Friend's smelly house

[failedthepsychopathtest]

Over the last year or so I've become friendly with a woman who's doing the same college course as me. We're the only mature students and we hit it off as soon as we met. She has a great sense of humour and she and I have sparked some good work off each other. I know she smokes roll-ups, but at college and when she's visited me in my home she's smoked outside and it hasn't been an issue.

A couple of weeks ago she needed a lift home and asked me in for a cup of tea. The house was pretty stinky. The cat litter tray in the kitchen was overflowing and ponged, but the worst bit is that she and her partner both smoke heavily in the house. I found it really difficult to bear. I'm not someone who is keen on cleaning and my own home wouldn't bear close examination but hers is on a completely different level. I watched one of the cats walking around the work surfaces. The mug of tea she gave me was a bit crusty, IYKWIM.

They've invited me round for a meal in a couple of weeks' time and I'm really not sure I can face it. I think the smoke puts me off just as much as the lack of cleanliness. I'm not a princess: I don't need things to be dettoled and pristine. But this was beyond my comfort zone.

AIBU? Anyone else know what I'm talking about? What do I do? I've already suggested that if the weather's nice we go for dinner at a nice tapas place nearby, but she said she can do better tapas at home.

If OP says she has a cat allergy, they will probably offer to put the cat outside, open windows, and antihistamines etc. Cat allergies aren't unsolvable and it clearly wasn't a bad one or she would have been wheezing/ coughing whilst at the house.

Also if you then ever go somewhere with her where there is a cat, you'll have to keep up the lie.

Don't tell a blatant lie, OP. Just say the truth in a gentle way.

I couldn't stick that for 5 minutes let alone eat there. Those poor cats. Id say no and say cigarette smoke sets your asthma off.

Hi friend, on the question of dinner together next week, I’m really sorry but I just can’t come to yours as something there set me off last week with a nasty bout of wheezing and I have to avoid anything that triggers it. I know I should have been more direct as soon as I realised but valuing our friendship as I do, I didn’t want to upset you, so I’m sorry for that.
Would you mind if I book the tapas bar instead?

‘ I would love to see you for dinner - let’s meet up at the tapas bar. I could do with a night out’

If you blame the smoke she will say she will open windows and not smoke ( my mum does this)
cat allergy is a lie

If she insists on it being her place, then cancel her altogether. You might have to accept that the friendship between you might not be feasible with such a big difference in taste and values and stick to enjoying the college days.

@eatsleepfarmrepeat smelly grotbag made me chuckle 🤣

I would just say I don't want the second hand smoke exposure? I'm pretty sure that's acceptable to say given how bad it is

Awkward.
I think I would too embarrassed to say anything, turn up, then fake unconsciousness or death.
This is why I don't have friends.

Wtf is wrong with litter tray in the kitchen, to all pp who said that was dirty? Better than in a carpeted room! I have 2 cats so 2 trays - one on kitchen floor out of the way, obviously not on the worktop or inside the oven, and the other in the bathroom. Only other rooms in my house are living room and bedrooms! Not all of us have multiple rooms!

Well if she’s on here and read your post she knows now. You’ve included quite a bit of specific detail

Everyone I knew when I was growing up kept the cat litter boxes outside during the day. I still do this so my house doesn't have that feint cat pee smell. I thought everyone who had gardens kept their cat litter trays outside until bedtime. It was only recently that I realised that the litter trays were kept indoors!

Just be honest with her and tell her that your friendship with her is based on what her house looks/smells like - rather than the quality of person she is. I mean I'm SURE she will understand - Especially if you show her this thread where you talk about her home and habits with strangers on the internet - like if she cant see what a great friend you are from that? then is she really worth being friends with in the first place?
Like really!!! how RUDE of her to live her OWN life in her OWN home and not consider YOU in that equation!!!!! I mean really when she met you she should have started smoking outside and got rid of her beloved pet cat just to accommodate YOUR standards!! - if she didn't? then can you really call her a friend at all???
How inconsiderate of her to extend a welcome into her home to you! To feel so comfortable with you that she let you into her world - then NOT change her entire homelife to suit you!!
Maybe you could stage an intervention to explain how her home standards dont meet yours and how this hurts you so badly - then she might give up smoking or possibly even redecorate her entire house to suit your needs?

