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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To always offer lunch - opinions

203 replies

Springtime111 · 18/05/2024 09:05

I just wanted to know if I'm unreasonable over something.

DH has 2 daughters with their own homes and partners. Growing up they lived with their mum, but regularly visited us, and I always made lovely meals when they came to visit, which was weekly.

Fast forward 16 years, they have their own lovely homes/partners etc, one local, (one an hour away) and I was looking forward to maybe the odd lunch cooked for us for a change, but when we visit (usually happens to be in the realms of lunchtime) they never have as much as made a sandwich or offered a biscuit! We end up grabbing a sandwich from a shop on the way home because we're starving.

Today, one is visiting with her DH and my DH has said we will do lunch for them.

If he wants to do it, that's fine, but tbh, I got a bit snappy and I've said I'm not helping, as it's never been reciprocated in 16 years and feels unfair to always be on us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2024 09:17

You're not being unreasonable at all. Your husband is more than welcome to be the cook and bottle washer if he so chooses.

Notimeforaname · 18/05/2024 09:22

Yanbu. Totally fine that he prepares the food as he's the one who offered.

Octavia64 · 18/05/2024 09:25

You are unreasonable to have done it for 16 years and never said "shall we come to you for lunch next Sunday?"

Put your big girl pants in and if you want them to cook you lunch suggest it.

MysteriousKor · 18/05/2024 09:25

Well, of course you’re not reasonable about adults offering other visiting adults food at mealtimes, but surely you’re not saying your stepdaughters should be grateful you fed them when they ‘visited’ weekly as children? I mean, think feeding your children/stepchildren is a normal parental job.

Trickabrick · 18/05/2024 09:28

Pretty sure feeding children when they visit over lunch is pretty much standard OP 😂 Totally get why it bothers you that it’s not reciprocated when they’re adults though.

Original poster
Springtime111 · 18/05/2024 09:29

Octavia64 · 18/05/2024 09:25

You are unreasonable to have done it for 16 years and never said "shall we come to you for lunch next Sunday?"

Put your big girl pants in and if you want them to cook you lunch suggest it.

I think I'd find it awkward to actually invite myself for lunch. I don't expect a 4 course meal, but it wouldn't hurt to stick a Quiche in the oven and throw a but of salad together. I'm annoyed DH has offered lunch, as now we have to faff about going out to get something in (as they are fussy eaters). I've said I'm not getting involved.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 18/05/2024 09:29

Them visiting as kids has nothing to do with this situation - you should feed children, it's what you do as part of care-giving during the time that they spend with you.

As adults it's different - because you can have conversations with adults. I never understand silent expectations - it just makes things messy. If you're making arrangements to visit then the simplest thing to say is: "As we're arriving around lunchtime, will we be eating with you, can we bring anything? Or should we have a late breakfast before we leave?" It really is that simple.

If you're feeling aggrieved then leave the meal preparation to your partner, given he is the one that proposed it.

16 years is a long time to hold a grudge for something that I bet neither daughter has ever even considered.

ThinWomansBrain · 18/05/2024 09:30

I think I'd arrive at their home with the supermarket sandwiches to make a point.
Or leave DH to it mid visit & find somewhere nice to have lunch.

Olika · 18/05/2024 09:30

Your DH can sort everything out as he is the one who promised lunch.

Original poster
Springtime111 · 18/05/2024 09:31

MysteriousKor · 18/05/2024 09:25

Well, of course you’re not reasonable about adults offering other visiting adults food at mealtimes, but surely you’re not saying your stepdaughters should be grateful you fed them when they ‘visited’ weekly as children? I mean, think feeding your children/stepchildren is a normal parental job.

I don't think they should be grateful. I did it as kindness, and always went above and beyond to do things they liked. They were both mid teens at the time.
But.....I did think now that they're adults, occasionally we would be fed when we visit 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Westfacing · 18/05/2024 09:32

Lovely meals on their weekly visits doesn't mean you were a lovely stepmother!

If you've not so much as been offered a biscuit in the past 16 years then there's likely to be some underlying resentment of you and your husband, deserved or not.

