So I have to do all the parenting now

[pissedoffmom]

Dh and I have 3 kids, dd10, dd1 and dd15weeks.
He runs a small business. The basic gist of of it is this, he thinks because he works all day and then has paperwork to do that I should do everything with the kids meaning he doesn't have to do anything but paperwork when he gets home on the evening. My argument is, I have them all day, and all night doing night feeds. I would like to be able to have a shower/bath in the evening once he's been home a couple of hours, had his dinner, kids are in pjs and settled. He thinks I should wait until they're all asleep.
He moans if I still have the dishwasher to load, washing to hang up, general bits of housework I haven't managed to catch up on during the day. It's usually just cleaning up after the dinner, washing bottles etc, nothing major, I'm still very much present, still here parenting.

Big row last night, he told me he isn't going to come home on the evening now until he's got his paperwork done. Meaning I have to look after the children on my own for even longer, and extra 2-3 hours. I don't think this is fair, am I in the wrong ? Our 1 year old doesn't sleep well alone, the routine is that he takes her up and settles her, and comes back down once she's asleep while I'm looking after the baby.
So if he doesn't come home, how am I supposed to get the toddler to sleep while I also have the baby ? And also have the 10 year old don't forget, they are pretty self sufficient these days but that's besides the point.

I feel pissed off because my day is bloody hard work as it is without being told he isn't going to help anymore, only "when he can" so he will parent when it suits him basically.
He asked why he can't get his paperwork done at points during the day, he said this isn't possible. I've offered to take the kids out on a Saturday for a few hours so he can have some quiet and get the work done, he said no as he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.

I was told last night that it was me who wanted the kids, he was happy before we had the little ones, he only did it to make me happy.
I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

Who's being unreasonable here ?

You'd be better off without him, sorry.

What an utter selfish, disrespectful arse. I hope HIS children never hear him say he didn't want the children & he only did it because you wanted them.

He's an asshole

Why on earth do you have three children???????

Did he suddenly become unreasonable after the first, second or third?????

Because right now it sounds like you've got too many children either one of you can cope with.

You both need to sit down and discuss it like grown ups.

Because you've got another 5 years before they start school.

Maybe weekends should be one mum-focus day and one-dad focus day.

Your only ace in the hole is that dad would not be able to cope if you split up and he had to look after them 50% of the time.

You really have to look around at family support, mother and toddler groups and any kind of support you can get.

But it sounds like both you and dh are exhausted and fed up and over-stretched and turning on each other.

Get daily routines in place for your children asap. Children pick up very easily on routines. Make sure your 1 year old has breakfast at a set time every morning. And a set bath and bed time. And set indoor/outdoor/watch children video play times.

Include the baby in your 1 year old's routines. Your 1 year old is the star of the routine show. And your baby will learn the routines and want to be included.

And maybe right now, make your husband focus on stacking the dishwasher, wiping down the kitchen, putting a load of laundry on - stuff that has to be done, but doesn't require any great skill.

Well he's leaving me. I thought we had sorted it out yesterday I said we will try his idea of him doing paperwork, I said be back by 6, he agreed but he won't do it around the house in our street, he wants to do it at this storage container he has, I don't understand why. I'm not well atm with my mental health, I have anxiety and ocd where I get instrusive thoughts suite bad distressing ones. I've got it into my head that he is seeing someone else, or something dodgy. I've brought that up and he flipped out, started looking for places to live, said he can't cope with me anymore, it's too much for him and he's fucked off and left me with the kids

Lock the door behind him.

To be honest, it sounds like he was going to leave you anyway and was waiting for a way to blame you

I think that too. I think he wasn't happy and this is his excuse to go

This is a hard one for me because your set up is just so different from my own. Whether he worked or not I would never be OK with a partner not doing housework, washing dishes after work or running a hoover around won't kill you. Surely in a marriage you are working for the collective good your family so you each have a share of the load. Being home you do the majority of the childcare but it should never have been too much to ask that he chip in when he got home. Nis not wanting to spend time with his kids after being out all day was a major red flag. You can't return your kids and if he really didn't want a 3rd he should have said so. Nothing you can do about that now. I would focus on your mental health, see your GP. I'd then look to see if you can afford a cleaner. I've seen your update that he's left but that might not be permanent.

