So I have to do all the parenting now

[pissedoffmom]

Dh and I have 3 kids, dd10, dd1 and dd15weeks.
He runs a small business. The basic gist of of it is this, he thinks because he works all day and then has paperwork to do that I should do everything with the kids meaning he doesn't have to do anything but paperwork when he gets home on the evening. My argument is, I have them all day, and all night doing night feeds. I would like to be able to have a shower/bath in the evening once he's been home a couple of hours, had his dinner, kids are in pjs and settled. He thinks I should wait until they're all asleep.
He moans if I still have the dishwasher to load, washing to hang up, general bits of housework I haven't managed to catch up on during the day. It's usually just cleaning up after the dinner, washing bottles etc, nothing major, I'm still very much present, still here parenting.

Big row last night, he told me he isn't going to come home on the evening now until he's got his paperwork done. Meaning I have to look after the children on my own for even longer, and extra 2-3 hours. I don't think this is fair, am I in the wrong ? Our 1 year old doesn't sleep well alone, the routine is that he takes her up and settles her, and comes back down once she's asleep while I'm looking after the baby.
So if he doesn't come home, how am I supposed to get the toddler to sleep while I also have the baby ? And also have the 10 year old don't forget, they are pretty self sufficient these days but that's besides the point.

I feel pissed off because my day is bloody hard work as it is without being told he isn't going to help anymore, only "when he can" so he will parent when it suits him basically.
He asked why he can't get his paperwork done at points during the day, he said this isn't possible. I've offered to take the kids out on a Saturday for a few hours so he can have some quiet and get the work done, he said no as he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.

I was told last night that it was me who wanted the kids, he was happy before we had the little ones, he only did it to make me happy.
I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

Who's being unreasonable here ?

The comments about me wanting the children and that I should feel grateful he even comes home in the evening are sadly not new to me.

5 years on he's better now and parenting does feel more like teamwork - but those early years and the many comments similar to the above have really damaged our relationship and made me lose an awful lot of respect for him.

In conversations since, my husband has admitted that he wasn't ready for the reality of parenthood - neither was I but I had to step up.

I'd suggest you have an open and frank conversation with him. No raised voices, try not to get upset, but let him know how he acts now could have long lasting consequences for your marriage.

The early years are hard and you need to feel supported and get help from the other person who is also responsible for your children.

It's all about survival when you are in those newborn trenches. Don't be worrying about your house! He's a fud, and doesn't have a clue.

I had one like this. He too told me that because I was the one who 'wanted to kids' it was my problem to solve (he was quite happy to make them and never raised any objections at the time).

I'm afraid I divorced him. Unless he has an epiphany this is who he is. It's hard but my life was easier in some ways without him.

My partner isn't the fsther of my first. Not once has he said its my problem alone becuase I wanted DS despite the fact he had nothing to do with his conception. I'm currently getting ready in peace in the bathroom listening to them playing. He's going to work all day today and then come home and play with DS most of the evening. With the new toys he got for his birthday today (DP not DS) no mention of pissing off to the pub. He has never once complained about the cleanliness of the house when he gets home from work despite me only having a toddler to look after.

No. You are not punching. Maybe you would have been doing average 70 years ago. But there is no time period that he would be an above average father or husband.

Let him walk a day in your shoes. He doesn't realise how exhausting it is as he's not done it before. Not fully.

Give him a list of things you do on a daily basis and let him do them all on day Saturday (if he doesn't work that day so he can see you're not sitting in your area doing bugger all) and see how he feels at the end if it.

If he has any good ideas on better ways to do things as he goes about your daily workload then he can let you know.

Then during the night wake him each time you feed. He needs to see what your day looks like.

As for him not bothered about kids, you should have thought about that before you made them mate.

He sounds like an entitled prick. He needs to do more of an evening not less. If he can't see that then get childcare prices ready and tell him you're going back to work and he can do half the dishes, hoovering etc.

I think you may find like many pricks he's a lazy selfish individual who isn't interested in you or your day and just wants a warm body to cuddle up next to without accepting the consequences from his choices.

He's fucking horrible. I do wonder why though someone with a horrible husband who works all hours with his own business and who didn't really want kids, who also gets serious mental health complications when having babies would choose to have 3. Obviously you can't take it back and I'm sure it will be worth it in the end but I wonder why women make their lives so fucking hard.

Jesus, you shouldn't have to work this hard to get a bath, op.

What was he like when you just had 2 children? Has this attitude arrived out of the blue? Maybe you both could be a bit kinder to each other. A calm discussion about how life could be improved for everyone might be a way forward. Perhaps if you both agreed to do one thing to make life easier?

I am embarrassed for these men. I would love for him to be spoken to by people like my 55y husband and our male friends who have shared all childcare and domestic duties. They would think he was beyond contempt.

