So I have to do all the parenting now

[pissedoffmom]

Dh and I have 3 kids, dd10, dd1 and dd15weeks.
He runs a small business. The basic gist of of it is this, he thinks because he works all day and then has paperwork to do that I should do everything with the kids meaning he doesn't have to do anything but paperwork when he gets home on the evening. My argument is, I have them all day, and all night doing night feeds. I would like to be able to have a shower/bath in the evening once he's been home a couple of hours, had his dinner, kids are in pjs and settled. He thinks I should wait until they're all asleep.
He moans if I still have the dishwasher to load, washing to hang up, general bits of housework I haven't managed to catch up on during the day. It's usually just cleaning up after the dinner, washing bottles etc, nothing major, I'm still very much present, still here parenting.

Big row last night, he told me he isn't going to come home on the evening now until he's got his paperwork done. Meaning I have to look after the children on my own for even longer, and extra 2-3 hours. I don't think this is fair, am I in the wrong ? Our 1 year old doesn't sleep well alone, the routine is that he takes her up and settles her, and comes back down once she's asleep while I'm looking after the baby.
So if he doesn't come home, how am I supposed to get the toddler to sleep while I also have the baby ? And also have the 10 year old don't forget, they are pretty self sufficient these days but that's besides the point.

I feel pissed off because my day is bloody hard work as it is without being told he isn't going to help anymore, only "when he can" so he will parent when it suits him basically.
He asked why he can't get his paperwork done at points during the day, he said this isn't possible. I've offered to take the kids out on a Saturday for a few hours so he can have some quiet and get the work done, he said no as he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.

I was told last night that it was me who wanted the kids, he was happy before we had the little ones, he only did it to make me happy.
I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

Who's being unreasonable here ?

What an awful human being.

You need to put your foot down and not put up with it anymore.

When he gets home tell him you’ve made plans so he’s got the kids for tonight, grab your stuff and go.

Has he only recently just started to be this way? Only reason I ask is you have 2 little ones so I’m curious as to wether he was like this before having the other 2 DC’s

Either way he clearly doesn’t respect you and his actions and argument is awful. I’d be considering leaving

What a prince of a man.

My ovaries have run away in horror.

You're a single mum already. Make it official.

Kind of agree with this. My friend had a baby with a man who was work mad and tbh a rubbish dad, complained about him daily then went on to have another child with him.

however we don’t know from OP post that he’s always been this way x

Is your husband the sole earner and supporter
of the whole family, five human beings?
Surely that cannot be easy.
Or is that taken for granted?
Just asking, never had kids myself (by choice).
So happy.

So he thinks fatherhood is nothing more than being a sperm donor.

He has zero interest in raising his children or being a supportive partner.

I'd be planning a return to work as soon as you can.

Don’t get me wrong, your DH is being an arse BUT you have both created a situation that is so incredibly hard. I‘m not surprised you’re both struggling to adjust and cope.

If you don’t want to split you need to have some grown up discussions about how to manage the load. Get a cleaner or other help at home if you can afford it.

In all fairness he doesn’t want to be a parent and there are a lot of mums who work full time and still parent the second they get home

OP’s DH doesn’t help, and even on weekends says he doesn’t want to spend his weekend being a parent…

The issue is he has checked out. No longer sees it as his problem.
Why can’t he do his paperwork during the day like everyone else?
Why is it taking 2/3 hours?
He is hiding behind it to avoid parenting.

You might find it easier to separate because he would look after the dc alone and you would have guaranteed time off, and be able to relaunch a career of sorts eventually. You won’t have him to deal with either but I don’t know how easy it is in reality.

Get a cleaner and a trustworthy babysitter in the interim. Who needs a cleaner more than you? I have one and I have two dc teens and work PT. You deserve help and support. A baby sitter for a few hours would give you a break. And don’t give up your baths daily, it’s all you have to look forward to!