You need to get some support from family and friends in the short term. You then need to speak to him honestly both state your concerns and see if there is a way forward for you or not.

I've tried it's all my fault, he won't see anything from my side

I'm fucking devastated though. I've got an autistic 10 year old sobbing their heart out as they don't know wtf is going on and I don't know what to say. I've got a baby asleep on me and a toddler in the high chair asleep who will definitely wake up in a minute kicking off wtf am I meant to do

I’m so sorry, he’s just decided to leave it all to you as it’s difficult. For tonight have you any friends/family that can come around and help?

Hi op,

gentle hug hun.

Him.

well, option1: he can find one of this unicorn « doing it all without complaining » and he can pay for the kids « he didn’t want and he just did it for you ». Sure the judge will like this one!

Option 2: you put your 1 year old to bed and take your 15weeks old and go out. To a friend if possible for a long bath. Whatever the 10years old want, he/she can ask daddy. He might revise his speech to his child.

I am sorry. It really is awful. Some men in family stress are just not coping!

Use the time while your younger two are sleeping to soothe your eldest child, tell them that you've got this and things are going to be okay. Fake it till you make it. Can you throw up a flair to friends or family for a bit of support?

Hugs OP. Have you any family or friends to help. He is a dick. You deserve better.

I don't want to tell anyone yet, I think I'm in shock he's actually gone

Please don’t feel embarrassed! I am in a VERY similar situation as you with my partner; we have 3 boys aged 7, 4 & 2 and I’m a SAHM. 2 year old is with me 24/7, 4yo part time nursery and I cannot keep up with the housework at all. I try to run the hoover around as much as I can, keep the kitchen clean and the rest is a true miracle if I can get it done! I feel like I am on the go constantly but get nowhere! My partner works 4 days a week max, leaves at a good time in the morning and gets home at a good time but will say things like “what would you do if I wasn’t here?” If I ask for his help, as I did today when I was trying to make 3 different lunches for the boys, hang wet washing out, unload the dishwasher and keep my youngest out of harms way in the kitchen! He hasn’t worked since last Wednesday, so I was fuming with that response today! You ARE here, so help! Regardless of whether someone works and is the breadwinner, they should pull their weight at home and help with the kids. Being a SAHM is A LOT, my partner can’t cope for just a few hours with them on his own, however I’m expected to do it 24/7 as well as the house stuff on top, which he doesn’t touch if he has the boys?! I get you, OP, I really do. Here if you want to chat!! 🧡

Im sorry you are going through this OP.

Try and talk this through with a trusted friend or family member as it might help you to process what is happening and they might offer you some support to help get you through this.

I understand it's difficult to talk about it, especially if you are a private person and don't like to share your struggles, but it might help you.

My first LTB.

I am sorry that you feel so tired having 2 babies is a lot it would obviously have been easier with a bigger age perhaps your DH is also overhelmed and is unable to deal with it. Hopefully he will come to his senses

Oh op I’m so sorry, do you have people to talk to? Mum/Dad, sibling, friend etc? I really think you need some help at the moment and you’re obviously not going to get it from him.

Has he come home?

Wow what a tosser 😳 I'm wondering why you've had 3 children with him to be honest! He sounds awful 😖 of course he should be doing his fair share of childcare when he's home. He can do his paperwork when the kids are in bed.

I hope you have some support, family or friends you can lean on when you’re ready to talk about it?
On the plus side the rubbish has taken itself out. You’ve been doing a great job without him the last 4 months and I’m sure you will continue to cope. And this way you can use his child support to get yourself a weekly cleaner and maybe a monthly babysitter so you can go out and stretch your legs/relax/have a spa day.

Just to play devils advocate: if he doesn't get his paperwork done and his business suffers, wouldn't that be a worse situation to be in? If his business fails, then you're all in the shitter.

I actually think he needs more time on his own with the baby. I thought reading your first post that it sounded like he hadn't bonded with the new arrival and your follow up confirmed it. Paternity leave is woeful and if he's self employed he won't have had much time off, you allude to having gone through a lot to have your baby so perhaps he has trauma associated with that, memories of birth trauma or other loss, with a business to run and two other kids and perhaps you breastfeeding he likely hasn't spent much time caring for the baby. But he needs to.

He's an absolute piece of shit. Hang on in there, OP, you can get through this. We're all rooting for you.