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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to concentrate on family time

197 replies

RunningAhead · 30/05/2024 05:09

I love being a mum. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I completely adore my children. My DH is a wonderful father and he also adores the children.

We regularly have trips out as a family. Probably every weekend we go to a beach, a park or local attraction. These are the best times for me. Everything feels great when we're all together and I want to put all my effort into these times and being a mum.

My DH says I'm neglecting our relationship. I admit things are not great when the kids aren't around. He wants to be closer again and go on date nights but I have no interest at all in spending time as a couple.

I see him more as a friend and I'd rather put my focus into family time. AIBU?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 30/05/2024 07:22

He's saying that all is not well I think you need to listen to that.

platwlob · 30/05/2024 08:07

YABU. Maintaining your marriage is part of family life. One way or another your world will come crashing down around you if you do not listen to your husband and start working on your relationship.

StopGo · 30/05/2024 08:17

What is DH doing to organise a date night? Book babysitter and a restaurant or does he expect you to sort everything out?

jeaux90 · 30/05/2024 08:18

Part of being a good parent is modelling good relationships.

That means leaving if they are abusive or building positive relationships if they are a decent person.

You are not teaching your children that. It's our job as parents to do that. To also teach our kids that parents have their own lives and relationships.

DearestGentleReader · 30/05/2024 08:21

Your marriage is the foundation of your family.
You don't love "family" time that much if you are prepared to do nothing and watch it fall apart.

SoEmbarrassed2024 · 30/05/2024 08:23

Of course you are being unreasonable to see no reason to put any effort into your relationship.

I get that you love family time, but how long do you think you'll actually be a family if you've friend zoned your husband?

YellowHairband · 30/05/2024 08:26

StopGo · 30/05/2024 08:17

What is DH doing to organise a date night? Book babysitter and a restaurant or does he expect you to sort everything out?

OP says she has no interest at all in spending time just with her husband. So it doesn't sound like the issue is who books a restaurant.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/05/2024 08:27

jeaux90 · 30/05/2024 08:18

Part of being a good parent is modelling good relationships.

That means leaving if they are abusive or building positive relationships if they are a decent person.

You are not teaching your children that. It's our job as parents to do that. To also teach our kids that parents have their own lives and relationships.

This. Subsuming your individual lives into your roles as parents doesn’t set a good example to children.

Parenting is a priority and it should be clear that it’s a priority. But children shouldn’t grow up thinking their parents exist purely to facilitate their needs and have no needs, opinions or lives of their own. And signalling that family life starts and ends with being parents is setting them up for unfulfilling partnerships when they get older.

You are absolutely within your rights to decide you no longer want to be with your husband but you can’t both insist on being a family unit and refusing to meaningfully engage with him. That’s not how it works.

Time to decide if you want to put some work into your marriage or whether you would be better off going it alone.

neverbeenskiing · 30/05/2024 08:29

Your post reads as though now you've had children they are the centre of your universe and you don't need anyone or anything else. That's not healthy, OP. Your DC do not exist to meet all your social and emotional needs. As they get older they will become more independent and have their own social lives. What then?

I would be heartbroken if my DH told me he just saw me as a friend and wasn't interested in spending time as a couple. Ultimately, the reason we have a family is because he and I met and fell in love. It started with the two of us and one day the kids will leave home and it will be two of us again.

Being a "wonderful" parent and "adoring" your children doesn't have to mean neglecting every other area of your life. You can be a great parent and still make time for your relationship, career, or anything else that's important to you.

Plenty of couples manage to have the occasional date night or spend quality time together and still take their kids to the beach at the weekends. But you must know that, so it seems clear you are using the children as an excuse to avoid intimacy or quality time with your DH. The real question is why, and what are you going to do about it?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/05/2024 08:30

This is really really sad. I absolutely adore spending time with my husband. it sounds like you’re just not interested in a relationship and the only way that’s going to go will end with no family days. So think about that really carefully.

WoodBurningStov · 30/05/2024 08:33

It's lovely that your dh wants to carve time out with you and you alone, that's what a healthy relationship looks like and it's important you do this. But if you don't want to, have no interest in him as a person or partner then do the decent thing and separate. Let him have a chance of a relationship with someone who wants to spend time with him.

He's sending you a clear message that he needs this from you and wants to make the relationship work. If you don't do something about it, he may take the decision out of your hands and leave. That might result in you having no family time at all and you seeing your dc for 50% of the time.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/05/2024 08:34

Ignore this at your peril OP. I feel for your DH. He’s told you he misses your time together, so do something about it.

