So I have to do all the parenting now

[pissedoffmom]

Dh and I have 3 kids, dd10, dd1 and dd15weeks.
He runs a small business. The basic gist of of it is this, he thinks because he works all day and then has paperwork to do that I should do everything with the kids meaning he doesn't have to do anything but paperwork when he gets home on the evening. My argument is, I have them all day, and all night doing night feeds. I would like to be able to have a shower/bath in the evening once he's been home a couple of hours, had his dinner, kids are in pjs and settled. He thinks I should wait until they're all asleep.
He moans if I still have the dishwasher to load, washing to hang up, general bits of housework I haven't managed to catch up on during the day. It's usually just cleaning up after the dinner, washing bottles etc, nothing major, I'm still very much present, still here parenting.

Big row last night, he told me he isn't going to come home on the evening now until he's got his paperwork done. Meaning I have to look after the children on my own for even longer, and extra 2-3 hours. I don't think this is fair, am I in the wrong ? Our 1 year old doesn't sleep well alone, the routine is that he takes her up and settles her, and comes back down once she's asleep while I'm looking after the baby.
So if he doesn't come home, how am I supposed to get the toddler to sleep while I also have the baby ? And also have the 10 year old don't forget, they are pretty self sufficient these days but that's besides the point.

I feel pissed off because my day is bloody hard work as it is without being told he isn't going to help anymore, only "when he can" so he will parent when it suits him basically.
He asked why he can't get his paperwork done at points during the day, he said this isn't possible. I've offered to take the kids out on a Saturday for a few hours so he can have some quiet and get the work done, he said no as he doesn't want to spend his weekends doing it.

I was told last night that it was me who wanted the kids, he was happy before we had the little ones, he only did it to make me happy.
I was also told I am punching with him, most men don't come home each night and fuck off to the pub for hours. Or some work away all week and some women do it all alone all the time.

Who's being unreasonable here ?

I just don't know how he would've even had the time to meet someone! He works then comes home

He’s either got another woman, or he’s being a cunt so you learn your place and stop bothering him. To teach you to put up and shut up.

Either way this would be it for me. Find your anger. How dare he treat you and the kids like this. You will be fine X

Atm I'm calm, I've taken some diazepam or I'll be having a breakdown in front of the kids and I can't do that

Youve actually no idea what he does. You only think he works then comes straight home because that is what he tells you he does.

been on mumsnet years. We have had threads about men who have affairs at lunch time, take Unknown to wife days off, have a standard pattern of work so when they change it to fit in a mistress their wife doesnt notice. I personally know one man whose had a mistress almost as long as he has been married. His mistress travels with him when he needs to for work. He sees her regularly. But he genuinely does work very late some days so it isnt out of character.

Married less than 2 years and it's your house?

Get legal advice immediately to get him out. Hopefully, short enough time where he won't have much of a claim to any of it.

Ask him to go. Tell him you're done.

I don't even know him and I can tell you he's 100% going to do this .. what a shitbag.

There's always one.

OP I ran a business with my husband when we had young kids, getting the balance was always a massive struggle. The demands and struggles of being solely responsible for the business, staff, your own income, no employment rights, very little support (none at times), feeling stressed and isolated. Then balancing family life with kids, not being able to take them away for years due to the business, going to work with kids in tow, missing assemblies due to staff issues and no one else to step in. Christ, it was hell on earth, after 12 years I'm pleased we're both out of it.
Both struggles, the family side and the business side were just as valid as each other but for very different reasons, both however, did leave is anxious and isolated. We struggled with both together, you both are doing one each, both your issues are very valid and yes the demands and needs you both have are clashing, but neither of you is right or wrong due to this.
I nearly left a few times and we had some right old slanging matches too!, I look back and it still makes me anxious and angry when I think about it, BUT it will pass, one way or another, just don't disregard his stresses over yours, both your stresses are equally valid as each other's and are equally as important as I said. Getting the balance right is hard anyway between work and home life, this can increase significantly with self-employment/business owner due to lack of rights and sole responsibility. Hope you both get through it, we did, so there is hope,

Then kick him out. Fucking hell, he is a pig.

And you aren't punching. I work part time and today is my day off. Our child is in a club today (for fun) and when I came down with DD he had done the dishwasher, put the laundry on and made her lunch and packed her bag before he'd left for his shift so all I had to do was feed her and get her out the door. (I pull my weight in other ways). My point is that there are men that want kids who are all in.

Your husband doesn't deserve you or his family And to be completely blunt, he is telling you he doesn't want to be a family man. Unless you walk out for a day and leave the kids woth him to make a point or take a full time job that pays tbe same as him and tell him its now 5050 parenting, you would probably find more peace going it alone.

You aren't crazy. You can drag the horse to water, you can't make it want to be a good dad and husband.

So sorry to hear about all this OP. My XH left me with 2 kids after 10 years marriage/20years together. Check out The Legal Queen on FB/Insta or TikTok. She has some great advice. https://www.facebook.com/TheLegalQueeen. She also says that in divorce the needs of the children come first.

