To always offer lunch - opinions

[Springtime111]

I just wanted to know if I'm unreasonable over something.

DH has 2 daughters with their own homes and partners. Growing up they lived with their mum, but regularly visited us, and I always made lovely meals when they came to visit, which was weekly.

Fast forward 16 years, they have their own lovely homes/partners etc, one local, (one an hour away) and I was looking forward to maybe the odd lunch cooked for us for a change, but when we visit (usually happens to be in the realms of lunchtime) they never have as much as made a sandwich or offered a biscuit! We end up grabbing a sandwich from a shop on the way home because we're starving.

Today, one is visiting with her DH and my DH has said we will do lunch for them.

If he wants to do it, that's fine, but tbh, I got a bit snappy and I've said I'm not helping, as it's never been reciprocated in 16 years and feels unfair to always be on us.

AIBU?

If OP invites them for dinner then also invites themselves over at dinner time they might think its CF

I think this is it, young childless people probably have a late breakfast/ brunch at 11ish so are not really thinking about food at 12/1. This is what we did as young professionals and do now on holiday- big breakfast then dinner.

Yes we were the same.
However OP stated she offers lunch every time and didn’t mention they don’t eat much. So assuming they do

So
@Springtime111
what happened today then ?

Hope you haven’t spent the morning cooking

I'm the type that always offers a drink /food depending on time.
I've had friends tho that I've made lunch for and it wasn't returned and I use to find it odd lol.

Why don't you just all go out for lunch now and then problem solved and when they visit just let the husband host

Yes, it is odd for your DC or DSC to not feed you when you are visiting over lunch. However it is even more odd that, in 16 years, non of you have had a conversation about it. Is the lunchtime visit at their request or do you suggest it and they agree? There is no reason for you to “starve”. If the arrangement doesn’t suit you then
request something else.

1. Go after lunch and before dinner/ after breakfast and before lunch.
2. Suggest that you do lunch together and make a plan about who brings what.
3. Meet somewhere neutral and buy lunch out- if you choose this, discuss bill paying in advance. Don’t expect to go Dutch unless you have told them they are paying their way.

On this occasion I would leave the other half to it. His choice, his problem.

This. If you expect lunch make it clear. Sometimes we don’t each lunch until 3/4pm at the weekend. Going at lunchtime doesn’t mean anything. If you want lunch then suggest it.

My wife cooked our children their lunch today at her parents as MIL is absolutely terrible at hosting anyone. Food always an after thought. Always an issue in the twenty years I’ve endured her.

Oc you feed them as kids but as adults no....not all time anyway but if your husband is cooking make sure he does the cleaning up after himself and washing up. That's the price to pay.

MN threads can be so exhausting with the foolishness sometimes 🤦🏾‍♀️.

If you don’t want your family visiting, tell them.

If they come, feed them.

Basic adulting!

Also we shop to a meal plan and often don't have 'extra' food for ad hoc invitations.
This is me and I wonder sometimes how people do it- how do you have enough food to handle visitors- as in out of the blue ones (eg someone dropped the kids home the other day and then came to the door with them so I invited her in but food wise we weren’t great, so it was tea and a few really crap biccies where it was the time of the day she could have done with some sandwiches. To be fair it was the day before the big shop, but I felt bad)

I doubt someone just randomly dropping your kids home will have expected sandwiches, tbh.

They are just people without much responsibility in life and haven't clocked that you're meant to think of others.The touching crapness of all of us, pre-kids,who think we have busy lives and yet have no bugger to consider but ourselves, sleep in at the weekend, and aren't bothered about lunch.

I think you should ask them OP and say look we are coming at 1, we'd usually eat then, will you cook or should we eat first and come later?

And I think it doesn't hurt to say one time you are there that you'd really appreciate being cooked for once in a while, and explain that when you have done it for years for others it feels like such a treat to be looked after. Don't say it in a pass ag way but I think it's fine to say it would be something you would love. Then the balls in their court and if they don't either they just aren't very thoughtful or don't want to, and you know where you are and can move on from expecting it and feeling disappointed.

TeaandScandal
She stayed nearly two hours with the kids so I’d say she expected more than biscuits lol, her son kept hinting he was hungry and we had bread with no fillings so were offering him toast and she kept apologising for him and I was apologetic for not having anything😅

Don’t invite yourselves at lunch time. That’s presumptions and passive aggressive because they’ll know you are all pursed lips about it I bet.

I can’t bear all this “being fed” nonsense. Reminds me of monkeys in a zoo. Of course if teenage kids come to visit they’ll have food at meal times. Doesn’t mean you keep tally.

Two hours! Leave her on the doorstep next time 😁

Our kids always think we do it better. They love coming home to see us ….and for the food. . So it may be nothing more than that. Just a bit unthinking.
They need a gentle reminder ….Thanks for asking is over…shall we come for lunch then, can we bring anything …can’t wait to see you for a good catch up.

Exactly: if I knew someone was coming between around 12-1.30 I’d either say “I’ll do lunch” or say if not so people know.

but then my DH always says you can tell it’s lunch time because atleast one subset of my family rock up. I think I am a feeder!

TeaandScandal
Our car broke down and she brought our kids in and home most of the week, she saved our lives!! we’ll be bringing her in a pressie Monday!!

Oh, fair enough. They sound great.

I will admit every time we go over to my parents we get fed it just seems automatic and I did once say you don't have to mum and she said she would never not make food as she enjoys it. I think it's a mum thing and now I do it for my kids but don't often if my parents come by

🤯🤯🤯🤯
prepare yourself @Ladyj84

Do they normally eat lunch?

I know they do if visiting you (which you/your husband have offered) but I know it often doesn't occur to me to offer lunch a lot of the time because I wouldn't be eating at that time
Whereas if I'm at my mums and she suggests lunch I often will end up agreeing and eating something because I know she's actually meaning 'I want to eat lunch and don't want to eat in front of you without you eating too'

Heck, you know what your relatives are like. Just get lunch and then go over there. Get dinner on the way home. They aren’t going to feed you for whatever reason. When they visit you, tell them to come after lunch. No one is hungry, communication is clear. Don’t get angry when people act like themselves.

It might be….I am mid 30s with a DH and baby.

We don’t have a dining table or nice dinnerware partly due to the setup of our place.

My in laws do fancy dinnerware and everything properly.

I must admit when they visit (rarely) I feel a bit embarrassed to serve them lunch on a plate to have on their lap (as we normally do at home) so basically end up suggesting going out for food.