So I have to do all the parenting now

[pissedoffmom]

Dh and I have 3 kids, dd10, dd1 and dd15weeks.
He runs a small business. The basic gist of of it is this, he thinks because he works all day and then has paperwork to do that I should do everything with the kids meaning he doesn't have to do anything but paperwork when he gets home on the evening. My argument is, I have them all day, and all night doing night feeds. I would like to be able to have a shower/bath in the evening once he's been home a couple of hours, had his dinner, kids are in pjs and settled. He thinks I should wait until they're all asleep.
He moans if I still have the dishwasher to load, washing to hang up, general bits of housework I haven't managed to catch up on during the day. It's usually just cleaning up after the dinner, washing bottles etc, nothing major, I'm still very much present, still here parenting.

Big row last night, he told me he isn't going to come home on the evening now until he's got his paperwork done. Meaning I have to look after the children on my own for even longer, and extra 2-3 hours. I don't think this is fair, am I in the wrong ? Our 1 year old doesn't sleep well alone, the routine is that he takes her up and settles her, and comes back down once she's asleep while I'm looking after the baby.
So if he doesn't come home, how am I supposed to get the toddler to sleep while I also have the baby ? And also have the 10 year old don't forget, they are pretty self sufficient these days but that's besides the point.

I feel pissed off because my day is bloody hard work as it is without being told he isn't going to help anymore, only "when he can" so he will parent when it suits him basically.
He asked why he can't get his paperwork done at points during the day, he said this isn't possible. I've offered to take the kids out on a Saturday for a few hours so he can have some quiet and get the work done, he said no as he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.

I was told last night that it was me who wanted the kids, he was happy before we had the little ones, he only did it to make me happy.
I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

Who's being unreasonable here ?

Wow, your husband is an entitled pig who is delusional and a shitbag. Christ, you’d be much better on your own. You’d cope because you’d have to but in the long run you’d be much happier and not full of resentment which is exhausting.

He has his own business. The chances of her being better off financially not with him are slim. And he clearly wont be a 50/50 parent allowing her to advance her own career. I bet she has no personal money for a solicitor if she cannot make a decision on a cleaner alone. Best bet would be to go back to work as soon as possible.

He wanted Op to give up work, are men not responsible for any of the choices they make?!

Ah op he is being awful. I have three kids aswell(4 months, 2 and 4) and it’s full time work just keeping everyone alive and happy! I don’t get much cleaning done in the day at all. Everyone always needs something. He needs to walk a few days in your shoes. Can you go on a short stay in your mums, I know your baby is young so you might not want to leave them for long but a kick into reality is what that man needs. I’m sure he will manage the kids and all the housework letting you arrive home to a spotless house with a nice roast dinner waiting for you at the table😂 honestly op, he has no idea at all. Sounds like he has it handy at work, and home! If you could, getting back to work as others mentioned would be very wise. He needs to pull more weight with the parenting! And the cheek to say it was you wanting them and expecting everyone to be in bed for you to have a wash! I mean, it’s basic self care it’s not exactly this fantastic break for you to keep yourself clean!!!

Don't feel embarrassed. I was a SAHM of three and OH travelled alot and worked long hours. I had a cleaner. I also made time to do things with other mums and friends. Being a SAHM shouldn't be a jail sentence with hard labour.

So the solution to this is hours.
You both work 9am-5pm five days a week. Him at paid work, you housekeeping and looking after the kids.

Everything outside of those hours needs to be split equally - so alternate nights with the baby, alternate mornings/evening work. Work out the hours you do in a spreadsheet and then divide it up.

Me and DH split things outside work equally. We also split parental leave and the "working" parent at that time still did half the nights. The worst thing that happens if you're sleep deprived with a baby is the baby dies - worse that happens in a job generally speaking is you can get fired.

It's x100 more important to be well rested if you're looking after a baby Vs going to work. So he needs to do more of the nights imo.

Maybe you should split parental leave? Then he'll get a taste of it.

But to your original OP - he's basically doing his 9am-5pm and expecting you to work 24 hours a day. Domestic work and childcare is still work. Nannies cost £200 a day and don't do any housework so you'd need to pay a cleaner too.

Your workload split is ridiculously unfair.

Id fuck off at the weekend and leave him to it. When I got home I'd list everything that hasn't been done. Id tell him he's been a lazy prick sitting on his arse doing fuck all. Then I'd go to Bed. He's an arsehole. My 2 are 15 months apart and some days were brutal.

I was told last night that it was me who wanted the kids, he was happy before we had the little ones, he only did it to make me happy.
I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

Oh cow OP those are fighting words.
He's way out of line and taking the piss. He needs to take time to look after his own children each day so you can shower or do what you need to do. It's not like your telling him your going on holiday for a week and leaving him with the kids.

On Saturday morning, I would leave. Go out until Sunday evening. Leave him with ALL the kids. Book yourself into a Holiday Inn or something, nothing fancy, or go to your family or a friend. Let him deal with the kids for 2 days.

Use that time to think about going back to work. Baby is 15 weeks so you can go back in a couple of months, start looking now. Even if your income is eaten up by childcare, you need to think about your pension and financial independence.

May I ask why you had so many children with a man who didn’t want children?

