So I have to do all the parenting now

[pissedoffmom]

Dh and I have 3 kids, dd10, dd1 and dd15weeks.
He runs a small business. The basic gist of of it is this, he thinks because he works all day and then has paperwork to do that I should do everything with the kids meaning he doesn't have to do anything but paperwork when he gets home on the evening. My argument is, I have them all day, and all night doing night feeds. I would like to be able to have a shower/bath in the evening once he's been home a couple of hours, had his dinner, kids are in pjs and settled. He thinks I should wait until they're all asleep.
He moans if I still have the dishwasher to load, washing to hang up, general bits of housework I haven't managed to catch up on during the day. It's usually just cleaning up after the dinner, washing bottles etc, nothing major, I'm still very much present, still here parenting.

Big row last night, he told me he isn't going to come home on the evening now until he's got his paperwork done. Meaning I have to look after the children on my own for even longer, and extra 2-3 hours. I don't think this is fair, am I in the wrong ? Our 1 year old doesn't sleep well alone, the routine is that he takes her up and settles her, and comes back down once she's asleep while I'm looking after the baby.
So if he doesn't come home, how am I supposed to get the toddler to sleep while I also have the baby ? And also have the 10 year old don't forget, they are pretty self sufficient these days but that's besides the point.

I feel pissed off because my day is bloody hard work as it is without being told he isn't going to help anymore, only "when he can" so he will parent when it suits him basically.
He asked why he can't get his paperwork done at points during the day, he said this isn't possible. I've offered to take the kids out on a Saturday for a few hours so he can have some quiet and get the work done, he said no as he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.

I was told last night that it was me who wanted the kids, he was happy before we had the little ones, he only did it to make me happy.
I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

Who's being unreasonable here ?

You need to ask?!

I’m sorry. He’s horrible.

Him. Do you really need to ask.
You are pretty much a single parent!
Awful man.

Obviously he is, you are in no way punching.

On here we do still see a lot of men not pulling their weight but IRL with my friends everyone works FT and so the men are coming home to do dinners, baths, bedtime and running around in the morning doing breakfasts and drop offs just the same as the women.

Do you both get equal downtime? Work from there.

A 1yo and a baby must be incredibly hard work.

Throw him back to the 1950’s where he clearly wants to be and move on. I don’t often say LTB but jeez he sounds horrible, and he’ll only get worse.

I think you already know the answer to your question. I would never be able to get over my DH telling me he never wanted all 3 kids he was happy to make and would tell him not to bother coming home because it’s easier to be a single parent that to parent alone in a marriage. You and your kids deserve better.

First of all, sending you a big hug. My ex was exactly this, along with a lot of other digs and even when I did work night shifts he was still the same that’s exactly why he is now my ex.
I get he needs to do stuff but why doesn’t he do his paperwork later in the evening so he’s present in the house and the couple of hours you have can get stuff done together, my uncle does his on a Sunday evening but used to get his gf to do his estimates when she had free time here and there so they could enjoy the little free time they had.

Is he going to have them every other weekend and Wednesday evenings when you leave him, or will he just slink off and never see them again and cook the books so he doesn't have to may any child maintenance? Either way, you'll be better off without him.

Has he always been like this is just since you had the 2 babies. No excuse regardless but just wondering if he's finding it harder than he's letting on. Does he do anything st weekends?

He is vile. You’re basically a single parent at this point. Prepare to go it alone long term as he won’t change.

Does he do much with the kids at the weekend once all the paperwork is done? If he can't manage the paperwork within work hours, perhaps he needs to hire some extra help for his business?

