Friend's smelly house

[failedthepsychopathtest]

Over the last year or so I've become friendly with a woman who's doing the same college course as me. We're the only mature students and we hit it off as soon as we met. She has a great sense of humour and she and I have sparked some good work off each other. I know she smokes roll-ups, but at college and when she's visited me in my home she's smoked outside and it hasn't been an issue.

A couple of weeks ago she needed a lift home and asked me in for a cup of tea. The house was pretty stinky. The cat litter tray in the kitchen was overflowing and ponged, but the worst bit is that she and her partner both smoke heavily in the house. I found it really difficult to bear. I'm not someone who is keen on cleaning and my own home wouldn't bear close examination but hers is on a completely different level. I watched one of the cats walking around the work surfaces. The mug of tea she gave me was a bit crusty, IYKWIM.

They've invited me round for a meal in a couple of weeks' time and I'm really not sure I can face it. I think the smoke puts me off just as much as the lack of cleanliness. I'm not a princess: I don't need things to be dettoled and pristine. But this was beyond my comfort zone.

AIBU? Anyone else know what I'm talking about? What do I do? I've already suggested that if the weather's nice we go for dinner at a nice tapas place nearby, but she said she can do better tapas at home.

Yes, I’d blame the cat too. Only way to do it without offending her.
I wouldn’t go round there either. Smoke is disgusting.

I don’t know what thread you’re talking about but from what I can glean it sounds like a completely different scenario.

someone being overweight doesn’t affect me, someone having a dirty house they invite me to for dinner does affect me.

why on earth would I comment on a friends personal appearance unless it was to say she looks nice? I wouldn’t comment negatively on their house either tbh but I wouldn’t feel comfortable eating there.

I think most people are not telling OP to speak up and insult the friends house either they’re just thinking of ways she can get out of it.

I had a friend whose house is very grimy and overcrowded with stuff . Last time I was in the city she lived in she said I could stay overnight I just declined. Even her leather couch that I’d sleep on is mucky and has bits of food on it. I paid for a hotel and it was worth it!

I can just about manage to eat food there as I know she herself is very hygienic in terms of washing her hands etc, but if she smoked indoors and had pets crawling everywhere as well it would be a no. You need to be super clean to make sure your house remains half way hygienic with a pet in there.

She’s spoken of getting a dog and the day she does that would be the last day I visit. I’m envisaging dog fur and dog mess everywhere.

This thread is horrid.

she didn’t invite you around, it was last minute after a lift - so yeah her worktops might not have been sparkling nor had she been home to empty the litter tray all day.

The smoking is different - but again - that’s her choice - she can do what she wants in her home.

I think you may have not understood.....I tend to be over wordy when something bothers me,

Nowhere in my post did I suggest the OP didn't want to be friends with her "friend" ....I DID however suggest that the so called "friend" would not (and quite rightly so) not want to be friends with the OP....I mean if I'd found out my "friend" had posted this about me online? I wouldn't be friends with her either.

You say that she isn't suggesting the "friend" has to "change" - No she isn't but she IS asking "AIBU?" and also at the end asks "what do I do?"
To myself and any of my friends, the obvious answer is "be honest with your friend" I would like to think that that would be the reply from most people, but it seems to be the UNpopular opinion on this thread.
If she would rather come and post here asking other people what she should do - than just be honest with her friend- then unless she is just looking for validation that her friend is indeed some of the things she had been called/referred to in this thread then it seems like she is looking for ways to either change her friends habits or ways to be dishonest and hide her issue from her friend (fake allergies etc)
Are there not multiple people in the subsequent posts suggesting what this woman should do with her litter trays and smoking habits etc? are there not Tons of people here 'suggesting' what she could do to make her "smelly friend" change her behaviour etc? If all these people are making these comments they must have read it the same way I did and so many of the comments are telling her to NOT be honest and fake allergies etc ...which to me? seems horrible, why would you want to lie to your friend and make things up?

You said.....
"Those things affect her, and she's completely reasonable not to want to accept that. It's not a rejection of the friend. She just doesn't want to have those things in her own life."
...and you are completely correct, its completely reasonable to not want those things in her life, everyone has their own boundaries, however,...
She doesn't want those things in her life - but she wants the friend in her life?
Are those things not PART of her friend?
She is NOT suggesting her friend changes but she wants to keep her as a friend but she cant accept certain things ABOUT that friend?

Make it make sense.

If she wants to keep her as a friend but doesn't want the smoking and cats stuff, yet has NOT been honest with her friend about it......and does not WANT to accept her friend/home the way it is, then the only thing she CAN be asking for - is for ways to change the situation - which would mean either A- not being her friend anymore or B- somehow getting her 'friend' to change her ways without her having to be honest........NOWHERE has she stated that she would be willing to accept her for who she is - or asked for ways she could compromise - which is fine btw, everyone should have their own boundaries and choice of what they allow into their life .....INCLUDING her 'friend' .....
The title of the post "AIBU?" is asking for opinions on whether she is being unreasonable and my opinion is that - yes she is - its ALWAYS unreasonable to not be honest with your friend and having to ask that on here - to me - seems ridiculous.

