So I have to do all the parenting now

[pissedoffmom]

Dh and I have 3 kids, dd10, dd1 and dd15weeks.
He runs a small business. The basic gist of of it is this, he thinks because he works all day and then has paperwork to do that I should do everything with the kids meaning he doesn't have to do anything but paperwork when he gets home on the evening. My argument is, I have them all day, and all night doing night feeds. I would like to be able to have a shower/bath in the evening once he's been home a couple of hours, had his dinner, kids are in pjs and settled. He thinks I should wait until they're all asleep.
He moans if I still have the dishwasher to load, washing to hang up, general bits of housework I haven't managed to catch up on during the day. It's usually just cleaning up after the dinner, washing bottles etc, nothing major, I'm still very much present, still here parenting.

Big row last night, he told me he isn't going to come home on the evening now until he's got his paperwork done. Meaning I have to look after the children on my own for even longer, and extra 2-3 hours. I don't think this is fair, am I in the wrong ? Our 1 year old doesn't sleep well alone, the routine is that he takes her up and settles her, and comes back down once she's asleep while I'm looking after the baby.
So if he doesn't come home, how am I supposed to get the toddler to sleep while I also have the baby ? And also have the 10 year old don't forget, they are pretty self sufficient these days but that's besides the point.

I feel pissed off because my day is bloody hard work as it is without being told he isn't going to help anymore, only "when he can" so he will parent when it suits him basically.
He asked why he can't get his paperwork done at points during the day, he said this isn't possible. I've offered to take the kids out on a Saturday for a few hours so he can have some quiet and get the work done, he said no as he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.

I was told last night that it was me who wanted the kids, he was happy before we had the little ones, he only did it to make me happy.
I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

Who's being unreasonable here ?

So he had three children he didn’t really want, to ‘please you’? How ridiculously irresponsible. He thought he could have three children and then absolve himself of all responsibility because he didn’t really want them? Does he think the kids will be sympathetic to that stance when they’re older, or will they resent him and see him for the awful father he is?

Letting him walk a mile in your shoes wouldn't make the slightest difference. He already doesn't want to be a parent. Spending a day seeing that it's hard work looking after the kids all day would make him want to help even less.

When I did work I still did all the housework etc

So you knew he was an idle, sexist waste of space all along then? Sorry OP - this is who he is. He's not going to change.

There's a wrong thought. Fallacious. You should be able to manage the house IF YOU HAD A STAFF. The only advice I have for you is to pay for all the help you need. Cleaner. Ironing lady. Gardener. Nursery. Babysitter.

So he happily ejaculated into your vagina, knowing full well it might result in a pregnancy, but apparently having kids was entirely down to you. That's some misogyny right there. And there's a whole lot more around what you do. I would be tempted to up and leave him with the kids for a week, just so he could discover how much is on your plate.

My DH ran his own business. The paperwork thing is BS, a handy excuse not to get involved with his kids/housework. I absolutely think you should get out of this marriage, but you need to be very canny when it comes to finding out about the finances as it's very easy to hide money in a business.

I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

The standards here have fallen below the floor. A lot of men care about their families and are active, equal participants in family life.

Don't stand for this. Keep standing up to him. Go on strike. Stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing. Don't do any admin for him e.g. his family's birthdays etc. And honestly I would look into getting a divorce. He can't just get a free pass through life with no responsibilities outside of his job.

Have you got a spare room with its own door? Ever considered getting an au pair? This is how I managed to do my teacher training with three small ones. Was £65 a week (admittedly in 2005.) My exh was self employed and my life was incredibly similar to yours. The only help I had with beds/baths was on a Saturday night. He stayed away from early morning till 9pm.

Hes awful . I was in a similar position to you op. It was awful. My 2 youngest were similar gap to yours. Plus i had other children. Both of them used to wake up at different times during the night. So I wasn't sleeping at night. Busy all day with house, kids ,school runs . Then dinner etc . It was awful I was on my knees . Even at weekends he did nothing. He never changed a nappy in all the time they were in nappys. He never made/ gave them a bottle. Oh he done the bit of sitting them on his knee and a bit of baby talking so he looked like a great dad.

When I asked him for some help he snapped at me about he works etc etc. His mum backed him up to. When we broke up i felt a massive weight lift. I felt like I had less pressure on me. Things were easier. I felt so much better in myself. He's treating you really badly and you do not deserve it. If he needs looking after like a child then he needs to go home to his mother.

Put your foot down because things won't change . He only cares about himself. You need to care about you. Because he won't 💐

This.

Oh and also,

most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours.

Um no. They don't. I don't know any men with families who "fuck off to the pub for hours" after work.

I tend to shower and do self care when dcs are in bed, I think that's fairly normal tbh. But DH always helps as soon as he comes through the door, we take one child each for bath and bed time rather than have one parent having to juggle both. We have a bigger age gap which makes it more manageable (eldest is in school now so I am home with one child most days), I couldn't have coped with such a small gap. DH often empties the dishwasher and hangs laundry as I'm often out of the house all day with the toddler. Our youngest sleeps through now but he often got up with them during the night, even when she was breastfeeding. At weekends we have an equal split and he takes the eldest out to activities and we go for family day trips where we often take one child each so each gets some dedicated adult time. I think that's the norm in my social circle, whether one parent is a sahm (as I am) or not. It's good that you are paying into a pension, I pay into my own pension using family money (as all money is shared). As he is self employed he could employ you to do some admin for the business and then increase the amount you are able to pay into a pension, which will be more tax efficient for you as a household.

I do my admin and paperwork when my dcs are in bed too. For me it's about maximising their awake time so they can get some one to one attention.

