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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

211 replies

Tinnedsalmonburgers · 28/05/2024 14:13

I have a very good friend who has had a very shitty relationship with her sons father. Their son is three and the dad is a douchebag: all of the things, in and out when he feels like it, left my friend when baby was little kept pulling her strings about getting back together, falling through. Unreliable, emotionally manipulative, using time with the kid as a way to punish her, don’t even get me started on the child support—- anyway, agreed by all he’s a knob jockey.

anyway for the last 6 months he’s barely been around and my friend is accepting that he will never change and she’s doing this thing on her own. She’s stopped feeding into his drama and by all accounts he’s moved on to harass some poor other bugger.

my friend recently revealed she plans to change her sons surname to her last name, while to this point (and on his birth certificate) he has his dads.
we’re pretty good mates so I let her know my opinion (very gently and tactfully mind) that understandably it must piss her off that his name is ever present but this is a three y.o who has always had this name and it’s his name as well as pork knuckles.

I suggested it might be a decision she’s making in how she feels angry and she might regret it later if kiddo is upset that she did it and might be better to wait till he’s older and can choose for himself.

this was not well received and I’ve definitely upset her. I know we’re good enough to let it cool off for a week or two and il go round and say sorry I should have kept my mouth shut not my business but secretly sorry not sorry I said what I said.

am I unreasonable to think she should keep kids surname ?
does anyone have any experience of doing this (little people name change) and can share a nugget of wisdom with me?
I told her she’d probably need legal advice anyway as I guess she can’t just do it off her own back anyway, or maybe she can I don’t know

OP posts:
innerdesign · 28/05/2024 14:16

Apart from the fact it really is none of your business, I'd always encourage unmarried mums to give the baby their surname so this is just fixing that. In 10 years will her son want a different name? I'm sure he'd prefer to have the same surname as his mum, who's always been in his life.

labracadabras · 28/05/2024 14:19

innerdesign · 28/05/2024 14:16

Apart from the fact it really is none of your business, I'd always encourage unmarried mums to give the baby their surname so this is just fixing that. In 10 years will her son want a different name? I'm sure he'd prefer to have the same surname as his mum, who's always been in his life.

This however if he is on the birth certificate he must consent usually

Graciiee · 28/05/2024 14:20

It's none of your business at all, I would totally be changing his name in these circumstances, why should an absent Dad get to have the name.

Pompleandprim · 28/05/2024 14:21

YABU.

GerbilsForever24 · 28/05/2024 14:22

Well, I think that her and the child SHOULD have the same name in this situation but it's likely to be complicated as he's on the birth certificate so unless he's given up his parental rights, she might not be able to change the baby's name.

It's been his name for 3 whole years. Women regularly change their name after 30 years. It's really not that big a deal from his perspective, and he can always do what a friend of mine did, and change it back to his dad's name when he's older if he really wants to.

Ponderingwindow · 28/05/2024 14:23

You did the right thing and spoke up for a child who is unable to speak for himself. What his mother is doing is wrong and could have lifelong implications for him.

she is angry because she knows deep down you are right.

You can’t stop her though so at this point let it go and give her space to calm down.

FakeMiddleton · 28/05/2024 14:23

I don't remember having any concept of my surname when I was 3

SmallGreens · 28/05/2024 14:24

Pork knuckles??

ShadesofPoachedSmoke · 28/05/2024 14:26

I think you're in the wrong. A 3 year old won't have a clue about it at the moment so much better than changing when he's older and at school.

And she's raising him and doing the hard graft, dam right he should have her name.

YABU. Butt out.

Original poster
Tinnedsalmonburgers · 28/05/2024 14:28

I agree that it is actually her decision, but I do think when good friends talk to you about big issues like this that they don’t share with most people, they are somewhat ‘bringing you into their business’ and there is an unspoken assumption that it invites an opinion.

good friendships are t built on ‘that’s nice dear’ responses to major life things, surely.
I think I’d feel incredibly isolated or like I lived on an episode of bridgerton if my best mates didn’t weigh in on things I was sharing with them???

OP posts:
TruthorDie · 28/05/2024 14:29

None of your business

I think she’s doing the right thing personally. But it makes my teeth itch when women give their children the dads surname and not theirs. If he was that bothered about shared names he would have married her but he’s a dickhead so she had a lucky escape

Original poster
Tinnedsalmonburgers · 28/05/2024 14:29

SmallGreens · 28/05/2024 14:24

Pork knuckles??

It’s an affectionate term for men like the father in this scenario

OP posts:
JLou08 · 28/05/2024 14:31

I have a friend who is now an adult who was in a similar situation to the child you post about. Their mum left her with her dad's name and she hated it once she was a teenager but didn't feel she could change it as that was the name everyone already knew her by. Understandably she didn't want to have to explain to peers at school that she changed her name because her dad has nothing to do with her, we all know how mean high school kids can be!

