To always offer lunch - opinions

[Springtime111]

I just wanted to know if I'm unreasonable over something.

DH has 2 daughters with their own homes and partners. Growing up they lived with their mum, but regularly visited us, and I always made lovely meals when they came to visit, which was weekly.

Fast forward 16 years, they have their own lovely homes/partners etc, one local, (one an hour away) and I was looking forward to maybe the odd lunch cooked for us for a change, but when we visit (usually happens to be in the realms of lunchtime) they never have as much as made a sandwich or offered a biscuit! We end up grabbing a sandwich from a shop on the way home because we're starving.

Today, one is visiting with her DH and my DH has said we will do lunch for them.

If he wants to do it, that's fine, but tbh, I got a bit snappy and I've said I'm not helping, as it's never been reciprocated in 16 years and feels unfair to always be on us.

AIBU?

@Springtime111
"We usually say 'we will be with you around lunchtime, about 12-1"

To be honest, I'd probably deliberately not feed someone who did that!!!!

Well, no I wouldn't-because I'm half Irish and half Italian so I feed anyone who stands still long enough- but I can see why others would.

I'd always offer visitors lunch, especially family. This would never be conditional on it being reciprocated (disclaimer: we aren't living month to month, I would think differently if we were short of money).

In your position I'd arrange visits away from meal times and eat before you go / when you get back. You could easily take a packet of biscuits with you and say 'put the kettle on, I'll open these'

Yes I find it odd and rude that they don't feed you, but there are so many reasons why that might be.

God you sound just like my parents!

We’d like to just be able to pop in to see them, have them pop in to see us. Have it not be a big deal.

But every time we go to them they start setting the table and getting the spare chairs out. It’s too much! We’re not visitors, we’re family! They would see a lot more of us if they didn’t make such a fuss.

Similarly when they pop over to us, they are all dressed up as if they’re going on a bloody cruise. I’d love it if they could just let themselves in and pop the kettle on.

Also, we don’t eat lunch at the weekends. We have brunch instead. So unless someone is either invited for lunch, or asks for it, it wouldn’t even occur to me. (They’d always be offered tea and biscuits/cake/scones though).

Maybe it’s a generation thing but I think it’s rude and thoughtless.

A sandwich, cuppa and a cake or biscuit not a lot of effort for expected visitors at any time of the day, in my opinion - unexpected visitors obviously different case.

Not sure why the OP getting interrogated about the detail, the opening post makes it very clear.

Deffo let your husband do the shopping and cooking when they visit.

When you are asking them when it suits for you to see them, you could say something like When does suit - before or after lunch? Or perhaps for lunch?

Honestly I have just got up.

I'm just finishing my breakfast.

Ok I'm old and if someone messages me to say they'll be dropping in at about lunchtime I do get lunch stuff in but if they are young they are quite possibly thinking oh god we've got to get up early because X and Y are coming so they've only just had breakfast.

You are hinting. Hinting isn't communication. And you are very unreasonable to expect them to reciprocate for meals you cooked when they were teenagers.

If you want lunch with them book a restaurant.

Not sure why the OP getting interrogated about the detail, the opening post makes it very clear.

It's really not clear - it reads like she's inviting herself over at lunchtime then and getting annoyed when she's not fed anything. It doesn't say anywhere that she's been invited for any kind of meal.

I don't think so.
MIL never invites us for food. If she invited us round there was no food, if it was to be a mealtime "visit" the plan would be to go out.
She makes plans with OH to come round and often it's a really awkward times. But I would only cook on special occasions where the whole point of the visit was a celebration.

My parents it's a much more easy going thing. We pop in as an when we like, we invite them round with an hours notice. If we go to them they always provide drinks and the kids have a biscuit. Only if it was a sunny day and we were planning a BBQ would they be fed.

It would rarely be lunch either. Day times are for jobs and chores. We tend to have visits with or without meals late afternoon.

Your DH should have educated his children a lot earlier, on how to be hospitable and thoughtful to the needs of others, and to reciprocate for all the years they were afforded that care. I can't imagine not offering visitors anything nice to eat and drink, that's outrageous.

I feel for you.
yanbu

my in-laws do this to us.
they expect cooked meals every time they come here but when we go over (begrudgingly I must say) they rarely make anything!!

my love language is food. They don’t have one.

