To want to concentrate on family time

[RunningAhead]

I love being a mum. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I completely adore my children. My DH is a wonderful father and he also adores the children.

We regularly have trips out as a family. Probably every weekend we go to a beach, a park or local attraction. These are the best times for me. Everything feels great when we're all together and I want to put all my effort into these times and being a mum.

My DH says I'm neglecting our relationship. I admit things are not great when the kids aren't around. He wants to be closer again and go on date nights but I have no interest at all in spending time as a couple.

I see him more as a friend and I'd rather put my focus into family time. AIBU?

Yes, you are right.
We have no kids and it works, I don't think under our circumstances either of us are trapped.
But I have heard many times, once (small) kids are around, it becomes difficult for the couple.
Or, when adult kids leave home, it's kinda finished...😐

@GingerPirate

We have no kids and it works, I don't think under our circumstances either of us are trapped.
But I have heard many times, once (small) kids are around, it becomes difficult for the couple.
Or, when adult kids leave home, it's kinda finished...😐

Plenty of relationships become unsustainable when children come into the picture. Life becomes endless drudgery and stress and people forget what they first saw in one another. Sometimes it can’t be rescued, however much nurturing takes place. That’s life.

But the honest and ethical thing to do in these circumstances is to find a workable way to separate amicably and coparent while allowing the individuals concerned to fulfill their needs independently. Instead of what the OP is insisting her husband does, which is to prop up this kind of Disney “happy families” wish fulfilment straight out of the 1950s. Presumably because she is financially comfortable and doesn’t want the stress of changing the status quo.

Having fear and trepidation about leaving is understandable but this coercion of the DH into this fantasy life indefinitely at the expense of his own needs is deeply cynical and selfish.

I think I've had my head in the sand a bit too much. I read all of the comments here and had the courage to speak to DH.

I told him that I didn't feel interested in spending time with him for some reason and that I see him as a friend. I told him how I now realise that this isn't his fault and I don't know why I'm feeling this way. How if he needs more time together for the sake of the children and the family then I will work to do that. All the time he sat and really listened. I saw that he got my internal struggle and seemed to be with me in the moment. I started to remember why I first fell in love with him and realized it was.me creating this tension between us.

At that moment I just wanted him back. I made a move for him but he pushed me away. He said that what I had told him had hurt him beyond belief and that he needed time to process it. And then he said he didn't know if my move on him was genuine or just forced to make him feel good. I was not expecting that and don't know how to deal with it.

I think it’s good that you opened the lines of communication with him, but I’m not at all surprised he was hurt by the way you handled it. Saying you’re not interested in spending time with him but you’ll “work” to do so for the sake of the children? That makes it sound as though being with him is an unpleasant chore you’re forcing yourself to do because you think it will somehow benefit your children. Surely you can’t be surprised that he was shocked and hurt?

I don’t know what you mean when you say you “made a move for/on him.” Did you try to hug him or reach for his hand or something? Again I understand why he would reject physical contact after you dropped such a huge (and insensitive) bombshell.

Ouch.

You made the conversation all about you, again.

Your lack of empathy comes across in every post. You've not considered his feelings at all since the children arrived, and you didn't consider his feelings in choosing your words when you had the conversation. You told him you had no interest in him romantically or sexually, without thinking how much that would hurt him. Anyone would be devastated to hear that. And to hear that the partner you love and desire naturally needs to 'work hard' to feel the same?

You seem to completely lack the imagination to have empathy, and to recognise how it feels to be told that. You could have put this so much better.

I can only suggest that you have couples counselling.

How if he needs more time together for the sake of the children and the family then I will work to do that

He needs time together for HIS sake! Again, you are not recognising his needs and his feelings AT ALL. And you are only prepared to work on the relationship for the children's sake.

It's like every word was a dagger through his heart.

Wow. Well done for broaching it but, if someone I was in a relationship said that to me, the relationship would be over.

I might not leave immediately but it would he over.

I'm not surprised he reacted as he did.

He's been operating under the illusion that you both love each other and he was trying to keep.the relationship on track despite the pressures of young children, which is why he was arranging date nights and talking to you about it.

It's clear (despite 6+ pages.of derailed warnings) that you weren't expecting this. So what were you expecting? Gratitude that you'd 'work' on it?

You've completely disregarded him as a person.

Well done OP for facing up to this and opening a line of communication.

As a PP said though it’s all very much focused on what you need at the moment. I think you are going to need to accept that it’s going to hurt him and will take him time to process this.

Maybe separation is the best option over time. You clearly don’t love each other in the way a marriage needs love and staying together through gritted teeth is not going to make either of you happy. Maybe time to work on moving into a new phase and coparenting amicably.

You clearly don’t love each other in the way a marriage needs love and staying together through gritted teeth is not going to make either of you happy.

I disagree in part.

