Friend's smelly house

[failedthepsychopathtest]

Over the last year or so I've become friendly with a woman who's doing the same college course as me. We're the only mature students and we hit it off as soon as we met. She has a great sense of humour and she and I have sparked some good work off each other. I know she smokes roll-ups, but at college and when she's visited me in my home she's smoked outside and it hasn't been an issue.

A couple of weeks ago she needed a lift home and asked me in for a cup of tea. The house was pretty stinky. The cat litter tray in the kitchen was overflowing and ponged, but the worst bit is that she and her partner both smoke heavily in the house. I found it really difficult to bear. I'm not someone who is keen on cleaning and my own home wouldn't bear close examination but hers is on a completely different level. I watched one of the cats walking around the work surfaces. The mug of tea she gave me was a bit crusty, IYKWIM.

They've invited me round for a meal in a couple of weeks' time and I'm really not sure I can face it. I think the smoke puts me off just as much as the lack of cleanliness. I'm not a princess: I don't need things to be dettoled and pristine. But this was beyond my comfort zone.

AIBU? Anyone else know what I'm talking about? What do I do? I've already suggested that if the weather's nice we go for dinner at a nice tapas place nearby, but she said she can do better tapas at home.

I have a friend who is similar, cat poo just lying around on the lounge carpet, piles of rubbish everywhere and a crunchy kitchen floor etc. The place reeks. She just refuses to clean anything, just sits on the PC smoking weed all day. I really feel sorry for those in the neighbouring flats.

I visit to check she is still alive/in good health every so often but always take my own prepack sandwiches and a can of drink. Never accept a cuppa, glass, food or use the disgusting toilet.

Our previous cat never ever used a litter tray - even in a foot of snow she would toilet outside although we always had two trays in the house. We lost her to lymphoma this year and recently adopted a wee ginger guy from Cats Protection. Even though he can and does go out, he prefers to use the litter tray. I think some cats feel safer because they are vulnerable when toileting. I hate it but thankfully he tends to poo during the night so it can be cleaned first thing.

I’m an ex smoker - although always went out, never in the house - and I think it is now considered so anti-social that someone saying they are bothered by smoke indoors wouldn’t be unusual.

I had a similar situation and I stepped away from the friendship. Our daughters were friendly. They invited us round. The house was disgustingly dirty. I couldn't face ever going there again, it was that bad. So I stopped pursuing the friendship.

This! Definitely this. If she asks why you weren’t allergic last time saw you took a bucket load of antihistamine but they knocked you out so you can’t do that anymore. Definitely don’t eat there surrounded my cat litter, you could get seriously sick. Or play the smoke/hayfever/asthma card… say you had an asthma attack or something when you got home.

I'm saying they do go nose blind. My DH cannot smell smoke off himself at all. If I say it he is surprised or thinks I am making it up to nag him. Genuinely I don't think he can smell it off himself.

Cat allergies definitely!

You may find he goes outside more when he gets more settled - my newest cat took about 6 months to feel safe toileting outside

Ah OK, I miss read you response, sorry.

OP just say you have an allergy to smoke and cats.

Double whammy on the stink-o-meter!

Agree a cat allergy is a good idea! You could go out for lunch or dinner instead… YANBU. My next door neighbours house is like this. I even posted a thread on it a year ago or so and everyone said maybe she was smoking weed!! But no it’s cat litter and poor hygiene standards.

I prob didn't word it very well. So easy for meaning to get lost in text.

That's way too wordy, gives itself away as a lie immediately.

No that's not how that works. How she explains just needs to fit in with how she usually talks.

I think you can just be honest about the smell of smoke being an issue for you, most smokers understand that. And then offer to host her instead and you can cook together?

It's a tricky one, but I do think if you're hosting guests then it's your responsibility to ensure that they can be comfortable in your home...and that does include minimum standards of cleanliness.

Cat allergy is the way forward. If you mention the smoke they'll just say 'Oh we'll wipe everything down and smoke outside the day before' or something like that because they don't understand that it's in every pore of their house.

Or worse... they'll spray air freshner from a can over the top of the smoke and cat poo.

Cat allergy is the only way 😂

The problem with blaming the smoke is she can easily say they'll just smoke outside that day and then you'll be really stuck! "Oh and errm, er I also have a cat allergy...." She'll see right through you and know somethings up.

With the cat allergy make a point that some cats seem to affect you more than others. That way if you are around cats together in the future you're covered.

It's really hard! Could you say you didn't want to mention it before, but other members of your household (if there are any) commented on your smoky smell when you got home?

Otherwise a recent friend/relative's lung disease diagnosis has made you anxious?

I hope so! He’s utterly charming but a right little stinker (don’t worry OP, we clean the trays immediately he goes).

"Hi Susan I need to be honest with you.Im allergic to cats.I thought I'd be ok when we nipped in at urs but I really suffered with symptoms afterwards" Can we meet up elsewhere?

I'd go down the allergy route myself as advised on here ( I do actually have one to cats and any kind of smoke, it a fairly common allergy to have )

It would put me off. We once went to pick up a bed frame from FB marketplace place and the stench in the house of the seller was indescribable and so overpowering. We left the bed frame and went and bought one from IKEA instead 🤣

Yuk no - I have a very low tolerance for dirty and smells and would go with the cat allergy.

I would say the smoke smell had triggered my asthma- not that far fetched as the smell of smoke on people's clothes has made me cough!

This - it's fair and respectfully worded, but honest - important and kind to be truthful about the smoke.

I'd be feel the same, I couldn't bear to spend a minute breathing in the smoke smell (and I'm an ex smoker as well)

People get used to their house smells and don't feel them at all.
Cat allergy would be my white lie.

Agreed. One of the most obvious tells that someone is lying is when they add in lots of unnecessary detail.

Whichever excuse you go for, just keep it short, simple, and to the point.