To want to concentrate on family time

[RunningAhead]

I love being a mum. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I completely adore my children. My DH is a wonderful father and he also adores the children.

We regularly have trips out as a family. Probably every weekend we go to a beach, a park or local attraction. These are the best times for me. Everything feels great when we're all together and I want to put all my effort into these times and being a mum.

My DH says I'm neglecting our relationship. I admit things are not great when the kids aren't around. He wants to be closer again and go on date nights but I have no interest at all in spending time as a couple.

I see him more as a friend and I'd rather put my focus into family time. AIBU?

You seem incredibly self absorbed, emotionally immature and lacking in empathy OP. Your assumption that your partner would be willing or able to continue on the terms you've just given him was very naive. You've relied heavily on being able to ignore the spirit of your marriage vows because you believe he will keep them. But what you have told him reveals that as far as you're concerned, this isn't a marriage. He will either realise then that he doesn't have to stay and flog a dead horse, or he will emotionally withdraw to match your lack of compassion and emotional commitment. I think it will become toxic if he stays and I hope he does leave. This is no way to live.

@Thepeopleversuswork

Yeah but now she has told him that any affection she shows him is basically her faking it. He’s going to really struggle to trust her after that isnt he?

Oh, I totally agree with this!

But this is a problem entirely of her making. Not something that has happened between them or for both of them.

In his shoes, this would have killed any feelings I had altogether

But, until this point, he clearly did love her and wanted the relationship to work.

Sad really. But she's not the first to make this mistake and she won't he the last.

Speak for yourself, married 34 years no children it's still very much a romantic and sexual relationship.

It's one thing if a relationship becomes aromantic and sexless by mutual consent but that is not what is happening here.

This. You’ve just killed your marriage @RunningAhead. My bloke’s first marriage died when his ex told him she saw him like her brother. He moved out a couple of months later.

I did speak for myself....
As I said, for myself I cannot imagine your situation.
Everyone is different.

Seems selfish, mainly immature.
Extremely immature.

Fine if you’re both ok with it @GingerPirate , but OP’s DH clearly isn’t.

So you basically chose a poor unsuspecting man (a decent one by the sounds of it) to essentially become a sperm donor and you don't see anything wrong with it?

Poor bloke.

💐🍺 (for him)

So cruel OP. Think you don't understand the true meaning of marriage and partnership. How old are your kids? If you have 2 under 2, things will improve soon but still you need to put the work in it.

Yep just let him go so he can find a woman who can truly love HIM.

You just told your husband you friend zoned him then tried to make a move and are shocked when he declined.

You haven’t learnt anything from what everyone was telling you. Poor chap.

I see him more as a friend.

Poor guy, does he know this is how you feel? I think he needs to leave so he can be happy. Don't you feel selfish?

Separated parents can co-parent well, you don't have to be together to give your children happy lives.

For the sake of the children?

You really don't get it.

When he understandably walks out, your family unit will be shattered. The warning signs are there so it will be entirely your fault if you choose to not work on this for the sake of your marriage, not your kids.

What does?
Wanting/needing/expecting my DH to love me and actually want to spend time with me in order to remain married?
What an odd creature you are.
Apologies in advance if I misunderstood your comment.

No.
Sorry if not clear, I meant the OP's attitude.
And if you met me, you wouldn't think I was
a weird creature! 😁

You are aware that the family time as you currently know it will be over if your husband decides that he can’t tolerate living the way you want him to ? That he could have 50/50 care of your children ?

I think she probably does. The mistake she made was in her confidence that he would never leave because of the children.

And many don't. Until they do.

In his shoes, the entire dynamic of the relationship would have changed in my head.

She has already said that, as they spoke, she saw what she fell in love with. I don't think she realises that, if she had already been invested in her primary relationship, she'd have seen this along.

And if he stops making all the efforts he's been making until now, she's going to really feel the lack of them.

She's got a rough ride ahead, I think.

And where is the op.....???

Having family time 😆

With a friend. I didn't want a constantly post here.

I know Ove completely messed up and got myself into a bigger whole with what I said to him the other day. I wasn't trying to make it about me.

DH went out last night unexpectedly saying he didn't want to be around me. Don't know where he went and he wasn't answering his phone. So I asked a friend round. She's calmed me down but I don't know where to go from here really.

Thank you to everyone who has given there advice on here and sorry for coming across so ignorant. I've let things get too bad and lost sight of important things.

Well what did you expect if you tell someone something so hurtful, you blindly thought they would wany to stay as if. I know someone else who did that wasn't sure if they loved their husband anymore told them and then the moment he started to think if it was worth staying suddenly realised she didn't want to lose him but too late they muddled through another 2yrs but are now divorcing.

That kind of hurt is hard ro move on from.

I don't believe you are genuine in your realisation, I think now he has said that you realise shit he really could leave and you will lose ur funded lifestyle. After all you were so adamant he wouldn't dare leave and now his behaviour is showing how wrong you are.