Friend's smelly house

[failedthepsychopathtest]

Over the last year or so I've become friendly with a woman who's doing the same college course as me. We're the only mature students and we hit it off as soon as we met. She has a great sense of humour and she and I have sparked some good work off each other. I know she smokes roll-ups, but at college and when she's visited me in my home she's smoked outside and it hasn't been an issue.

A couple of weeks ago she needed a lift home and asked me in for a cup of tea. The house was pretty stinky. The cat litter tray in the kitchen was overflowing and ponged, but the worst bit is that she and her partner both smoke heavily in the house. I found it really difficult to bear. I'm not someone who is keen on cleaning and my own home wouldn't bear close examination but hers is on a completely different level. I watched one of the cats walking around the work surfaces. The mug of tea she gave me was a bit crusty, IYKWIM.

They've invited me round for a meal in a couple of weeks' time and I'm really not sure I can face it. I think the smoke puts me off just as much as the lack of cleanliness. I'm not a princess: I don't need things to be dettoled and pristine. But this was beyond my comfort zone.

AIBU? Anyone else know what I'm talking about? What do I do? I've already suggested that if the weather's nice we go for dinner at a nice tapas place nearby, but she said she can do better tapas at home.

At her than make up allergy to cat, I’d just say I’d love to but cannot personally cope with the Smokey atmosphere and residual smell in her home. But as we’re getting on so well, and value the friendship, could you meet somewhere else, or even my place? Say, I certainly don expect you to change your lifestyle just for me - it’s just me that can’t cope with it
better to be truthful in part than a complete lie.

Oh no I have sensory issues so the smell would be intolerable to me too. And I used to smoke.

I have a cat and that would gross me out. Over flowing and in the kitchen, ugh! 🤢🤢🤢

My cat isn't allowed on any sides in the kitchen and because we have never encouraged and knocked her down everytime she tried as a kitten, she has learned not to do it. I would never prep food where an animal has been. She goes outside in our garden as she near refuses to use litter trays as an adult. But even when she had litter trays as a kitten, it was in the hallway. No where near my kitchen. 😫😫😫😫

I think as others have suggested, the smoke getting on your chest is your best bet.

Say you’re allergic to cats and had difficulties after your last visit but you’d love to host her or meet at a pub/ cafe to catch up.

Gets my vote

Is that my MIL? Sounds exactly like their house down to the cat litter tray. Exactly the reason we never stay there and the only occasion to pop in is to collect them to take them out somewhere else non smokey and non cat pissy.

I used to work with a woman who had several cats and was a heavy smoker. She would regularly bring in food to share and I was always put off by the smoking and never had any. One day I had to pop round to hers on my way home and she invited me in. There were cats all over the worktop in the kitchen and on the table, just sat in among all the food. The floor was all sticky and the place was filthy! Was I ever glad I’d never eaten anything she brought in. Turns out she had 11 cats!

Urgh gross. Agree with others that maybe say you have a sensitive chest and cats / smoke can make you wheezey and could you meet for dinner somewhere instead.

Or offer for her to come to you

I can guarantee you saying a bit of a 'reaction' to something in her house can also be taken as an insult. I told an acquaintance I couldn't accept her invite to visit her for coffee due to having allergic reactions to dogs.I said this in a sympathetic and respectful way. She looked at me as if I'd slapped her face & she hardly spoke to me again.

Keeping cats off a kitchen counter is impossible. My house is very clean but I know the cat will get on it when I am not there, and when I am there, will still try it on. The answer is lots of rhubarb Method spray. Litter trays need checking four times a day. It looks like your friend's partner is lazy.

I would mention the smoke rather than the cats as any reason for not spending time there.

What an over reaction!

I'm sorry your friend lives like this but I need to make it clear that my friend's house is nowhere near as bad as the one you describe.

Yes it sounds gross, but I think I’d still go. You say she’s super stylish and all her clothes are ironed so she must have some standards. Dropping her off and being invited in maybe caught her on the hop. She might have a good clean up if she knows you’re coming for dinner.

I know it’s not pleasant at all, but I could never tell someone their house smelt, imagine how embarrassed she would he. I’d be mortified. Neither could I spout BS about allergies to cats and smoke. She might end up being a great friend, just put up with it for a few hours. If it’s that bad don’t go again. I have friends who have immaculate homes, and some that are a tip because of dogs, kids, horses. I’d never not go.

I’ve a similar problem with a long term friend. I do occasionally just have to go there and tolerate it for the sake of the friendship. Asthma/allergy could work in your case though.

Surely all smokers know that smoke stinks and it's no longer considered normal or acceptable to smoke indoors? If you choose to smoke heavily in your home, why would you find it embarrassing to be told that a non-smoker finds the smell off-putting? You've made a choice that you know the majority of people will find difficult to cope with.

We had a very sweet mum friend as part of a baby group where the situation was very similar. They didn’t smoke, but had multiple animals inside the house and neither believed in cleaning. The animals were allowed on every surface and would lick the toddlers’ food as it was being prepared if we had a playdate there. If you took your shoes off in the house your socks or feet were black when you left. Toilet absolutely foul - brown and stained, bath grimy and grey.

It was such a shock as she and her partner were both so well put together, highly educated and otherwise very ‘functional’. The level of dirt and lack of hygiene was too much for the rest of the group who - while for many years no one mentioned it to one another - each individually found a reason not to go, the main one being an animal allergy (cat or dog) or simply were never available when it was her turn to host. I found it interesting she never looked at the huge difference between her home and the rest of the houses in the group (clean and hygienic to a very normal standard regardless of size or expense) and felt moved to do anything about it. They simply didn’t see the point of cleaning.

This is the only way you keep the friendship and avoid eating food made in a dirty kitchen.

How on earth are people supposed to stop cats from walking on counters or wherever they please? Serious question

Give them a cat-appropriate bollocking every time they do it.

I've had 4 cats, over the years, and they learn not to do it.

A well cared for cat/ litter tray shouldn't ever smell {Unless the cat does an especially odiferous poo}
Son and his girlfriend have a house cat and their house never smells of cat litter trays as it's in a quiet spot away from where people are , and they deal with the tray several times a day to keep it fresh for the cat.

Cats will not use a dirty litterbox, and will start to pee elsewhere , which is really grim.

@failedthepsychopathtest The ''scum'' on the tea might be hard water [?] I don't drink tea much, but when I do, it has a 'scum' on from hard water, despite mug being immaculate.

I too would blame cigarette smoke as an excuse not to go round.

I once had a friend who was a hoarder. Her bedroom was so full it came up to the waist at the door. Once we’d worked downwards I found it be covered in dog poo.

I get where you’re coming from! I would say you can up In a rash so you must have a type of allergy.

I don't have a cat, but if you do could you not make sure you thoroughly clean and disinfect work surfaces before preparing food? And shut them out of the kitchen while prepping food if they are prone to jumping?

I wouldn't want to eat food that had been cooked in a dirty kitchen, especially if there are animals walking around on the counters etc. The fact that she doesn't clean the litter trays suggests she might not clean the counters before cooking either.

I would also go with claiming a cat allergy.

Bet they do it in private though, when you aren't there- cats are assholes like that.

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic.

If not, how rude! OP clearly likes this person. There could be 101 reasons why her house is like this.

OP go with the allergies thing. 😊

The OP clearly likes her, so doesn't want to ruin the friendship, or hurt her friend's feelings by telling her the unvarnished truth.