested in him; he's donated the sperm, you have what you want.
Why should someone you now have no interest in, except as a friend, parent, contribute to bills, help with housework, and keep you in a life you've decided they have no place in?

Yes, right, but this happens.
I cannot imagine being in a "romantic sexual"
relationship with my husband after 20 years.
(No children).
However, talking about stuff is key.
We are still alright and together.

BIossomtoes · 30/05/2024 18:34

I cannot imagine being in a "romantic sexual" relationship with my husband after 20 years.

That’s sad. We still are after 26 years.

iFox07 · 30/05/2024 19:29

If DH is a friend then going on a date night is what friends do, but I can only hang out with my friends so much.

The fact that you are seeking others advice says you do care about DH and are probably looking for justification. Love comes and goes in a relationship and couples are really friends working together to raise a family and be successful together. A thought is since you spend so much time together your probably tired of each other and the kids. When I spend a weekend with my wife and kids I can wait for a night out with my friends with no wife or kids. I think the question I'd ask is are the two of you pursuing who you are individually instead of just going through the motions of what society thinks a family should do together. When I start to notice my wife doing something I know nothing about it rekindles my interest in her so we go out and have something to talk about and vise versa.

Just note thought that if DH feels you don't want to spend time with them then DH may stray or avoid you. If that doesn't bother you then no reason to worry about it.

PassingStranger · 30/05/2024 20:11

wizarddry · 30/05/2024 05:27

What's your plan when the kids leave home?

Or when he leave home.

Original poster
RunningAhead · 30/05/2024 20:57

Spinet · 30/05/2024 09:27

Your H posted on here a week or two ago. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5073917-wife-no-longer-interested-since-kids-advice?page=21

I didn't believe that thread either tbh.

That's not my DH. Can see why you would say it but it's not. Wrong ages, number of children, job situation. Interesting to read though to get a different view on it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
RunningAhead · 30/05/2024 21:02

I honestly don't think he will have an affair or leave despite the warnings on here. He's very committed and takes marriage vows seriously - comes from a religious family. He's said to me a number.of times that he would never leave no matter what because that's the promise he made to me in front of friends and family (and god).

At the moment I have to focus on the children and spending time together as a family. I don't have the energy to do more as a couple of top of that. Once the children become older and eventually leave then I will hopefully have more energy and interest to spend with DH as a couple.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 30/05/2024 21:03

@RunningAhead

i hope you’ve read all of these replies and you’ve let them sink in. Nobody wants to hear in any type of relationship be that a marriage, friendship, siblings etc that one half doesn’t actually want to actually spend time with the other person or have any Interest in them.

If you treat people like that don’t be surprised when you lose them.

OhHelloMiss · 30/05/2024 21:05

RunningAhead · 30/05/2024 21:02

I honestly don't think he will have an affair or leave despite the warnings on here. He's very committed and takes marriage vows seriously - comes from a religious family. He's said to me a number.of times that he would never leave no matter what because that's the promise he made to me in front of friends and family (and god).

At the moment I have to focus on the children and spending time together as a family. I don't have the energy to do more as a couple of top of that. Once the children become older and eventually leave then I will hopefully have more energy and interest to spend with DH as a couple.

Well that's what he says

Who knows what he's really thinking.

Flickersy · 30/05/2024 21:06

At the moment I have to focus on the children and spending time together as a family.

No you don't have to. You just want to.

Your relationship needs as much focus as the children do.

bakewellbride · 30/05/2024 21:08

"Once the children become older and eventually leave then I will hopefully have more energy and interest to spend with DH as a couple."

It doesn't really work like that. You can't just neglect / give up on a relationship then just expect to pick up where you left off years and years later.

My dh and I are in the thick of it now with young kids, broken sleep etc but still make an effort to spend time together in the evenings. We still try to make each other feel special. It's important to not just be mum and dad and that's it. Or if that IS all you want then you have to be upfront and separate/ co parent.

DaisyChain505 · 30/05/2024 21:09

RunningAhead · 30/05/2024 21:02

I honestly don't think he will have an affair or leave despite the warnings on here. He's very committed and takes marriage vows seriously - comes from a religious family. He's said to me a number.of times that he would never leave no matter what because that's the promise he made to me in front of friends and family (and god).

At the moment I have to focus on the children and spending time together as a family. I don't have the energy to do more as a couple of top of that. Once the children become older and eventually leave then I will hopefully have more energy and interest to spend with DH as a couple.

He said he’d never leave as he’s religious. That doesn’t mean he’ll stay and be happy.

How can you continue putting no effort into this relationship knowing he will continue to become more depressed in life with the way you’re treating him?

You do realise without this relationship you had there would be no children. Maybe you should try and remember what was important before your children came along because one day they will up and leave you to live their lives and if you’ve put you’re all into just being a mum you’ll be left all alone with nothing else about you.

Phantasmagorically · 30/05/2024 21:11

Once the children become older and eventually leave then I will hopefully have more energy and interest to spend with DH as a couple.

To use the language of the youth, you are delulu.

Gogogo12345 · 30/05/2024 21:16

GingerPirate · 30/05/2024 17:56

Yes, right, but this happens.
I cannot imagine being in a "romantic sexual"
relationship with my husband after 20 years.
(No children).
However, talking about stuff is key.
We are still alright and together.

Show quote history

Whyever not?

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/05/2024 21:22

Honestly OP you are deluding yourself. He is telling you in the strongest possible terms he is not getting his needs met. Whether he’s religious or not or irrelevant: religious people can also become bitter or disillusioned. You may technically be right that he won’t leave but he can stay and your relationship become more toxic. Is that really what you want your children to witness? Two people play acting at being in a marriage?

You keep talking about “spending time together as a family” like a religious mantra which will keep everybody together. But the fact is your version of being a family doesn’t include him or take account of what he wants. It’s not fair and not sustainable.