So I have to do all the parenting now

[pissedoffmom]

Dh and I have 3 kids, dd10, dd1 and dd15weeks.
He runs a small business. The basic gist of of it is this, he thinks because he works all day and then has paperwork to do that I should do everything with the kids meaning he doesn't have to do anything but paperwork when he gets home on the evening. My argument is, I have them all day, and all night doing night feeds. I would like to be able to have a shower/bath in the evening once he's been home a couple of hours, had his dinner, kids are in pjs and settled. He thinks I should wait until they're all asleep.
He moans if I still have the dishwasher to load, washing to hang up, general bits of housework I haven't managed to catch up on during the day. It's usually just cleaning up after the dinner, washing bottles etc, nothing major, I'm still very much present, still here parenting.

Big row last night, he told me he isn't going to come home on the evening now until he's got his paperwork done. Meaning I have to look after the children on my own for even longer, and extra 2-3 hours. I don't think this is fair, am I in the wrong ? Our 1 year old doesn't sleep well alone, the routine is that he takes her up and settles her, and comes back down once she's asleep while I'm looking after the baby.
So if he doesn't come home, how am I supposed to get the toddler to sleep while I also have the baby ? And also have the 10 year old don't forget, they are pretty self sufficient these days but that's besides the point.

I feel pissed off because my day is bloody hard work as it is without being told he isn't going to help anymore, only "when he can" so he will parent when it suits him basically.
He asked why he can't get his paperwork done at points during the day, he said this isn't possible. I've offered to take the kids out on a Saturday for a few hours so he can have some quiet and get the work done, he said no as he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.

I was told last night that it was me who wanted the kids, he was happy before we had the little ones, he only did it to make me happy.
I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

Who's being unreasonable here ?

What a Prince Charming you married.

As soon as my DH walked in the door he was handed the DC so I could go and sleep. He never moaned or berated me once even though somedays he commuted to London from Manchester. He could have stayed in a hotel in London but he didn't want to be away from us so he chose to commute.

You are living with a very selfish, self centered and pathetic man baby.

Now you have seen him for who he really is you will either have to out up with it (he wont change and he will get worse) or make plans to leave.

How much does he earn in his business? Are you a partner/director?

He's an absolute arsehole. I often have to work in the evening but I do it late once the baby is in bed, because I'm not a selfish dick. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.

Separate. He'd have no choice then and you'd get more of a break than you do now.

Ridiculous man. I wouldn’t be interested in sharing a life with someone who said he didn’t want our children anyway and who had no respect for what I did for the family. Prick. My husband works a lot, at the moment, 7 days a week, long hours, but the difference lies in his attitude. He respects me, he’s so grateful to me for what I do and he tells me most days how amazing I am. It’s still not ideal and I’d rather he was home more, but at least he’s not a disrespectful prick.

And this is why on sahm threads, so many of us say it’s a vulnerable position for women to put themselves in. However much both parents including the woman want it.

What work were you doing before? Can you go back to it? Would he support that?

Sounds like hell.

In your shoes I would do what others have suggested and just zone him out. You are effectively a single parent, so start to act like one, plan your day around you and the kids with routines that suit you.

But don't shove it in his face, for the time being you need his income. You need to make things as simple and straightforward for yourself and navigate the next year or so. Have a plan to return to part time work (health allowing) when the youngest ones are both in nursery/school. See if you can start to build up some savings in your own name. Even a small amount each month will build up over time.

Long term, maybe this isn't a sustainable relationship, but right now he provides a financial safety blanket for you and your children. Use this safety blanket to get you through this and help you plan the long term.

He must have had some redeeming qualities otherwise you wouldn't have had the second and third children, so maybe if he might realise he is being a prick and sort his priorities out.

So when you both worked, you did everything at home? So I assume it wasn’t a shock to you when you had kids that you still did everything? Did you assume he would change and become decent?

And you didn't realise what he was like until you'd had 3 children? Not helpful I know but frankly what's the point of being with him, he's a shit husband and doesn't care about his children, yuck.

Your oldest child is 10? Has he always been like this? Is he paying a pension for you? you’ve put yourself into such a vulnerable position.

he’s self employed so as we all know, he won’t pay anywhere near the maintenance he should if you split.

as you are at home all day I do agree that the house stuff should fall to you but he should be helping with the children when he gets in and at weekends etc.

When we had 1 child it was easy, life was alot simpler, he could do his paperwork in peace, it was different. We've now got 2 under 2, I don't want to go into too much outing details but they were very much planned. He started to change really when the baby came along, he said he didn't feel a bond firstly with her, then said he just meant he wasn't as excited as he was with the other ones as he was still in the throws of looking after a baby. He does love the kids, of course he does, but I don't think he can handle being a parent to two young infants and running a business. So it seems like he's picked the business
I wouldn't have married him if I knew life would be like this. But life was different back then. We were happy and not constantly arguing or in competition with each other over who is more tired or who has it harder

Only he can be a father to his children! That requires putting the time in.

