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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect your spouse to say something?

210 replies

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 06:39

Spouse A is a step parent to Spouse B's children. They also share DC.

A's parents have come into some money recently and have offered to treat A, B and their shared children to a holiday but have suggested B pays for their older children to go (A's stepchildren).

A's parents don't have much if any relationship with the stepchildren and they are now teens.

A doesn't see the problem and refuses to bring it up with their parents, B thinks it is a problem and they should.

WWYD?

OP posts:
violetcuriosity · 10/05/2024 06:45

I can see why B would be a bit hurt but at the end of the day the step children are invited and it's still saving you both so much money.

heldinadream · 10/05/2024 06:45

How long have A and B been together? How old were the stepkids when they got together? Why hasn't the lack of relationship with A's parents been dealt with sooner?
Basically if the lack of relationship has been going on for years it's probably too late to do anything about it, but if I was going to tackle it it wouldn't be as a money issue first I'd try and improve the relationship before expecting money/holiday.

kiwiandcherries · 10/05/2024 06:46

I think it's fine for A's parents to pay for their grandchildren to go away and that A&B fund the step-children. It still makes the holiday considerably cheaper than it would have been!

Riverlee · 10/05/2024 06:46

How long have A and B been married? If a short one, then that’s reasonable, especially as parents don’t really know teens.

I guess parents are not excluding step-children. As they’re still invited, but perhaps don’t feel they have enough money to cover all children.

If they’re the kind of grandparents who will buy all children - step and job-step icecreams on holiday, then I would proceed. If they will only buy bio- children, and not step, then that’s a problem.

Meadowfinch · 10/05/2024 06:46

The grandparents are well within their rights to only pay for their blood grandchildren. You say they don't have a relationship with the dscs. It's their money to do with as they please and are being very generous anyway.

I'd take it as the cost of a family holiday is being hugely subsidised, meaning the parents can afford to include the dscs and everyone can go and have a lovely time, without money worries.

My one proviso is that if the parents can't afford to include the dscs, then that should be explained to the grandparents and the offer should be politely declined.

Itsonlymashadow · 10/05/2024 06:47

It's all going g to to depend massive on tbe detail. How old are the older kids, do they have contact with their own other parent, why is there little relationship between the older kids and grandparents? How long has A & B been together and acting as a family And so on.

In some situations I would say its not OK. In some I would say it is OK.

Binman · 10/05/2024 06:50

Does B think its a problem because they feel that their DC's are being excluded? If they have no relationship have they been excluded in other things, are they included in Birthdays and Christmas?

What does B want A to say to their parents?

Ereyraa · 10/05/2024 06:51

So B thinks A’s parents should pay for their DC too?

I disagree.

And it doesn’t make any difference if it’s Disneyland.

Iloveacurry · 10/05/2024 06:53

You said A’s parents don’t have much relationship with the stepchildren, so no, why should they pay?

Ereyraa · 10/05/2024 06:54

do they have contact with their own other parent

I also don’t think this makes any difference. Not having a relationship with their parent doesn’t mean there’s automatically more responsibility on their step-relatives to step up and plug the gap, unless they want to.

This seems to be out of line with most people on MN, going by other threads though.

sunnydaysanddaydreams · 10/05/2024 06:56

If you can afford the cost of the step children coming too that's great everyone included if you can't the holiday should be declined for everyone because it's one thing to not pay for step siblings it's another to exclude them by default

CountingCrones · 10/05/2024 06:58

No, your husband doesn’t have to bring up with his parents. It’s a generous gesture already, you need to pay for your teens if you want them to come with you.

BananaLambo · 10/05/2024 06:59

I think their offer is reasonable. They’re still paying for 4 (?) people, so the family is getting a holiday for 6 (?) for the price of two. It might be better to think of it as the grandparents making a contribution towards a holiday for all of you. If the grandparents don’t really know the step children then I don’t know why they should be expected to foot the bill for a holiday for them.

MultiplaLight · 10/05/2024 07:02

The grand parents are fine to offer this deal.

B is grabby.

StormingNorman · 10/05/2024 07:02

Not long ago there was a post on here calling a stepdad a CF because he asked for his child to be included in their stepmum’s birthday meal, paid for by her parents.

