Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

[Tinnedsalmonburgers]

I have a very good friend who has had a very shitty relationship with her sons father. Their son is three and the dad is a douchebag: all of the things, in and out when he feels like it, left my friend when baby was little kept pulling her strings about getting back together, falling through. Unreliable, emotionally manipulative, using time with the kid as a way to punish her, don’t even get me started on the child support—- anyway, agreed by all he’s a knob jockey.

anyway for the last 6 months he’s barely been around and my friend is accepting that he will never change and she’s doing this thing on her own. She’s stopped feeding into his drama and by all accounts he’s moved on to harass some poor other bugger.

my friend recently revealed she plans to change her sons surname to her last name, while to this point (and on his birth certificate) he has his dads.
we’re pretty good mates so I let her know my opinion (very gently and tactfully mind) that understandably it must piss her off that his name is ever present but this is a three y.o who has always had this name and it’s his name as well as pork knuckles.

I suggested it might be a decision she’s making in how she feels angry and she might regret it later if kiddo is upset that she did it and might be better to wait till he’s older and can choose for himself.

this was not well received and I’ve definitely upset her. I know we’re good enough to let it cool off for a week or two and il go round and say sorry I should have kept my mouth shut not my business but secretly sorry not sorry I said what I said.

am I unreasonable to think she should keep kids surname ?
does anyone have any experience of doing this (little people name change) and can share a nugget of wisdom with me?
I told her she’d probably need legal advice anyway as I guess she can’t just do it off her own back anyway, or maybe she can I don’t know

I agree with her - at 3 years old it's the best time to do it rather than later. As a child with an absent father I'd rather share my mothers Sur name who spends all the time and effort and love with me rather than someone effectively a stranger.

Why wouldn't she want the child to have her name?
The only appropriate reaction from you in this instance would be to support her choice.
Instead you stuck your nose in unnecessarily.

1. its you’re
2. I didn’t make the assumption about her, I said “many women”, talking about how this happens a lot in general. I’m well aware of the patriarchy, which is why I personally wouldn’t further it by giving my baby a different name than mine.

None of your business. But your friend is sensible to change to her name.

This. My ex took me to court, asked for only two days a month with our son and a surname change from my surname to double barrelled to include his. The courts are so backwards that they granted the name change, and as soon as we were out of court his dad dropped most the days anyway. He has never stepped foot in our sons school or drs, both of which involve using the name, and is essentially a babysitter once/twice a month but wanted the tradition of the name being partially his.

But he's three. He's not going to remember his name as it is now. And your surname is from your parents - his mum is his only involved parent, he should have her surname

Absolutely this. Currently 96% of over 500 people telling op she’s unreasonable but she continues to argue with everyone. Obviously she’s right and everyone else is wrong!

picking up a grammar mistake is pedantic as fuck. Grow up.

if you are so aware of the patriarchy you would should reflect on the internalised misogyny that’s in your comments about unmarried mothers and women who make different choices to you

I won’t be as rude as you have been but I’m equally aware of internalised misogyny and can assure you that’s not the case for me - I only mentioned unmarried mothers in the context of not having the same surname, which is the topic of this thread. It’s a fact that it’s furthering the patriarchy to give the man’s surname when it’s not the same as the mother’s, it’s not just a different choice to mine.
It seems there’s no point trying to reason with you as you’re too busy frantically arguing with the 96% of people who are trying to tell you that you’re being unreasonable. Maybe you could try listening.

The child will not have to always state his previous surname if it is changed when he's that young.

My surname was changed when I was 5/6 years old. I have been married and emigrated and never ever had to say what my surname was before it was changed.

At that age once he has important ID , eg passport, then that can become his main source of identity proof.

I would definitely change if I was your friend

If she didn't ask your opinion and was talking about it in a "this is what I've decided" kind of way, rather than a "I'm thinking about doing...." kind of way, I don't think she wanted your opinion.

I also disagree with your opinion and in your friend's circumstances I'd change the name too, if I could.

Incidentally, even if legally she can't, she could still use it for school etc if she wanted to. I know a teenager who uses his Mum's surname all the time, at school etc, even though Dad's name is on the birth certificate. It hasn't caused any problems.

No - he was another one who didn't have almost anything to do with his daughter. He didn't stay in contact at all after she was 6 and never paid maintenance. I don't think he ever knew to be honest - and he wouldn't have cared if he did.

The only slight problem she had was with her passport when she was 18 and she had to provide additional evidence to them ( can't remember what). Once she had the Passport in the name she had been known by since she was about 4, I don't believe she had any further problems with anything else. A Passport is a good form of ID for anything else. She got married in her early 20's and took her husband's name at that point anyway

It didn't matter to me that her name wasn't changed by deed poll, so as it was ok to call her by a different surname than that on her birth certificate that was the easiest option! Deed poll name change doesn't change the surname on the birth certificate anyway!

If I were her I'd 100% change it. It should never have to have been his name by default to begin with.
The kid is 3, I didn't know my surname at that age. He'll know his dad in future if the arsehole decides to contribute to his sons life. He doesn't need his name?
I think you should apologise. She's totally legit to do this and frankly I'm baffled you'd have anything against it. Considering the way you describe the ex.