I am curious what he does that requires 15 hours of paperwork a week? As is always the case you should both get the same amount of downtime and I bet he has considerably more. Even the nature of his work is more relaxing. I think few people with own business (talking from experience) would ever do 2-3 hours of paperwork straight through. More likely 1 hour then 10 minutes scrolling/messaging a friend then another 1 hour then 10 minutes YouTube etc.

Bottom line is he doesn’t sound like he wants to contribute or adjust his life one iota from when you had 1 kid instead of 3 kids. It seems hes not being a patent to the younger two at all. Sounds like you either need some paid childcare to keep you sane and/or a divorce because he’s a piss taker.

What a knob. The last bit is utterly pathetic too. You should grateful that he even comes home because lots of men go to the pub. Is that the standard women should accept and be thankful for!? Don’t put up with it!

Im sorry but I agree with others that hes checked out of family life and just wants to live as if hes single. Aside from not being a parent hes also saying horrible things like he only did it to make you happy and that you are punching which is just so horrible and would be the deal breaker for me tbh. Theres nothing more unattractive than a man who doesnt parent his children and thinks hes too good for his partner but cant contribute to the household or to family life. Chuck him back where he came from and seriously consider your options because it sounds like he doesnt plan on changing unfortunately.

Lazy man.

A job is no excuse not to parent the children YOU made and contribute to the household YOU live in.

You must be exhausted OP. I'm sorry x

What a twat.

Just think how much more time you’d have to yourself if you split and he actually had to parent during access time….

I mean you’d also not have his washing / cleaning / cooking to do….

Is this his second marriage? It would explain a lot if so.

I think you should focus on what your single life would look like. When feasibly could you look for work? What would you do about childcare? Your partner has told you out loud he doesn’t care about being a dad and isn’t planning to bother about it. I’d tell his family and yours and start thinking really hard and not about how to get the washing done.

Mate - so he has checked out. Useless and whingey dad using work to hide behind.

you need to put yourself first. He is not going to.

Get a cleaner
start looking at getting a job for your own money.
can you declutter or get family help round to give you a break?

think long term. The kids aren’t little for long, what can you do today to help your future self ?

Is he actually doing paperwork or watching movies on his laptop to avoid having to help with the kids.....

My DH was similar when DC were babies. Especially the line ‘but you wanted to have children’. What a prick! 😠

That all changed when he became seriously ill and had to have chemo for 6 months. It was very hard at the time as I was looking after 2 v young kids and him too and was seriously worried I’d end up a widow, but we got through it.

Thankfully, his health scare made him re-evaluate everything and we moved house when he got better, no mortgage and living on a much lower income. I wfh part-time. He’s been far more hands on and organised play dates for DC friends and made camp fires, built dens etc.

He’s definitely improved a lot and hangs out the washing, sorts it and puts it away, general tidying etc. but he still hates cooking and hoovering…! 😂

Advice? I think you need to feign illness for a few days and leave him to cope. He might ‘get it’ then?

I think baby number three was probably a step too far for both of you right now. You already had a very young child plus an older one and when he gets home from work you're both already exhausted - he's still got paperwork to do, there are the kids to get ready for bed and it's all too much.

Splitting up when you have a young baby it a terrible idea IMO. Things will get easier as they get older. Right now is the hardest time. Personally I think one of the key things he needs to do though is stop moaning if things aren't perfect when he gets home. To me that is really the straw that is breaking the camel's back. Could you agree that he stops that and you agree a slot where he gets the paperwork done?

What happens at the weekend? Is he more hands on then?

I had 2 very close together, the first year was very hard. When my DH came home from work his first thing every day was to check the dishwasher and see if I had had anything to eat and drink through the day. There was trouble if I hadn't. We did baths and bedtime together then he did a quick tidy while I sorted our meal. Then he cleared up after the meal. If your DH is so busy that he doesn't have time to do his paperwork then presumably he's earning well so get a cleaner. I had one and that 1 good clean each week made a world of difference to me

Sounds like my ex. You're already a single parent, he doesn't value or appreciate you. He doesn't care that you are struggling and see that you need some help, whereas you offer alternatives to support him. He just wants to live his life and have the kids and wife at home when he deems you all fit to be worthy of his presence.
He's not a team player.
This behaviour eventually led me to having anxiety and depression, and it got worse when our second was born.
Consider your future, do you want to in effect be a single parent but in a relationship with a man who dictates what you do and when you do it?
Or do you want to be single parent where you create a safe home for you and your children where you are all safe and not judged on a daily basis?
I went for option two. Coparenting is definitely a struggle, it has been hell at times in my situation and I'm not long in to it. But I am so much happier, the kids are happier. And actually when the kids now see their dad they get a dad who gives them his attention and they have more quality time now than they ever did when we lived together.

But I would suggest trying couples counselling as a safe place to share both points of view. Having a young baby always affects a relationship. Worth a shot. If this is the route you try then start getting things sorted for you. A part time job, a little savings pot of money that he knows nothing about, get a hobby where once a week you have to leave the house and he needs to deal with all three children on his own and don't get things ready for him before you leave.

I think you both sound knackered and frustrated.....and some things he has said are just horrible

Having three kids.....two of which are very young is hard work. He is supporting five people financially. You are doing everything else. Something has to give.....

I think it might be good to try and look at the situation objectively. Do you need to hire some help from 6 to 8 each night mon to thur? Does your husband need someone to do his admin for three or four hours once a week?

In a few years time it will get easier......give yourself a pat on the back OP.......you are just struggling under difficult circumstances x

Leave him. Either for a weekend with all 3 kids and let him deal with it. Or actually leave him cause he’s a right wanker.