Friend's smelly house

[failedthepsychopathtest]

Over the last year or so I've become friendly with a woman who's doing the same college course as me. We're the only mature students and we hit it off as soon as we met. She has a great sense of humour and she and I have sparked some good work off each other. I know she smokes roll-ups, but at college and when she's visited me in my home she's smoked outside and it hasn't been an issue.

A couple of weeks ago she needed a lift home and asked me in for a cup of tea. The house was pretty stinky. The cat litter tray in the kitchen was overflowing and ponged, but the worst bit is that she and her partner both smoke heavily in the house. I found it really difficult to bear. I'm not someone who is keen on cleaning and my own home wouldn't bear close examination but hers is on a completely different level. I watched one of the cats walking around the work surfaces. The mug of tea she gave me was a bit crusty, IYKWIM.

They've invited me round for a meal in a couple of weeks' time and I'm really not sure I can face it. I think the smoke puts me off just as much as the lack of cleanliness. I'm not a princess: I don't need things to be dettoled and pristine. But this was beyond my comfort zone.

AIBU? Anyone else know what I'm talking about? What do I do? I've already suggested that if the weather's nice we go for dinner at a nice tapas place nearby, but she said she can do better tapas at home.

Someone said they can't put the litter in the bathroom, in that case I'd go with the living room. Anywhere not near food being prepared.

Also cats don't like to shit where they eat. A lesson for us all really.

Ignoring the fact I haven't hoovered today and my cat likes to dig!
It lives here. So I say in the kitchen but technically it's the living room

Tucked out the way, scooped immediately after use and well out the way of oven/fridge/food prep area. It's open plan so if I put it further in the living room it's still "in" the kitchen

I was once at a friends house who fed the cat using a fork out of her kitchen draw that was with all the others, she then quickly gave it a shake in the washing up bowl (full of dirty water) and gave it to me to eat my tea, all of this in front of me, she seemed to think this was normal, rather than saying anything about the fork I told her I was allergic to one of the ingredients in the food and declined to eat it apologising loads about not telling her about (my made up) allergy

safe to say I declined any other invites that involved eating or drinking at her house

I totally understand. My cat walks on my surfaces but I am constantly cleaning them down. And the litter tray is kept clean aswel. The slightest whiff from it and it gets cleaned. I wouldn't fancy eating a dinner in a place that's not very sanitary so don't blame you at all. And the smell of smoke and dirty litter when eating is very off putting. Just make your excuses or offer to have them to you or go out for a meal.

What I haven't said here is that I've had a number of mild allergy-related asthma attacks over the years and in the last few years I've become quite sensitive to cats and their dander makes me itch and sneeze. I'm not dangerously asthmatic though, and I can share space with cats as long as I take antihistamines, so I discounted that as a reason to slide out of it.

I saw my friend at college yesterday and said that I didn't know what it was — the smoke, the cat or whatever it was they'd been smoking — but that something had made me wheezy after my last visit and I didn't want to risk a full-blown asthma attack, so I'd prefer us to meet somewhere smoke and cat free.

She was completely unfazed. She said she only smoked in the house because her BF did and she could remember how disgusted she'd been when she first got to know him and went home with him to the smell (she called it 'the smell'!) She had a long grumble about him and is now coming to supper with me and not bringing him with her. So I consider that a win. I'll invite a few other people I think will get on and we'll make a thing of it. Thank you for all the suggestions and reassurance that finding crusty crockery and cats on work surfaces unpleasant doesn't make me unbearably princessy.

You handled that well - good result!

The heavy smoking in the house would be enough for me not to return tbh. Not sure how I'd approach it but would probably say something along the lines of thank you for the invite to dinner, while I appreciate it, I did struggle with the smell of smoke in your house. Completely respect your right to smoke in your own home however I personally just can't be in that environment. Happy to meet up somewhere for some food if you'd like though.

My daughter has 4 cats, NEVER does any housework and has no sense of smell. I have not had so much as a cup of coffee at her house.

Have you never said anything? My dad always comments on my house! Thankfully it's "you do keep this place lovely" but he would comment if it smelled

Tell her all the time, even suggested a professional deep clean, not interested, she is autistic!!!!

Sorry but someone that smelly would not be one of my friends. Harsh but true!

Definitely harsh. I can’t imagine anyone’s smelly house putting me off someone I genuinely liked.

I’d distance myself from a blood relative if they were scummy enough to serve me a drink in a crusty cup never mind someone I’d only recently met!

Her living conditions haven't put me off her — though obviously they have revealed an aspect of her I wouldn't have predicted. Her domestic situation has merely put me off wanting to spend a lot of time in her home. She remains the intelligent, funny and interesting woman she always was.

My post wasn’t aimed at you, failedthepsychpathtest so I wasn’t judging you. My comment was a response to a poster who said she would not be friends with someone with a smelly house.

Maybe Alwaystired44 lives in Stepford 😊

Just tell her you can’t be around cigarette smoke!
A friend from College, invited me for a cuppa, one her dogs had peed the floor, after she had mopped up, she rinsed the mop by hand under the tap & then proceeded to take the mugs out of the sink 🤮to make me a cup of tea 😩

i’d tried to turn it around and invite them over

i’d also pimp my husband out to go collect them and then suggest they get an uber back.

i couldn’t be in smoke smelling house
my husbands dad and his wives house is like that i can do 2 hours a couple of times a year .

mostly i love being in my own house though
as i need to have control over everything (ocd not just a controlling bitch)

Not at all, I just don’t understand why anyone would want to be friends with someone who serves drinks in crusty cups?!

I think you did good suggesting a restaurant. She rejected it - too bad.

id just say my allergies acted up when I was over for tea so I wouldn’t be able to do a full meal time. allergic to smoke

enjoy company, but symptoms are too bad.

If I invited someone to mine for a meal and they suggested going out for one instead, I'd think that was a bit weird and rude, particularly if they persisted. I think you're better off saying you don't like cigarette smoke, honestly.

Oh, just seen update, looks like you handled it well.

It sounds like a bit of a tough spot, especially since you value the friendship. It’s totally reasonable to feel uncomfortable in an environment that doesn’t align with your standards of cleanliness and comfort. Your suggestion to meet at a tapas place was a good move, showing you're still interested in spending time together without directly criticising her home.

You're a good egg, OP. Well handled!