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Original poster

Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

607 replies

Swimmingtosurvive · 13/05/2024 06:43

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

OP posts:
Medschoolmum · 21/05/2024 16:11

FiveZoo · 21/05/2024 15:40

HaHa, I am a bit anti men

In my experience men do not leave a long marriage unless they have something already lined up.

Men do not really understand the concept of 50/50 when it comes to childcare or the home.

Men usually are very aware of why their wives have stopped having sex with them.

Once separated, men who think they can fit full time work, a new relationship and 50/50 co parenting are deluded.

The most important bit in this post is the bit where you say "in my experience", as it's really clear that you are extrapolating from your own negative experiences and projecting those experiences on to the OP's situation, which is quite different.

I'm sorry that you have had bad experiences with shitty men, but your experiences are not universal and they are not relevant here.

There is absolutely nothing to suggest that the OP already has another relationship lined up. There is absolutely nothing to suggest that the OP doesn't understand 50/50 when it comes to childcare or housework - he is already doing more than his fair share. And there is nothing to suggest that he really knows why his wife has fallen out of love with him - she herself has told him that she hasn't really done anything wrong and the only thing that she has pointed to is the fact that she resents him carrying out household tasks in his own particular way rather than in the way that she dictates that he should.

Plenty of women and men do manage to fit in full time work, 50/50 parenting and new relationships after splitting from the parents of their children, so why would the OP be deluded to think that this would be a possibility? Not that he seems to be thinking about a new relationship just yet anyway.

LakeSnake · 21/05/2024 16:16

@Medschoolmum because actually most single parents, regardless of the gender, find it hard??

I mean what your post is basically saying that all the single mums saying it’s hard to be a single parents are over the top? That’s it’s not that different than being married anyway? It’s just a bit less money and finding childcare isn’t hard anyway…..

Strangely enough, that’s not what most women say. They say it’s hard to always be on deck. That the cost of nursery is eye watering (even though the OP is lucky that were talking about afterschool/holiday club not nursery cost wise). That they struggle with work because their child is yet again ill.

Im not sure what’s the point of minimizing the difficulties of being a single parent. Regardless of whether it’s the mother or the father.

It is a fact it’s harder to be a single parent for many reasons. It will be the case for the OP.
And yes that’s even though emotionally I’m sure he’ll have a huge weight off his shoulders etc etc….

Medschoolmum · 21/05/2024 16:31

LakeSnake · 21/05/2024 16:16

@Medschoolmum because actually most single parents, regardless of the gender, find it hard??

I mean what your post is basically saying that all the single mums saying it’s hard to be a single parents are over the top? That’s it’s not that different than being married anyway? It’s just a bit less money and finding childcare isn’t hard anyway…..

Strangely enough, that’s not what most women say. They say it’s hard to always be on deck. That the cost of nursery is eye watering (even though the OP is lucky that were talking about afterschool/holiday club not nursery cost wise). That they struggle with work because their child is yet again ill.

Im not sure what’s the point of minimizing the difficulties of being a single parent. Regardless of whether it’s the mother or the father.

It is a fact it’s harder to be a single parent for many reasons. It will be the case for the OP.
And yes that’s even though emotionally I’m sure he’ll have a huge weight off his shoulders etc etc….

I'm not minimising the difficulties of being a single parent in the slightest, but based on what the OP has posted here, I think the practical side of things will be less challenging for him than they are for many single parents because he is already doing far more than his fair share anyway. He already has an established career and he is very used to juggling childcare responsibilities and housework around that... he seems to do all of the meal prep at the moment anyway, most of the work getting the kids ready for school, bathtimes and bedtimes etc and a lot of the cleaning etc. It really isn't terribly clear what his wife actually contributes to the household at the moment, other than the school run, a bit of after school childcare and brushing her dd's hair in the mornings. I'm not convinced that her practical contributions are going to be terribly missed.

The other things that my friends who are single parents find hard are a) being "on" all the time, but this doesn't generally apply when the parents have 50/50 care, and b) not having anyone to share the emotional challenges of parenting with, but the OP doesn't have that kind of relationship with his wife anyway. Oh, and the adjustment of having to return to work if they have taken time out, but again, this isn't applicable in the OP's situation.

Of course, 50/50 care would be a shock to the system for any WOHP who had a SAHP at home that was actually pulling their weight and carrying a fair share of the load, but that isn't the case here. The OP is doing a huge amount already.