I think it's very clear that he does love her in the way a marriage needs. She just doesn't reciprocate and expected him to be ok woth that. For the sake of the children/family unit.

But I do agree that neither of them is going to be happy together now.

OP, he'll now know that every small gesture you make is you 'working on it'. That will be utterly soul destroying for him.

He'll never know what is genuine and what isn't.

You might well find he withdraws completely from you now as a means of self protection.

I don't think you've given any consideration to him or how he feels at all.

YABU. Your marriage will not last if you go on like this. But perhaps you don’t want it to. Do you feel that your DH has served his purpose now you’ve got the children?

Wow! Sounds like your not so DH has a healthy sense of self worth. Good for him. You may have to start preparing for separated co-parenting if you carry on like this.

“All the time he sat and really listened. I saw that he got my internal struggle and seemed to be with me in the moment. I started to remember why I first fell in love with him and realized it was.me creating this tension between us.

At that moment I just wanted him back.”

@RunningAhead this bit says, it’s not necessarily all lost. You may be able to recover this.

You need to apologise, to explain you had totally lost perspective about yourself as well as him as individuals, and had just become a mother.

Tell him you suddenly realised what you were accidentally doing and regret it badly.

That you won’t need to work at loving him, of course you love him, you need to work at remembering yourself as a wife and woman, as well as a mum. Then you can be his wife properly again.

That he’s wonderful and kind a patient- that you are amazed by his persistence as a husband, as well as being a great dad.

Obviously only if the above is true. he sounds amazing. Let’s hope he can recover from this.

You’ve been absorbed in your mother role to the point you have forgotten everything else.

I thought the same!

I don't think I could come back from this if it were me. He's deeply hurt and what you've said to him is pretty cruel isn't it? I think you're deluded if you think that this is what a happy family unit looks like. Speak to anybody whose parents lived like this and they will tell you how miserable it was during their childhood.

I would suggest some couples therapy so that he knows you are serious about saving your relationship. It may or may not work but at least you can say you tried. However, don't assume he won't leave or will seek love elsewhere. It's not normal to live like this.

Your poor bloody husband.....how, after all this, have you been able to still make it all about you???
If I was him, I'd never be able to look at you the same again as I'd never be able to trust you and trust in the love I thought we had. You've shattered that, and I still don't think you realise just how devastating your words have been because you're still bleating on about how you feel.
If he was my friend talking to me about this situation, I'd be telling him to leave and find someone who appreciates him in the way he deserves, not who just sees him as a provider....

Honestly have you ever loved him romantically? Or did you marry him as he was ‘ a safe bet’ and a ‘good provider.’
Your situation seems pretty common in my experience. I know plenty of women who married for the wrong reasons and are now focused on their children only. It works if the husband doesn’t prioritise the marriage either.
However your husband clearly does prioritise your marriage and he deserves better.
You need to consider ending the marriage so he can find someone who loves and respect him.
He sounds like a decent man. I know many ladies who are looking for someone like him so I’m sure they will be happy to take him off your hands
The pool of reliable genuine men is so small as they were all snapped up years ago by women such as yourself. Hopefully many are happy but I have a feeling others will be being used like ‘your husband.’
Do the right thing and set him free OP.

That latest update hurt my feelings OP. Imagining my DH saying that or similar to me is a sore one.
Do you really understand what your marriage needs? What your husband needs to stay in it?

@GreyCarpet

I think it's very clear that he does love her in the way a marriage needs. She just doesn't reciprocate and expected him to be ok woth that. For the sake of the children/family unit.

Yeah but now she has told him that any affection she shows him is basically her faking it. He’s going to really struggle to trust her after that isnt he?

I would find it really hard to come back from someone I love telling me that when they are loving towards me they are just pretending for the children’s sake. No one with any dignity would be able to accept that.

I think the ship has sailed on this marriage really. The OP has been honest and the DH, understandably, can’t move past it.

Even if you only see his as a friend, why would you not want to work on that relationship. Do you know what his love language is? There apparently is an apology language by the same people. Work hard on making it up to him and do less with the kids once in a while to have energy for your DH.

OP has been downright cruel towards her DH. Understandable if he can’t forgive her.

It doesn't work like that. By the time your kids move out you'll be strangers.

You're intentionally locking him in a sexless, romantic-loveless marriage because you have the kids and God to hold over him. Meanwhile you get the financial support of another person (do you work?) and can walk away any time knowing you'll keep the kids.

This guy's done everything right, it seems. And now he's faced with the choice of being unloved for the rest of his life, or losing the family life and full time access to his kids that he obviously cherishes as much as his wife does.

Poor guy.

All the time he sat and really listened. I saw that he got my internal struggle and seemed to be with me in the moment

What a pity that you didn't give him the same respect when he tried to talk to your about his needs.

I’d be working out what to do when he files for divorce now if I were you OP.