Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

[Tinnedsalmonburgers]

I have a very good friend who has had a very shitty relationship with her sons father. Their son is three and the dad is a douchebag: all of the things, in and out when he feels like it, left my friend when baby was little kept pulling her strings about getting back together, falling through. Unreliable, emotionally manipulative, using time with the kid as a way to punish her, don’t even get me started on the child support—- anyway, agreed by all he’s a knob jockey.

anyway for the last 6 months he’s barely been around and my friend is accepting that he will never change and she’s doing this thing on her own. She’s stopped feeding into his drama and by all accounts he’s moved on to harass some poor other bugger.

my friend recently revealed she plans to change her sons surname to her last name, while to this point (and on his birth certificate) he has his dads.
we’re pretty good mates so I let her know my opinion (very gently and tactfully mind) that understandably it must piss her off that his name is ever present but this is a three y.o who has always had this name and it’s his name as well as pork knuckles.

I suggested it might be a decision she’s making in how she feels angry and she might regret it later if kiddo is upset that she did it and might be better to wait till he’s older and can choose for himself.

this was not well received and I’ve definitely upset her. I know we’re good enough to let it cool off for a week or two and il go round and say sorry I should have kept my mouth shut not my business but secretly sorry not sorry I said what I said.

am I unreasonable to think she should keep kids surname ?
does anyone have any experience of doing this (little people name change) and can share a nugget of wisdom with me?
I told her she’d probably need legal advice anyway as I guess she can’t just do it off her own back anyway, or maybe she can I don’t know

I went to Primary school with a kid who changed her surname to her mum's in juniors (I think Year 4/5). Idk how she felt about it, but we didn't tease her or anything just were a little curious the first time the new name was called at registration time and surprised you could actually change your name.

Kids who get adopted change their name to a whole new family's name, don't they? This kid's name is just changing to match the only parent who has been consistently present in his life from the start.

If mum and her family are the only ones in his life, he may feel sad in the years to come that he is the only Smith amongst the Jones family. He might feel very angry towards his dad and be unhappy he has the name of someone he hates.

From my point of view my mum changed my name a few times when I was little on the whim of who she was dating at the time, add in my 2 marriages and I have had 5 surnames. I feel like I have no real ties to any of them and its a huge ball ache when I need to prove my identity from birth. I wouldnt bother changing his name to be fair because even though my birth dad and mums relationship was terrible I still tracked him down in my 30s and have a decent relationship with him and his new family anyway.

If the father is on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility, even if by actions he wouldn't know the meaning of the word, but that does mean that, legally, she cannot change his name without the fathers consent.

I changed my daughter’s surname. She originally had her Dads but he turned out to be an absolute waste of space.
You would have definitely pissed me off if you were my friend.
Yes a surname is symbolic, it’s a symbol of your clan, who you belong to, it links you to your people, your family, your roots, it distinguishes you from everyone else. It’s belonging and being united. Why would/should your friend’s son be lumped in with a father that isn’t on the scene? Why should he not share the name of his primary caregiver and likely primary grandparents and extending family.

I done this when my oldest was 2, now 18 and as far as he's concerned he would much prefer to have my name and cringes at having shared his father's name. He continues to see his 'dad' but he is a disappointment to our child and a failure as a parent (comments made from my son knowing him as a person) but sadly has an inbuilt need to still have him as part of his life

I think you're being ridiculous. It's his surname not his first name.

The child barely has a sense of self at 3, and the name change will have no impact at all at this age. It might if his dad comes back in his life when he's older and then mum can't change it.

Your friend might be angry, but that doesn't mean it's a bad decision. As multiple people have told you, it's completely normal for unmarried mothers to give their children their name.

And realistically, she's not trying to eradicate her ex. She knows she can't do that, she has a whole ass child to remind her every single day. She just wants to have the same name as the child that she gestated, birthed, and is actively parenting on a daily basis instead of some deadbeat getting to claim it.

If dad is clearly unreliable she can choose to change his name. Though I'm not sure how it works as she may need dad's permission. I think dad has to be out of the child's life for so many years?

She can choose to just use her name for her son anyway for nursery, school, drs etc and wait to do it by deed poll. My mum did exactly that when I was 4 and at 16 got it done by deed poll as she didn't need my dad's permission.
I was told by a registrar that usage of a name can be used for official things? So, deed poll may not be necessary? She'd have to look it up. I've never had an issue. My passport and driving licence are in my "new" name.

It sounds like she should have used her surname to start with!

I see your point of view OP.

But have you considered that this deadbeat dad has eradicated himself from his son’s life?

in that scenario, I would absolutely give him my name… for all the reasons you give that the OP would need to explain why the name had been changed, your friend may also find she has to explain why her son has the name of someone who rejects them.

You’re well meaning. You’ve given your option. As you mentioned, it’s now time to support her in her final decision.

I know someone who did it as her ex fucknugget was a total piece of shit. He refused to let her as he liked the power so she just told the nursery, school, GP that name was officially‘child name ex’ but known as ‘child name mum’. He’s changing his name legally next year when he reaches the legal age to do deed poll. He is changing to his stepfathers surname as in everything but dna that has been his father since he was 8 months old and he’ll finally have the same name as his siblings. He doesn’t see fucknugget now.

Your friend is the only parent her son has that matters, so her view on what her child is called is the only one that matters (morally at least. Obviously his father could object legally.) Certainly your views on this don't matter, and I think you massively overstepped. I also think you're quite wrong. Having his name changed before he's old enough to care will probably be far better for him than going through life with a different name from his mum that also happens to be the name of a man he will likely have little respect or positive regard for.
There is a child in my family who had to carry the name of a father she despises until she was 18, when one of the first things she did was change it to the same as her mum, half siblings and step dad who had been her 'real dad' since she was two.

If you go round to your friend’s house to make it up but are ‘secretly sorry not sorry’, as you described, you are being a knob. Be sorry that you played devil’s advocate at a time when your friend needed support.

Even very good friendships can take a hit and this sounds like it could be a hit. At least be actually sorry if you go round to apologise.