To always offer lunch - opinions

[Springtime111]

I just wanted to know if I'm unreasonable over something.

DH has 2 daughters with their own homes and partners. Growing up they lived with their mum, but regularly visited us, and I always made lovely meals when they came to visit, which was weekly.

Fast forward 16 years, they have their own lovely homes/partners etc, one local, (one an hour away) and I was looking forward to maybe the odd lunch cooked for us for a change, but when we visit (usually happens to be in the realms of lunchtime) they never have as much as made a sandwich or offered a biscuit! We end up grabbing a sandwich from a shop on the way home because we're starving.

Today, one is visiting with her DH and my DH has said we will do lunch for them.

If he wants to do it, that's fine, but tbh, I got a bit snappy and I've said I'm not helping, as it's never been reciprocated in 16 years and feels unfair to always be on us.

AIBU?

Hello are you joining in from 1940? You can buy quiche and pizza in the supermarket these days.

OK so you're asking when is convenient and they say "around lunchtime" but don't then specific a particular time and neitheryou nor your DH asks?

If I was hosting visitors I'd expect to have a conversation about when I wanted them/when they planned to arrive, especially if I was going to feed them!

I suspect they don't want to cater for you which is a shame and if I were your DH I'd have a conversation, and at the very least plan to visit at a time that you and I would be wanting to eat.

And I'd probably stop preparing lunch for them.

Have your lunch and then go would be the easiest option surely?

It is cheekery fuckery and entitled behaviour from your step daughters to take advantage of your hospitality and not reciprocate.

I think it's incredibly bad manners not to offer a biscuit or a sandwich lunch. Especially as they've enjoyed your cooking over the years.

Tomorrow at the end of lunch mention that you're looking forward to Sunday lunch at theirs next time.

Sorry, but if they’re now adults, with their own homes and partners, it bloody well should have occurred to them to reciprocate!

I’d be telling dh it’s entirely down to him, too.

It's lunch!

How hard is it to provide sandwiches, crisps and other bits? Or cheese, pate, bread and a bit of salad?

I hate cooking and am not a cook but I could run to that!

I wouldn't offer to pick something up from the shops...there is the chance that you'll be pretty much getting lunch and get into the habit of providing lunch at yours, and theirs. Why don't you just say that it would be nice to spend a bit more time with them, would it be OK to stay for lunch, or something

Yeah this.

He should be tackling this.

They haven't given you and their father even a biscuit in 16 years so I'd say it's a bit late to start playing mind games with them!

This!
Visit after lunch. Go somewhere nice close to them and have lunch before you visit.

I would be miffed if it was friends. But I have to say, i don't expect my children to feed me-I always offer to take food or take them out.

It is good manners, they’re just bloody rude.

What time are you actually there? If it's covering the full 12-2.30 slot I'd consider lunchtime then yes, you're right to be miffed they're not giving you lunch. It would be a deliberate choice, as presumably they're aware they're skipping lunch themselves.

If you're just popping in for an hour at some point in that time, it could just be a mistake and they haven't realised. I can see how as children become adults themselves, things like reciprocating meals might not occur to them.

But aren’t your children adults ? You may not expect it, but they should offer it too .

I agree op . I think that’s quite unbelievable that they have never offered to make you both a meal at all . My son and dil and the kids visit us frequently and I feed them dinners with nothing held back .We do get invited to theirs occasionally and there is always a meal . I just don’t understand how someone cannot even have a biscuit for guests . I find it bizarre . Actually, I find it the height of bad manners . It’s your husband‘s fault anyway, he should’ve taught them better. They have no manners .

@Tourmalines "But aren’t your children adults ? You may not expect it, but they should offer it too ."

Yes, they are adults. But they lead busy and stressful lives- and would always help me if I asked. I like to "mother" them a little sometimes.

YANBU OP. To not even offer biscuits or a sandwich is the height of meanness

Surely they manage to feed themselves on a regular basis despite their busy, stressful lives?
Adding an extra place at the table doesn’t cause any extra stress.

One more plate at the table isn’t much to ask now again especially as you mother them so much . I just don’t get it .

Some of these posts are ridiculous. If someone visits you at lunchtime, you feed them. If you don't, you are rude. The OP modelled this for years with the daughters, so they don't seem to have any excuse not to know this.

YANBU to make your DH do the hosting, given their inability to be hospitable to you.

@TeaandScandal "Surely they manage to feed themselves on a regular basis despite their busy, stressful lives?
Adding an extra place at the table doesn’t cause any extra stress."

Of course they do and of course it doesn't. But a day off never did anyone any harm. It's just not a big deal.

Giving children lunch when they are with you is par for the course. Is your resentment more that you always did it rather than their actual dad? And the same for when they visit you as adults.

They weren’t exactly “visiting” when they were kids were they? It was surely also their house?

But quite right that their actual dad needs to take some part in the food provision. And yes obviously if you go to someone’s house, pre arranged, for a meal time you would expect to be fed.

YANBU.

I can't stand people who enjoy hospitality provided by other but do not reciprocate. They are massive cheeky fuckers, if you don't want to host people then don't accept their hospitality.

OP I'd mention to the stepdaughter that you'll be at x pub/restaurant at x time for Sunday lunch & they're welcome to join. The menu is £x per head & get there 15 mins early and order and pay for your lunch first. This way you're not saddled with their bill out of obligation. I do this with my bil as he's a notorious user.

My parents fed me 3x a day, 365 days a year throughout my childhood. It was their role as parents and I don't think I owe them meals because of it now I'm am adult, no matter how much effort they put in. I do understand that it's not easy to have this perspective if they're not your kids, you're not a parent and they were 'visiting' rather than living with you but I think my view is still ultimately valid.

Now they're adults it's something different and no, I don't think it should be so one sided and yanbu. I'm going to contradict myself though because we always eat at my in laws...my MIL loves to host and my FIL prefers to be at home. And we go to my parents much more than they come to us...they still like to 'look after' me and they also always like to pay if we eat out as well. I can see this might make me seem a bit unreasonable but I actually don't think this is that unusual...my friends are similar and I've no doubt I'll do the same for my son when he grows up.

I think its odd that they invite you at lunchtime and don't offer food. But if someone said to me 'come round at 12' I would just ask them upfront what are we doing about lunch!