Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

[Tinnedsalmonburgers]

I have a very good friend who has had a very shitty relationship with her sons father. Their son is three and the dad is a douchebag: all of the things, in and out when he feels like it, left my friend when baby was little kept pulling her strings about getting back together, falling through. Unreliable, emotionally manipulative, using time with the kid as a way to punish her, don’t even get me started on the child support—- anyway, agreed by all he’s a knob jockey.

anyway for the last 6 months he’s barely been around and my friend is accepting that he will never change and she’s doing this thing on her own. She’s stopped feeding into his drama and by all accounts he’s moved on to harass some poor other bugger.

my friend recently revealed she plans to change her sons surname to her last name, while to this point (and on his birth certificate) he has his dads.
we’re pretty good mates so I let her know my opinion (very gently and tactfully mind) that understandably it must piss her off that his name is ever present but this is a three y.o who has always had this name and it’s his name as well as pork knuckles.

I suggested it might be a decision she’s making in how she feels angry and she might regret it later if kiddo is upset that she did it and might be better to wait till he’s older and can choose for himself.

this was not well received and I’ve definitely upset her. I know we’re good enough to let it cool off for a week or two and il go round and say sorry I should have kept my mouth shut not my business but secretly sorry not sorry I said what I said.

am I unreasonable to think she should keep kids surname ?
does anyone have any experience of doing this (little people name change) and can share a nugget of wisdom with me?
I told her she’d probably need legal advice anyway as I guess she can’t just do it off her own back anyway, or maybe she can I don’t know

Why though? Both parents names are on the birth certificate and surely the child could be known as either.
OP is the primary carer so I don't see why she can't just use her name as the child's surname.

Eh? I didn’t call you sanctimonious

How is the exe’s his opinion relevant? He is a stranger to his son, sharing DNA doesn’t make your opinion relevant to a child you give no shots about.

Even if you think it is relevant- it’s not nearly as relevant as your friend’s

What lifelong implications?

No, and he won’t care at any point after the age of three. No kid would.

Because when they registered him they chose his surname. They didn’t choose to give him both names, or an alternative name, they chose that specific name.

Neither of them can legally change it without the others permission anymore than one of them could change the child’s first name without permission.

I’ve known many children’s en never known one to have lifelong trauma because at age 3 they got a different surname.

I have to say I smell a pick-me warrior

Sorry I think you misread, or I didn’t say it well.
her boy is ‘first name, surname’ yes the surname is the same of his dad but he is also that name in his own right.

changing his name to erase dad also changes the child to some degree, on paper he becomes a new person.

a name is symbolic and it means a lot- I can completely understand why she would want to make a symbolic change, she is the only useful parent of this kid, but she chose originally to name him with his dads name because she felt this was important for her kid. Has that perception changed or is she just angry at his dad?

it seems there is very little practical implications either way from everybody’s posts…….

I wanted to encourage her to think about how her son (and her too once the totally appropriate rage has passed) IN THE FUTURE would think about this symbolic change (for everyone commenting he doesn’t have an opinion because he’s three, yep no shit Sherlock)

there are posters with experience as the children some were grateful. Some were not. I suggested to my friends was to factor this into her decision.

I always carry my son's birth certificate in my passport when we travel abroad to prove I'm his mother, just in case. I am married but have not changed my name. Mumsnet in fact did a campaign a while ago to alert people to this, for those who have different last names, and it's not a 'slight occasion', it happens a fair amount, and society does seem to care more than we might like to think about mothers and kids having the samena,e

The only time I have had to use it was in Switzerland, where the border guard was very snotty about why on earth I hadn't changed my name if I was married and was very dismissive of my choice.

Other posters had a good point about going abroad - will your friend need permission to go abroad if the dad is on the birth certificate?

I think she should change it to Pork Knuckles.

No he won’t and he may just as well wonder why he has been left with the name of a man who hasn’t been there and supported him rather than share the name of the person who has.

the fact that you haven’t been stopped is more luck than anything else it does happen and I suspect to people on a daily basis - travel forums always recommend travelling with a letter from the parent who isn’t travelling if the name is different. I think for practical reasons changing makes sense

but if he is on the birth certificate he would need I think to give permission

It is a good idea to get any changes done (a court is unlikely to change it completely if the father objects, but possibly will agree to double barrel) before school.

Was a ballache for me having school certificates in one name and going to uni with a different name.

Any hassles like that or the first new passport aren’t arduous though. Just a pain in the arse in the moment.

It may not have happened to you but it does happen. I know people whose children have been questioned at the airport because they don't have the same name as the parent.

