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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to concentrate on family time

197 replies

RunningAhead · 30/05/2024 05:09

I love being a mum. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I completely adore my children. My DH is a wonderful father and he also adores the children.

We regularly have trips out as a family. Probably every weekend we go to a beach, a park or local attraction. These are the best times for me. Everything feels great when we're all together and I want to put all my effort into these times and being a mum.

My DH says I'm neglecting our relationship. I admit things are not great when the kids aren't around. He wants to be closer again and go on date nights but I have no interest at all in spending time as a couple.

I see him more as a friend and I'd rather put my focus into family time. AIBU?

OP posts:
wizarddry · 30/05/2024 05:27

What's your plan when the kids leave home?

Sirzy · 30/05/2024 05:29

So you know things aren’t great but you’re not willing to put any effort in to sorting things? Do you actually want to relationship to last?

mondaytosunday · 30/05/2024 05:31

Yes you are. If you don't put effort into your relationship with your partner then it will peter out til you are not even friends but acquaintances, and that is not what marriage is. Have you totally lost the spark? You can't remember and want to rekindle romantic feelings for him? I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage without romantic love.
You can focus on your kids but also your husband, date nights are a great way of doing this - can't you even spend one evening away from your kids every week or do?

InSpainTheRain · 30/05/2024 05:31

What's your plan when he gets fed up and leaves for someone else? Your marriage needs to be worked on to keep a solid relationship for you both.

LiterallyOnFire · 30/05/2024 05:32

Everything feels great when we're all together

Does that "all" include your DH?

You know this whole story sounds like a divorce about to happen? Do you want to divorce and then coparent?

thanKyouaIMee · 30/05/2024 05:33

I mean YABU to see him as a friend and expect him to be happy with it - how can it be "family time" if you're not in a proper relationship with him?

You'll get much less family time if you neglect the relationship to the point he leaves 🤷🏻‍♀️

SpringerFall · 30/05/2024 05:34

So he has provided your children so his services are no longer required?

YellowHairband · 30/05/2024 05:36

It doesn't sound like your DH even wants to stop the family time, just have some date nights as well? If my husband said that he had no interest at all in spending time just with me, I'd assume our marriage was over.

Marblessolveeverything · 30/05/2024 05:37

If you want to retain your family unit you have to listen to what your husband is saying.

Very few people are going to stay in what is expected to be a romantic sexual relationship as friends.

if you no longer are in that relationship and it isn't fixable, you need to tell him. It isn't fair to treat a partner as a friend.

Orangeandgold · 30/05/2024 05:39

Ummm surely your partner is your family too. Sounds like you are using family time as an excuse to spend less time with him. Have you thought about why? Are there unresolved issues in your relationship?

If you keep pushing him away, you might break your family.

Yes children don’t stay young forever, and neither do we. I don’t understand why people think that a few hours on a date night or making sure the kids are asleep early on weekdays to spend time with your partner, will rob your children if their childhood. It wont x

MinnieMountain · 30/05/2024 06:14

What’s your long term plan OP? Do you expect your DH to stay in a loveless marriage?

ZekeZeke · 30/05/2024 06:25

My DH says I'm neglecting our relationship. I admit things are not great when the kids aren't around

Your DH has told you how she feels. What are you doing about it?
When you say not great - what exactly do you mean?
Kids grow up and leave, if you dont have a solid loving relationship with your DH he might look elsewhere!

Jenepeuxpasdiscuteravecdesstupides · 30/05/2024 06:27

You are being v unreasonable. He contributed to the making of the children, but he also chose to marry you, assuming you would be a couple.
Now you are no longer interested in him; he's donated the sperm, you have what you want.
Why should someone you now have no interest in, except as a friend, parent, contribute to bills, help with housework, and keep you in a life you've decided they have no place in?

LameBorzoi · 30/05/2024 06:28

If you want to stay in a long term relationship, you need to put effort into it. You'll get a lot less family time if you separate!

LumiB · 30/05/2024 06:31

Well as you said it you see him as a friend your marriage is over because he doesn't want a friend so tell him how you feel and let him decide but I doubt he will will want to stay.

Pickled21 · 30/05/2024 06:32

You can feel however you want but yabu to expect friendship to be enough for him when you are married. Marriage.or a relationship in general requires time and effort.

We have young kids and work around each other so don't do date nights without the kids. Ours are in bed by 8pm and that's when phones are out away and we focus on each other. That doesn't mean we don't get time during the day, it's the little things like making tea for each other, being affectionate, showing the other person that they are valued.

You can make time for each other but you are choosing not too.

AGlinnerOfHope · 30/05/2024 06:37

This can be a lovely time in your life, and it's good you enjoy it.

Don't neglect your husband. He's your best chance at giving your children a great life and family.

Don't forget your relationship with your husband can and perhaps should be longer than that with your dc. He was there before them, and could be after they grow up and leave home.

Your DC need you to have relationships and a life beyond them. They need to grow up and move out.

The day will and should come when they don't want you around.

muddyford · 30/05/2024 06:41

My parents have been married over sixty years. Throughout our childhood, my siblings and I knew their relationship was the primary one, which gave us the most amazing security. Your DH is right.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/05/2024 06:46

OP the way you write about your husband is quite odd: you say on the one hand he is a wonderful husband and father but you go on to say you have no interest in spending time with him one on one. Which is it?

You seem to perceive him purely in the role of “father” and not as “husband”. As if you think the point of a partner is to facilitate and then provide for, children. Most people don’t see it that way, do you realise that? Most people want there to be some connection with their spouse other than parenting children. Sometimes this is hard and goes off the boil due to the stress of family life but for most people the aspiration is there.

If your husband no longer gives you what you want and you don’t love him it’s a perfectly reasonable perspective but it’s not really a functional marriage. A good marriage is more than just two people bringing up children.

If you don’t love him romantically or sexually at all you have to separate. You can’t have it both ways.

Overthebow · 30/05/2024 06:46

So what happens if your DH leaves as you’re just friends and he wants a relationship? You won’t be getting any family time with all of you then. You need to put some effort in with your DH as he obviously isn’t happy with the situation.

greenmario · 30/05/2024 06:48

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ByCupidStunt · 30/05/2024 06:56

It wouldn't hurt to make your DH the sole focus of your attention one night a week would it?

xyz111 · 30/05/2024 06:57

YABU. I assume you're looking for divorce from him?

Revelatio · 30/05/2024 06:57

Sounds like you have fallen out of love with your husband. Most people don’t have make a conscious decision to ‘put all their efforts into family time’. It’s just hanging out with your husband and children which should be effortless. If you feel you have to put on a big performance just to go to the beach with your husband and children then something is obviously wrong.

Talk to him about how you feel, see if you want to do counselling or if you think it’s completely over talk about how best to split up. You will only see the children half the time, but hopefully this will mean you won’t have to put in a big effort and can relax around your children without your husband around.

Tel12 · 30/05/2024 07:00

If you want to be a single parent that's the way to do it.

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