Yerroblemom1923 · 18/05/2024 09:33

Feeding kids is just the norm and if you've always done it they'll always expect it. I know they're grown up now but it probably hasn't even crossed their minds to reciprocate. I wouldn't take it personally just have the convo and address the issue. They'll probably be mortified that it had to be pointed out to them but expect decent lunches made fir you in future!

Original poster
Springtime111 · 18/05/2024 09:33

Trickabrick · 18/05/2024 09:28

Pretty sure feeding children when they visit over lunch is pretty much standard OP 😂 Totally get why it bothers you that it’s not reciprocated when they’re adults though.

They were mid teens and came primarily to visit Dad, so it wasn't my responsibility per se to cook, but I always did. I'm not continuing in adulthood though if it's never reciprocated, that seems unfair.

OP posts:
BusyCM · 18/05/2024 09:35

Some people don't like hosting meals. I'm not a confident cook, we don't have fancy crockery or serveware and no extra seats at our dining table. It's awkward. We do Christmas for my parents and BBQs in the summer but no random lunches offered. Also we shop to a meal plan and often don't have 'extra' food for ad hoc invitations.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 18/05/2024 09:35

YANBU - I couldn’t imagine having someone over and not offering them food, snacks and drinks and I’m a horrible cook so usually just do nibbly bits or a take away - my shout -

Although I’m also petty so I would do a great big roast then say sorry not much 😉😉😉 for lunch today

Original poster
Springtime111 · 18/05/2024 09:36

Westfacing · 18/05/2024 09:32

Lovely meals on their weekly visits doesn't mean you were a lovely stepmother!

If you've not so much as been offered a biscuit in the past 16 years then there's likely to be some underlying resentment of you and your husband, deserved or not.

There isn't any underlying issues I'm aware of. We all get on great. I've never been overly invasive, they see their Dad whenever, alone or with me and we are very friendly. I don't think it's deeper rooted, more laziness that when we visit they never offer food and we always have to get a sandwich after 😂

OP posts:
Guardiansoulmates · 18/05/2024 09:38

I would be intimidated by cooking for you if I were in their position.

OnehundredStars · 18/05/2024 09:38

That’s poor form on their behalf op

you’re right to stick to your guns
its not hard to buy a cooked chicken and salad at the minimum

I wouldn’t be as keen to visit if you feel they don’t really make any effort at all

Original poster
Springtime111 · 18/05/2024 09:38

ThinWomansBrain · 18/05/2024 09:30

I think I'd arrive at their home with the supermarket sandwiches to make a point.
Or leave DH to it mid visit & find somewhere nice to have lunch.

I did think about doing this! Not out of pettiness, but just so I can actually enjoy our visit without wanting to leave to eat!

OP posts:
Einwegflasche · 18/05/2024 09:39

Are you invited or do you invite yourselves?
Is it near a meal time?
TBH unless I had invited someone specifically for food/near meal time then I wouldn't be offering them much other than a cuppa and a biccie (which I realise they haven't offered either).

Original poster
Springtime111 · 18/05/2024 09:40

Guardiansoulmates · 18/05/2024 09:38

I would be intimidated by cooking for you if I were in their position.

They know I'm pretty regular and happy with a pizza and chips or a butty! I'm not fancy 😂 I don't think it's that, more just thoughtlessness.

OP posts:
Sparrow7 · 18/05/2024 09:41

Just ask them!

PoppingTomorrow · 18/05/2024 09:41

Who's suggesting the lunchtime visits to them - them or you? Presumably if they're not eating while you're there then they eat either before or after your visit?
Do they have children?

StormingNorman · 18/05/2024 09:42

It’s unusual not to provide lunch when people visit at lunchtime.

You might be able to get the ball rolling by sending a quick, casual text asking if they’d like you to bring something towards lunch…

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow for lunch. I’m off to Waitrose in a bit. Is there anything I can bring?

FTPM1980 · 18/05/2024 09:42

Who arranges the time of the visits and are you invited or just show up?