Friend's smelly house

[failedthepsychopathtest]

Over the last year or so I've become friendly with a woman who's doing the same college course as me. We're the only mature students and we hit it off as soon as we met. She has a great sense of humour and she and I have sparked some good work off each other. I know she smokes roll-ups, but at college and when she's visited me in my home she's smoked outside and it hasn't been an issue.

A couple of weeks ago she needed a lift home and asked me in for a cup of tea. The house was pretty stinky. The cat litter tray in the kitchen was overflowing and ponged, but the worst bit is that she and her partner both smoke heavily in the house. I found it really difficult to bear. I'm not someone who is keen on cleaning and my own home wouldn't bear close examination but hers is on a completely different level. I watched one of the cats walking around the work surfaces. The mug of tea she gave me was a bit crusty, IYKWIM.

They've invited me round for a meal in a couple of weeks' time and I'm really not sure I can face it. I think the smoke puts me off just as much as the lack of cleanliness. I'm not a princess: I don't need things to be dettoled and pristine. But this was beyond my comfort zone.

AIBU? Anyone else know what I'm talking about? What do I do? I've already suggested that if the weather's nice we go for dinner at a nice tapas place nearby, but she said she can do better tapas at home.

I think cat allergy is the most inoffensive excuse. Go with that one.

I would say "I'm really sorry but I have asthma. The doctor warned me that due to my allergies I should avoid places where they have pets or smoke indoors so its better if we meet outside. The last time I had a bad attack it was scary so you can understand my apprehension"
If she takes offence then so be it.

every time I laugh out loud at a post on here, it's one of yours!

I'd go with a sort-of truth, instead of a made-up allergy or outright lie. If she's a nice woman and a new friend, you might well regret being untruthful.

"I honestly don't know whether it was the cat/s or the smoke, but I had a bit of reaction after my last visit - I'm not used to either of them, I guess."

'A bit of a reaction' is honest (though it was a revulsion one, rather than allergy, but let her draw her own view), but vague enough to not cause offence.

But then they can offer not to smoke.

Cat allergy for sure.

Tell her that you really suffered from allergies as a child and thought you'd grown out of it but your brief exposure to her cats the other day triggered the kind of allergic reaction you haven't experienced in years.

It's less controversial than the smoking and general uncleanliness.

My mum is a heavy smoker and I hate visiting her because of that, so I invite her here more often. She isn’t dirty like your friend though. I would make excuses and alternative arrangements.

some folk just have low standards, doesn’t make her a bad person, but I’d avoid visiting or taking any food she may have prepared.

Yes I agree. Just say you really like her but smoke gets to you so please can you meet in a restaurant.

Ultimately if she gets upset she gets upset. So long as you are not rude or cruel, you haven't done anything unkind by stating this.

This is perfect

Maybe say the cigarette smoke sets off your asthma. It does with me.

Difficult one with her being a genuine good friendship! I would also say something along the lines of feeling like your chest was a but tight when you got home, think maybe you have a bit of a problem with cats.

Smoking, crusty cups and litter trays are ew to me and my house isn't pristine either. I struggle with smells big time. You could always invite them to yours?

Do you want to be friends with her? In which case you might have to accept her smelly ways. I could be friends with someone who's house really stunk and was dirty but, i wouldnt want to go in their house at any point.

If you want to be friends with her and socialise with her then you will need to say - 'I would love to meet up with you but, i can't be around smoke smells etc so can we meet at a local pub for dinner instead'?

@Josette77 because the bathroom door can't stay open for the cat to get in
It opens into a tiny hallway and gets knocked shut easily
I mean technically it's not IN the kitchen as it's open plan but it sits next to the very last kitchen unit

I'd go with the smell of the smoke being overpowering personally, you could just say you're not used to it and you don't really want to breathe in the second hand smoke.
She should understand, you choose not to smoke so why would you choose to breathe in second hand smoke. Good luck, awkward situation to be in

Car allergy and bring her one of those candles designed to eliminate odour/smoke as a gift (sort of joking about the last bit!).

Re tapas say you like going out to eat as you don’t do it much (even if you do) so you’d prefer to do that.

I would be gently honest. “Thank you so much for the invite to dinner however when I was last at your house the smoke really caused some issues with my chest and breathing after I left. I would love a catch up so how about dinner out instead?”

Obviously I've noticed she smells of smoke, but I suspect that she showers and washes her hair every day and that keeps it under control.

Perhaps weirdly, given the state of the house/ housekeeping, she puts time and effort into the way she looks and her clothes (she's very stylish) and I suspect she washes and irons her clothing carefully. Yes, irons. Really. Which is probably why the house came as a bit of a shock. I would never have guessed.

Perfect. I'm really intolerant of lying, but I'd white lie myself out of this situation in a heartbeat.

Could you bear to eat there if it was nice weather and you sat outside? I'm guessing it wouldn't be a comfortable experience, given the dirty work surfaces, etc.
I wouldn't directly lie about a cat allergy, but say you find the smoke difficult as a non-smoker, etc, and would prefer to eat out.

There’s no way I’d be eating food she prepared.

Slightly off topic, but I can’t believe how judgemental and plain rude some of the comments are on here about this woman.

Just been looking at another thread about overweight people and summer clothing (am not sure now I’m even allowed to say overweight) and the tone is the complete opposite.

Is the rule, do not comment on personal appearance unless it is a compliment, but feel free to rip someone to shreds if their house is dirty?

(Not sure if this will get deleted as it’s referencing another thread)

I'd also go with the cat allergy thing. No way can you say anything about the dirt/ smell and have any hope of remaining friends.

You'd be surprised. I haven't smoked for years and we never smoked in our house only outside. But I never really smelt smoke from me/ DH. Now I can smell if he's had one an hour before coming home.

But most smokers are very open to being told people don't like the smell of smoke and don't get offended by it.

That is exactly my point though? Smokers don't go nose blind to smoke. I have met people with cats who stink to high heaven but can't smell it at all.

I'm sorry you don't have any friends, I don't either. Maybe your house stinks.

Whether you agree or not, people don't want to spend time in unpleasant environments, and don't have the capacity to hold their breath indefinitely.

You sound hopelessly naïve if you really think that cleanliness should be overlooked in the name of being "nice".