Medschoolmum · 21/05/2024 16:37

To be clear, I'm not saying that single parents have it easy in the slightest. Male or female, it's bloody hard work.

What I'm saying is that most people who are co-parenting within the context of a relationship would tend to share out the load much more equally than the OP and his wife currently do, and the OP is not really experiencing any of the benefits of being in a relationship at present that one might usually expect.

kkloo · 21/05/2024 16:38

Medschoolmum · 21/05/2024 08:12

We don't actually know if his career has benefited in the slightest. He might have progressed just as much if the OP had been working and the children had been in childcare. Many people do.

And the OP hasn't had someone "supporting him" because his wife is not supportive. You can choose not to believe what he has said, but you have no evidence to support the idea that he doesn't do 50% of the housework - it sounds like you are projecting from your own experience rather than reading the actual thread. From what he says he actually does, it actually sounds to me like he does more than half of the housework tbh, which is ridiculous given that the children are in school and the wife has very little else to do. He has acknowledged that his wife does a bit more childcare, but again, he is clearly very hands on with the children when he is at home, and the kids are in school most of the day, so it isn't as if she is contributing loads here either.

Saving the cost of nursery... well, maybe, if she has few skills/such low earning potential that her earnings would have been been lower than the cost of childcare, but we don't know. And in any case, I'm not talking about the set-up a few years ago when the children were little, I'm talking about the situation now when the children are in school, when she clearly isn't contributing very much at all. And that's absolutely fine if they're in a relationship and the OP is happy to support that, but in this case, the wife has totally checked out of the relationship. She is taking the piss by letting the OP carry on funding her lifestyle while she swans around going to the gym and meeting her friends while openly telling him that she has no interest in him.

It is true that the OP gets to see his kids every day under the current arrangement, and so does his wife, whereas they will each probably see them only 50/50 if they split up. That is the one benefit of the current set-up for the OP. But if that alone was enough to persuade the OP that it was worth staying in a cold, loveless marriage with someone who contributes so little, then I guess he wouldn't be thinking of leaving now, would he?

Show quote history

It is true that the OP gets to see his kids every day under the current arrangement, and so does his wife, whereas they will each probably see them only 50/50 if they split up. That is the one benefit of the current set-up for the OP.But if that alone was enough to persuade the OP that it was worth staying in a cold, loveless marriage with someone who contributes so little, then I guess he wouldn't be thinking of leaving now, would he?

No but equally this woman says the only thing that is important to her is the children and she wants to be with them most of the time and always be around them etc but even she hasn't been able to put on an act to pretend she loves the OP in order to make sure she's still with her children all the time. She knows that there is a risk to her current lifestyle.
OP would probably stay if it looked like she was trying and she obviously can't so presumably it sounds like it's getting just as intolerable for her

She benefitted by not having to work and always getting to be around her kids, but she can't have been happy if she was living with someone who irritated her and frustrated her with everything he did (even if the only reason he irritated her and frustrated her was because she fell out of love and he wasn't doing anything wrong)

I've seen a few posts here over the years from women who say that their husband is objectively great, and a great father and great in all sorts of ways but they just don't love him and they're miserable. Lots of people tend to say that she'll regret losing him etc but if she splits and seem to think she should be able to magic up some love somewhere or find a way to change her feelings because the man is a catch but feelings don't work like that.

Medschoolmum · 21/05/2024 16:49

kkloo · 21/05/2024 16:38

It is true that the OP gets to see his kids every day under the current arrangement, and so does his wife, whereas they will each probably see them only 50/50 if they split up. That is the one benefit of the current set-up for the OP.But if that alone was enough to persuade the OP that it was worth staying in a cold, loveless marriage with someone who contributes so little, then I guess he wouldn't be thinking of leaving now, would he?

No but equally this woman says the only thing that is important to her is the children and she wants to be with them most of the time and always be around them etc but even she hasn't been able to put on an act to pretend she loves the OP in order to make sure she's still with her children all the time. She knows that there is a risk to her current lifestyle.
OP would probably stay if it looked like she was trying and she obviously can't so presumably it sounds like it's getting just as intolerable for her

She benefitted by not having to work and always getting to be around her kids, but she can't have been happy if she was living with someone who irritated her and frustrated her with everything he did (even if the only reason he irritated her and frustrated her was because she fell out of love and he wasn't doing anything wrong)

I've seen a few posts here over the years from women who say that their husband is objectively great, and a great father and great in all sorts of ways but they just don't love him and they're miserable. Lots of people tend to say that she'll regret losing him etc but if she splits and seem to think she should be able to magic up some love somewhere or find a way to change her feelings because the man is a catch but feelings don't work like that.

