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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So I have to do all the parenting now

224 replies

pissedoffmom · 29/05/2024 06:38

Dh and I have 3 kids, dd10, dd1 and dd15weeks.
He runs a small business. The basic gist of of it is this, he thinks because he works all day and then has paperwork to do that I should do everything with the kids meaning he doesn't have to do anything but paperwork when he gets home on the evening. My argument is, I have them all day, and all night doing night feeds. I would like to be able to have a shower/bath in the evening once he's been home a couple of hours, had his dinner, kids are in pjs and settled. He thinks I should wait until they're all asleep.
He moans if I still have the dishwasher to load, washing to hang up, general bits of housework I haven't managed to catch up on during the day. It's usually just cleaning up after the dinner, washing bottles etc, nothing major, I'm still very much present, still here parenting.

Big row last night, he told me he isn't going to come home on the evening now until he's got his paperwork done. Meaning I have to look after the children on my own for even longer, and extra 2-3 hours. I don't think this is fair, am I in the wrong ? Our 1 year old doesn't sleep well alone, the routine is that he takes her up and settles her, and comes back down once she's asleep while I'm looking after the baby.
So if he doesn't come home, how am I supposed to get the toddler to sleep while I also have the baby ? And also have the 10 year old don't forget, they are pretty self sufficient these days but that's besides the point.

I feel pissed off because my day is bloody hard work as it is without being told he isn't going to help anymore, only "when he can" so he will parent when it suits him basically.
He asked why he can't get his paperwork done at points during the day, he said this isn't possible. I've offered to take the kids out on a Saturday for a few hours so he can have some quiet and get the work done, he said no as he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.

I was told last night that it was me who wanted the kids, he was happy before we had the little ones, he only did it to make me happy.
I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

Who's being unreasonable here ?

OP posts:
Mnk711 · 30/05/2024 23:46

Practical advice for bedtime alone if you are breast feeding baby - I take my toddler into her room and do stories etc with her whilst feeding baby, then lie on a comfy mat on the floor with baby still feeding whilst I sing toddler to sleep (or tell stories or whatever your routine is). I bath them both together, get baby ready for bed then get toddler ready for bed whilst chatting. Then the routine above. Generally works well. Good luck, the one comfort of your DH being so crap is you know for sure you can do it yourself because you already do.

Joco34 · 30/05/2024 23:52

My heart goes out to you. Sending you lots of hugs. Being a mum is so hard even at the best of times without mental health struggles. Please please share this load with somebody. It will do you no good to keep it all to yourself. No deserving father and husband would treat their wife this way, its appalling.

TotHappy · 30/05/2024 23:59

Have you managed to get them all to bed, OP?

TheBestEverMouse · 31/05/2024 00:01

I've read all your posts and honestly I don't think YABU.

Parenting is HARD! It's relentless. I get being self employed is hard but honestly I'd do it in a heartbeat rather than the relentless of a toddler and newborn plus autistic 10 year old.

Please reach out to your network for help and support. His attitude and behaviour aren't OK and you can't rely on him to make this better. If you're going to get through this and be able to do this on your own then you need to ask for help. No one will judge you.

UnicornMamma · 31/05/2024 00:09

So my husband is also self employed and it is tough to find any balance.

The short of it is that if he doesn't work and do those things it doesn't get done and doesn't make any money. It's tough but true.

I used to be really bitter about doing it all especially in busy seasons when he was away from home a lot but it is how it is when one of you is self employed.

Original poster
pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 06:36

He came home in the end, drunk, refused to talk about anything and went to bed. This morning he has gone to work, blamed me for him being late and putting him in that mood last night, said he can't cope with me the way I am, still won't answer if we're splitting up or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 07:55

I need some practical advice - what rights do I have ? We've been married less than 2 years so guessing I have none

OP posts:
WithACatLikeTread · 31/05/2024 08:10

pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 07:55

I need some practical advice - what rights do I have ? We've been married less than 2 years so guessing I have none

As long as you are married plenty of rights. The duration of your marriage isn't important.

Original poster
pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 08:14

@WithACatLikeTread do you know what rights I have ? He is self employed so will hide his earnings I know this much

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 31/05/2024 08:19

Of course he’s being unreasonable. He should be helping in the evening with dinner and getting the kids settled. If there’s time for you to have a shower too after all that’s done then it’s fair enough that he looks after the little ones whilst you do that. Just because you’re a SAHM / on Mat leave doesn't mean you do 100% of childcare and housework. He should either get the paperwork done during the day or wait until the kids are asleep. He’s massively unreasonable

Zanatdy · 31/05/2024 08:27

pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 08:14

@WithACatLikeTread do you know what rights I have ? He is self employed so will hide his earnings I know this much

Get any evidence you can re his earnings as yes he’s likely to hide earnings if you went to the CMS for maintenance. Life with young children is hard. It can feel like a competition who works the hardest and the person going out to work doesn’t realise the other parent resents they get child free time. It sounds to me like he isn’t enjoying parenthood and wants out. Of course he will blame you, but it’s not your fault

NarnianQueen · 31/05/2024 08:31

Sorry if this has already been addressed, but is there a reason why he can't wait till the kids are asleep for him to finish his paperwork?!