YABU.

My surname was changed at 2 - I have had no negative effects due to my mum making this (correct) decision.

I do not have a relationship with my dad, he has not been in my life bar a handful of crap meet ups when i was around 20 and he is an all round twat of a human being.

I am grateful actually that I do not have his surname.

It might be the kids surname but it's from his dad who sounds like he is very likely going to down the path of my delightful father.

The kid absolutely should have his mums surname.

YANBU to have an opinion on anything (the saying about assholes comes to mind...) but really, your friend is making a wise decision.

good friendships are t built on ‘that’s nice dear’ responses to major life things, surely. I think I’d feel incredibly isolated or like I lived on an episode of bridgerton if my best mates didn’t weigh in on things I was sharing with them???

This!!! I'm so sick of seeing "It's none of your business" on here when someone is asking for advice on how best to be a GOOD mate who cares and tells you, tactfully, when you're doing something irreversible.

You're a really good friend OP.

The thing is - if he’s not going to agree then she’s not going to be able to do it officially anyway.

she might be able to get a court to double barrel, but they’re often reluctant to even do that.

It’s much harder now to unofficially change a child’s name than it used to be. Even in the last 10 years it’s got much harder. Many schools won’t now allow a known as surname - it’s all got to be done officially or they won’t change so opinions quite probably won’t even matter.

@RedRobyn2021 You would dump a friend because they had a different opinion to you?!? Wtf?! Isn't that communism???

My DC has an absent father and has his surname but I absolutely will not be applying to court to change the surname. I should have used my own surname at the beginning but I didn't. I am categorically not messing with DC's paperwork and identity now. Been through enough!

YABU. Firstly, the child won’t even know his surname so it means nothing to him; secondly, his father has done bugger all for him so why should the child have his surname? Do you think all children should have their father’s surname? Why? Finally, it’s what the child’s mother wants - so they’re the same, I bet. I also bet she very much regrets giving the child the father’s surname in the first place.

If I were your friend, I'd double barrel. That way DC keeps the connection with both parents, rather than losing one altogether.

I'm actually planning to double barrel my primary age DC's names, so much older than your friends DC, though I'm not looking forward to asking my EXDP to sign their consent forms.

It does not matter to the child what his last name is at this point in his life. If he feels differently about it when he's older, he can change it to something else. Plenty of people grow up and change their names for various reasons. You should be supporting your friend and not criticising her parenting choices over a name when she's the only one doing the parenting.

I hated having a different surname to my mum after having a 'dad' much like this who let me down repeatedly (and was abusive) until I refused to see him anymore around age 8 (and he gave up trying with me before that as he wasn't interested in any parenting). She should do it if she can. It's a shame she didn't use her name on the birth certificate. Also I can see why she's p#ssed off at you. She's your friend - try being a bit more supportive even when you don't agree.

it’s won’t be an issue in our friendship, and il definitely support her what ever way she goes…..
how could it be an issue and why wouldn't you support her? Something as big as this is absolutely her choice and really none of your business. Her life, her child, her choice that has zero impact on you. 3 is very very young, it won't affect her ds and as many people have said, it could make her life easier.

Whaaaaat..... That's one of the weirdest, batshit-est OPs I've ever seen. 'Taking away part of her boy' etc etc. Just what the hell? No, seriously, I'm in similar position to your friend (kind of) and I wouldn't be offended/hurt if you told me your opinion, but I don't understand it AT ALL. In fact, I think the absolute majority of people would take the exact opposite stance: if the father is shit/absent/deadbeat, it's not only normal, but POSITIVE to change a child's surname to their mothers (not compulsory, obv).

I was briefly married (3 years) in my 20s. My ex pleaded with me to take his name and I agreed (regret it, but hey ho). So for 24 years I was known by my own name, then 3 years of ex's name and then we split. And now I'm stuck with it. I don't like it, it's not 'me'.

Now I have a DD, she's 12 now, has ex's name too. I wanted it changed straight away, but as soon as I left my ex he fucked off and we haven't seen him since. DD was also 3 when I divorced him. Problem is, I cannot change her name without his permission. I can change my own, but I don't want us to have different names, DD and me. We travel a lot, including US, Canada, Australia and I don't want any problems at border control.

So like I said, DD is 12 now and is planning to change her name to my maiden name as soon as she's 18. I'll do it too then. I didn't tell her to, I'm ok if she'd decide to keep her current name. It's her name, after all. But according to her, she's my daughter and she wants my name. She doesn't know her father, doesn't remember him, wants nothing to do with him and doesn't want to have his name. None of this weirdness of 'losing a part of herself', etc..

I changed my DDs name to 'know as keepingon' when she started school, no way was I going to be known as Mrs Nobby ex all the way through primary school. I wanted us both to have the same name and it was a HUGE mistake not to give her my name in the first place! (I wasn't on MN back in the day...)

DDs legal name is Nobby ex and it's used on her passport, anything to do with the NHS and exam papers at school. But she very happily uses keepingon. It's up to her what she does when she's older. She can choose to change it legally or stick with Nobby ex.