I suppose you could speak to DH about this?
tbh I went through a phase where I stopped cooking for them when they came over (was pregnant / miscarriages) and they got very angry about it. It wasn’t acceptable behaviour in their eyes - but it’s acceptable for them to have us over and not feed us?

anyway, I find cooking for them less of a chore and more something I just do. I think some people just don’t “get it” and aren’t hospitable- my mom always taught me to look after your guests (she’s a feeder too!)

I honestly think, if it’s upsetting you, you should stop but let your DH carry on..

Isn’t it just possible that these people don’t do lunch at weekends? We tend to have a big, late breakfast/brunch (avocado toast or pancakes or omelettes etc) and then not eat again till dinner time. Visitors ‘in the realms of lunchtime’ wouldn’t necessarily automatically strike me as likely to be expecting a meal.

My sense is that my parents’ generation has (i) much more fixed expectations of mealtimes and (ii) more fixed ideas about hosting and food. If I offer my parents a cup of tea when they’re here, they’ll say ‘oh, no, we just had lunch’ or ‘We’ll be having dinner in an hour’, because for them ‘a cup of tea’ is shorthand for cake, biscuits, sandwiches etc, whereas I literally just mean a cup of tea.

Even if it would be a stretch for the host to provide a 'nice' meal for several more people?

Those saying a sandwich, Crisps, cake scones etc would be fine... that's still at £15 for an extra loaf, a couple of sandwich options, a cake, a multipack of Crisps etc etc

The OP isn't being invited for lunch, she's presuming that hinting at 12-1 arrival is lunchtime..... we have teens and that wouldn't be lunchtime on our house. We eat at 10/11 for breakfast, 3 ish for lunch and 8 ish for dinner.

I don't understand why the OP always visits at lunchtime when she knows there will be nothing on offer and then ends up starving hungry. Why not visit earlier or later? I do agree though that never to have been offered a morcel of food in 16 years is pretty unreal.

Agree OP, doesn’t matter who you are if you visit at mealtime you get fed. Even if it’s a cheese sandwich.

It just hasn't occurred to them. This is part of growing up. Take a quiche or similar over for the next few lunchtime visits and they should cotton on.

What , so they couldn’t even offer a biscuit in 16 years ?????? I’m sure they could , no, it’s not because they can’t afford a biscuit, it’s because they are thoughtless and tight .

Get your husband to arrange your visit to see them.

He can then say "as it will be lunchtime will we eating at your house"?

Simple!

This! Simply change the time of the visit to allow you guys to have lunch either before or after.

This seems very weird on their part. To invite you round at mealtimes then not even a small snack?
Do they ever eat anything themselves at home?
Definitely no more cooking for them. Your husband can do it. Doesn't need to be anything fancy. Just withdraw your catering services fully.
If they ask for a meal just say. 'after 16 years I think it might be your turn to cook. For the eternal foreseeable future.'

If they’ve been living independently for sixteen years I’d say they’re well and truly grownup by now.

I think that if you are saying you'll be visiting and come between 12 and 1, you are basically inviting yourself for lunch, if the general expectation is that you are seeing each other for more than 20 minutes. Unless you know that they dont eat lunch at all.

This is what I was thinking. Perhaps they are more brunch and dinner people at the weekends. But even in that situation I'd offer a biscuit.

If it's that important to you I'd text and say you are stopping at Waitrose and say is there anything you can contribute towards lunch. If you say can I get anything for lunch they might tell you to get everything.

That's not how looking after kids works though! Mid teens are children so of course you would give them lunch when they visited your home
. I also always fed my children and still invite them to lunch , dinner regularly now they are grown and have their own homes. I rarely go to theirs for meals because they have very busy lives and I don't expect them to feed me too. I will still invite them for meals though!
have never thought I won't feed you anymore because you don't feed me. I find that a very odd reaction .

Unless we’ve arranged lunch then I wouldn’t expect to eat at someone’s house if I was visiting. I pop round to family all the time and sometimes lunch is arranged as it’s been discussed and sometimes it’s not. I don’t think it’s a given that food is going to be provided when visiting anyone.

Why do you always go at lunchtime if they don't give you lunch? Can't you and DH go out for a nice lunch local to kids and then go round and see them? Or say let's go out for lunch and meet on a local to them pub. I don't get the fascination with lunch.