Friend's smelly house

[failedthepsychopathtest]

Over the last year or so I've become friendly with a woman who's doing the same college course as me. We're the only mature students and we hit it off as soon as we met. She has a great sense of humour and she and I have sparked some good work off each other. I know she smokes roll-ups, but at college and when she's visited me in my home she's smoked outside and it hasn't been an issue.

A couple of weeks ago she needed a lift home and asked me in for a cup of tea. The house was pretty stinky. The cat litter tray in the kitchen was overflowing and ponged, but the worst bit is that she and her partner both smoke heavily in the house. I found it really difficult to bear. I'm not someone who is keen on cleaning and my own home wouldn't bear close examination but hers is on a completely different level. I watched one of the cats walking around the work surfaces. The mug of tea she gave me was a bit crusty, IYKWIM.

They've invited me round for a meal in a couple of weeks' time and I'm really not sure I can face it. I think the smoke puts me off just as much as the lack of cleanliness. I'm not a princess: I don't need things to be dettoled and pristine. But this was beyond my comfort zone.

AIBU? Anyone else know what I'm talking about? What do I do? I've already suggested that if the weather's nice we go for dinner at a nice tapas place nearby, but she said she can do better tapas at home.

Cat allergy is the only diplomatic answer you can give. I have a cat & I keep the litter tray outside & only bring it in at night after cleaning it. Several windows are open throughout the day so the house is well aired.

All surfaces are deep cleaned monthly with weekly maintenance cleans so my house doesn't smell of cats.

When you say surfaces are deeply cleaned, what do you do? It's something I've never really understood.

This is the nicest option

the cat one only works if you don't have pets of your own. say you have asthma and the smoke indoors, even if not actively happening, can bring on an attack.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying the smoke caught your chest the last time you were there, and that your lungs can’t handle it? I think that’s perfectly fair, no need to use cat allergies.

You can suggest going somewhere local which will hopefully show her you’re not just fobbing her off. Like you said I don’t think there’s many heavy indoor smoking houses anymore, surely she’s had comments before and knows it’s not nice for people…

I'm surprised you can't smell it on her at college

Her clothes must reek

You'll have to go with the cat allergy

This reminds me of when I was pregnant and was supposed to be joining my husband at his friend's house after I'd finished at an appointment. He called me before I set off and said (diplomatically) that it wasn't a good idea for me to come as the friend kept indoor cats and pregnant women shouldn't be around cat litter. I knew he meant that the house stunk and would have set off my morning sickness.

I'd take a similar approach and rather than addressing the smell, develop an allergy or condition that's adversely affected by cats or cigarette smoke. Getting pregnant might be a bit extreme.

YANBU I couldn’t eat there.

Cat little tray in the kitchen? That’s absolutely vile. No way would I be eating from them. Gross. Nasty.

Nooooo!! I get people living in squalor (we do from time to time), but surely people know that others won't want to eat at theirs with all muck and cats everywhere?? You must make a good excuse not to go, if you do end up there, you'll forever be dreading another invite 😬.

Any of the already previously posted polite excuses would be fine as an excuse not to eat in her nasty house.

She must absolutely pong outside of her house as well. You really never noticed?

You're a better person than I am, op. I wouldn't have lasted 2 minutes in that filthy pit. I wouldn't eat food prepared in there for love nor money.

I mean mine is at the end of the kitchen because there's nowhere else to put it
I don't live in a big enough place to have a utility or garage!
But it's not near the fridge, oven or food prep areas and it's immaculate and cleaned every single time it's used

If you have another room, there's somewhere else to put it. Sorry, but I cat litter tray in your kitchen is just gross, and I say this as a cat owner.

Something about smoke in houses, despite being nostalgic and reminding you of your dear old dad, just sets your respiratory system off these days (she needn't know it was the nose part of your respiratory system and not the lung part!). Or maybe it was the cat or the cat litter, or a combo of all of it, but as amazing as her tapas sounds it'd better be somewhere else as it will leave you suffering. Such a shame!

I had a friend exactly like this who smoked inside and had two stinky dogs that had shed so much hair it was in layers on the carpet. I bought her a present once at Christmas, she unwrapped it and tossed the rubbish on the floor.

I helped her move house in the June and I picked up that same rubbish left lying on the floor. I never ever ate round there 🤮but she was a cool mate

Hurk. I love animals and all but no way I'd be eating food somewhere where cats were allowed to both shit in the kitchen and walk on the counters. Absolutely fucking not.

I'm an adventurous eater but I draw the line at my fecking tapas being laced with cat shite and litter ta.

The cat litter box in the kitchen and the cat walking the work top would be a no from me
I would say sorry but I don't eat in dumps 🤢

Cat allergy all the way

I went to a friends for dinner where both her and her partner smoked in the house . Their living room is small and we spent the evening there after dinner and they both smoked so much that I felt suffocated. I started to really feel unwell . Stinky hair and clothes too . I vowed I would never go there again . I didn’t say anything to her as the need never arose after that . Good luck whatever you chose to do or say .

Tell her that you felt quite unwell after you left her house due to an allergy to cats.

I have an allergy to certain cats, some cats don't bother me at-all, others give me hives, make my sinuses ache due to congestion, red itchy eyes... its's unbearable. So while it's a lie, it's a thing that people genuinely suffer from

If you are happy to host instead offer to cook at yours, or go out for food somewhere. I couldn't spend an evening somewhere like that or enjoy a meal.

Don't say you have a cat allergy if you don't - that may be seen as a solvable problem which can be fixed with antihistamines. I'm allergic to cats but wouldn't turn down an invitation because of them.

I think you have two options here.

1. Honesty. You don't like smoky houses.
2. Decline the invitation. Something else has come up, or whatever. Then avoid future invitations.

Why not put it in your bathroom instead? Anywhere but the kitchen.

I’d just tell her straight. Not sure I could be friends with somebody that gross anyway.
How does she not stink at college?

I think there's a middle way between telling her it's a cat allergy (complete untruth) and telling her she's a smelly grotbag 😅

I agree with those saying to tell her the smoke went to your chest a bit but you don't want to ask her to change her habits, so would rather socialise out and about or at your place. It's fine to say that.