To always offer lunch - opinions

[Springtime111]

I just wanted to know if I'm unreasonable over something.

DH has 2 daughters with their own homes and partners. Growing up they lived with their mum, but regularly visited us, and I always made lovely meals when they came to visit, which was weekly.

Fast forward 16 years, they have their own lovely homes/partners etc, one local, (one an hour away) and I was looking forward to maybe the odd lunch cooked for us for a change, but when we visit (usually happens to be in the realms of lunchtime) they never have as much as made a sandwich or offered a biscuit! We end up grabbing a sandwich from a shop on the way home because we're starving.

Today, one is visiting with her DH and my DH has said we will do lunch for them.

If he wants to do it, that's fine, but tbh, I got a bit snappy and I've said I'm not helping, as it's never been reciprocated in 16 years and feels unfair to always be on us.

AIBU?

I would always offer a guest lunch but they’ve made it clear they can’t be bothered so stop going over lunch time

You're related to these people just say put a pizza on man I'm dying here

And yeah your husband should cook.

🤣🤣

Making something that your teenage children like isn’t going above and beyond, that’s normal.
if you don’t want to cook, can you go out for food?
them not providing you with food though is not acceptable but I think it is ok to raise with family.

Don't visit them at a meal time.

Don't invite them to visit you at a meal time.

Easy.

My family is massively dysfunctional, but even we manage to say "I'm coming round at 11 - probably stay for a couple of hours, are you ok to do lunch, or we could bring something or we could get something out?"

"hinting" isn't a great way of communication.

I wouldn't expect to be fed if I hadn't been invited for lunch. If food hadn't been mentioned I'd eat before I went.

This sounds like a breezy conversation your DH needs to have to get lunch sorted - that or how the other OP’s have suggested texting about picking your lunch up on the way to eat there or offering to contribute to lunch (although has it gone on too long now for that..?)

Its reasonable to expect to be given some lunch when you come to visit over lunchtime.
Its weird to expect someone to give you lunch because you fed them when they were children though. Perhaps their father should have done /some of/ the cooking when his children used to come to visit/stay with him.

In my London family, you never ever went to someone's house without being offered something to eat or drink and if someone turned up unannounced the meals might have been a bit random, but you all had something to share (and money could and often was tight), but you'll be amazed what you can rustle up in most instances. It reflects the way they are brought up imo. Just put out some cheese and crackers and leave it at that. I have in-laws that seem to think they can eat me out of house and home and then have me nurse a cup of tea for four hours. I don't do it any longer and we always meet at an external venue now and pay for ourselves. Why not suggest that - you go out and be clear that everyone pays for themself, or they don't eat.

If people expect lunch they should be invited. Or if it's close family to say is it ok if we come for lunch on such and such a day. Just descending on folk at mealtimes with no notice and expecting to be fed is a bit cheeky IMHO. Unless it's a reciprocal agreement.

Say to them.
Hey me and dad will bring a quiche for lunch if you could do a mixed salad and coleslaw, be nice to all eat together. Or suggest a bbq

They are rude!!

Op stand your ground

Go out and get a blow dry or meet a friend. Dh can organise it as a grown man. And should have done years ago.

I would say on arrival that dh has done everything himself in a rather celebratory way and if it’s awful then you have already distanced yourself 😂

I completely get what you mean OP. Where I'm from, it's a challenge to actually try to leave someone's house without being fed.

Given how you describe your relationship, it sounds less like them being cheeky and instead just making a massive social faux pas. What's the longest you've visited? Did they just not eat while you were there?

Regarding today though, DH cooks.

It’s normal to offer meals, or snacks if outside of meal times. Drinks and be hospitable unless someone has been ill or been in hospital or just had a baby. They are the two exceptions and even then we would rustle together olives and almonds etc.

Feeding them as children is not comparable. I would probably say, when invited, what shall we do about lunch? Then have a conversation about it. Will someone make it, eat first, etc. There are worse things to worry about.

Might be a generational thing, I admit I would rarely offer someone lunch if they came to visit me for a few hours at ‘lunchtime’ and wouldn’t expect to be offered lunch by someone else either. At the weekends I don’t tend to have 3 meals, I’ll probably have a lie-in and then have a big breakfast and then just have a snack or two in the day until I have an evening meal. If I was at someone’s house and they offered lunch I would eat it but I wouldn’t expect it. Can’t you just eat before you go so you’re not hungry? Presumably they’re not eating while you’re there either which makes me think they don’t usually eat a meal at that time. I also think as a guest it’s polite to bring some biscuits or cake or something to give the host to serve alongside tea/ coffee so doing that may also help you not to feel hungry.

They sound weird. Maybe next time text “see you about 11 and we can eat around 12.30 if that suits.” See if they take the hint.

My Dsis and BIL are a bit like this. We’ve hosted and fed them on numerous occasions and they never invite us back. Occasionally we have turned up at their house unexpectedly on our way back from the city etc, just popping in for a cuppa (they will at least offer tea, phew). And yes we’ve texted first, stand down MN. Twice now we’ve sat there as they made a sandwich for themselves and not offered anything for us.

oh behave, you know what she meant.

I would find that rude and inconvenient.
I didn't invite you for lunch. You have invited yourself at lunchtime.

When they came to visit as teens they weren't really "guests" and I doubt they saw it as you being a wonderful hostess.
They were at their (Dad's) house and there was food at lunchtime just as there was at their mums house.
When I go round to my parents I don't expect food unless I ask or they offer.
If they come here we are explicit if its for a meal or they are just popping in.
I certainly don't feel the need to repay then for all the meals provided over the 21 yrs I lived with then....or even the Christmas and Sunday dinners since.

we always have to get a sandwich after

get a sandwich on the way - then when you get hungry - whip out the sarnies and dig in, saying "oh you don't mind if we eat do you as its a long time till supper"

It's not really clear whether they're inviting you for lunch, or whether you're turning up at lunch and expecting to be fed.

Anyway, I do think they should offer tea/coffee and a biscuit or something but I also find it a bit weird that you keep talking about how you fed them nice meals when they were children

It's weird that they don't eat as well. I mean I'm not expecting them to be so rude that they would eat their lunch and not offer you some, but more that I'm imagining a Mexican standoff with you all sitting there with rumbling stomachs until someone breaks - you and husband dash off for a sandwich and they raid the fridge as soon as you're out of the door.

I'd just arrange visits for 2pm and have something to eat before you go. And invite them to yours for 2pm and give them a cup of tea and biscuits.

is it a generational thing? my sons and daughters in law rarely do lunch for us when we visit - although we are usually offered a cup of coffee. I had been hoping for Sunday lunch now and again, we do it here for the whole gang inc GC, but it never happens ...

But it is important as to whether they want you there at lunchtime...and what they prefer to do for lunch.
If its a weekend then I imagine the get up fairly late and have a late breakfast/brunch so aren't even thinking about lunch at 12-1.
Before I had kids we often wouldn't get up till 10.30 on a Sunday, then have breakfast one then dinner at around 4pm. My parents do this now tbh in their 70s