To always offer lunch - opinions

[Springtime111]

I just wanted to know if I'm unreasonable over something.

DH has 2 daughters with their own homes and partners. Growing up they lived with their mum, but regularly visited us, and I always made lovely meals when they came to visit, which was weekly.

Fast forward 16 years, they have their own lovely homes/partners etc, one local, (one an hour away) and I was looking forward to maybe the odd lunch cooked for us for a change, but when we visit (usually happens to be in the realms of lunchtime) they never have as much as made a sandwich or offered a biscuit! We end up grabbing a sandwich from a shop on the way home because we're starving.

Today, one is visiting with her DH and my DH has said we will do lunch for them.

If he wants to do it, that's fine, but tbh, I got a bit snappy and I've said I'm not helping, as it's never been reciprocated in 16 years and feels unfair to always be on us.

AIBU?

No, it was his responsibility.

My step son & gf are exactly the same. We take sandwiches with us or at tea time (still no offer) we bring something or order something! They are just young & thoughtless!!

Yes, I’d do that. I wouldn’t always invite them if they don’t ever offer to pay their way though. Presuming they are all working adults.

Your or DP haven’t taught them to host. I needed these things spelt out to me. Always offer your guests a drink, make sure people are fed, etc.

And then some communication. “ You two are old enough to host us now, we’ve done years of it. When’s your turn, eh?”

“Any chance of a drink?” every time you arrive. Why are you quietly seething?!

My DSS & his lovely GF live close to us. When they bought their house 4 years ago me & DH were the first they invited for a meal. They haven’t invited us to anything since! I used to get narked about it, particularly because both of their mum’s get invited a lot despite doing nothing for them when we do loads. I got over it by realising that they love coming over to us and feel so relaxed. They come over every week for a meal and pop in and out. They’re much more relaxed with us than they are with their own mums which says such a lot to both me and DH.

Does anyone actually say "let's all have lunch together"?

We had a late breakfast, didn't have lunch until 3pm!

Maybe they just have different eating patterns at the weekend?

This.

Maybe they are stuck in parent-child mode.
I am a feeder and would never have a person over for coffee without baking something, or offering lunch or dinner.

However whenever I’m at my parents I find myself lolling on the sofa waiting for my parent to make me something. I go into child mode.

But that’s if it’s a mealtime for the people you’re visiting, surely? We never eat lunch at weekends, like a lot of people. We get up later, eat a bigger than usual breakfast later, and there isn’t time or need for another meal before dinner time. Someone visiting at 1/ 1.30 on Saturday wouldn’t be at anything I think of as an obvious mealtime.

I think sometimes people take the older generation for granted - almost like it’s their pleasure to have visitors. We pop into my in-laws for lunch as dh says they enjoy seeing us. They hardly ever come here but they don’t travel well. Horses for courses. When my kids are grown I hope they always feel welcome. But next time perhaps offer to bring something for lunch to get them thinking

They’re not being invited at lunchtime though, the OP is inviting herself at lunchtime and is then disappointed there’s no lunch!! I agree, it’s rude not to offer to feed visitors who are there at a meal time, but it’s also pretty rude to invite yourself to lunch.

Nah. My BIL just doesn't "get" hosting yet. Had us all over "for lunch" on his birthday. 12-3pm.

No more than biscuits offered. They'd got up late and had a large breakfast, and didn't offer anything to us.

I was pregnant and feeling fucking faint by the end.

When I was mid twenties, I was at least savvy enough to avoid lunchtime rather than make lunch, but lots of younger people are crap hosts.

This defo. Don't take it personally! 🙂

Maybe they are stuck in parent-child mode.

I wondered about that.

But then I'd ask my kids if they were about to eat & if not had they got stuff in for sandwiches/cheese on toast/omelette so I could make myself something!

You sound such a martyr going on about having fed them all these years and now you don’t want to feed them when they come to yours and resent your DH for offering. If he wants to feed his own children (and they will always be his children, no matter how old they are) it’s nothing to do with you. If you insist on being involved begrudgingly that’s more martyrdom from you.

You say you’re not fancy and trying to make yourself sound easygoing so why don’t you or DH just say next time, “Lovely, can you get some sandwich stuff in or bung a pizza in the oven, we’re always starving when we leave yours!” I can’t imagine being unable to say that to my grown up DC or why it’s so difficult for you.

And I suspect you’ve deliberately worded your thread title so that the poll says you’re right, even though it’s asking if you are unreasonable to always offer lunch, which isn’t the point of the thread at all. You can offer lunch to whoever you want, but you resent offering lunch which is some**what different.

@Tryingtokeepgoing ah, I missed that bit. Yeah, if I just turned up uninvited I wouldn't expect feeding. I guess if they were eating and there was enough to spare it would be polite to offer.
But yeah, in that case it's pretty different. I guess they both just have to never feed eachother?!

Maybe they think you are a CF for inviting yourself over at lunch time? And don't offer you a biscuit even because you might start expecting more. Or think you are a CF for inviting yourself around then not bringing a "gift" like a cake or biscuits for the host?

Op I would say try not to be offended, sometimes it's a generational thing (sometimes not always and I'm not saying that doesn't mean it's rude) and i don't think these kids think about feeding us in the same way we as parents think about them. That said yes I agree it's rude but I'm just thinking why don't you say to them next time , shall we bring some sandwiches when we come so we can all have lunch together, that way you guys aren't starving and you don't need to get worked up ( which is understandable of course) about them being rude and you never know it might give them a kick up the backside to be a bit more thoughtful.

So if they were what 16/17 16 years ago then they're in their 30s now? How long have they had their own places? I mean this must have been going on for what getting on for 10 years and you've never said anything??

But yes very, very odd for adults not to feed guests. I can't believe people are saying they probably just never thought about it!! 🤯

They are a family so it's both of their responsibilities. What's the point in bringing your families together just to be a bitch to your step kids. Its vile to begrudge kids some food because you're not their bio parent .

They wouldn't possibly think this as they are always eating at ops house. They might be thoughtless but to begrudge putting some food out for your dad and step parent who feed you all the time is shame on their part not op.

I wouldn't offer somebody lunch if they just popped over. I never have enough food in to do that to be honest as it's just me and DS, and my place isn't really big enough to host meals (poky flat). I'd always offer a drink/biscuits at least though. But then I would never expect someone to make me lunch either if I went over unless it was a specific lunch invitation.

If I invited someone to my house around 11.30 to 13.30 I’d offered them lunch. If they invited themselves at that time I wouldn’t.

Are you sure of what time they eat lunch when they're on their own schedule? I'd just ask! "Should we eat beforehand or will we be eating together? Can we bring anything?"
It sounds like your visits are fairly short so maybe they're not realising, although if they're literally saying "come over at lunchtime" and not offering food that's a bit odd of them - if theyre suggesting a day and you say you'll come "at lunchtime, 12-1" maybe they're focusing on the timings and not thinking about food if they have another plan for themselves

My late husband finished up telling me that he wasn't having me chasing around after his adult children: he'd book and pay for a meal at a local restaurant.