To want to concentrate on family time

[RunningAhead]

I love being a mum. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I completely adore my children. My DH is a wonderful father and he also adores the children.

We regularly have trips out as a family. Probably every weekend we go to a beach, a park or local attraction. These are the best times for me. Everything feels great when we're all together and I want to put all my effort into these times and being a mum.

My DH says I'm neglecting our relationship. I admit things are not great when the kids aren't around. He wants to be closer again and go on date nights but I have no interest at all in spending time as a couple.

I see him more as a friend and I'd rather put my focus into family time. AIBU?

I think this is the case for quite a lot of people actually. I know so many women personally who I'm convinced don't actually like their husbands/partners, seeing them as little more than sperm donors. Once the family is complete, he becomes surplus to requirements.

I have a friend who could have written this. As could her mum.

Her dad eventually had an affair (when my friend was still in primary school) and openly so. Her mum knew and they continued in their sham of a platonic marriage for the sake of the children.

My friend then went on to be the same. Completely neglected the relationship because her primary focus was now the children and he was a food provider etc but reassured herself that he would never leave the children.

And she was right. They're still together. Like a business arrangement. He has a 'friend' on the side who is an open secret. She hates it and it's destroyed her but, yanno, Family Time!

I often wonder what will happen when the youngest leaves home.

I have no interest at all in spending time as a couple.

If my husband said that to me I would assume the marriage was on borrowed time and would plan accordingly.

YABU. To put it simply, if you don't put effort into your marriage, you won't have a family unit much longer.

I feel the same, I am still me but the authentic me.
I am so much more confident now and I adore them.

I don't want to end the relationship because I'm fine with things are and to provide a healthy family unit for the kids.

Ask your husband what he thinks of the 'health' of your family unit.

One of the greatest things my parents gave me was an example of a loving, healthy relationship. They enjoyed each others company, it made for a very happy household and family time.
In the depths of the baby stage I didn't prioritise my relationship, my husband was gutted but understood for a short period of time. I couldn't imagine the hurt it would have caused him and our relationship if it continued.

You will end up being a very lonely individual if you can't make space in your life for your husband or friends. Spending all your time with your kids and neglecting all other relationships is not a good way to live your life as one day they will be adults and they will leave to live their own lives, you will be left with absolutely nobody.

I was just going to post a link to this!

Assuming both threads are genuine, if this is not your husband, @RunningAhead it very soon will be.

"I don't think he would leave because he loves the kids too much."

Don't kid yourself.

You are being vv unreasonable. You need to do the decent thing and tell him to leave as you no longer love or desire him. This would split up your family and your lovely "family time" as he would be entitled to 50-50. Unless you want to work at this and listen to him your marriage is doomed.

You will end up a single parent if you continue down this route. Your DH has been honest with you and asked for a change, many go off and have affairs to get the affection they are lacking.

You need to make an effort with your relationship or split up, what you are doing will not work long term.

I wonder what kind of relationship you had with your DH before the kids if you have nothing to talk about and don't want to have date nights etc with him.

Ugh. This is so fucked up.

How old are the DC? If they are tiny, this is more understandable, though still think it doesn't bode well that you don't want to spend time with your DH.

You say you don't have anything to talk about, I'm assuming apart from your shared kids and home, domestic stuff. What about your work, social life, friends, interests? You should have other things going on in your life other than family - so must be either this is lacking in your life or you feel like you don't have anything in common with DH.

I do think it's an issue and you should spend time with DH and build your relationship. You say he's a good man, father etc and you aren't thinking about splitting up, but he isn't happy. He is telling you this is what he wants - you should listen.

A healthy relationship is the base of this family time. Modelling a good relationship is extremely beneficial for the children. And showing no interest in your DH without the children present really isn’t healthy, and quite frankly, it sounds as though you’re holding him ransom in this relationship because you know he’s a good father and won’t leave the children.
Please try to find time as a couple again. Of course children should be the main priority, but focusing on your relationship too will only make things better for them.

Poor kids

This. I presume that as far as OP is concerned he's done what she wanted of him, given her the children, and now he's of no use.

OP you said he is a great husband and father. I couldn't ask any more of him. He is kind considerate and would do anything for all of us. He puts so much effort into the kids and is always looking out for me.

Don't pretend to yourself that he won't leave. If you don't want to be with him, he WILL end the marriage to find someone else for whom he can be all those things and who will do the same for him in return. And as a loving father may well pursue 50/50 custody, not to spite you (as some exes do) but because he genuinely wants to be with them and care for them. Then bang go your lovely 'family' weekends.

Personally I hope he does go and find someone who loves him for himself. This: I just don't have the interest or energy in spending time with just him any more is so selfish I'm surprised you can even bring yourself to admit it.

Tbh, he probably wouldn't leave. Not immediately. Not until he had someone else to go to.

And even then, maybe not.

That's why they blame their wives for ending the marriage and destroying the family. Unless things are bad at home, they often don't plan to leave.

They don't remain faithful though.

OP, I've just seen a post on fb that reminded me of this thread.

Affairs don't start in the bedroom. They start with conversations.

Those conversations your husband wants with you? Those times where you should connect emotionally? That's what he wants. That is what he will find elsewhere. And that is how the affair will start. It always does.

Your relationship is over. You want to be friends. He wants to be a couple. I don’t see you having a future, especially as the kids grow up and become independent.

Would it help to see working at your marriage as something you need to do for your kids? Otherwise you may well find they are being brought up by another woman 50% of the time.

Relationships really suffer with young children. Your DH is communicating with you that he's not happy with the status quo - I really think you need to listen to that. He's doing the right thing - he's not just letting his head get turned by another woman at work who sees a great family man, enjoys a connection with him and falls in love.

Communicate back - if you're too tired for date nights maybe he needs step up? It's your life OP but my advice (total stranger on the internet I realise) is to put some effort into your relationship too...otherwise you might regret it

I really hate this notion of forced "family time".

"Family time" does not have to be constantly out at parks or beaches or attractions. It can be working in the garden together or cooking together or just watching TV. If you need entertainment to enjoy each others company, it's a sad state of affairs.

Your H is telling you that your relationship is in trouble. Stop trying to manufacture family time and focus on what's happening in your home.

Children are important, but the relationship between you and your H is what the whole family is built on and it deserves equal attention. Neglect those foundations and the family will crumble.

I don't want to end the relationship because I'm fine with things are and to provide a healthy family unit for the kids

Do you even care at all that your Husband is unhappy?

You said in your OP that you see your DH as a friend, but this is not how you treat a friend.

It seems to me that your definition of "a healthy family unit" is extremely twisted. The presence of two parents in the home does not automatically make a "healthy family unit". It is the quality of the relationships that determines the health of the family unit and your relationship with your DH, which will form the model for your DC's future relationships, is in very bad shape.

Are you neglecting yourself too op? What else do you do besides be the mother of your children?
It sounds like you need to give attention to other parts of your life too and that includes your dh who sounds like a good man.

Dh is part of your family not just the children