Its not healthy for anyone to be completely wrapped up in their kids at the expense of their relationship.

Kids grow up very quickly. Ours have recently left home and it’s back to just the two of us and I’m very grateful that we both put the effort in to remain close as this would be a very difficult time otherwise.

TheChosenTwo · 30/05/2024 08:34

Listen to him.
He’s quite literally spelling out how he feels. Be honest with yourself, do you want to stay in the marriage?

FrenchandSaunders · 30/05/2024 08:38

This isn’t the wife from that other thread is it? The sahm who can’t bear to do anything with him?

NewGirlinClass · 30/05/2024 08:41

Before long you will be turning the DC against you husband, you will be taking sides against him but all the time you benefit from what he does and his income.
When did you decide to be so dominant?

GiganticArkReadywithHottub · 30/05/2024 08:41

I was like this. When I had children I felt like they were the missing piece. I could take or leave my relationship after that. I just loved being with them. I'm a single mum now (and loving it)

Original poster
RunningAhead · 30/05/2024 08:45

@ZekeZeke it's just not the same as it used to be. We don't have much to talk about and just sit around not doing much. I'm fine with that really because we then have good times as a family.

@Thepeopleversuswork he is a great husband and father. I couldn't ask any more of him. He is kind considerate and would do anything for all of us. He puts so much effort into the kids and is always looking out for me. I just don't have the interest or energy in spending time with just him any more.

@StopGo I've asked him not to organise any more for the reasons in this thread. He would quite happily sort it all .

I don't think he would leave because he loves the kids too much. I don't want to end the relationship because I'm fine with things are and to provide a healthy family unit for the kids.

OP posts:
Chickenuggetsticks · 30/05/2024 08:50

We love our kid and spend pretty much all our spare time as family time. BUT when she’s in bed we slump over and thank god it’s quiet for five minutes. We don’t have childcare so we have a wine and movie night once a week instead of going out. Family time is important but when your husband or wife says they feel disconnected you should take that seriously.

Tbh you don’t sound like you care much if he’s there or not, not sure if your marriage has legs really.

Everydayimhuffling · 30/05/2024 08:53

You AREN'T providing a healthy family unit for the kids. Holding the children ransom to stop him leaving is reprehensible and unlikely to work.

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 30/05/2024 08:54

I don’t understand it when people, usually women, become so obsessed with their children that who they were before ceases to exist.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/05/2024 08:57

RunningAhead · 30/05/2024 08:45

@ZekeZeke it's just not the same as it used to be. We don't have much to talk about and just sit around not doing much. I'm fine with that really because we then have good times as a family.

@Thepeopleversuswork he is a great husband and father. I couldn't ask any more of him. He is kind considerate and would do anything for all of us. He puts so much effort into the kids and is always looking out for me. I just don't have the interest or energy in spending time with just him any more.

@StopGo I've asked him not to organise any more for the reasons in this thread. He would quite happily sort it all .

I don't think he would leave because he loves the kids too much. I don't want to end the relationship because I'm fine with things are and to provide a healthy family unit for the kids.

OP I really worry for you and ld the way you are thinking here. Do you love him? Do you still have a sex life?

life really isnt 100% about the kids, they will grow up and they will go and I can’t imagine why you’ve given up on everything but them? It’s not healthy at all. You seem a bit obsessed?

saraclara · 30/05/2024 08:58

I don't think he would leave because he loves the kids too much.

Those who think that it's entirely a man's world, might reflect on this.

This man's wife no longer loves him. I assume there's no sex and all she cares about is the kids. She agrees that he's done nothing wrong and is a great husband and father. But his only option to be loved again is to leave and miss his kids.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/05/2024 08:58

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 30/05/2024 08:54

I don’t understand it when people, usually women, become so obsessed with their children that who they were before ceases to exist.

So many men leave because of this. They still want wives not just mums for their kids. It’s really sad. I don’t get it.

GiganticArkReadywithHottub · 30/05/2024 08:59

@Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove but who I was before them is more apparent now that before I had them. Before I had no drive, no energy, no motivation. They give me that purpose, to earn more, to travel more, to look after the planet, to eat better, to live longer. They give me that.

saraclara · 30/05/2024 09:00

Everydayimhuffling · 30/05/2024 08:53

You AREN'T providing a healthy family unit for the kids. Holding the children ransom to stop him leaving is reprehensible and unlikely to work.

Exactly. This poor guy. You have everything you want, and simply can't see that you are depriving him of the basics of a relationship. You're relying on him staying because he loves his kids. That's grim

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