To always offer lunch - opinions

[Springtime111]

I just wanted to know if I'm unreasonable over something.

DH has 2 daughters with their own homes and partners. Growing up they lived with their mum, but regularly visited us, and I always made lovely meals when they came to visit, which was weekly.

Fast forward 16 years, they have their own lovely homes/partners etc, one local, (one an hour away) and I was looking forward to maybe the odd lunch cooked for us for a change, but when we visit (usually happens to be in the realms of lunchtime) they never have as much as made a sandwich or offered a biscuit! We end up grabbing a sandwich from a shop on the way home because we're starving.

Today, one is visiting with her DH and my DH has said we will do lunch for them.

If he wants to do it, that's fine, but tbh, I got a bit snappy and I've said I'm not helping, as it's never been reciprocated in 16 years and feels unfair to always be on us.

AIBU?

No DC
we visit one a month or every other month. Usually we will plan a weekend visit around lunchtime a week or 2 in advance as they lead busy lives socially, so plenty of time to get a Quiche or pizza in. I'm not expecting an a la carte meal, but always thought it was manners to offer a bite to eat of you have close family visiting around lunchtime. Maybe I'm old fashioned 😂

When are they eating if you’re visiting around lunchtime? It does sound a bit rubbish - they could arrange to go out if they don’t want to cook.

You are still not being clear
Who is we?
Is it you? Your DH or the kids?
Do you say "lunchtime" or do you say we will be there at 11?
Or at 1pm
If someone was arriving at 11am I might expect them to only stay and hour and have lunch after.
If some us arriving at 1pm I might assume they had lunch before.
If I was inviting someone for lunch I would be specific otherwise its not included.

Well imo they haven't been raised with basic manners. Even if they were to say 'we've just cobbled something together' or 'sorry not had time to shop'. It's rude but they aren't your children so 🤷‍♀️

That said no-one made you do their lunch when they were teens - why didn't your DH do it? Personally I wouldn't be annoyed your DH has offered, they are his children. I wouldn't even say 'well I'm not doing it' I would simply be quiet and get on with my day and not do anything for the lunch. If he asks what's for lunch I'd look a bit confused and say, don't know what are you planning!

Next time you plan your visit, ask “are you doing lunch or shall I bring some for us all?”
And if necessary take lunch along - salad, quiche or cooked chicken.

I’d not fall out with her over a £5 lunch, just take it along yourself.

Ooh yes, this is good! I'll try this! Thanks !

'We will plan a visit....'

Who plans the visit?

Surely though, if you're arranging to visit the conversation is "shall we come to you for lunch" or "when will you be eating lunch" or similar. Unless they are inviting you to come over at 12.30 and then not offering anything?

Can your DH not ask "DD we seem to have crossed wires - because you asked us over for 1pm we thought that was a lunch plan but we clearly misunderstood and ended up getting a sandwich on the way home. What's a better time for you?"

Just me and DH.
We usually say 'we will be with you around lunchtime, about 12-1, (hint!) But nada 😂😂

If you did this to me, I might go along with it once and then I'd avoid an 'around lunchtime' visit in future. Very presumptuous.

I don't think all these questions of who, what, where are really needed. If anyone invites me to their house around lunchtime and not even offer a biscuit, I would find it unusual. If it happens all the time, I would find it thoughtless. YANBU OP, let DH handle it.

Both.
They come to us sometimes, other times we visit them. If it's our turn to visit, we just ask when is convenient. It's not complicated.

I know you say "can easily whip a quiche or pizza in" but if I'm making quiche, for example, I usually make the pastry the evening before so it can rest in the fridge and then do all the blind baking malarkey, add and cook the filling the next day. Quiche does take some planning.
I'm sure pizza dough etc is a similar scenario although have never made pizza from scratch.

That's not what your other reply says.

Maybe we need to aim our visits around 10am to avoid being hungry, and in future if they visit say 'feel free to pop over after lunchtime', then nobody needs to feed anyone!

Why is this complicated?

One lives close. One an hour away.

We all want to see each other. Sometimes at ours, sometimes at theirs, whatever is most convenient for everyone.

When they visit ours we provide lunch.

When we visit theirs, they never do.

This is my post , re food. Not about who arranged to visit where and when. There is plenty of notice whenever it's arranged though.

You’re expecting them to be mind readers. Meet at the local pub and have lunch there.

I’m with you OP. They’re not little girls anymore, they are fully fledged adults who should be aware how to host visitors. It’s not that they should do this because you cooked meals for them, it’s because when someone visits it’s polite to offer refreshments and something to nibble. Depending on the time, it might be tea or a main meal. And if anyone is confused it’s really easy to get stuff that’s in-between (if you have croissants you can add ham and cheese to make it more filling as one item to offer. I like to do a buffet of a bunch of things like that on a mid-morning visit). It’s not hard to have a bunch of scones around either by quickly dashing to the bakery before the visit. And a packet of biscuits is very easy to have on offer.

My MIL is bad at hosting. Doesn’t offer anything. DH and I are opposite. We are always prepared for visits and usually have too much on hand. I don’t mind if someone declines the offer of refreshments or food, but I would rather offer and have them decline (more for me lol).

I mean shop bought, not making from scratch. We aren't fancy people, happy for something to be just chucked in the oven!

Could you leave it to your DH to have a word when visits to them are planned? Could he not say something to his DDs like - are we eating with you, or coming after lunch? He could also actually suggest it would be nice to have lunch at theirs. Why not? He is their DF.

If you don’t want to raise it with them perhaps when you visit, say you need to leave by noon to get home to prepare and eat lunch and stick to it every time.

If they don’t immediately offer lunch, or doesn’t occur to them fairly quickly I think it’s fair to say they’re selfish, stingy and not bothered about spending much time with you.

Unless of course they are skint but I doubt you’d expect them to reciprocate if they are

Don't go at a meal time. Rock up at 2, having had a lovely lunch en route.
Let DH do lunch if they are coming to you.
They are just rude!

That would actually piss me off if people announced they would be with me at lunchtime!

What time is best for you?
Shall we made a plan for food-shall we eat out? Or is it best to come after lunch? What do they say to that sort of conversation.

Plans need to be better made, I think, but I don’t think you should just invite yourselves round to someone’s house at mealtimes.

It sounds like she might have done this to you, but your DH has offered to do food and presumably isn’t bothered?

I'd be horrified not offering food.

I try and offer my inlaws food which we've bought and prepared but she usually brings it with her for all of us which probably says a lot about what she thinks of my cooking 🙄

Yeah it’s weird and rude!
I always stipulate arrangements for food with visitors! ‘Come for lunch’, ‘Come for a cuppa and cake’ or ‘Come after lunch’. Once I said to parents ‘Come for tea’ I think and they assumed food as in at tea time… I made tea and cake! They were starving and didn’t let on until they’d got home and text me!! Now I ensure I am precise!!

Definitely say ‘popping to shop on way, can we grab anything??’ See if it works!