Having an opinion on friend changing their kid's name

[Tinnedsalmonburgers]

I have a very good friend who has had a very shitty relationship with her sons father. Their son is three and the dad is a douchebag: all of the things, in and out when he feels like it, left my friend when baby was little kept pulling her strings about getting back together, falling through. Unreliable, emotionally manipulative, using time with the kid as a way to punish her, don’t even get me started on the child support—- anyway, agreed by all he’s a knob jockey.

anyway for the last 6 months he’s barely been around and my friend is accepting that he will never change and she’s doing this thing on her own. She’s stopped feeding into his drama and by all accounts he’s moved on to harass some poor other bugger.

my friend recently revealed she plans to change her sons surname to her last name, while to this point (and on his birth certificate) he has his dads.
we’re pretty good mates so I let her know my opinion (very gently and tactfully mind) that understandably it must piss her off that his name is ever present but this is a three y.o who has always had this name and it’s his name as well as pork knuckles.

I suggested it might be a decision she’s making in how she feels angry and she might regret it later if kiddo is upset that she did it and might be better to wait till he’s older and can choose for himself.

this was not well received and I’ve definitely upset her. I know we’re good enough to let it cool off for a week or two and il go round and say sorry I should have kept my mouth shut not my business but secretly sorry not sorry I said what I said.

am I unreasonable to think she should keep kids surname ?
does anyone have any experience of doing this (little people name change) and can share a nugget of wisdom with me?
I told her she’d probably need legal advice anyway as I guess she can’t just do it off her own back anyway, or maybe she can I don’t know

I think you are the one who sounds reactive and over emotional about this tbh.

your friend is in no way ‘ erasing ex from history ‘ or ‘forgetting he is biological father.’
She is just recognising the (no doubt painful) reality that her ex is not intending to be a parent, and making sensible, practical choices , for her and her son, to move forward in helpful ways. As her friend, You should be supporting her on this.
If ex comes back into the picture it won’t matter at all that son doesn’t have his name, what matters is what role he choses to have in his child’s life.
My DD has my name, her father is very much present and involved.

WTH?! 😱 the family courts are so bizarre.

YANBU

A child's name is a huge part of their identity

I don't think it should be changed

Shame she wasn’t advised to give her child her name in the first place, and leva this idiot off the birth certificate. Useless men are given a lot of power.

OP you are right that she needs legal support and if the father refuses a name change, even double barrelling, she will have to go to court.

I hope she is successful.

Huge numbers of women go through life with a name that wasn’t on their birth certificate.

Huge numbers of women seem to cope with changing a name that is a ‘huge part of their identity’

Many people here have taken the time to give their opinion on unsolicited advice. It just doesn't always align with yours.

I'm in the same situation as your friend, my DD has her fathers surname who she hasn't seen for years, I'm getting married later this year and will be looking into changing her name (my partner has brought her up for the last 10 years, it's actually my daughter who wants to change her name) I really regret at least not double barrelling her surname when she was born. Sounds like your friend is doing the best thing for her child and you should support her.

Legally, she's going to need dad to agree. If he agrees it's just a simple case of changing child's name by deed poll.

Section 13 of the the Children Act 1989 states “no person may cause a child to be known by a new surname… without EITHER the written consent of every person who has parental responsibility for the child; or the permission of the court”.

If dad drops out of the child's life completely, mum can go to to Magistrate's Court to apply for a name change. It will help her case if she keeps dad's surname as a child's middle name e.g. if the child is currently Ben Joseph SMITH, request the name change to become Ben Joseph, Smith BROWN. It shows intent not to willingly cut down dad completely out of the picture, but argues for a more cohesive family unit, sharing the same surname, if mum's surname replaces dad's.

However, will a complete name change stir it up with a vindictive ex?

Alternatively she might consider a double-barrelled name Ben Joseph BROWN-SMITH, which biological dad might be happier to sign off on. Then it's a simple name deed poll change. Dad just needs to sign a letter stating he gives his permission for the exact name change - You can download everything you need free of charge from a google search.

If dad is really unhappy about the proposed change, mum could also free-of-charge her name by deed poll to that of her children, and that of dad's .... I expect his new girlfriend would be encouraging him to sign an agreement to change the child's name instead .....

Just keep it all as friendly as possible.

Absolutely none of your business, even if it is a very good friend.