No he wasn't like this before, he had his moments as we all do (his mainly can be selfish) but is also be a really lovely man with a good heart. When he's got one on him though he really shows a different side, says some nasty things, it's like Jekyll and Hyde, full on mood swings.
It's since the baby came along really that it's got bad like this, It feels like he doesn't love me the same, like he's not as bothered.
I don't want us to split up, I love him, he is the father of my children and I don't want my kids to grow up without their dad here, they adore him. I just want him to see it isn't all about him and the business, that I need some help with the kids because I'm fucking struggling to cope, it's constant bottles, nappies, making food, tidying up, washing clothes, washing bottles, more nappies, doing the dinner, cleaning that mess up, feeding the bloody cat who has allergies so needs tablets etc etc I know it might sound like nothing compared to some people but to me it's chaotic.
Yes we need the money and I'm not denying that he has to work, I just wish he didn't have to do it after work and make my day even longer. Because I think he'll do it, then come in and moan that he's tired etc and that'll be the next excuse not to help me. I feel like he'll want the kids all ready for bed before he comes in so he doesn't have to help me

Of course it isn't taken for granted. This was his choice though, I used to work, I gave it up so he could focus on the business

Could you leave him with the kids all day to show him what fuck all looks like?

I was in that situation so I worked around the kids and let him fetch for himself. I got my ducks in a row and now he's gone. I did consider widowhood but divorce won't put you in prison.

Sending love and hugs xxx

Yes, it's crap, sorry.
Thanks for not bashing me.
I didn't want to be a parent either (as a PP said),
at least I didn't just drop three kids onto anyone.
You are very strong, my guess is in the future
you'll also become very fed up.

You made a mistake having another child, especially so close in age. He probably felt pushed unto it. This situation is partly your fault.

Sorry, meant fed up with husband.

Just going to laugh at this you joker

I think you really know the truth here.

I'd tell him you're more than happy to do all the childcare on your 50% time as being the parent and he can figure out what he does the 50% he has him.

Because yes - you're leaving him.

I'd leave him for the weekend with the children. Just go.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You need to put your foot down from today

he is definitely hiding behind paper work to avoid parenting

You said it’s since baby was born, who is 3 months old. Maybe he is struggling with some sort of ppd.

you both need a chat tonight to sort this. You need a break too

Id offer to swap for the day

he has the three children and does all that you do with them, experiences this and then he can critique how he expects you to have everything done by the time he gets home - including putting the 1 year old to bed and looking after the 15 week old

then and only then, is he allowed to be telling you how to run the family

Please forget the idea that you should be able to manage a newborn and a very young toddler (plus your 10 year old) as well as all of the domestic load. This is not realistic. The idealistic vision of the middle class 1950s house wife had a ton of help that her husband paid for as well as other female family members to lean on. No one expected her to do it alone.

What you are doing / trying to do is objectively too much and you should have help. If he wants to be a dick about it then absolutely just tell him you’re hiring a cleaner and some help to assist at bedtime as he’s not available. He is basically doing one job while you’re trying to do three.

This.

Maybe I could raise hiring a cleaner or something
why do you have to raise it? Why can you just not hire one?

but the main thing is you have no leverage at all. You dont want to leave. He doesnt want to do any parenting and doesnt value what you contribute. It wont get better but theres nothing you can do.

Did they really?
Genuinely, many times I thought how on earth they managed, and felt humble (and incapable).
😁
And they stayed slim, and make up on, with a load of stuff in the 1950s...

Wow. What an arsehole. Seems like he couldn't care less about his children...or you.

Bin him.

As women we know it is not possible. Looking after two small children is absolutely a full time role and your husband is more likely to come home to you with baby sick on yourself and tearing your hair out than his wife in a tea dress and dinner on the table 😂

In mid 1950s USA (where I think this idealistic vision comes from rather than post war Britain), over half of black women worked as domestic workers. Presumably there were plenty who were not black too. So certainly there was a lot of help about.

UK may not have had so many maids at that time but I’d bet a lot of women had a female family member over to help with allowing them to have a bath, cook dinner and get the children changed and clean for bed.

Its simply not possible to do what the OP is trying to do and women should be more vocal about it.

I don’t think LTB is the answer here- at least, not right now.

He will refuse to take the children for contact time (as he wouldn’t cope or know what to do). He’ll invoke some kind of accounting jiggery-pokery to avoid paying maintenance.

Would it be possible to return to work once the baby is older? I know that the childcare costs will probably be as much as you earn (I’ve been in that boat), but you need to take a long term perspective here. Your husband does not have your back, he has checked out of family life, and he could well have plans to write you out of his future. You need a long term plan for independence (and I truly do understand how hard it is to look beyond the exhaustion and chaos of the baby days).

For now, you need to stop making his life easy. Eat with the children, let him sort his own dinner if he’s getting back late. If the house isn’t clean when he gets in, tough. Prioritise what the children need. Don’t stress about getting his laundry done.