Show quote history

No, I agree that you can't always control how you feel (though I personally would at least give couples therapy a go before walking away from my marriage because I did take my marriage vows seriously). But fair enough if she wasn't happy and was convinced that she couldn't ever be happy with the OP.

But surely the only fair thing to do in that situation is to set him free? I don't blame her for wanting out of the relationship if that's what she needed, but she can't have found him that irritating if she was still choosing to stay married to him.

And yes, I totally get that she might not want to be without her children for half the week, but if she couldn't even be arsed to put on a pretence of liking her husband, what on earth would that be teaching the kids about healthy relationships?

As far as I'm concerned, it was completely her prerogative to decide that she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with the OP, but at the point she made that decision, she should have stopped depending on him financially and started to initiate some sort of separation - even if they had stayed living together for the sake of the children in the short term. Instead, she chose to live as if they were separated while taking his money as if they were together.

LakeSnake · 21/05/2024 17:04

but based on what the OP has posted here, I think the practical side of things will be less challenging for him than they are for many single parents because he is already doing far more than his fair share anyway.

Isn’t that what most mothers do anyway?? So why is it going to be less challenging for him?

He already has an established career and he is very used to juggling childcare responsibilities and housework around that.

Again isn’t that what most working mothers do?
Plus he isn’t used to juggling childcare. I’m sure that if there is an emergency, his dwife has stepped up each time. He won’t have stayed at home looking after the dcs when they are ill!! He hasn’t needed childcare (afterschool/nursery/holiday clubs)

not having anyone to share the emotional challenges of parenting with, but the OP doesn't have that kind of relationship with his wife anyway.

So most mothers get to share the emotional challenges with their dh and when they get divorced they loose that? News to me.

You are minimising the struggles of being a single parent.
It’s like the fact that the OP is a man and does more than the average father will make him immune to the struggles of being a single parent.
Even though single mothers who are also fitting all the tick boxes you mentioned don’t get immune and struggle.

Come on be fair.
Being a single parent isn’t a walk in the park for ANY parent. And working mothers find that a challenge. So don’t come and tell us (and more importantly the OP) it’s going to somehow be easier for him. It won’t.

Medschoolmum · 21/05/2024 17:21

LakeSnake · 21/05/2024 17:04

but based on what the OP has posted here, I think the practical side of things will be less challenging for him than they are for many single parents because he is already doing far more than his fair share anyway.

Isn’t that what most mothers do anyway?? So why is it going to be less challenging for him?

He already has an established career and he is very used to juggling childcare responsibilities and housework around that.

Again isn’t that what most working mothers do?
Plus he isn’t used to juggling childcare. I’m sure that if there is an emergency, his dwife has stepped up each time. He won’t have stayed at home looking after the dcs when they are ill!! He hasn’t needed childcare (afterschool/nursery/holiday clubs)

not having anyone to share the emotional challenges of parenting with, but the OP doesn't have that kind of relationship with his wife anyway.

So most mothers get to share the emotional challenges with their dh and when they get divorced they loose that? News to me.

You are minimising the struggles of being a single parent.
It’s like the fact that the OP is a man and does more than the average father will make him immune to the struggles of being a single parent.
Even though single mothers who are also fitting all the tick boxes you mentioned don’t get immune and struggle.

Come on be fair.
Being a single parent isn’t a walk in the park for ANY parent. And working mothers find that a challenge. So don’t come and tell us (and more importantly the OP) it’s going to somehow be easier for him. It won’t.

Edited

It is what many mothers do, yes, and in the cases that I've seen where couples have split, mothers who have already been working full time while carrying the bulk of the domestic load before the split tend to make the transition to single parenthood very easily because they are used to doing so much anyway. Indeed, amongst the people I know in this situation, losing the partner has made life easier for them, not harder.

I think it's a much bigger adjustment for mothers and fathers who have been in more equal relationships where the load is split 50/50. Whether that is couples that both WOH and split household/childcare tasks equally between them or whether they have gone for a division of labour with one WOHP earning the money and one SAHP managing the household and caring for the children. In both scenarios, splitting up means doing more.

And yes, you're right that the OP will need to cover sick days in his half of the week, which he doesn't have to do at present. But lots of WOHPs cover half of the sick days as a matter of routine so I'm sure he will adapt as most parents do. It really isn't that big a deal.

Again, I'm not trying to minimise what single parents have to cope with. I'm just saying that the OP isn't really getting many of the benefits of parenting in a couple right now anyway.

kkloo · 21/05/2024 17:41

Medschoolmum · 21/05/2024 16:49

No, I agree that you can't always control how you feel (though I personally would at least give couples therapy a go before walking away from my marriage because I did take my marriage vows seriously). But fair enough if she wasn't happy and was convinced that she couldn't ever be happy with the OP.

But surely the only fair thing to do in that situation is to set him free? I don't blame her for wanting out of the relationship if that's what she needed, but she can't have found him that irritating if she was still choosing to stay married to him.

And yes, I totally get that she might not want to be without her children for half the week, but if she couldn't even be arsed to put on a pretence of liking her husband, what on earth would that be teaching the kids about healthy relationships?

As far as I'm concerned, it was completely her prerogative to decide that she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with the OP, but at the point she made that decision, she should have stopped depending on him financially and started to initiate some sort of separation - even if they had stayed living together for the sake of the children in the short term. Instead, she chose to live as if they were separated while taking his money as if they were together.

Show quote history

There's always this notion of 'setting someone free' but that doesn't tend to be how most adult relationships end.

They tend to end because the unhappiest one eventually ends it.....sometimes that does end up being the one who fell out of love in the first place because the situation ends up more intolerable for them at the end than it was for the other person.

If my partner fell out of love with me I certainly wouldn't be waiting around for him to 'set me free'.

I think she could have found him that irritating and chose to stay, loads of people do until they can't anymore. Many people are unhappy for years before it gets to the point that they can't take it anymore.

I don't think she was teaching her kids anything good about healthy relationships.

Conniebygaslight · 21/05/2024 17:57

Swimmingtosurvive · 21/05/2024 12:31

Thank you to everyone for the comments as usual. I'm excited about the future given the advice I've got here and elsewhere. I totally understand some of the negative comments and feel I should respond so that some things become clearer.

I also want to say that the lack of sex is not a deal breaker. Sorry if I made it sou this way. I could quite happily stay in a sexless relationship if everything else was fine and there was some level of emotional connection. However, all is not fine and everything else is taking its toll on my wellbeing - this is why I came on here to get another perspective. I also get that I will have made mistakes and contributed to the situation.

@LakeSnake Yes the plan involves the children. I do not want to share details here as nothing is finalized and won't be for a while. My priority is to make sure I have the finances and means to put a roof over their heads. I'm getting some good advice from professionals and have started the process of switching work hours.

@FiveZoo I do understand your points and see why you have posted. To clarify a few things. Youngest child is 5 and about to turn 6 (June birthday), so has been in school for two years.

With regards to the 50/50 split. I will outline my usual duties in the house which I have alluded to here before. Every day I am up first the empty dishwasher, prepare packed lunches and other small chores like putting the bins out. Then wake up the kids, get breakfast and get them ready for school - with the exception of hair brushing for daughter because she likes the way mummy does it. After work I come home and either play with the kids or do some club runs depending on the day of the week, before preparing dinner often with kids helping. Then it is the bedtime routine of bath, teeth and bedtime story. Back downstairs to tidy the kitchen and load the dish washer. There's 2/3 dog walks as well to fit in. Weekends are a bit different as that's when the bulk of housework gets done e.g. bathroom cleaning, hoovering, gardening etc. On days when I am out in the evening, I add the kitchen tidying into my morning routine. So that may not be a complete 50/50 split in parenting due to work, but I do feel that I am pulling my weight.

Crikey, what does your wife do while you’re doing all of that with your DC before & after work?

Original poster
Swimmingtosurvive · 21/05/2024 20:33

For the sake of being fair and transparent, here is my wife's typical day.Im not trying to start a smear campaign against her.

Get up - breakfast, any school admin (letters to sign etc), feed dog, sort load of washing, school run followed by either gym/art/volunteering/meet with friends - this we agreed so that she is around evenings for my football or other evenings out I get first choice because I've been at work. This way we both get guaranteed socializing each week.

Back at home to hang out washing, iron and other chores/household admin - e.g. birthday coming up so organizing invitations, party bags etc.

Once a week there's weekly grocery shop which takes a while afternoon as we're half an hour from nearest supermarket. Anything like cars needing servicing or organizing trades people falls to her.