Why did he have 3 children if he doesn't want to be involved in looking after them? Can you find a reason to need to be away from home one day so he gets to experience exactly what it is like doing a full night and day of childcare with no support? Bonus points if you come home and complain about everything he hasn't done round the house during that time (yes I'm petty). Some men only seem to learn if they experience it for themselves. And even then it is sometimes a lost cause. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Just read through your posts, OP, in horror. What an absolute shitbag of a man, those comments are unforgivable in my eyes. Someone might say that about a pet, but not your own children, that's grotesque!

Atm you're living like a single mum BUT with a crap bloke who is letting you down relentlessly - he is actually the hardest part of your life right now, the bit that makes you feel the worst. The rest of it you have a handle on AND you own the house! Being a single mum is hard but you can clearly do it & it will be better for your mental health to not also be suffering his degrading bullshit. So much of your energy is currently spent on feeling unloved & unsupported & you're reminded of that every single day.

He's a grotty manchild & you'll be far better without him around. Whether he's seeing someone else or is just a cunt is irrelevant, he's making your life worse by existing in it.

Have you got family you can turn to?

Hi OP
It’s so overwhelming and you’re in shock. Just one foot in front of the other for today. When you feel able to, gather as much paperwork as you can regarding his business whilst he believes you’ll put up with this abuse.
Look to see what benefits you’re entitled to as a single parent: https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators
My EXH left me with three children, two severely autistic. I was surprised at what I was entitled to. If your eldest has any access to DLA, then you will get a little more in benefits to support you with her needs.
You will feel better one day. Not now but later. I am in a really good place now; it’s easier because I did everything anyway and resented his refusal to involve himself in family life.
Cheering you on. You are stronger than you think.

OP, my best advice is to stop thinking about what your husband is or isn't doing. He's made himself clear. He's not going to do any parenting, and if you push the issue, he'll threaten to leave and bully you until you stop pushing. He doesn't want to spend any time with his family and it's highly likely he's having an affair. That's the situation.

What you need to do is start being super practical. You know he's going to try to fuck you over financially. So get a shit hot lawyer, get your ducks in a row, do everything you can to safeguard your and your kids' futures.

You're going to have to be cold-hearted and clear-eyed about this. Time for sorrow and grieving later, when you're all safe and sorted. Trust me, I know it's not easy. But draw upon your inner resources. We're all here backing you.

You're all right I know you are. I'm just struggling. I'm weak and my head isn't in the right place at the moment for this. I think I either need to boot him out and mean it, or stick with him to protect myself and kids for when the inevitable happens.

You are not weak. You are struggling to process new information.

If you were weak you wouldn’t have challenged him at all, just accepted that his needs are more important than yours.

You have to put yourself first as no one else will.

Don't do anything rush, think carefully before you act. Can you try marriage consulting.

You're not weak. You've got 2 under 2 and a husband who is abusing you.

This is not easy, and it wouldn't be easy for anyone.

Of course you can choose to stay with him if you think that is the best way to protect yourself and your kids. But you can start to make an exit plan. Sort out finances, save money, get a job when you're ready. Find friends and supportive people so that you have a safety net. Maybe have some counselling or therapy so your mental health gets some support (NOT with your husband - it is not advised to have couples counselling when one partner is abusive.)

He might leave you in the meantime, but I'd bet money that his walking out is purely to scare you into submission. He's a bully and the more you don't do what you're told, the more he's likely to get angry and try to bring you back into line.

Whatever you decide to do, the key is to emotionally detach from your husband. He does not love or value you. He treats you like his servant. He wants nothing to do with his kids or with family life. You deserve so much better than him. So find some resources, friends, books, whatever you need to be able to detach from him emotionally. You'll be able to make much clearer decisions once you're out from under the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and gaslighting.

You definitely are not weak. You are amazing just keeping going with 2 under 2 and a 10yo with autism. That's not for the faint hearted before you add on your Dick head Dh.

His response to you asking about cheating is telling in my opinion.
I'm sorry you are in this position.

Keep doing what you need to do to survive. I hope he's not being a cunt tonight

Sounds to me like he’s had lighting you….
He didn’t want the kids?? What a FKN arse hole thing to say!!

He can’t handle you how you are ? Oh because he’s SUCH a delight for you to be around!! (You’ve JUST had HIS baby & have PND!!) … he’s an arse!!
PLEASE get yourself to the doctors this week @pissedoffmom & ask for some help with your MH! (If you haven’t already!)
oit if interest at weekends does he do half?? Or is that HIS days off?

You say the house is yours? You’re married… will he try to claim a share of your house? Or did you do some sort of prenup?

I feel like you’re a married SINGLE parent!!

Just remember the longer you ‘stick with him’ the more share of the house he’ll be entitled to!

But he says it's my mental health and that I'm crazy

Are you sure he’s not causing your current mental health state? I’d feel depressed too with 2 children under 2 and an autistic older child plus a husband who thinks ‘I do nothing’…

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Sending you hugs x

How are you doing, @pissedoffmom ?
Did you survive the weekend?

I'm so sorry about all this shit for you.

See how much you can find out about his income and make copies of everything you can.

He is checking out on the marriage and fatherhood because he is a low-life asshole who only cares about his own life.

This Saturday, get up before anyone else and leave the house. Text your NVDH and tell him you will be back at 6 p.m. for dinner/tea. Then turn off your phone and have a day away. If you are nervous, have your Mom or BFF call him to see "where you are since your phone isn't being answered". I'm sure he'll fill them in. LOL!