To want to concentrate on family time

[RunningAhead]

I love being a mum. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I completely adore my children. My DH is a wonderful father and he also adores the children.

We regularly have trips out as a family. Probably every weekend we go to a beach, a park or local attraction. These are the best times for me. Everything feels great when we're all together and I want to put all my effort into these times and being a mum.

My DH says I'm neglecting our relationship. I admit things are not great when the kids aren't around. He wants to be closer again and go on date nights but I have no interest at all in spending time as a couple.

I see him more as a friend and I'd rather put my focus into family time. AIBU?

I'm fine with things are and to provide a healthy family unit for the kids.

I don't think this thread is completely genuine tbh because the OP is being too deliberately obtuse. But if by some small chance you are, you don't have a healthy family unit. Your husband resents you, he will continue to resent you, and it will eventually show, probably already is, your kids will pick up on it, kids know, they just do. And you're modelling a really unhealthy relationship to them. It'll end in tears. Whether that's tomorrow, or 20 years from now, and it likely won't just be yours.

You are naive and foolish. Think hard about what it looks like when he leaves, as that’s what he should do if you can’t work on the relationship. And it’s very naive to think he won’t do exactly that in a few years. Is that not worth some regular dates and trying to rediscover what made you choose this man as your husband and your children’s father?

Your husband is your family. You need to invest in your relationship with him as well. He is clearly missing you and wanting to reconnect. It's so easy to get sucked into looking after children and prioritising them, but it is so important to invest in your marriage as well. A loveless marriage can have a massive impact on your children.

“You have no interest in spending time as a couple”

I hope you haven’t said that to him because that would be so painful to hear.

You have to remember that before your children came along it was you and him together as a partnership and team in life. If you choose to neglect that relationship and not work on it, it will end. Simple as.

I don't think he would leave because he loves the kids too much.

I thought this. We'd been married 25 years and I also put most of my energies into the kids, presuming that we'd have more time for each other when they left home.

Last year I found out he'd been having an affair. If you'd lined up the husbands amongst our friends, everyone would have put mine as the least likely. After a year of shall we get back together he called time and I'm heartbroken.

He said he'd never have left me when the kids were younger as he also loves them a lot but at 16 and 19, that was no longer enough. So my advice would be not to be complacent and let the fire die out so it can't be rekindled. Sorry, I know it's a depressing story but it's a view from the other side!

@RunningAhead. “I don't think he would leave because he loves the kids too much. I don't want to end the relationship because I'm fine with things are and to provide a healthy family unit for the kids.”

You’re living in a fools paradise if you think he won’t one day leave. Stick your head in the sand and continue to tell yourself that you don’t need to work on your relationship (which was what you had before the children even existed) and he will one day feel so rejected, unloved and miserable that he will walk out the door.

That's great but children grow up and once they are teens then it'll be just the two of you. I would advise you take time as a couple otherwise there will be problems down the line. You can do both, even day dates.

I don't think this thread is completely genuine tbh because the OP is being too deliberately obtuse.

I'm coming round to this, too.

Oh is this fake as I wish I hadn't commented then 😂

YABU.

It sounds pretty sad, tbh.

You can't expect your husband to remain married to someone who doesn't want to spend any time alone with him or invest in the marriage.

Do you even love him or were you just after someone to have children with?

You're spending all this time and energy on making memories with your kids but the most likely outcome is that your marriage will fail and then your children will look back on all of that and feel devastated that it is all over and maybe even feel their whole childhood was a lie.

If you want to stay married to your husband you need to put some effort into your relationship with him, not just the children.

OP even if you’re struggling to connect at the moment you should listen to him as a priority as he is clearly saying he needs that? If he feels you don’t love him anymore and comes across someone he connects with, you could well be looking at 50/50 custody and no traditional family.

How are you going to cope if God forbid something challenging hits your family like illness, or even the ‘normal’ horrible things that we all might have to deal with like parents getting elderly and needing support, difficult teenage years for your kids? My DH and I definitely had more rows about these sort of things as they are hugely stressful but we are hopefully connected enough to weather those storms.

You don’t say how old your kids are, I totally get when they’re little that you can feel touched out or overwhelmed but I think you need to communicate that. You seem to be saying you’re happy to end the marriage in any romantic sense and if that is really the case you need to be honest with DH.