Original poster
pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 08:36

@Zanatdy will self assessment forms be okay ?

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 08:36

NarnianQueen · 31/05/2024 08:31

Sorry if this has already been addressed, but is there a reason why he can't wait till the kids are asleep for him to finish his paperwork?!

He says he is too tired at that point

OP posts:
WithACatLikeTread · 31/05/2024 08:40

Do you have savings? Not sure about the business but you would have a claim to the house if it is owned by you both if you are married.

Portfun24 · 31/05/2024 08:41

Wow what a bastard, my husband also has his own business and he'd do the quotes in the evening when it's not inconvenient, if that meant a Saturday morning or after the little ones were in bed then so be it. When they were babies and even to this day, we'd generally split making dinners. He helps out loads with the housework and done his fair share with the kids especially if I was sat feeding whoever was the baby at the time and he never ever goes to the pub and never has especially during the week.

Just sounds like he thinks he is above parenting or being a good husband.

Original poster
pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 08:41

WithACatLikeTread · 31/05/2024 08:40

Do you have savings? Not sure about the business but you would have a claim to the house if it is owned by you both if you are married.

No no savings but the house is mine, owned outright thank god

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 08:43

Portfun24 · 31/05/2024 08:41

Wow what a bastard, my husband also has his own business and he'd do the quotes in the evening when it's not inconvenient, if that meant a Saturday morning or after the little ones were in bed then so be it. When they were babies and even to this day, we'd generally split making dinners. He helps out loads with the housework and done his fair share with the kids especially if I was sat feeding whoever was the baby at the time and he never ever goes to the pub and never has especially during the week.

Just sounds like he thinks he is above parenting or being a good husband.

Your husband sounds great. He used to help a lot but it's more the last few weeks he's gone quite distant, I'm wondering if his heads been turned lately. But then I think when would he even have the time ! Or am I just being paranoid because I have post natal depression, it's hard to know what to believe anymore

OP posts:
AGlinnerOfHope · 31/05/2024 08:46

Ok. Unfortunately he could try for half of your house. That’s where the short marriage is helpful.

You need a damn good lawyer. Gather paper about his earnings, but of course he can always claim his business went down the pan after the split.

Try and organise yourself based on him not contributing. You will find it easier practically And emotionally without him there. Financially is different. You need advice. He will need to support himself as well, find somewhere to live he’ll have to pay for.

He isn’t required to support you but he should contribute to his DC.

INeedAPensieve · 31/05/2024 08:49

Hello the 1950s called they want their misogynist back!!!

Oh OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable at all. Also, although yes having a business is very important and your DH needs to work at it, what he said about not wanting the kids and you punching above your weight, no, that is awful and shows him up for who he is. Also, who are these men he knows going down the pub every night?! Unless that's just what he wishes he could do!

Either way he is not pulling his weight with his children, this is not an equal relationship and you need to have some serious discussions about where you stand. Good luck x

skinnyoptionsonly · 31/05/2024 09:01

pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 06:36

He came home in the end, drunk, refused to talk about anything and went to bed. This morning he has gone to work, blamed me for him being late and putting him in that mood last night, said he can't cope with me the way I am, still won't answer if we're splitting up or not.

Whether you are splitting up or not is not just his call you know. Don't give him the power here.

If it was me I'd be telling him he needed to move out asap.

I think your hunch about there being some one else is spot on.

He is setting it all up to blame you- you are making him late, you are putting him in a mood. Where's his part in it.

Original poster
pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 09:02

AGlinnerOfHope · 31/05/2024 08:46

Ok. Unfortunately he could try for half of your house. That’s where the short marriage is helpful.

You need a damn good lawyer. Gather paper about his earnings, but of course he can always claim his business went down the pan after the split.

Try and organise yourself based on him not contributing. You will find it easier practically And emotionally without him there. Financially is different. You need advice. He will need to support himself as well, find somewhere to live he’ll have to pay for.

He isn’t required to support you but he should contribute to his DC.

Annoyingly he has put money into the place doing it up, but I need a home for my children as I don't earn anywhere near as much as he does. I hope a judge would see that

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 31/05/2024 09:08

pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 06:36

He came home in the end, drunk, refused to talk about anything and went to bed. This morning he has gone to work, blamed me for him being late and putting him in that mood last night, said he can't cope with me the way I am, still won't answer if we're splitting up or not.

Sounds like he is trying to make it so you dont question him again.

Listengold · 31/05/2024 09:21

Just wait until he realises that if you split he will have to look after the children on his own, or is he not going to see them again.

Hugs to you OP.

Original poster
pissedoffmom · 31/05/2024 09:24

His reaction when I asked if he was cheating he flipped, said he can't believe I've accused him, how he's given him no reason to think this etc. but he is so adamant about not being around by our house doing this paperwork that I'm sure there must be something he's hiding, otherwise he would be like yes okay, I'll do it outside just don't disturb me etc something like that.
Something is off. I can feel it. But he says it's my mental health and that I'm crazy

OP posts: