Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

[Tinnedsalmonburgers]

I have a very good friend who has had a very shitty relationship with her sons father. Their son is three and the dad is a douchebag: all of the things, in and out when he feels like it, left my friend when baby was little kept pulling her strings about getting back together, falling through. Unreliable, emotionally manipulative, using time with the kid as a way to punish her, don’t even get me started on the child support—- anyway, agreed by all he’s a knob jockey.

anyway for the last 6 months he’s barely been around and my friend is accepting that he will never change and she’s doing this thing on her own. She’s stopped feeding into his drama and by all accounts he’s moved on to harass some poor other bugger.

my friend recently revealed she plans to change her sons surname to her last name, while to this point (and on his birth certificate) he has his dads.
we’re pretty good mates so I let her know my opinion (very gently and tactfully mind) that understandably it must piss her off that his name is ever present but this is a three y.o who has always had this name and it’s his name as well as pork knuckles.

I suggested it might be a decision she’s making in how she feels angry and she might regret it later if kiddo is upset that she did it and might be better to wait till he’s older and can choose for himself.

this was not well received and I’ve definitely upset her. I know we’re good enough to let it cool off for a week or two and il go round and say sorry I should have kept my mouth shut not my business but secretly sorry not sorry I said what I said.

am I unreasonable to think she should keep kids surname ?
does anyone have any experience of doing this (little people name change) and can share a nugget of wisdom with me?
I told her she’d probably need legal advice anyway as I guess she can’t just do it off her own back anyway, or maybe she can I don’t know

That’ll be why that corner was cut. You’d have been assumed to have permission.

If your husband had later objected the registrar could have been in bother (and you).

@Tinnedsalmonburgers yes, I don't think anyone around me understood why it was such a big deal when I was going through it, but it's a massive thing naming a child, and it's a horrible feeling when you think you've got it wrong. Postnatal thoughts and emotions are crazy but I'm glad to be out of it now!

Also the whole checks for travel thing is just because of the world we live in now, not the names.

Ive been stopped more travelling recently my younger children (primary age) than my older children (mid 20s) despite the fact the younger kids have the same name as me and the older ones don’t.

I’ve had to declare my name changes a lot but that’s probably linked to my profession with criminal record checks regularly.

But other than that I can’t see it being too regular, just official stuff I guess like enrolments at school, medical stuff etc?.

Your poor friend has had an awful time. It's his surname not firstname. What 3 year old cares about a surname. And even so it's not your place to tell her how to parent (except if she did something dangerous of course).

Or am I missing something for example are you worried she's trying to wind up the dad with it?

Ah, yes, I was forgetting only one parent has to be there (if married) at registration. That is essentially what it was, it's just treated as a re-registration rather than a name change, when they are under a year old.

Why on Earth would you think he should keep his father's name?

We are a bog standard married all with same surname and teens got properly questioned when we travelled by ferry. So it’s not right this is never questioned. Absolutely agree with her she needs to legally change his name asap. Like hell will loser dad shift his arse to do anything about it.

As a child of a useless absentee father I'd have hated being stuck with his name when he's a stranger to me. It makes far more sense that the child shares a name with the primary carer parent. Unfortunately for your friend if he's on the BC it might not be easy to do if he objects.

Given name you would have a point but surname? No, I don't think you do.

I actually think I would stop being friends with you just because of this opinion alone, it speaks volumes

The child is 3, they won't really understand nor care if their surname is changed. I've read your updates and still failing to understand why you have this opinion. He is an absent father, she is a present single mother... why would she want her child to keep his name? Why do you think they should?

Because as a good friend I could see that this was something she is doing out of anger and hasn’t yet worked through the practicalities of it, or how it might be perceived by her son in the future.

to be reasonable you have to look at all the facts and the possible outcomes and weigh them up. As a friend I think I have a duty to suggest putting the brakes on and looking at things from other perspectives.

yes this little dude has his dads name, but as soon as was done it’s now his name.
my friend is trying to eradicate her ex, which I wholeheartedly would support her with if I had a sniper license but I felt an obligation to acknowledge that by doing so she is also eradicating a little nugget of her boy.

it might have zero implications or it might have heaps- would I be a good friend if I just let her charge on in anger?

It did happen to us when we went to Thailand.

Your friend cannot legally change the DC name without the dad's permission. And if he objects (which he likely will), he will likely win.

The best she can hope for is 'known as' on his school/gp/dentist etc records.

And yeah, shit as it is, she does need his permission to take the DC out of the country (despite most pps saying 'well I did it without any problems' it only takes one passport control officer to check and screw up the whole holiday. Best to get a residence order sorted now to prevent any future difficulties.)

Agree why do you hold this view? It’s weird. Also you are coming across as rather sanctimonious to your poor friend.

What nonsense. It’s not part of him. It’s just a name and I’d want my child to have my surname and not that of a stranger. I can guarantee a bit of 3 won’t even notice let alone give a shit

If I was the friend I’d fully see it as my ‘friend’ taking the side of my useless ex

I know many teens in similar family situations, the majority of which have chosen to change their name to their mum’s as a teenager when it’s much more of a faff.

I don’t see any harm in changing a toddler’s surname. It’d be different if she wanted to change his first name which he will recognise by now.

I don’t think she should keep the name.
I don’t think she should change it.
neither of those are my decision.

I think she should think it through more.
it’s not just the fathers name.
it’s the kids name too and that might be symbolic for him when he’s older. It might not.

seriously do you just agree with your friends on everything and not offer any advice or opinions? I’d be pretty frustrated as your friend and think the relationship was pretty shallow

I know many teens in similar family situations, the majority of which have chosen to change their name to their mum’s as a teenager when it’s much more of a faff.

I don’t see any harm in changing a toddler’s surname. It’d be different if she wanted to change his first name which he will recognise by now.

Sanctimonious? Really?
my friend would absolutely not agree. And as for taking his side - what a stupid argument, clearly from my updates and post you can see that my queries are around her sons perspectives, and her possible future regret I have never once mentioned the dads view, as yes I think his opinion is irrelevant

Once a child is named, the name belongs to the person and only that person. The name no longer belongs to the parent.

the child can change their name once they are an adult as they see fit. The child’s name might be changed in the case of an adoption, which if the child is old enough should only be done with their consent.

Agreed a child of 3 won’t but newsflash, he won’t always be three.

Is she really 'eradicating her little nugget of a boy?' Is she doing other things to worry you? As the name change alone doesn't amount to this?

I think being challenged and having different opinions is a great part of deep friendships.

But I also think if she can get Mr. Pork Knuckles to agree to the change then she should do it.

My children hate having their (abusive, generally shitty) father's surname but he wouldn't consent to official change. They are counting down to 18 when they will change.

It's not unusual for children worldwide to have their mother's surname.

Also I teach 5 year olds and at the start of each year we learn about our surnames and I do the register with them to get them to know their full names but they mostly don't have a scooby what it is before then.