I'm very aware that my opinions don't "go with the flow" here - and that my post is long and may confuse some to try and understand my opinion so let me try and phrase my reply a different way.

To the OP - There is only one way to deal with your issue and that is to be honest.
Friendships are built on honesty, trust, understanding, usually significant commonalities, acceptance, respect and a desire to be in that persons company.
Your post sounds like none of those are prevalent (from your side at least) for eg:
Honesty - If you were honest you would have just told her the truth in the most respectful way you could instead of putting it online which could embarrass her if she finds out.
Trust - Obviously you don't trust her or you would have been honest.
Understanding - You never mentioned once in your post that you were worried she might be overwhelmed and need help or that she might just not notice the smell in her house because she lives there - no where did you express concern for HER well being in what you say is an unsanitary living space or suggest that you might want to help her - its all about what you want and doesn't give vibes that you were trying to see anything from her side.
Commonalities - usually friendships start with something in common - it sounds like you might be very different people - If you have lots of other things in common and its just this one thing - then maybe its worth accepting one thing you don't like to maintain the friendship, I'm sure there's things she doesn't like about you that she ignores.
Acceptance - Your friend accepts that you don't smoke in your home and adheres to that because she accepts who you are - but you cant do that back and just be honest with her?
Respect - Imagine your 'friend' saw all these posts - do you think she would find this respectful? when your friend is in your home and does not smoke - that's respect - when you go in HER home and don't like the smell you go online and tell strangers about it and ask for their comments.....that's DISrespect.....

Respect would have been being honest with her and saying "hey I love you and I'm not trying to make you feel bad but I think I may have bad reactions in your house" if you are truly friends? this shouldn't make a difference.
I myself have a friend who insists on keeping house cats, when I go to her house and it smells strongly of cat pee I literally just tell her LOL I'm like "woooo!! covers face The pee force is strong today hun!" or she will ask me if I want a cuppa and ill say something like "nah c'mon I'd rather go the coffeeshop where I'm not breathing in cat" and she will laugh and be like "oh oops is it bad again here lemme take the trays out" etc - we don't gripe about it behind each others back nor make a deal out of it - she accepts that I don't like cats - I accept that she does and now its a joke between us - she gets me back by moaning about my home smelling like incense ("oh has the pope been again?" etc)....but we ACCEPT each other the way we are.

BE kind and honest with her and if your friendship does not withstand the outcome then it wasn't a friendship.
Don't bring it on the internet where she would be embarrassed and random strangers are calling her names and judging her, that's kinda mean.

To the people in the comments judging the OPs friend without ever meeting this person .....
"Judging a person does not define who THEY are, it defines who YOU are."

To the 'friend' who likes to smoke in HER OWN HOME etc - I really hope you don't see any of this but if you do? ...you need better friends.

and finally...Re: "And as a mum with disabled kids myself: genuinely, I'd suggest you join local Facebook groups..." etc
I wasn't making the comment you are referring to for myself but more as an example that the OP should value her friend a little more as some mums never have the opportunity, but yes! great advice to those seeking more friends!.......might wanna check if they're smoke/pet free first though.....lol

As a cat owner who also smokes, I totally get why the OP wouldn’t want to eat in her friends house. The crusty tea cup would be enough for me, even without the 2nd hand smoke, overflowing cat litter tray and cats walking on the kitchen counters!

I also get that she wants to get of eating there without upsetting or alienating her friend. Why should she have to go through an uncomfortable, and unenjoyable situation just to keep her friend happy. Friendship works both ways and it’s fine to set boundaries. The friend can live how she wants to and so can the OP.

I agree the most diplomatic way to deal with it is to say smokey houses makes you feel a bit nauseous and you can also say you don’t like to be around cats as it sets your dogs off as they can smell them when you get home (you do still have dogs OP?) so would prefer to eat at yours or out. As a friend, she should accept the way you feel.

I only ever smoke outdoors and cat was trained to shit in big planters in the garden with a back up tray under cover, which are regularly cleaned out, from a few months old as I couldn’t bear a litter tray inside and tin foil put a stop to trying to get on the counters when she started trying! No need to live in an unhygienic house just because you have cats.

It's not horrid

OP is asking how to kindly decline eating in a house that makes her feel a bit sick. Cat shit and stale nicotine would make me feel sick - it's perfectly reasonable.

OP I would honestly go with a simple but honest response as per the one I suggested upthread.

For saying this is the first thread i read when i first came here ...cant say it makes me want to stay ...