I don't expect him to do housework, it's just abit of help with the children when he's home. Yes I get a pension

Can you afford a cleaner? A babysitter? Nursery?

Do you have any autonomy in your marriage at all?

Ah yes, another man whose chosen to have kids and be self employed and then thinks it's acceptable to just put his kids on the back burner at the most crucial time of their lives, you know the part where you actually raise them, in order to run the business.
How did you respond to him saying that you were the one who wanted the children??? And why did you do all the housework when you were full time??

I don’t think I could stay with someone that thinks I do fuck all when I had 3 children to manage….

@pissedoffmom
when mine were little I got a local 16 year old to help with feeding and bed/ bath time three times a week. She would get the towels, read with one, play with the other, quickly tidy the bathroom, even make me the odd cup of tea! She would stay about an hour, the kids absolutely loved her, and it really took the pressure off me.

I know that doesn’t help with your husband doing nothing, but it might help you.

I just said you wasn't forced and you didn't say no, he said it was too make me happy, as that's all I wanted at the time, which I did, I went through a hell of alot to have dd2.

Maybe I could raise hiring a cleaner or something, I just feel abit embarrassed having to do that, I should be able to manage the house myself

What a dickhead. Even if he was single without kids, he'd have to do chores like dishwasher and laundry when he's not at work. It's sad that he doesn't want to spend time with his children whilst you get on with tidying the house and give you some time to shower etc.

The comment he made about being a good husband just because he doesn't fuck off to the pub every night and that he only had kids to keep you happy would give me the serious ick. If he's not making an effort with the younger children, they'll eventually pick up on him not really wanting them. His standards for a husband and father are clearly so low, I'm not really sure how you would fix the relationship.

I don’t think LTB is great advice in the short term; OP will just add financial stress to her load and she’ll have three children to look after entirely by herself full time as I doubt Husband will step up to have much contact time alone while they’re so small. A cleaner or au pair/‘mother’s help’ makes more sense. He won’t change though so in the longer term, make plans to go it alone.

He sounds nasty. Didn't want his children?! That's fucking disgusting. Thinks you don't do anything all day? Well perhaps you shouldn't for the day and then he will actually see how much you do. Thinks he's great because he doesn't fuck off to the pub? I don't know any parents who go to the pub every night.
Leave him. He doesn't bring anything to your life except stress and unhappiness. You're practically a single parent anyway. Your life would be better without him and you need to get your children away from a father so toxic he's happy to say he didn't want them.

I agree with this. There was a TV programme on in the 90's, where Mum and Dad swapped roles for a week. It tended to be women who rang the show, because their husband had no appreciation of how hard motherhood and being at home was. There was not one man who didn't come out the other side, totally exhausted and with new found respect for his wife.

My ExH refused to do any night wakings with our children. Stupidly, before we had kids, I said that I would do all night feeds, because he would be the one having to perform at work. Boy, oh boy, did he make me stick to that promise! We had a newborn and a 19 month old, each were waking about 5 times a night each, and even when I begged for help, he said no, and he reminded me of what I had said about night feeds, even though I couldn't have known back then the gravity of what I was saying! I was up 10 times a night, for about a year, and I had gone back to work part time, when the baby was 5 months old. No need to worry about me performing at work of course, because mine was not "the big job". It's not why I left him, but I still cant believe he was such a prick!

Can you express milk and go away for at least 24 hours? Even better, a few days. It's the ONLY way he is going to wake up to your reality.

Of course he's unreasonable. My husband and I share all childcare responsibilities outside working hours.

Why can't he parent his children and then do his paperwork when the kids are in bed, if it's appropriate to ask you to do the same?

My first instinct was pretty much like everyone else’s here, but then I started thinking back to when we first had kids, and on entering the house after dh’s long day at work I’d literally shove the kids at him and say ‘I’m going for a shower/ nap whatever’. When I went back ft out of house and he was at home I remember I’d get home and be muttering like that that everything wasn’t done even though he was. It is terrible but you do assume the person at home is having the more chilled time and you think ‘they get to spend time with the kids.’ Just giving another pov but you need to talk, you can’t be on 24/7. It’s not fair

Your husband is awful and his reasoning is bullshit. You wanted children WITH him, not on your own! And HE was the one who wanted you to leave work. You didn't agree to having children under ANY circumstances. Any time he complains remind him that it was HIM that wanted you doing everything at home, if he doesn't like the way you do it it's his own fault for choosing that. Dick.

Being a single mum is much easier than being with someone like that btw. Even if he never sees them you'll have one less person to look after and nobody that will be a massive dick to you.

Eat with the children, let him make his own dinner. It’s a small thing but has a big impact.

And you can manage the house, you’ve proved it before.

What you can’t manage is the house, two small children, a bigger child, and three debilitating health conditions.

Getting a cleaner isn’t a sign of failure.