Friend's smelly house

[failedthepsychopathtest]

Over the last year or so I've become friendly with a woman who's doing the same college course as me. We're the only mature students and we hit it off as soon as we met. She has a great sense of humour and she and I have sparked some good work off each other. I know she smokes roll-ups, but at college and when she's visited me in my home she's smoked outside and it hasn't been an issue.

A couple of weeks ago she needed a lift home and asked me in for a cup of tea. The house was pretty stinky. The cat litter tray in the kitchen was overflowing and ponged, but the worst bit is that she and her partner both smoke heavily in the house. I found it really difficult to bear. I'm not someone who is keen on cleaning and my own home wouldn't bear close examination but hers is on a completely different level. I watched one of the cats walking around the work surfaces. The mug of tea she gave me was a bit crusty, IYKWIM.

They've invited me round for a meal in a couple of weeks' time and I'm really not sure I can face it. I think the smoke puts me off just as much as the lack of cleanliness. I'm not a princess: I don't need things to be dettoled and pristine. But this was beyond my comfort zone.

AIBU? Anyone else know what I'm talking about? What do I do? I've already suggested that if the weather's nice we go for dinner at a nice tapas place nearby, but she said she can do better tapas at home.

Oh my goodness.... Did that not smell horrendously?
Or were the turds so fossilised they no longer stank?

Have seen hoarder /animal cruelty vids where floors are covered in animal faeces- so cruel to the animals and any children living there.

They can be.

Opening a window doesn't cut it. It's cat dander that's the problem and very hard to get rid of even when cat is no longer around

Trouble is, if OP has a 'bad allergy' the symptoms would be around the next day so the friend might not believe her

Mine didn't

Every time they went up they were put back down firmly. Or put out of the room.
They learned. Cats are brighter than you think
I would say after that they may have done it half a dozen times and only if there was a problem (usually not very well)

Well it's just not very believable that OP has such a bad allergy that it's not solvable by taking an antihistamine, because presumably she had no visible reaction whilst she was there.

It's hard to argue that you have an allergy so mild as to appear symptomless, but it can't possibly be controlled by an antihistamine, hoovering and putting the cat outside.

Most severe allergies would result in wheezing, swollen eyes, red face etc.

I'm a smoker but I don't smoke in the house (mine or anyone else's). I also have cats. I personally wouldn't be offended if someone said they didn't want to come round because of the smell of the ashtray in the garden, but I kinda would be offended if they claimed to be allergic to cats but turned out not to be!

This would be exactly my response ……

Hi Friend
Would deffo love to do dinner one night. Would you mind if we did it out? To be completely honest, it's been a while since I've been in a smokers house and I'd forgotten how much it bothers me. No judgement, I just find it physically uncomfortable for more than a few minutes.
I really hope that doesn't sound precious!
Love OP

I’m in the minority, but I’d go round and enjoy her tapas. She’s not going to be putting the cat shit into the tapas.

Most folk these days, unless really thick, understand that smoking inside a house is a no-no, particularly if and when there are guests.

Be appreciative, but honest. Say smoking affects you, but suggest you all meet for a drink or meal out somewhere. If she doesn't understand I guess she's not a real friend
.

Deffo cat phobia/ allergy.
Can you go into more detail how dirty/ dusty the house was?
Just wanna make sure what level is OK for visiting..

I understand. I smoke indoors but only in certain rooms, and luckily have a big house with outdoor space and plenty of windows. I bet to some people it still reeks of smoke/cannabis.
I hate when our mate comes round and chain smokes fags in my kitchen with my mum nearby as it gives her a cough the next day.
So don't feel bad about saying you're sensitive to smoke. I'm guessing she hasn't a garden you could hang out in?
Just meet her elsewhere or round yours. If she's going to hate you for it then she's not a real friend.

We all know she wouldn't put cat shit in the food, but could you really eat food prepared in a home that filthy and that smells so badly?

Yes I think so. My aunty lived like this and cooked nice food.

Well, kudos to you. I absolutely would not be able to eat at all in a house that disgusting, whether the homeowner prepared the food or not. I would not be able to get beyond the smell and eat.

😂😂 love this

Tell her her house smells of cigarette smoke and you find it overwhelming.

I'd go with cat allergy as others have suggested.

Slightly related but I joined a weight loss group last year that met in an old church. I loved the group, the people were so welcoming and nice, the support was wonderful. All was great except the building stank of-idk? old paper? Mildew? It smelled like a million old magazines. I came home from the first meeting and peeled off my clothes as I walked in the door at home to shower. My clothes stank and needed washing. Even my hair smelled sour. I had to take allergy meds, my allergies went crazy after being in that building.

I went to two more meetings then had to ghost them. I didn't say anything because I think one of the members husbands was the pastor at that church so I knew I couldn't as a new member expect them to change meeting location. So I just stopped going which made me sad because they were so lovely, everyone was super nice to me. (I do a zoom support group now, the only stink is from me lol)

Don't force yourself to eat a meal in a smelly house!

I feel sorry for the cat! Poor thing.

Be honest, say sorry but I can’t handle the smell of smoke. I had a card posted from a smoker and had to air that out……no way would I be going to a smokers home you come out with all your hair and clothes smelling too yuck.

I agree with PP that I could never in a thousand years tell someone that I could not eat in their house as it smelt. I bet nearly all, if not all, the poster here who are telling you to do so, would not, in real life, be able to do so either. There is no way you can phrase this that will not be mortifying for her and you will almost certainly lose her friendship.
Don't fake an allergy. Eventually you will get found out.

Either just keep making excuses till she gives up asking (though you may lose the friendship too), or suck it up and go and eat at hers.

She's a bit oblivious if she doesn't realise her house stinks. IME a lot of smokers seem to have moved to smoking in their gardens as they realise it makes their home stink. The smoking ban seemed to make smoking inside just less normal.

This is so bloody true😂

I think it's absolutely fine to say that you had an allergic reaction after being in her house and that, as a non smoker and non cat person, you think that you should probably avoid being insider her house in future. People who smoke and have pets do not have to have their feelings tiptoed around - it's extremely common for people to have a reaction to smoke or pets.

We're adults: if she falls apart because I say I can't cope with smoking indoors and I'd prefer to meet somewhere smoke-free or outdoors then so be it. I'm pretty sure she'll be cool. If she's not then I'll be sad, but I'm not going to spend an evening in a smoke-filled room in order to be polite.

I've had dogs for many years and some people have been allergic or phobic. I didn't take it personally and it hasn't affected our friendship.