A lot of these women begrudge a child a plate of food and a Coke. Don’t expect much sympathy asking for SGP to pay for a holiday.

Original poster
illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 07:02

A & B together 7 years. Stepchildren were 5&7 when they met.

A says if B wanted them to have a better relationship with their parents, B should have worked harder to encourage it when they were younger (making the effort to take children to see them etc).

B thinks A's parents have never seemed bothered or like they particularly wanted a relationship from the start.

A's parents do include at Christmas but it is never to the same amount or value as joint children. Birthdays are hit and miss, if they remember they will give some money in a card, sometimes they don't remember and don't get anything.

Joint children are very close to their grandparents in comparison and get treated a lot.

Stepchildrens other parent is around and involved yes and they have involved grandparents on that side.

OP posts:
Ereyraa · 10/05/2024 07:03

StormingNorman · 10/05/2024 07:02

Not long ago there was a post on here calling a stepdad a CF because he asked for his child to be included in their stepmum’s birthday meal, paid for by her parents.

A lot of these women begrudge a child a plate of food and a Coke. Don’t expect much sympathy asking for SGP to pay for a holiday.

Edited

Bit different.

But go and get all angry on behalf of the first family as always

kalokagathos · 10/05/2024 07:05

I think that's fine. Enjoy a cheaper holiday.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/05/2024 07:06

Well like on other threads B has to decide if this is new 'family rules' and be aware that they must decline anything from Bs family that is only for the B family DC should they not?

Sunnyandsilly · 10/05/2024 07:09

Have you posted this before?

Itsonlymashadow · 10/05/2024 07:09

Ereyraa · 10/05/2024 06:54

do they have contact with their own other parent

I also don’t think this makes any difference. Not having a relationship with their parent doesn’t mean there’s automatically more responsibility on their step-relatives to step up and plug the gap, unless they want to.

This seems to be out of line with most people on MN, going by other threads though.

I disagree. I think it does make a difference to reframing it to the Op. And it's not that on its own that would change my opinion. Its all the details woven together.

There's many different set ups of blended families. But often where the step kids have good relationships with both parents they find themselves included In any activity on both sides.

My kids go on holiday every year with me and then with their dad. Me and dp don't have kids together, but if we did our joint kids would get less holidays. So if dps family wanted to treat mine and dps hypothetical kids to extra things I would be perfectly fine with it.

If this is the case in the Ops family, the parent who is annoyed can easily regrade it that their kids get extra things from their other biological family and that's all that's happening in this situation. Often makes it feel more equal.

But also if the step kids have no relationship their own parents and tbe couple have been together a long time and both consider all their kids as joint kids, I would want to know more about the dynamic as to why the grandparents don't consider them all the same.
A few of my cousins are step kids and the step parent has brought them up as their own. In our family it would be pretty shocking if they were treated differently. But I don't think it's always wrong, it depends on the situation.

It's not just about contact with the parent, it's about the whole set up and dynamics.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/05/2024 07:09

sunnydaysanddaydreams · 10/05/2024 06:56

If you can afford the cost of the step children coming too that's great everyone included if you can't the holiday should be declined for everyone because it's one thing to not pay for step siblings it's another to exclude them by default

This.

Original poster
illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 07:09

A has also said if B doesn't want to go/can't afford to then A will go by themselves with joint children and B can stay home. A doesn't want children to miss out on a holiday with their grandparents.

OP posts:
HappyEater · 10/05/2024 07:11

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 07:09

A has also said if B doesn't want to go/can't afford to then A will go by themselves with joint children and B can stay home. A doesn't want children to miss out on a holiday with their grandparents.

This is fine.

B should have considered things like this when bringing existing DC into a new family.

strangewomenlyinginponds · 10/05/2024 07:13

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 06:39

Spouse A is a step parent to Spouse B's children. They also share DC.

A's parents have come into some money recently and have offered to treat A, B and their shared children to a holiday but have suggested B pays for their older children to go (A's stepchildren).

A's parents don't have much if any relationship with the stepchildren and they are now teens.

A doesn't see the problem and refuses to bring it up with their parents, B thinks it is a problem and they should.

WWYD?

Don't take the money if it's bothering you. It would be grubby to beg for more.

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