@pissedoffmom could you just leave the house for an hour one weekend morning and let him handle it? Without telling him you’re going to I mean. So he can understand what you experience. Just because you no longer have a paying job doesn’t mean you are not working. Rather than focus on him not being present can you just say you are overwhelmed, tired and need help (and agree to pay a cleaner etc)? Of course you need help/a break - even if he doesn’t want to provide it himself. My Dad was self-employed, only took Sundays off and worked at home in the evenings doing prep but still helped my Mum? He’d never have watched her run herself into the ground 🙁

He sounds horrible.

My husband works away so I have to manage 2 kids (3.5y and 16m) on my own and work during the week and it’s bloody hard. BUT my husband more than makes up for it on a weekend when he is home, he’ll do the majority of bath/bedtime at the weekend, he gets up with the kids on a Sunday morning so I can get some extra sleep and he does everything he can to help me to get on top of housework/laundry, etc before he leaves again on Monday morning.

So unless your DH is doing more than his share on the weekend then he needs to pull his weight during the week.

Well then you only have yourself to blame. So he told you to leave and you had no mind of your own ? You just jump and ask how high? And then go on to have more kids with him, I'm absolutely certain he was like this from day 1. Time to make some decisions or just accept what you settled for.

OP, he's made it clear how he feels. He's not interested in you or the kids. He doesn't want to do any parenting. He sees you as the parent, cook, cleaner and all-round maid, and he's annoyed that you're asking for help because he doesn't want to help. He thinks you are there to serve him.

That's your situation. Now you have to get clear-headed about what you want to do about it. Forget all the 'he loves us, he's a good man' nonsense you've been telling yourself. He could not have made it any clearer that he doesn't love any of you enough to make even the smallest sacrifice for your wellbeing.

So what do you want to do? You have options, lots of them. But you'll need a clear head to work out what to do for the best.

wouldn't have married him if I knew life would be like this. But life was different back then. We were happy and not constantly arguing or in competition with each other over who is more tired or who has it harder

But you did know. You said you did everything back then too but only without kids/ with kids you didn't need him to pull his weight. He was the same ALL along. At least own that you knew it and ignored it.
Op you can only change it, or complain and be here again another child added to this mess.

You are in the trenches currently.

Now is not the time for him to be moaning he's hard done to. He's working all day, you are working all day. The problem is he doesn't see the value in what you do.

When he comes in it should be 50:50. If he has paperwork then obviously he need to do that but that can be worked round family stuff. Ideally you should both get a bit of time to sit and relax.

Well, if you aren't prepared to leave then your options are limited. But be clear that whatever your children feel about him now, he's setting a terrible example for them.

I just saw thi son fb and couldn't resist----

Is he my ex? Sounds just like him. He said when he came in from work he "deserved" a sit down for an hour rather than taking care of our toddler and baby. He expected dinner made for him and for me to make the dinner, tidy up and bath the kids. Oh and I didn't deserve a full night's sleep as that was my "job".

I binned him and found parenting 2 under 2 was much easier once I wasn't boiling with rage about him being a twat! And then I found a lovely man who immediately swept the kids away from me when he got in so I could have some much needed time without them clinging on to me.

I hope you are ok OP it sounds like you've got enough on without him not pitching in to help with his own children. Twat.

Oh so he doesn’t want his weekend bothered by paperwork OP?

I suppose you get time off at weekends from child-rearing do you?

Of course he is being unreasonable! He was rather involved in conceiving the baby after all!

I think in your shoes op, as soon as he gets home tomorrow night, I would take the baby and go and check yourself in to a premier inn and leave him with the other two and only return on Monday morning!

Sorry, but he’s an unreasonable arse!

Sorry that he’s speaking to you that way. My husband doesn’t run his own busy but has a full on job, I’m a SAHM with little kids all day. The awful comment that you are ‘punching’ because most men go to the pub after work is just so insulting to men…

My husband works long days, works away a lot overnight but absolutely always finishes work, gets changed and switches straight to Dad mode and it’s 50/50. We’re a team through all the difficult, stressful and exhausting moments that you speak of. You’re not wrong to feel absolutely insulted and infuriated with him.

I think your only route back is for him to apologise, because if he doesn’t, how can you move forward with someone that belittles your role in the home (how much does he thinks you’d both pay a nursery to look after 2 little one’s full time!) and the ‘you wanted them’ comment, he should feel ashamed and thankful the children didn’t hear. What an awful thing to say to you. Words can really damage a relationship, if he doesn’t repair this, this will always play in the back of your mind.

It sounds like he needs to do that paperwork, but why can’t he compromise, come home, be with the kids for an hour and a half let you breathe and then nip off to do the paperwork. He needs to or you will just be burnt out.

My ex also had this shitty opinion.
that is why he is now my ex

Sorry you are having such a hard time. My ex was like this - it took me a long time to leave but I’m much better off now without him.
my kids are grown up and have both chosen to have nothing to do with him because he was never there when they were growing up and yet has a weird idea that he was a great dad 🙄.
Tell him if he doesn’t put in the time and effort with looking after his children they won’t want to spend time with him when he either has time or wants to be involved. Both my kids literally laughed in his face when he suddenly wanted to be involved.
Good luck

Urgh

what made you have 3 kids with the sexist prick

Why on earth are you with this selfish shit? I get the school holidays off with my kids and it is never a break for me because there is a lot to do and you’re on your feet all day long, my DH works from home and hasn’t put holidays in this week so during the day it is all systems go until he finishes and does his bit. You must be exhausted. Parenting is a partnership and he should be mucking in.
He doesn’t respect you or your children and is avidly avoiding all responsibility and making it out to be your fault. For the sake of you and your little ones, leave this dickhead.