Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

[Tinnedsalmonburgers]

I have a very good friend who has had a very shitty relationship with her sons father. Their son is three and the dad is a douchebag: all of the things, in and out when he feels like it, left my friend when baby was little kept pulling her strings about getting back together, falling through. Unreliable, emotionally manipulative, using time with the kid as a way to punish her, don’t even get me started on the child support—- anyway, agreed by all he’s a knob jockey.

anyway for the last 6 months he’s barely been around and my friend is accepting that he will never change and she’s doing this thing on her own. She’s stopped feeding into his drama and by all accounts he’s moved on to harass some poor other bugger.

my friend recently revealed she plans to change her sons surname to her last name, while to this point (and on his birth certificate) he has his dads.
we’re pretty good mates so I let her know my opinion (very gently and tactfully mind) that understandably it must piss her off that his name is ever present but this is a three y.o who has always had this name and it’s his name as well as pork knuckles.

I suggested it might be a decision she’s making in how she feels angry and she might regret it later if kiddo is upset that she did it and might be better to wait till he’s older and can choose for himself.

this was not well received and I’ve definitely upset her. I know we’re good enough to let it cool off for a week or two and il go round and say sorry I should have kept my mouth shut not my business but secretly sorry not sorry I said what I said.

am I unreasonable to think she should keep kids surname ?
does anyone have any experience of doing this (little people name change) and can share a nugget of wisdom with me?
I told her she’d probably need legal advice anyway as I guess she can’t just do it off her own back anyway, or maybe she can I don’t know

It’s rare, but if you go down a certain career route that requires certain kinds of security checks, name changes are a headache.

also things like getting certain kinds of quick airport processing these days. You have to provide extra paperwork if you have a name change. Maybe not so bad if the parents are aware and get multiple copies of everything now and save it for when the child is an adult, but helping my 70-something parents with this who had to find copies of records at schools and churches that no longer existed was very annoying. Also what if the standards change in the future and the official paperwork the parent saves now is no longer sufficient.

Erm as you were not there you really cannot objectively say that I was either rude or obtuse given that you witnessed exactly zero of the conversation.

we had MANY conversations when she was pregnant and new mum about what she would name the Bub so I disagree that I overstepped my boundaries, perfectly natural in our relationship to have this kind of conversation.

the rest of your comments are valid opinions.

More chance of circling the moon on a fart powered bicycle

I don't think she is unreasonable to want to change the surname to her surname. She's doing all the parenting while he's absent. Unfortunately, she'll need his consent which I don't imagine he will give.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have an option. I think it entirely depends on your relationship as to if you should give it or not. I give my friends unsolicited advice all the time. My longest friend's is 35 years and the shortest is 10 so I don't think my mates mind.

Stop talking nonsense. She isn’t “erasing” the dad, (dad has erased himself by being absent). Was giving him dad’s name in the first place “erasing” mum. of course not.

the name is just a family name, it makes sense he should have the same name as his mother, since she is the parent present and involved in his life.

Well she is upset with you by your own admission . When we are upset with others it is usually do to 1) an unmet need or 2) boundaries being crossed.

https://deedpolloffice.com/change-name/children/without-consent

Apparently it's very tricky.

It's nothing to do with you and you seem over invested in her life. Rather creepy.

Thank you, I think you are the only person that actually answered my original query re the unsolicited advise 😂
we’ve been friends a long time and I’ve offered all sorts of opinions and challenges on various issues (many a conversation about please dump his ass before she was ready to see him for what he was 😂) but this is probably the first time she has reacted so strongly.

im 100% confident it won’t affect our friendship and il definitely not offer an opinion on this topic again without a specific invite.

I don’t think she’s unreasonable either, I’m worried she’ll look back on it in the future and wonder if she acted too much on her hurt instead of her head as she has reflected on other things in the past although none as significant as changing the name.
it seems like it actually requires a legal process though so this might give her the time to think things through a bit more

@SmallGreens

Not just 'pork knuckles' but also 'knob jockey', 'kiddo' and 'little people'

Most odd.

You right. In that moment she needed me to say yes changing his name will erase your ex from history and you can both forget that he is the biological father of your son.

it doesn’t make me a bad person to be truthful with someone I love.

It's absolutely none of your business.

You sound jealous tbh that your friend has the balls to take action ensuring her child has the same surname as her and you... haven't. This is a 'you' problem, not a 'her' problem. What she's doing is completely normal and sensible.

It IS a thing, FWIW. I’ve been stopped twice and asked to prove my DD (different surname) is mine. Once in Germany and once in the UK.

If a parent is raising a child on their own, it is so much easier for them to have the same surname as their child. For travel, student finance even. Just takes a hurdle out of life.

Look at it as a positive - present and resident parent is bringing child closer to them in name. Doesn't mean they have to remove all knowledge or mention of other parent. Could keep other parent's surname as a middle name - in case they want to preserve links to that side of the family.

If something had ever happened where I had a child unmarried , yes, my child would have my surname. I would always put the dad on birth certificate, but if I weren't married, definitely my surname.

But do people not think of these things first, surely you know there is always a chance a relationship won't last, so plan accordingly.

She is better doing it now than later - I'm not sure how that works though if the father doesn't want it changing now.

What a load of bollocks about 'erasing part of the child.' I doubt he even knows he's got a surname.

It sounds like you overstepped with your friend, went off with some silly objections, and now are trying to justify it with some nonsense about erasure and how he'll feel when he's older.

How about if she doesn't change his name and when he's older he wonders why she didn't want him to have her surname? It's just as likely (perhaps more likely) that he'll be sad they have different names than he will be sad not to have his waster of a father's name.

I think you should apologise to your friend, explain that you just weren't thinking straight, and offer to help sort out the name change if there's anything practical you can do.

Oh and OP I agree, my best mates don't just smile and nod, that's not their role.
Their role as best mate is to tell me the difficult opinion on situations everyone else is supposed to smile and nod at.

And of course by bringing the conversation up its making it your business.

@Tinnedsalmonburgers

I totally agree with this. I think a lot of MNERS just don't have truly close friends.

i think giving your opinion is fine.

however, I totally disagree with you!

three is young enough to easily change his name as far as he's concerned. Legally, however, I doubt she'll be able to without fuck knuckles permission. However she can register him as known as pretty much everywhere except his passport.

I don’t understand your viewpoint at all, OP.

I think she’s doing the right thing given douchbag ex isn’t on the scene and it’s normal she wants to have the same surname as the child. FWIW I think you should apologise so she feels supported through this difficult time.

But I think you’re right she’ll need legal advice and a court order to do it without his consent.

Whilst my cousin was questioned for an hour at border control (not UK) until she managed to find proof that the baby was her daughter. She had travelled before without a problem, but was terrified they were going to take her baby.

No it doesn't make you a bad person but I think it makes you unhelpful in that moment. And that moment is probably just when she needs support.

I've sometimes said to my best friend I'm doing x (In a hurry). I appreciate she's never said no don't, she just listens and may ask why, how are you etc. This gives me space to realise for myself if something isn't a good idea. No one wants someone saying just stop and think, how do you say that in a kind way?

Your friend is right, why should the child bear the name of this poor excuse for a human. He’s young enough to not really be aware of his name either so now is the right time. Yabu.

Edited to add I never understand why so many unmarried mothers/those who don’t have the same surname as the baby’s dad just give the father’s name seemingly without any real thought. Especially in this sort of situation where she knew he was dodgy from the start.