Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

[Tinnedsalmonburgers]

I have a very good friend who has had a very shitty relationship with her sons father. Their son is three and the dad is a douchebag: all of the things, in and out when he feels like it, left my friend when baby was little kept pulling her strings about getting back together, falling through. Unreliable, emotionally manipulative, using time with the kid as a way to punish her, don’t even get me started on the child support—- anyway, agreed by all he’s a knob jockey.

anyway for the last 6 months he’s barely been around and my friend is accepting that he will never change and she’s doing this thing on her own. She’s stopped feeding into his drama and by all accounts he’s moved on to harass some poor other bugger.

my friend recently revealed she plans to change her sons surname to her last name, while to this point (and on his birth certificate) he has his dads.
we’re pretty good mates so I let her know my opinion (very gently and tactfully mind) that understandably it must piss her off that his name is ever present but this is a three y.o who has always had this name and it’s his name as well as pork knuckles.

I suggested it might be a decision she’s making in how she feels angry and she might regret it later if kiddo is upset that she did it and might be better to wait till he’s older and can choose for himself.

this was not well received and I’ve definitely upset her. I know we’re good enough to let it cool off for a week or two and il go round and say sorry I should have kept my mouth shut not my business but secretly sorry not sorry I said what I said.

am I unreasonable to think she should keep kids surname ?
does anyone have any experience of doing this (little people name change) and can share a nugget of wisdom with me?
I told her she’d probably need legal advice anyway as I guess she can’t just do it off her own back anyway, or maybe she can I don’t know

My son’s dad unfortunately took me to court to change my baby’s name from my surname to double barrelled to include his. Despite him being abusive and inconsistent, courts still granted the change. Why should it be different if it’s the mum wanting to change the name? I respect her and hope she goes through with the decision to change it despite opinions like yours who obviously hasn’t gone through what she has.

Nonsense.

I wish I'd done what your friend is planning. My children now have the same name as my ex, his wife and their new children but not me, despite me doing 99% of the parenting, effort, work, loving, and earning for my kids.

Support your friend.

I know a lot of people who have held DV clearance and similar - plenty changed their surnames (usually marriage), some had other name changes - yes you have to supply a bit more info but it doesn't mean you can't go into those careers.

I have never seen anyone advise a woman not to change her name when she gets married for this reason...

I hated that I was named after someone who had no interest in me or raised me and as I've grown older I've felt so sorry that my had to keep her married name just so she had the same name as us.

I would change the 3yr olds name

Probably because of the overarching oppressive patriarchal expectations placed on women in our society.

and your making an ENORMOUS assumption that at the time of naming the child she didn’t put any thought into it. They both spent an enormous amount of time carefully choosing the name as 99.9% of parents do

But would your kids want their name changed?

Child should have the same surname as the mother, especially if the parents aren’t together.

But in reality this is absolutely not the social norm

I was married when my daughter was born and remarried a couple of years later. I took my new husbands surname and decided that my daughter should be known with the same surname as me and her brother, before she started school to avoid confusion at school etc. Didn't need to officially change it by deed poll, just had to tell DWP for child benefit purposes/Doctors etc that she was now known by a different surname. No hassle at all.

It caused a little extra work when she applied for her first passport, but not badly so. It was the right decision for us

It isn't illegal to do that, as long as it is not for fraudulent purposes

It's really hard to believe your claims about 'gentle questioning' and being oh so tactful and thoughtful when you've a) started a thread about her decision and invited the internet to tell you you're right and b) continued to argue with everyone who didn't agree with you. You sound incredibly over invested and overbearing.

Says who though? My kids haven't got my name. I haven't done it wrong.

I guess from this thread, you don’t like being told you’re wrong.

And I guess from this comment you believe all of your opinions are facts regardless of reality.

At age three they don’t know their surname but even if they did mum just says “I wanted us to have the same surname so that’s what we did.” II not complicated and sounds sensible to me. I cannot comprehend why a good friend would want the dc to keep their uninvolved dad’s name. Weird.

@Tinnedsalmonburgers Well, you wouldn't really know, would you? If a child has the same surname as their parents, you have absolutely NO idea whether that is the surname they were born with!!

It seems kind of weird to participate in an online debate when you
a)don’t think people should start threads
b)don’t think people online should be invited to a debate

you sound incredibly hypocritical and smug.

Can I ask if your daughters biological father raised any issue with this?
was there a reason you didn’t change it by deed poll- I assume legally she is her original surname and when she comes to drivers license etc she may have to change it legally?

I think she’s absolutely doing the right thing, sooner the better!

'Probably because of the overarching oppressive patriarchal expectations placed on women in our society.'

😂😂😂😂😂😂

The baby should have had her name anyway - the father didn’t give birth, did he? Of course she should change it.

I find it enraging when these “fathers” want their surname and don’t marry the mother or put in any hard yard parenting ! You can’t pick and choose the “traditions” you fancy mate.

"But would your kids want their name changed?"

Yes, my 16 year changed his himself in between school and college and my younger two intend to do the same - too complicated to do it while in the middle of school so three would be the ideal age imo!

My name was changed when I was about 3 yr old .... I don't remember ever been called my first surname.

She would need the father's permission though and he sounds like he may not be willing to do that.

Why on earth should the kid have his name?

My DD has both me and my DH's surname. If he wasn't raising her shed only have my surname.

So bizarre that you think he should have his deadbeat dad's surname OP. Why, exactly??

Omg.
for the one hundredth time.
I don’t think he should “have his deadbeat dads name”
I think that this boy has his own name and his dad doesn’t get to be the owner of that.

.