It's up to her. I doubt it will bother the child and good luck to her. YABU

my mum changed mine and my siblings surname back to her maiden name when we were younger myself high school while the others under 10 and best thing she ever done for all of us as we all hate him as he wasn’t present In our lives. Your friend knows best it is her kid and her life, if you ever get fucked about off your kids dad you might see it from her point of view. Also talking from experience my kids have their dads surname and wish I’d never done it as he’s now one of those dads who shows up for 10 minutes when it suits and doesn’t give a shit, so I’m seriously considering changing their names to mine aswell.
also don’t apologise if you don’t actually mean it as she will know your bullshitting if she’s as good a friend as you say 🤷🏻‍♀️just tell her you should have kept your opinion to your self.
i have read this back It sounds harsh how ive wrote it but im not meaning it to come across that way

I think it's a perfectly fine thing to do. He won't be very attached to his last name at three, and could be upsetting for him to have to write the last name of the dad who abandoned him all the time, or wonder why he doesn't have the same name as his mom.

Not your business at all.

If I were your friend I would want to change the name too. However, I have a feeling that she may need the consent of her ex to change the name that is on the birth certificate, especially if her ex is also listed on it as the father. Which may not be forthcoming.

So it might not be as straightforward as she would wish it to be.

Is Mr Walking Bag of Shit counted as having parental responsibility? (Laughable concept with men like him.) Because if he is, unfortunately she'll need his permission, and I can see him refusing it and giving her grief.

https://www.deedpoll.org.uk/can-i-change-my-childs-name/#:~:text=If%20a%20father%20has%20parental,contact%20whatsoever%20with%20the%20child.

All the more pity, because it sounds like his sole contribution to parenting was his sperm, and the child should be free of him.

(I changed to my mother's surname as soon as I was old enough to do so, and my father wasn't as big a toerag as this one.)

I doubt that she legally change his name without the father's permission.

she might regret it later if kiddo is upset that she did it and might be better to wait till he’s older and can choose for himself.

This was my Mum’s train of thought. I was born before their divorce was finalized (he was also a huge douchebag), and I bore his surname until 18 and 6 days, when we both signed the deed poll documents to cuange our surnames at the solicitor’s and then celebrated at my gran’s house. She never ever spoke a bad word against him to me until I was an adult and able to make my own mature choice. It was MY identity and she wasn’t going to change that.
It sounds like your friend wants to do this for HER. I get she wants to cut him off. Is she as unwilling to accept money from him? That’s an interesting question ehh?

Is she as unwilling to accept money from him? That’s an interesting question ehh?

No, it's not an interesting question. That money is for the child, and it's his responsibility. Why should she not accept what little he does to support his son?

My mum changed my name when I was 18 months old because my dad abandoned us and it was a headache having a different name from me. You’re massively unreasonable.

I'm with your friend, he should have his mother's name, the only parent who is raising him.

At 3 he'd have no concept of his surname anyway.

Two friends of mine were given their dead beat dads names. One changed her name in her 20s. The other hasn't changed her name as its the name everyone knows her by but she's given her child her mother's name.

I don't think you're unreasonable to voice your opinion, as that is the friendship you have and only you (and your friend) really have an opinion (ha! see what I did there?!) on that. Personally, I probably would have worded it as a "oh really? what's the process for that then?" and that would have given her time to think but that's because I would have tried to feel it out a bit first.

Many of the people on this thread have reacted how I assume she either reacted, or is internally reacting. She's furious. Not necessarily with you specifically, but that she's in this situation at all. I would hope she's given this a lot of thought and looked into what's involved.

As for the "he's 3 he doesn't know his name" people... he probably does but he's unlikely to have an attachment to his last name the same as he does his first, but he would recognise that it's the same as his mothers, that link. I could understand how your friend doesn't want to keep reminding him (or herself) of someone who abandoned him though and she probably wants to protect him the best way she can, which is to try and soften the memory of someone who hurts him.

Doing it before school is a good idea too.

If she’s going to change his name, now is the best time. I had issues with my daughters dad, my DD had his name and she was about 8 when I wanted to change it - but she had grown into her name and didn’t want the change.

Now as a teen she wants another surname (funnily enough not mine! Her grandma on her dads side because it sounds cool - typical teen)

Either way, she should do what she thinks is best - the younger her child the better.

Not the point of the thread but I’m amazed at so many posters stating that a 3 year old won’t know his surname.
My granddaughter is 2 and knows her full name, including 2 middle names. I taught my own children their full names from 2 years old as well - in case they got lost but also because it’s their identity

“Is she as unwilling to accept money from him? That’s an interesting question ehh?“ the op states “don’t even get me started on the child support” which indicates he doesn’t pay any money, or is problematic about it at the very least.
But even if he was paying child support, that would be because it’s a legal obligation due to children costing money to feed, clothe etc . If he’s a deadbeat parent with no involvement, how does a small monthly financial contribution mean that the child should have his name?

A friend of mine did this. Similar story with dad. He never even replied to the letter asking for consent, so it was done.

Is this based on experience or assumption? This isn’t an issue anywhere, ever - including airports, education, healthcare IME

I think OP was right to give their view to a close friend, but now gently bow out as it wasn’t welcomed