Fuck that. Tell him to find and pay nursery care so you can work a pt job and he can also pay a cleaner.
My exh was like this, i lasted 9 years although how I did this I don't know,... had a breakdown and left him.
He is taking the piss. Get a job asap tell him your going out Saturday with friends and He can enjoy a days childcare -- and do all he housework!
Make sure friend comes in for a cup too, make sure he has the house tidy for that too.
Unbelievable how some women put up with this shit

I've noticed more of a change since the baby came along. It is hard work, like really hard work, but we don't exactly have a choice, I can't ship them off. The toddler is relentless, she has major tantrums, still not speaking so is getting really frustrated resulting in these meltdowns.
But yeah, maybe he is struggling but Jesus, so am I ! I have postnatal anxiety and ocd, suffering daily with intrusive thoughts that if I don't do certain things/say things something bloody awful is going to happen to my baby. I'm on medication. I have a herniated disc resulting in sciatica, which I'm now getting down both legs, so that's even better !
I get running a business is hard I do, and he has to do the paperwork I know it's important but it feels like he's putting that above everything now.

He also said he thinks I do fuck all all day, nothing changes in the house apparently... I do what I can when I can, I don't do a deep clean everyday but the basics are done ! The house is clean but can be untidy due to all the toys lying about

I'm afraid he's checked out. I'd suggest if the business is doing so well that he hires a VA to do it so that he can't be home. If he says no then he doesn't care one jot. At that point as a single parent i'd be happier having a break EOW as it would be better than at present. However if you go down this route be aware he might hide money to get out of CMS.

He really doesn't have a fucking clue what it is to look after children does he? Is baby EBF or can you fuck off and leave him to it for some down time over the weekend?

You have a new baby and a one year old at home whilst he’s at work, either go on strike for the day and let him see what a house really looks like when it doesn’t get cleaned or get rid. I was a single parent in my marriage and I was not respected at all, he always had life worse off and in the end I realised life was easier without someone constantly nit picking in my ear

He does fuck all during the day if he's not managing to do the paperwork.... that one works both ways. He doesn't have the kids on his own enough if he thinks you do nothing.

Personally, I would separate, it would be easier alone.

I find it difficult to believe that he had 2/3 hours of paperwork every day for a small business.
You are not unreasonable to expect him to parent the children he has jointly created.
If he doesn’t get this under his own steam I don’t know your future is going to pan out tbh.

He thinks you do fuck all during the day???!!!

What a callous, self-centred bastard. I would see a solicitor and prepare for separation - ducks lined up in a regimented, watertight row as he will wriggle out of any financial commitments.

Fuck him. Angry on your behalf!

Ok. Here’s a plan.

He has stopped listening and caring how you are and what your life is like.

You can do that too.

Stop organising your life around him- because I bet you do- and start organising for yourself.

Meals that work for you and the kids.

Routine that works for you and the kids.

Going out after school. Going out at the weekend. Going visit family.

Get a cleaner. Throw money at some of it.

When he complains, say it’s the best you can do with several debilitating health problems. If he can’t do it, someone else has to.

When you stop caring how he feels life gets so much easier.

What a bell 🔔 end. It's unfair to be left on your own with multiple children. I needed help when mine were little. Especially in the evenings! That's the hardest shift of the day with small DC.

Please don’t give any indication you are fed up and maybe thinking of leaving him until you have got independent advice and got your hands on copies of your joint financial records and his business earnings.

Also you are not being unreasonable. My partner is a finance director and right now I’m having a coffee while I watch him sort our child out for nursery because it’s his morning doing the nursery run- and he's already put the washing on. Sharing parenting and housework equitably is normal.

He's just gone to work. I said to him you don't know how hard my life is during the day, it is chaos during the day, you get a child free break during the day I don't, he said you wanted it so don't moan about it... it's seems it makes me a bad mother to want abit of child free time. just because I wanted it doesn't mean I should do all the parenting. I'm sick to fucking death of hearing the word paperwork, I could chuck his computer sometimes

His paperwork is not the issue, he doesn't want to be an involved parent or husband anymore. I think extra hours at the office won't be to do admin, he's having an affair or wants that time to start one. The contempt for you, the I never wanted kids routine, he's emotionally seperating himself from you all.