I love how people assume that because I suggested that some mums don't have friends that I myself don't have friends lol ....I have friends - I guess the point I was trying to make just went over your head.
I'm a smoker & though I don't have cats or anything, I like to paint (oil paints can stink) so yes my house probably does stink .....the difference is that my friends are honest with me if I've gone "noseblind" and say "hey can I open a window it stinks of paint/smoke" etc they don't come online and talk about me behind my back to gain validation or ask peoples advice on how to lie to me about how bad my house stinks.......

I'm not sure where I said to "overlook it to be nice" ....im pretty sure my point was to be honest with her, accept her for who she is if she values her as a friend and come to a compromise if she wants to maintain the friendship...maybe you should go read my second post where I break it down for those who don't understand how friendships work ....it might help with your own lack of friends :)

This offer to meet out

Is this a thing? I have been to houses which reeked of cat poo and urine and never imagined people couldn’t smell that at all. But now that you mention all of them seem genuinely oblivious about the smell so probably you have a point.

I have shared flats with people who were not good at keeping the bloody trays clean. I never got used to the smell but I guess it was because I hardly ever was at home during the day or weekends.

Of course honesty is always the best policy. In this situation I'd sooner blame myself, even if this meant telling her I have sensitivities. OP does actually have a sensitivity to smoke and the nauseating unkempt cat litter smell given her reactions. I'd rather say this than upset a friend by insinuating she has disgusting home keeping habits. If my friend suspected the real reason she may try to do something about it.

I can only assume so. One person I know's house actually burns the eyeballs if you loiter on the doorstep. She seems oblivious.

I wouldn't be going in to eat.

Just be honest. Tell her that you find being in an area where people smoke is not possible for you, and since they are of course entitled to do whatever they want in their home, it is best to meet elsewhere.

Agree

we keep ours in the bathroom. I find it much easier to manage in there.

@thebestinterest I would but can't due to the door - if the door is open it blocks the hallway and the cat often pushes it shut by accident too
I've an open plan kitchen/living area and it's right at the end of a run of units so not like it's in my cooking area

Poor cat inhaling all that smoke with their tiny lungs. And they're very clean creatures so a shitty litter tray would be distressing 😞

I'd say I couldn't tolerate the smell of smoke. What a minger

It's interesting, my DF smoked and my XH and I didn't notice the smoke but I went to a house recently where the smell sickened me and it was only when the owner lit up that I realised what it was. I think we've all got more sensitive since it's rarer. That said, I'd go with the cat allergy story, unless, of course, you have one.

I smoke roll ups, the only room I smoke in is the living room and my door is constantly open, even in winter! All the windows in my house are on permanent vent too. In the last 8 years in this house, two non-smoker, occasional visitors, have asked if I'd given up smoking when they've walked in. Tailor made cigs stink far more than roll ups. My friend used to chain smoke them and I reeked of smoke after an evening round at hers! Another friend only smokes weed, quite heavily and I can't spend much time there, even though I have the odd joint myself a couple of times a year. But whatever people do in their own homes is their business.
I've had cats for years, though one at a time. But how people can leave the litter trays dirty, is beyond me! That's just gross and lazy. I've only had one cat that consistently used her tray and it was cleaned as soon as she hopped out! And that was tucked away in the kitchen, as is the one I have now (which has been used once since I first got it!!!) There is no need to be dirty, a clean litter tray is clean!
As for the worktops, my new kitten seems to have a penchant for jumping up, usually to watch the bird feeder out of the kitchen window! She's been told off, as much as you can tell a cat off, but my solution is simple! Scrub down the worktops three times a week, then every day, several times, wipe round with antibacterial spray! An animal friendly one obviously. And I wipe round before I start any food prep.
I'd go with the reason that you just fancy a night out, out, as you don't get much chance to do that often. It avoids having to forge a ridiculous excuse or cause offence by being truthful. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have a lovely family member but I simply cannot visit her. She smokes and quite obviously doesn’t see cleaning as a priority. I’m not a germaphobe by any stretch - I have teen DCs - but I just can’t go to her house. I meet her for a drink or go out to eat. It would be a big no from me OP!

If it was me, I would just say that you have a sensitivity to smoke.
I also grew up with a parent who smoked in the house, but now I can't handle the smell at all.

And the answer is on a plate.

Just tell her you're really sensitive to cigarette smoke. Apologise, but say you really felt it on your lungs the next day.

Say you like her, but you need to meet up outside her home.

It's not that hard.

Just grin and bear it. Don’t risk a good friendship. Have dinner at hers. It won’t kill you (I mean this kindly).
invite her back and showcase a more hygienic dinner 😊

I would go with sensitivity to smoke. I was a smoker in my twenties and grew up with a smoker but can’t be in a room with it now, my throat closes up. It’s not possible to just grin and bear it, I have a sore throat for days after. Does that sound like you, OP?

Unfortunately it isn’t just active smoke, but the residue it leaves behind, so her offering to smoke outside (in case she suggests it) won’t help.

I think it’s ok to be totally honest about the smoke issue, and to say you don’t expect her to make any changes on your account.