OP I understand how you feel. I've felt the same in the past. I felt like I gave absolutely everything to the kids, to family time, that I had nothing left to give. I didn't mind because this is what I wanted. However, you have to nurture your relationship too.
In response to PP above, it's not even about when the kids leave home. They develop their own lives well before that! Do you think they'll always want to be hanging out with mummy? Basically from year 6 my DD's life has been all about her friends. The only time she wants to spend time with me is if I'm buying her clothes! And even then she'd much rather I give her money and she goes shopping with her friends.
DH and I are spending much more time together than we did when the kids were little.
You can't neglect your relationship. You could end up single, only seeing the kids 50 % of the time.

You're going to lose your perfect little family if you go on like this. It's not fair at all.

Your H posted on here a week or two ago. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5073917-wife-no-longer-interested-since-kids-advice?page=21

I didn't believe that thread either tbh.

I don't want to end the relationship because I'm fine with things are and to provide a healthy family unit for the kids.

Well your husband is not fine with how things are. Why do you only think it's you who can decide to end the marriage or not? You've as good as told him he's served his purpose and you aren't interested in any relationship except co-parenting (I'm sure the money he brings in is handy too). He will be hurt, neglected and may well decide to end the marriage himself and spend "family time" with the kids separately. Or over time with his new partner too. Have you thought about that?

I'm assuming this is real though the OP sounds so far removed from reality I do wonder if it's actually a reverse by the husband, particularly as the OP is very complimentary about him ...

You can still be a parent without being in a relationship.

But you cannot be in a relationship when there isn’t one.

People do stay in relationships for the kids but it never lasts.

Sooner or later he’s going to decide that there is no relationship and therefore there it is time to leave.

If he leaves, he will still see his kids but he’ll also get to have a relationship or just not be in a fake one (which everyone deserves).

You need to decide whether you want to keep the family together and therefore work on your relationship and make it better.

Or if you’re ok with him leaving and sharing custody.

You cannot have your cake and eat it too.
Right now you still have a chance to try and fix things and continue having the family together.
But if it carries on then you won’t have that chance anymore.

provide a healthy family unit for the kids.

I can't see the healthy family unit in this situation. Healthy families care about each other and try and meet their needs where possible. You are openly not meeting your OH's needs and see no reason to bother to. That is not healthy, nor is it a good example to your children.

You’re either incredibly unreasonable or incredibly naive.

He wants to be your husband, not your friend and co-parent, for all the reasons other posters have mentioned.

Please know that while you’re choosing to ‘just enjoy your time as a family’, you’re putting that very important thing at risk.

I'm fine with things are and to provide a healthy family unit for the kids.

You may be fine but he’s not. You’re living on borrowed time here OP. He has decided that this isn’t enough for him and at some point sooner or later he is going to leave.

A relationship that is purely based on child-rearing has a limited shelf life.

If you have decided you no longer want to be with him that’s fine: take steps to build an independent life. Plenty of people do this and go on to have great lives. I raised my DD alone because I didn’t want to be married and I was very happy with my decision.

What you can’t do is expect him to take the same stance as you that the children are enough and force him to take the same stance. He is a different person from you and he is entitled to want a life that isn’t entirely circumscribed by children. You say yourself he’s a great father but he clearly wants a life and a marriage that goes beyond that. If you can’t or won’t give him that he will seek it elsewhere.

You are figuratively sticking your fingers in your ears about the health of your marriage and hoping it will go away. It won’t; it’s time to decide what is more important to you. If keeping the family together is the priority and you don’t want to be independent you need to make some concessions to your husband’s needs.

He is telling you that he is not happy and that the status quo isn't working for him.

You can choose to ignore that and focus on what you want, but you need to accept that the potential consequences of that may be that he will choose to leave the relationship. And that may also result in you losing your kids for 50% of the time.

Of course, he might decide to stay and suck it up, but I think it's more likely that he will realise that he doesn't have to live like this.

Would you be happy to be a single parent with your kids for half the week, if that's what it came to? If so, then by all means, stand your ground and say that nothing is going to change. If you'd rather not end up in that situation, it might be time to start making a bit more of an effort.

This. He’s a sperm donor attached to a bank account. Poor bloke, I hope he escapes soon.

What you describe isn’t a healthy family unit. You are being exceptionally unfair on your husband, his feelings seem to count for nothing.

This, it’s so tragic.

Poor bloke. Stop obsessing about family time and give the man some love and attention. Sounds like you have a good one there, don’t lose him.

End of that marriage then. Good luck with 50 / 50 access.