WoolyMammoth55 · 28/05/2024 14:32

OP, I've got a 3.5 yo kid and he has absolutely no clue what his surname is. No one calls him by it, there's no register at nursery... How would he know?

So I really don't think the kid will know or notice if this happens.

And yes, IMHO an unmarried mum should always give a child her surname. So in your shoes I'd be cheering your friend on and if you're her friend I can't see why you're not doing that.

whosaidtha · 28/05/2024 14:32

My surname was changed when I was 6. And then had to be changed back. And then caused a massive ball ache when i wanted to get married and had no proof of my name as all my documents were different.
I'd caution against change. Plus she will need dad's permission if he's on the bc.

leopardski · 28/05/2024 14:34

Your friend is doing the right thing. If dad will be absent it’s just going to be so much easier for them both to have the same name, one example I can think of is passports/border control - far, far easier there if mum and son have the same name. Otherwise you may have to seek permission to travel with them from the other parent. Can’t imagine she’ll want to be doing that!
He's 3 he’ll quickly get used to his new name.

Original poster
Tinnedsalmonburgers · 28/05/2024 14:38

leopardski · 28/05/2024 14:34

Your friend is doing the right thing. If dad will be absent it’s just going to be so much easier for them both to have the same name, one example I can think of is passports/border control - far, far easier there if mum and son have the same name. Otherwise you may have to seek permission to travel with them from the other parent. Can’t imagine she’ll want to be doing that!
He's 3 he’ll quickly get used to his new name.

I can’t imagine that could be an issue, I travel with my kid if a different surname (dad never comes because he hates flying) and never once been questioned or had an eyelid batted. Or come to think of it any issue raised anywhere.

il definitely support her whatever she chooses

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinnedsalmonburgers · 28/05/2024 14:40

WoolyMammoth55 · 28/05/2024 14:32

OP, I've got a 3.5 yo kid and he has absolutely no clue what his surname is. No one calls him by it, there's no register at nursery... How would he know?

So I really don't think the kid will know or notice if this happens.

And yes, IMHO an unmarried mum should always give a child her surname. So in your shoes I'd be cheering your friend on and if you're her friend I can't see why you're not doing that.

It’s not that I’m not “cheering her on”- just provided a very gentle opinion and some things that she may not have considerd. As I said in my original post, it’s won’t be an issue in our friendship, and il definitely support her what ever way she goes…..

I think some of my best friends are the ones that helpfully challenge my thought process or give me food for thought that’s was my thinking

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 28/05/2024 14:41

Your friend should at least change her son’s name to be double barrelled but I understand why she’s go for her surname too. Having different surnames is going to be annoying when going through passport control or when people (say school) assume that they share the same surname and she has to explain that she is the mum and not the childminder or something.

Anewuser · 28/05/2024 14:41

Having just watched year 6 children (10 and 11 years old), fill out their SATS exam papers, I can categorically say this 3 year old probably doesn’t even know he surname, if my experience is anything to go by.

Original poster
Tinnedsalmonburgers · 28/05/2024 14:41

Anewuser · 28/05/2024 14:41

Having just watched year 6 children (10 and 11 years old), fill out their SATS exam papers, I can categorically say this 3 year old probably doesn’t even know he surname, if my experience is anything to go by.

Oh dear 😂

OP posts:
Clawedino · 28/05/2024 14:42

The child will always have to state his 'previous' name with some things, which might be annoying to him, especially as he won't have ever known the 'old' surname.

Original poster
Tinnedsalmonburgers · 28/05/2024 14:43

SonicTheHodgeheg · 28/05/2024 14:41

Your friend should at least change her son’s name to be double barrelled but I understand why she’s go for her surname too. Having different surnames is going to be annoying when going through passport control or when people (say school) assume that they share the same surname and she has to explain that she is the mum and not the childminder or something.

This definitely isn’t a thing, my teen has a different surname to me and not once has anyone ever queried if I’m there mum

OP posts:
Grovescamp15 · 28/05/2024 14:47

Not sure what possible benefit the child would have in keeping his father's name who likely he will barely see the rest of his life. You're entitled to your opinion, however I don't agree with you and I don't think I would have shared that opinion with a friend in these circumstances.

In my view, better to do it when he is three before he properly starts school etc and he will likely quickly grow accustomed to having his mum's surname and maybe even feel a greater sense of belonging as he grows up because of it (as in to mum and mum's family).

I think you're right in thinking you probably need to apologise to your friend but I'm sure you shared your opinion with the best of intentions.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/05/2024 14:48

Ponderingwindow · 28/05/2024 14:23

You did the right thing and spoke up for a child who is unable to speak for himself. What his mother is doing is wrong and could have lifelong implications for him.

she is angry because she knows deep down you are right.

You can’t stop her though so at this point let it go and give her space to calm down.

Why is it wrong?