To always offer lunch - opinions

[Springtime111]

I just wanted to know if I'm unreasonable over something.

DH has 2 daughters with their own homes and partners. Growing up they lived with their mum, but regularly visited us, and I always made lovely meals when they came to visit, which was weekly.

Fast forward 16 years, they have their own lovely homes/partners etc, one local, (one an hour away) and I was looking forward to maybe the odd lunch cooked for us for a change, but when we visit (usually happens to be in the realms of lunchtime) they never have as much as made a sandwich or offered a biscuit! We end up grabbing a sandwich from a shop on the way home because we're starving.

Today, one is visiting with her DH and my DH has said we will do lunch for them.

If he wants to do it, that's fine, but tbh, I got a bit snappy and I've said I'm not helping, as it's never been reciprocated in 16 years and feels unfair to always be on us.

AIBU?

TeaandScandal
They’re so good!!!!!

I can see why, but I imagine they are grateful for your kindness and generosity. I would eat on the floor to enjoy time with my children and grandchildren.

This.

Thats sweet of you!

However we have mismatched plates and odd forks, and they use grape scissors and sugar sifters.

I do feel like I will be judged (particularly as the DIL)!

You are not being unreasonable.
This is my sister. Drives me bloody mad!

That's just an age thing surely. It used to matter about matching dinner services and best silver etc. My parents have several dinner services that they get out for special occasions. We just have one set of stuff.. well not even a set really as some doesn't match.

OP you say they lived with their mum when they were growing up... Maybe she didn't ever make food for visitors either. It might just be what they've grown up with.

If you are visiting them do you take some food with you? Personally I would never really turn up to someone's house without at least a packet of biscuits unless it was a very last minute visit. If going for a meal I would offer to contribute or just take something that they can use or keep (or give back at the end) if they prefer.

I just think it's a little odd that they never even offer you a biscuit - what do they do with the things you take? If you never take anything I think that's rude.

My parents turn up with cakes or biscuits or packs of coffee, MIL brings sausage rolls or custard tarts, FIL turned up with some steaks and a roasting duck one time.

😂😂😂😂
I'll be round at lunch time tomorrow.

Your dh is clearly happy with the way you live, if he doesn’t care what his parents think (and that’s assuming they actually are judging you), why should you?

I think you will need a table for your child's benefit. They can hardly eat on their lap!

Baby has a high chair with table. We do have a low coffee table that we and baby use for meals too.

High chair with tray *

You fed them out of kindness😂😂😂. I am pretty sure your husband was legally obliged to feed his children when in his care.

you are conflating two issues - they don’t owe you lunch because you helped your husband met the most basic requirements of parenting.

yes as adults they should be better hosts - but why bring up that you fed them as children! Very odd.

Hmmm , kindness and generosity for seeing the grandkids ? Also, she didn’t say she pays for the meal .

Have you misunderstood who I was replying to? I was replying to the post that said they didn’t have a table and serve lunch on laps when gps visit. I was simply saying I wouldn’t judge anyone for that and would be happy to be served lunch in any way it came and to enjoy being with my grandchild. It’s clear she paid for and cooked the lunch 🤷🏼‍♀️

Although that's coming from a really kind place, if it was me I'd take it as a criticism that I wasn't capable of being able to make a meal. I loved it when I got my own place and was able to make a meal for my parents.

But they're happy to go over to their DF's for lunch? It's just basic manners to reciprocate.

Don't offer a biscuit because they might expect more?? What like a slice of cake too? You sound very stingy!

And you always get made lunch yet never offer food in return but also expect to be bought a gift for 'hosting'?? I know who the CF is and it's not the OP!

No , I know who you were replying too . The one that feels embarrassed to serve them lunch on a plate on a lap so that she then basically always suggests going out to eat . She never mentioned she pays to go out to eat .

The way OP says it she invites DSD for lunch but also invites herself over to theirs at lunch time

Maybe they don't want lunch with her but feel rude saying no when invited.

And I can well imagine a poster on MN asking "my DP keep inviting themselves over at lunch time clearly so we'll feed them. AIBU to not want to do this every time?" And getting replies telling them not to offer anything at all as they'll get the hint

I can’t believe posters who say you are unreasonable. The bare minimum given to any one visiting my house is tea/coffee/soft drinks. Biscuits/ slice of cake offered.
If anyone were driving an hour to see me I would make sandwiches and let them know beforehand.
My DH has 2 adult children. One always gives us drinks and offers snacks, sandwiches. The other is lazy and thoughtless and it takes all their time to make us a cup of tea.
Your DHs children are adults now and should follow the usual conventions.

So when step-daughters visit you, YOUR preferred style of visit was you making lunch for everyone.

Neither of them have ever made lunch for you and husband - so what is THEIR preferred style of visit?

You can only say "never cooks" because you've obviously been disappointed many times.

Have you ever considered using the power of speech, and asking them whether you're staying for lunch and they're cooking, or whether you should all go out for lunch?

Your offended silence to them and entitlement that they should follow your method of hosting is deafening.

When they next come visit and your husband cooks, and you're not stomping around in anger - why can't you ask, "Hey when we're at yours between 12-2, what do you do for lunch?" "We don't want to be rude, but we're famished when we leave."

If they suggest inviting you around for just the afternoons - take it as read they either can't cook or don't want the visit to include a meal.

But you know making a meal is a lot of prep and work. Why can't you all nip out for a cafe or pub lunch when visiting them?

YANBU, I have the same with family, they hint to be invited for dinner and I have had them over many times, but they never invite me.

I’ve now stopped inviting them and ignored all hints for invitations.

Absolutely stop cooking for them. Go for a walk on the day they visit and come back just as they arrive and sit down to a lovely meal made by your DH.

He needs to see that if he wants to feed them lunch, HE needs to cook it.

It was never her job to feed them, it was DH’s job.

Oh God if they didn’t want lunch they wouldn’t come over. Don’t over complicate it.

Honestly, it sounds like they are young and not really in the habit of entertaining other people yet. I would just go with the flow until they are a bit older. Either have lunch on your way to visit them, or arrange to meet them in a pub or cafe where you can order a sandwich or salad.