You have to get his permission to do it legally. She could double barrel it with hers. Council can give permission for child to be known by her name during school life

You think your friends in the wrong for changing her child's name to hers when she does all the work of raising him whilst old "pork knuckles" should have the child have his surname when like you said he's a knob and dosnt really bother? Make it make sense. Why does he deserve it?

I think practically and logistically it makes sense for her 3yo to have the same surname as her. As someone whose father buggered off when I was very young, I was always pleased my mum changed my surname so I didn't have a link to some random stranger I haven't seen since I was about 3 months old! I think definitely the correct decision.

I changed my surname to my Mum’s via deed poll when I was 11 due to having a dead beat Dad. My Mum wanted to do it but dragged her feet for years. I wish she’d have just done it when I was younger because then nobody would have remembered me by that name. People from primary school will only know me by that name and it winds me up, that’s not who I am. I wanted the same last name as my Mum, not some man who dipped in and out when he felt like it.

In terms of life long complications it literally doesn’t impact me at all. Occasionally when I fill in important documents I’m asked if I’ve ever been known by another name, that’s it.

It's illegal to do it without Dad's permission. Is he likely to give it?

I’ve got a different surname from my kids and have been stopped twice - 2/2 times I’ve flown with them alone. It definitely happens.

Also, I grew up with an absent father and I have his surname and always wished I had the same as my mother.

In answer to your question:

• it’s none of your business
• as a 3 year old he won’t know or care about his surname
• now and for the rest of his childhood having the same name as his (single) mother will have practical benefits
• as an adult he is much more likely to be glad he’s got the surname of the parent who raised him than the deadbeat who abandoned him

Because the name doesn’t belong to either of them.
it belongs to the kid.
the child having the same surname isn’t some homage to him. It’s just the kids name.
whereas changing it, feels to me like making a big statement. Which is fine, but I think these kid of statements should be made when emotions are less heightened

OP i agree that a name can mean a lot so I want to give you the perspective of a child who's father was not in my life by his choosing, I think that I would have felt having his name marked me out as separate from my family who were actually raising me, the only one with a strangers name. I would have felt different and tbh I think it would add to the sense of rejection by being a constant reminder of the man who didn't want me. Just a different view on the significance of the name to think about. I agree with your friend and tbh I think she has a right to be angry with a man who's walked away from his child and feel why should he have the privilege of having that child carry his name when she's the one who loves and cares for the child.

Yes you are. I think it's not your place to voice your opinion. She sounds like she's doing the sensible, right thing for her and her child.

My father was a useless sack of shit as well. I started using my mother's name at 7. Then legally changed by deed poll at 18. It's never caused any problems for me and I have no idea why you think the child would be angry later down to line. If anything they will more than likely be pleased they aren't easily associated with their lazy selfish father.

Do you think there is ever going to be a time in the future when your friend feels glad that her son has his waste of space dad’s name?

Waiting just prolongs the time the kid has the name. At the moment it is definitely not a big deal to him. She should have given him her name in the first place and much better to change it sooner than leave it until eg he starts school and has more awareness. My 3.5 yo doesn’t know her full name yet.

No he won't. I've only once had to state my birth name and that was during registering to marry.

YABU. You were rude, obtuse and massively over stepping your boundaries in expressing your opinion on this.

She is absolutely right to change her child’s name- more practical for her and him and will have no negative impact on the kid whatsoever. Having the name of an absent dad would be more likely to affect him negatively, once he is old enough to know and care what his surname is (at 3 he won’t give a monkeys).

am I unreasonable to think she should keep kids surname ?
does anyone have any experience of doing this (little people name change) and can share a nugget of wisdom with me?
I told her she’d probably need legal advice anyway as I guess she can’t just do it off her own back anyway, or maybe she can I don’t know

Name changed for this!

YABU,why should the name stay because he’s three? I don’t quite understand your reasoning. Grown adults change their name for all sorts of reasons - usually marriage. You’re not necessarily tied to a name.

My mum did the exact same thing and I’m very glad. My siblings got back in contact with our Dad in their older teens and changed their surnames back to his - more out of embarrassment IMO as a few childhood and family friends had asked why the name change ( or maybe societal conditioning about children having dads name? )so they’d never been fully comfortable with it. But they were way older than three when my mum changed it.

He then abandoned them again in adulthood. They will have his name going forward.

My mum knew what she was doing. I’m just glad I stuck to my ‘new’ name which I had since age 10.

I’m now a published author and so pleased it’s not his name that goes on my books! Even when I get married whether I change my last name or that , my mums maiden name will remain my published author name!

My mum had “friends” who criticised her too and I’m so glad she ignored them.