To want to concentrate on family time

[RunningAhead]

I love being a mum. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I completely adore my children. My DH is a wonderful father and he also adores the children.

We regularly have trips out as a family. Probably every weekend we go to a beach, a park or local attraction. These are the best times for me. Everything feels great when we're all together and I want to put all my effort into these times and being a mum.

My DH says I'm neglecting our relationship. I admit things are not great when the kids aren't around. He wants to be closer again and go on date nights but I have no interest at all in spending time as a couple.

I see him more as a friend and I'd rather put my focus into family time. AIBU?

I find it so weird reading posts like this. If you're not happy to spend time with your husband why are you still with him?

Jesus, that poor loyal bastard. 💔

There won't be anyone there for you to spend time with once the kids have grown up. He isn't some toy that you can just put on a shelf when you feel like it and pick back up when you are bored, he is a real human with feelings, needs and wants. Even if he physically stay in the marriage (doubt he will) you will never have a functioning relationship because there will be so much resentment there from him.

That's really not my definition of a 'healthy family unit'. You are shoring up huge problems for you all if you continue like this and frankly you're being very cruel to your husband. I feel so sad for him.

I adore my husband and the idea of having nothing to talk about together absolutely boggles my mind.

You seem very dogmatic about this like you have made your mind that what you are doing it the right approach when both a) your husband and b) every single respondent on a five page thread is begging you to open your mind to what’s happening.

Why ask the question in the first place if you are resolutely committed to doing it your own way?

Surely at the absolute bare minimum, regardless of your own feelings, you owe it to your husband to be honest with him?

If you can’t be bothered to put any work or commitment into it just set him free. He doesn’t deserve this.

Yeah you're husbands telling you that because right now the poor man still has blind optimism that you'll start to love him again and not just what comes out of his bollocks and what's in his wallet. Your husband deserves better than you and when he does eventually see you for what you are, I hope he gets it.

You are failing your children and your family by repeatedly failing your husband. He will only tolerate it for so long.

Once the kids are older, you seem very unlikely to still be a couple.

You are deluding yourself if you think he won't leave. In an emotional sense, you have already left.

So as far as you're concerned that gives you the green light to treat the poor sod however badly you like. You seem to be very much relying on his marriage vows while completely disregarding your own.

God moves in mysterious ways. He may yet find a way to convince your H that he doesn't have to live such a soulless, unloved life.* So that when the kids are older and have left (except based on the way you've written so far you would be happy if that wasn't until they were 40, given that your kids are everything and your husband is nothing) I hope he's no longer there for you to deign to start talking to.

*In fact I think I might have a word with God myself and ask Him to come up with something pdq.

Honestly, people get a bad wrap for having affairs but if I was in a man (or woman as it happens!) in this sort of "relationship", I would be first in the queue for an affair. This man deserves so much more than this.
Where exactly are you meeting his needs? You can't just say you can't be bothered! Imagine if one of your children was in a relationship like this, you'd tell them to leave.

This is some sort of mental illness that almost exclusively only women suffer from.

What happens when normal biological drive goes haywire and turns into a problem. There must be an option for treatment or therapy?

Also, such intensity in parental love ( like any other love) can be burdensome to children as they feel responsible for managing the emotional state of the adult.

What about your marriage vows? Clearly you were just having a laugh when you made them. I think if one person has broken the vows the other is freed of them too - you have tossed away yours and he should too.

I get this to a point with babies and toddlers but you can't just shelve a relationship with your spouse long term and expect to pick it up. On some level he will move on without you even if only psychologically.

Long term this isn't good for your DC. As DC get older they prefer relationships with people that have their own interests and personalities, you will not have these things if all you do is slavishly devote yourself to them. Sorry but this will make you incredibly dull.

OP you don't sound like a bad person but you need to get real here.

I agree: the total fixation on children to the exclusion of anything else in you life is setting you and your kids up for all sorts of difficulties later.

These types of mothers (and it is usually mothers) tend to really struggle with the teenage years because they can’t allow their children to be independent. It’s a form of control.

Practical reasons, my guess.
I'm no different.

I mean I can totally see why that happens… it’s fairly common for people to become trapped in the infrastructure of a marriage which no longer works because the couple is financially dependent on one another.

But what’s unpleasant about the OP’s approach is that she seems to expect the DH to take this as part of the cost of having a family. It’s as if she thinks he is being completely unreasonable in expecting to have any kind of relationship with his wife and is doggedly insisting that this is the correct way to run a family.

In these circumstances there has to be some give and take or there is no family.

Let me ask you something...

How will you preserve this family utopia if he asks for a divorce?

He doesn't appear last on your list- he isn't even on it. You're basically saying "I know he's unhappy but I am so fuck him, not my problem." Not cool.

You sound like you're just using him to prop up your 'happy family' illusion which is frankly vile. He's not happy, you don't care - how can you think this is all brilliant?

You are modelling a marriage/relationship to your children....badly. You sound so unbelievably selfish and cold towards your husband and I dont think any amount of being told that will make you hange your attitude.

I really hope your husband doesn't choose to stay with you, it really sounds like he deserves someone who respects and loves him.

YABVU and unfair, your poor DH

Great that you enjoy family time and love being a mum, but you also promised to be a wife. Maybe re-read those vows.

If it helps, use your tunnel vision focus on your children to maybe frame time with your DH as rewarding him for giving you them!

Also, consider that if you continue to neglect him then family times might not stay as good and will be hard to get that relationship back

@RunningAhead

He's very committed and takes marriage vows seriously.

You mean the same ones you took? Promising to love and to cherish until death parts you?

Not much loving or cherishing on your side from what I can see. Not for your poor husband anyway.

For me, an important part of parenting was/is modelling good adult relationships. That can be a loving partnership or an adult and considerate co parenting relationship living together or apart. But both people need to be on the same page. Children are incredibly perceptive about stuff like this.

You better hope he doesn't decide he has had enough and leave any time soon - and that is VERY possible - as if that happens, being the wonderful Dad you say he is, he will go for 50/50 custody and your, more important in your eyes, family time will be halved as you will only see and have your children living with you for half of the week.
My children are my world and we spend as much time as possible as a family unit, however my husband is equally but differently, also my world and as a result as two adults in a relationship we spend a morning every week, after school drop off, having breakfast out somewhere.
When they are in bed on a friday we order takeaway and spend the evening just us eating/chatting/drinking.
We go out every Sat night alone for drinks/food and usually then catch up with friends later.
You and him are as important as you and them.

The more you post the more sorry I feel for your husband. You’re taking advantage of the fact he takes vows seriously to treat him like he doesn’t matter.

You don't sound like a very nice person op.

Sounds like you've used your dh as a sperm donor and a man servant to see to your needs, without a second glance to what his wants or wishes are. You're supposed to be a partnership, but you're using him.

Are you religious OP, was it some sort of arranged marriage, or similar?

I can't get my head around your views.
You won't be able to just pick up your relationship 10+ years down the line, it doesn't work like that.

And you will end up pushing your teens/young adults away if you don't give them space/independence as they grow up, which sounds doubtful.