Who the hell does he think he is? No job is that important.

What are your skills/earning potential for when the babies are a bit older? You need to plan for a single life now.

I'd have a day where I felt awfully awfully sick and needed him to take over for a couple of days and see what he thinks then

I just hope OP doesn’t come back and say oh well he is a great dad etc like many do when their partners are criticised. Decent fathers are good role models and care for their spouses.

Paperwork is also work. So if he still has that to do, he's still working. You don't say what type of work it is but I imagine e.g. a builder, they might get home early (all our builders finish at 3pm 🤣) but the paperwork / admin etc. and quotes for new work need doing.

And I think he's right that you can wait until the kids are in bed to have a shower rather than disappear when he gets home.

Aside from that, his comments are repulsive. Everyone says things in the heat of the moment but saying you are "punching" is rude.

Do you work? He sounds quite resentful to me. I wonder whether he's stressed about being the sole breadwinner and keeping work coming in, particularly if he's self employed. In the same way, he needs to put himself in your shoes, you also need to in his. Get a job when you've finished mat leave and then throw money at cleaners etc. You'll be in a better position financially yourself too.

A lot of what you've said resonates with what my own situation was like back then (boys much older now). I was sinking and he didn't give a frigging fuck. Staying at work late, business trips overseas often - working all weekend doing 'paperwork'!! It drove me me nuts .. Until one day I decided to pull up my big girl pants and get the fuck on with it, never included him in our plans, organised myself with a strict routine and basically did it all. I was a single mother with a source of income (and I held down a part time job remotely)! I have two teens now, my stbexh is so lonely (his words).. I have amazing boys who respect their mother and see what a strong woman I am - I'm raising them to share the load, help with chores and be respectful of women. Your husband clearly thinks it's all women's work and parenting is one sided - just like mine did. He either steps up to help or fucks off! Throwing it in your face, telling you that you do nothing all day is really belittling you. Maybe plan a day where you walk out the door at 8am and stay out all day.. see how he copes! I know how you feel and you have my sympathy, there were days when I didn't think I'd be able to take anymore but somehow I did. Keep going, you have two very young babies to care for, that's not easy by anyone's standards! Sending love and strength your way x

I have paperwork to do in the evenings (teacher) and I do it after the kids are in bed. Most people who parent and have work to do outside of normal work hours do that. The problem isn't paperwork at all.

The attitude he has of not having wanted the kids is the problem and I don't think my relationship could recover from that. I was the one who particularly wanted children in my relationship too, but I don't think I could keep them in a family where they were unwanted. I'd be getting my ducks in a row, OP.

Is he having an affair?

I am absolutely fuming about the comment you are punching, I’m afraid I would say, there’s also husbands who help with parenting, get up at night with baby just to give the mother a break, it takes 2 to have a baby. I sincerely hope he helps out more of a weekend. I remember arguing with my DH in the first few weeks, nothing either of us could do was right by each other, it is so hard, but surely he knows it’s not forever and you need to work together to get through the early stages, staying on at work isn’t fair.

I’d be very careful about divorcing him though, as he runs his own business and sounds like a dickhead, he’ll probably fiddle it so that he pays the bare minimum CMS. Did you work before kids? Obviously you’ll be on mat leave now but have you got money of your own?

What business does he have that requires hours of paperwork after hours every day? What is all this paperwork? Is he doing it really inefficiently?

He's running his own business financially supporting a family of 5.....big gap between your eldest and the 2 babies so conscious decision to have 2 small children close together...and you already said he does the bedtime for the 1 year old. I get your tired and frustrated I really do but if you want to go to work full time and run a business being the sole breadwinner then maybe try it before moaning about him??

he thinks I do fuck all all day

Well, if you do nothing, he won't miss your input while you go off and have a bath, will he?

I get your tired and frustrated I really do but if you want to go to work full time and run a business being the sole breadwinner then maybe try it before moaning about him??
Excellent idea. Do this. Go off to work and stop doing all child care and house work. It won't be your problem or responsibility anymore when you get the big important job.

Are you taking the piss? I don't know if this is sarcasm or not...
He might do the bedtime (and he still moans about that btw!) but I do everything else. Bedtime is the least he can do really.

I disappear after about two hours. After making his tea, the kids tea, feeding baby, putting pjs on toddler, loading dishwasher, cleaning up after tea. Washing bottle. He doesn't have to do anything, it's all set up for him to sit on the sofa.

No I don't work anymore, it was his idea for me to leave work to be here for the children, which I am. When I did work I still did all the housework etc

Think of how much less you'd have to do if he wasn't making dishes dirty and clogging up the washing machine with his clothes.

Get him in the bin!