Then after school pick up followed by clubs and homework including reading each day.

OP posts:
livelovelough24 · 21/05/2024 20:43

I know it is hard to gauge how much work that is even though you gave us really good idea @Swimmingtosurvive but to be honest with you, I would say you do a lot. Both my self and my exh always worked full time and I thought he did more then an average man, but I can tell you it was not half of what you were doing, no, not even close actually.

All of this is beside the point. You love your wife and want to have a life with her, and she does not seem to love you, but seem to want to continue living with you anyway. It is up to you to decide if this arrangement (and I am fully aware that this is how many couples stay married), will work for you or not.

From personal experience I can tell you, no matter how hard it will be to be single dad, it will be much better then living with someone who does not love you they way you need to be loved.

Original poster
Swimmingtosurvive · 21/05/2024 21:19

And also I'm under no illusion that being a single parent will be difficult. There will be a lot to consider, especially to make sure that the kids are happy and will thrive under the new situation. I'm determined to make that happen and I'm sure me and my wife will come to an arrangement. If it means changing jobs or cutting down on spending for socializing, buying things and branded items then so be it. They and getting myself into a better state are my focus.

OP posts:
wellington77 · 21/05/2024 21:23

Oh gosh I feel for you on this. Basically you have a couple of choices, either you ask again for couples therapy, if she says no , you stay with her . But you need to ask yourself can you live the rest of your life like that, or option B which personally I think in the king run is a healthier choice for everyone including the kids I’d to say to your wife that either you do couples therapy or it’s divorce time, if she still refuses, clearly she’s completely checked out and there’s your answer

Mostlycarbon · 22/05/2024 15:08

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/05/2024 14:54

Gym and friends and art classes. She's in for a shock going forward.

Show quote history

Right?!

Tittyfilarious · 31/05/2024 17:46

@Swimmingtosurvive How are things now op ?

StripyShirt · 31/05/2024 21:53

Your relationship will never be right. The only decision to make is whether to stay to enjoy your children and then leave, or leave sooner to make a new life.

I was deeply unhappy with our relationship and lack of intimacy for years, and my partner refused to discuss things or entertain any chance of change. I ended up having a short affair when our child left home, which resulted in the relationship ending several years later.

I have no regrets at all about staying for family life and my relationship with our son, but I do regret having the fling and not leaving the moment he became independent.

FiveZoo · 01/06/2024 12:58

Women do not stop having sex with men unless there is a reason.

If you love, honour and cherish your wife then sexual relations will continue, for the men that have experienced lack of intimacy the reasons will be there. You now have the unfortunate sitation of either trying to repair the unrepairable or moving on.

In many cases the behaviour which ended your previous relationship's sexual side will eventually show up in the next, even if you left due to wanting a newer model and an easier visual effect.

Shallow people trying to make sense of what's important and getting it wrong.

Just letting you know as many behave the same as you and wont learn until it's too late.

I should imagine your wife has a depth to her that you can't even comprehend.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 01/06/2024 16:30

You've read all of OPS updates haven't you. Five? ...

BMW6 · 01/06/2024 17:00

Bloody hell FiveZoo you are absolutely determined to find someone way to blame every man in every scenario aren't you!

Of course some women stop wanting physical relations with husbands/wives/partners!

You can stop loving the person so don't want intimacy! But when that happens you should be honest and end the relationship properly so both of you have a chance of a better relationship in future.

For all you know the OP is entirely blameless - maybe his wife is a closet lesbian, maybe she's got a lover, maybe she has become Asexual post menopause.

It sounds to me like she's using the OP for the ££££ but has totally checked out of the relationship. That's not the behaviour of a decent person.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/06/2024 17:15

Op you deserve a nice life too and your wife has made it clear she's no longer interested in sharing hers with you. I wish you both the best.

BeRealOrca · 01/06/2024 17:24

OP, please ignore FiveZoo. I've never read such drivel in my life. The poster is obviously sexist and a man hater.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 01/06/2024 17:46

Also writes oddly like AI Confused

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/06/2024 18:29

Oh God just ignore @FiveZoo. Absolutely determined to blame the OP regardless. A man hater who can't accept women get things wrong too. Don't give any further oxygen.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/06/2024 18:32

@FiveZoo

Here, read this thread. Maybe you can find a way to make the OP's behaviour the fault of her husband? Because men are ALWAYS wrong. Right?

To want to concentrate on family time http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5085601-to-want-to-concentrate-on-family-time