YES this whole post is sarcasm - why? because this post to me is absolutely ridiculous - Ok - so when she comes to your house - do you allow her to smoke inside? of course not - and I would guess that she doesn't try to.
She doesn't smoke in your home because its your home and she accepts how you live - it probably doesn't make her feel comfortable because its not what she does at home - its not what SHES used to - but she accepts its YOUR home right?
So why do you want her to change how she lives for you? that's HER home, where SHE should feel comfortable and you should accept how she lives - just like she does in your home by NOT smoking.

Another thing to consider is - do you have ANY idea how many of us mums out here DONT HAVE A FRIEND AT ALL????
Some of us are single mums or have disabled kids or difficult situations or might just be overwhelmed with their life and don't get to meet and people and would LOVE to have a friend. ANY friend!!! Regardless of what their house smells like - as long as they're a good friend - does it matter?
How bout you accept her for who she is - consider the quality of her friendship rather than the quality of her housework and stop trying to change her - then just be her friend? - providing of course she still WANTS to be your friend - I'm not so sure I would want to be if I were her.

I couldn't have any respect for people like that, it sounds vile.

Say the smoke made you wheezy and you think you're allergic to cat's.

I feel sorry for the cat, they like to be clean, plus it's inhaling a lot of smoke into small lungs.

I would go with the cat allergy (as long as you don’t have a cat yourself!).

I also can’t stand the smell of litter trays or cigarette smoke. I would have found that difficult too!

My mum was extremely offended when a friend mentioned it to her. Because they can't smell it themselves, smokers can find it hard to believe.

Also because it sets off my asthma, she just smokes in another room across the hall while I'm there, both doors open.

What about people who have indoor cars in a high rise flat without balcony. Where would they put tray outside. As I have a garden I as also have a cat flap so n ok litter tray

She's not saying she doesn't want to be her friend - she specifically suggested a meal out, instead. She's not suggesting that they should change, or live differently. She's saying she doesn't want to eat food from a home with really poor hygiene, and she doesn't want to cope with heavy cigarette smoke in her own lungs.

Those things affect her, and she's completely reasonable not to want to accept that. It's not a rejection of the friend. She just doesn't want to have those things in her own life.

And as a mum with disabled kids myself: genuinely, I'd suggest you join local Facebook groups for SEN families, so you meet people who understand. We have lots and lots of friends with people who also have kids with similar needs, and get it. I know it can be hard to feel you have much in common with people who don't understand the demands, or the different parenting required, but I promise there are people who will. Fellow SEN mums can be the biggest possible support.

I don't think this is true. Many smokers would be very offended.

No because smokers being what they are will say , ok we wont smoke while you're here or we'll go out in the garden'

I sympathise with you OP. I have a friend the same. She doesn’t smoke inside her house thankfully but the smell of cat wee and poo is overwhelming. She has 4 cats and they share the litter and because it’s always full they also wee on the floor which has made her lino curl and stained her skirting.

I wouldn’t be able to cope with the smoke at all.

I would either say the cat or smoke makes you wheezing so it’s easier to go out.

Ew reminds me of my sisters best mate's house. Everything was stained, smelly and dusty. I had a cup of tea from a crusty mug too. The thought of it all, made my stomach turn. I never went back there again. Regarding the meal I'd say, I'm really sorry but I'd rather eat out, because the smell of cigarette smoke makes me feel nauseous. I wouldn't mention the cats, because people get funny about their pets!

I'd go with smoke sensitivity or cat allergy. Unless you have a cat yourself, you won't get caught out about the cat allergy: allergies can be variable and some cats can set people off while others don't, so even if you go elsewhere with cats that fib will stand up under scrutiny.

The only trouble is, she might then invite you to come for food or a drink in her garden, and I take it you wouldn't want to do that either due to the poor hygiene. It's a tricky one!

Dont make a big deal of it. Just suggest coming to yours or having a drink at a pub instead

I wouldn't mention the cat allergy (if you don't have one), but I would say that the indoor smoke really affected my chest and ask to socialise elsewhere instead.

I don't smoke but I do have 4 cats. Some of my friends are allergic to cats, so I know they won't come over unless it is the summer and we can sit in the garden (or they take allergy meds), or only for a very quick drink. However, my house is clean (it's not tidy for sure, but it's clean!), aired out everyday and hoovered everyday. FWIW, I don't get upset if people are allergic to the cats, but it does make me very mindful of things - hence hoovering everyday, airing house everyday (I do this anyway) etc. I can't use plug ins as they can affect the cats.