Friend's smelly house

[failedthepsychopathtest]

Over the last year or so I've become friendly with a woman who's doing the same college course as me. We're the only mature students and we hit it off as soon as we met. She has a great sense of humour and she and I have sparked some good work off each other. I know she smokes roll-ups, but at college and when she's visited me in my home she's smoked outside and it hasn't been an issue.

A couple of weeks ago she needed a lift home and asked me in for a cup of tea. The house was pretty stinky. The cat litter tray in the kitchen was overflowing and ponged, but the worst bit is that she and her partner both smoke heavily in the house. I found it really difficult to bear. I'm not someone who is keen on cleaning and my own home wouldn't bear close examination but hers is on a completely different level. I watched one of the cats walking around the work surfaces. The mug of tea she gave me was a bit crusty, IYKWIM.

They've invited me round for a meal in a couple of weeks' time and I'm really not sure I can face it. I think the smoke puts me off just as much as the lack of cleanliness. I'm not a princess: I don't need things to be dettoled and pristine. But this was beyond my comfort zone.

AIBU? Anyone else know what I'm talking about? What do I do? I've already suggested that if the weather's nice we go for dinner at a nice tapas place nearby, but she said she can do better tapas at home.

Could you say you had an allergy to one of the cats?

Perhaps you can be truthful to some extent without hurting her feelings too much and say that the smoke made you feel quite unwell afterwards / went for your chest, or that but reacted to the cats. That way you're not directly saying her house is unhygienic!

I think cat allergy is the only diplomatic way out of it tbh

She’s an absolute rotter. Don’t get dragged into her squalor.

Can you not just tell her you weren't going to say anything but that you think you had a reaction to the cat last time you went round so probably best you don't spend prolonged period there?

Grim. I'm an ex-smoker and I couldn't cope with that. Tell her kindly that the smoke makes you wheezy, and you don't want to ask her and her partner to change their behaviour at home on your behalf, so you'd prefer to go out. Spares her feelings a bit. Although, be aware that some smokers like to socialise at home to save the inconvenience of constantly popping outside a restaurant for a tab.

I’d agree. I’m not one for lying but telling her she’s a smelly grotbag will be curtains for what otherwise seems to be a good friendship.

Id go with the more truthful excuse that the smoke went for your chest and made you wheezy therefore you'd rather go out. Don't blame the cats.

I would just be honest with her and tell her as a non smoker , you found the house abit overpowering with the smell of smoke . The smell of smoke is really unpleasant and you wouldn't be lying and equally you don't need to fake a cat allergy.

Damn right. Enough of her vagabond ways I say!

This seems best to me. If you lie about having a cat allergy, you might eventually be caught out.

And yes, I understand exactly what you mean. I’ve moved into a house that was previously owned by a smoker and it’s still unpleasant, even though he’s been gone several months.

She’s kindly invited you to dinner and doesn’t know it’s whiffy at home.

Suggest you get ‘bronchitis’ and offer to
take her out cos you can’t do smoke for weeks.

Blame the smoke. Smokers seem to be able to smell smoke but cat owners seem to go completely nose blind to cat piss.

That would be my excuse

Sensitivity to the cats is where I'd go. Doesn't need to be full allergy, I grew up with cats and wouldn't consider myself allergic but my nose feels itchy inside now around cat homes and like I have a stuffed up cold type nose. Don't mention the smoke, you don't want to shame your friend. It's a white lie for both your sakes.

Sorry Brenda, but something proper set my allergies off last time…

It lingers , it's a horrible smell. My parents were both smokers when I was growing up and I hated it. Thankfully they've both given it up, but I can still remember how awful the smell could be. I don't think a smoker would be offended by someone else being honest about this.

Sorry dirty Gertie but the thought of eating in your house makes me feel sick.

“Didn’t want to say anything before mate, but last time I came round yours it really set my allergy’s off. Good knows what it was, might have been the cats, the smoke, don’t know if you’ve got scented candles or plug ins or something, but some peoples houses really affect me, it’s so frustrating as I can never even pin point what it is so I can avoid it in future. Happened at my mums once when she’d just febreezed the sofa, couldn’t go round hers for weeks till it wore off. Anyways so sorry but we will have to meet out or at mine so I don’t claw my eyes out the next day .”

Cat allergy is an excellent excuse and pretty inoffensive so I'd go with that.

I used to have a friend, absolutely lovely person but the smell of her house made me gag, definitely know what you mean! 🤮

That's way too wordy, gives itself away as a lie immediately.

It's weird, isn't it, because I grew up with a father who smoked in the house and over the years I've had guests who smoked indoors, but it's been a very long time since I last walked into a house where people smoked indoors all the time and it was a real shock. Not so long ago since many homes smelled like this.

This. Maybe "thanks so very much, but ..." "I never know what exactly sets them off...it's one of my quirks. Love me, love my quirks!" Don't make heavy weather of it and she will be disarmed.

I don't know if you could bring up the cleanliness without offending.

cant you just keep putting it off?

Say that cigarette smoke gets to your chest if you don't smoke and are not used to it.